What did your mum or grandmother tell you about perimenopause?

[TheUmberKoala]

I've been having a long-overdue conversation with my mother about her experience of perimenopause. She's in her 60s now. When I asked her what anyone had ever told her about it growing up, she said her own mother had once told her: "It happens, it's a phase."

That was it. Five words. For something she lived with for years.

My older sisters are approaching that same age now, and I've been thinking about how much of this silence is generational. The dismissal, the lack of anyone passing down practical knowledge, the way the topic just wasn't discussed at home.

I'd love to hear from this group: what did your mum or grandmother tell you about perimenopause growing up? Was it spoken about at home, or was it taboo? And for those of you who've been through it (or are in it now), what do you wish someone had actually told you?

Not looking for medical advice or anything to buy. Just curious about the inheritance, or the lack of it, and how families pass this knowledge down (or don't).

No grandmothers but my mum mentioned hot flashes and that was all. She's 80 now. I had a horrible time of it but post menopausal now at 55.

I’m 59 so have, after a very difficult time, got to a more even keel myself. I never once had a conversation about menopause with my mother. I remember her being quite tearful at one point and then going in for a hysterectomy. She would never have mentioned it though I’m sure if I had mentioned it she would have discussed it. My grandmother and aunt had hysterectomies too.

I think pre the internet age information was harder to get and there wasn’t the same sharing of one’s own medical and health information. It wasn’t taboo it just wasn’t an open discussion. Your grandmother’s statement that it happens and it’s a phase is a statement of fact rather than a dismissal isn’t it? My mother had me and my siblings by the age of 25 so by the time she was 45-50 we weren’t at home to witness or discuss it.

when I was about 47 I began to really suffer, psychologically not with the physical symptoms at first. Even eight years ago there was less information about the psychological symptoms and I thought I was going mad. I didn’t discuss it with my DM though. The main problem I had compared to my DM was that I had two teenagers and a pressured job, no warnings from my mum about the consequences of having children later in life! I haven’t spoken to my 24 year old DD about the menopause because she’s not interested and anyway her experience may be very different from mine. But I’m there if she wants to ask about it.

What I wish is that I had been told that the psychological symptoms without the classic hot flushes doesn’t mean it’s NOT perimenopause- that would have been really helpful (and I think that is clearer these days). I’m not sure my mother could have explained that to me.

Nothing. When I was early 40s GP asked me what age my mother hit menopause and so I questioned her.

All I got was, 'Oh I can't really remember anything about it'

I presume she had a better menopause than I did. Granny died when I was early 20s but considering my DM started her periods thinking she was dying because no one (in 1953) had ever mentioned menstruation to her, including her older sister, then I presume Granny would not have discussed menopause with anyone either.

Looking back it's quite unbelievable that some of us were left to navigate periods at a young age without any guidance! I was told nothing, and had no money to buy any sanitary products. I was in agony with period pain but just soldiered on. If I had daughters I can't imagine not preparing them.

I'd never heard the word 'perimenopause' until relatively recently, not sure when it was invented! For most of my generation, I'm 78, it was just something that happened, little fuss was made, I don't think I've ever discussed it with anyone, never seemed important.

My grandma had 3 children after she thought she'd gone through the menopause 😂. My mum had a hysterectomy (kept ovaries) in her late 30s and doesn't even know when she went through the menopause so not a whole lot to discuss.

Nothing. But then again we never talked about anything in our family. Puberty, sex, emotions, relationships, all of that I learned from books and TV and friends. Often badly. It was really awful actually looking back. Why didn’t they care enough about us to try and talk to us about stuff? They were consumed with their own lives and saw us as less important than that I think. They certainly saw our feelings as less important than theirs.

Nothing, I had periods at 11 she told me about them at 13.

I haven’t told my DDs about menopause in my case there was nothing to tell.

Nothing. My mum was a raving loon before, during and after so I have nothing to add

Nothing-but it never occurred to me to ask.
When I went through the actual (not ‘peri’ 😂) I had just retrained as a teacher aged 52 and was busy with family and work and didn’t notice -just eventually realised was having no more periods.
It really doesn’t have to be the attention seeking big drama MN posters seem so keen to agitate for…

I’m 60 this year. I don’t recall even hearing the word perimenopause anywhere until about 10 or 12 years ago. I, like many of my friends had very heavy and erratic periods for a few years before they stopped at 52. My mother (born in 1933) never discussed anything about sex/periods with me. My knowledge came from friends and teen magazines.

My mother never even told me anything about periods or bought me sanpro, or bought me a bra or even mention that I needed one.

@Leopardprintpyjamas , I'm about the same age as you, so I'm relieved it wasn't just me.
I learnt from teenage magazines too - Jackie mainly.

My first sanpro purchase was Lil-lets tampons bought in the local Boots when I hit my teens. The bag was a bit transparent and I bumped into friends who were a bit gossipy but I decided I didn't care if they saw them because I was being prepared.

My periods and perimenopause were not particularly difficult. Very regular cycle went haywire in mid 40s. Menopause in early 50s.

My nan called it “the change” - it seemed to be business as usual
I think my mum suffered badly with it but never mentioned it - there was a major change in her but I had no idea why

When it first started for me, I had no idea what it was
It just seemed like lots of isolated Little symptoms which when they all added together really had a big impact
I felt like it crept up on me Little by Little but once all the symptoms had accumulated, they totally overwhelmed me for awhile and I wish I had known about that

As it’s different for everyone there may not be a lot to discuss. I think most people read about it. For me it was easy. I did not have a single hot flush.

my grandmothers were long dead before I got anywhere near puberty. My mother had a dreadful time and I witnessed that. I don’t recall having a conversation with her about it (not to say it didn’t happen, I was mid teens when she went through it in her early 50s). I do remember her flooding and in the end having a d&c, and they discovered she had cancer (very early).
I fortunately had no symptoms at all other than irregular periods until they stopped, and by that time there had been a lot written about it so I felt very informed of what to expect, though didn’t realise you could just sail through it (rough poll amongst my friends and about a third of us had no or minimal symptoms, a third enough to consider HRT - though not all went on it - and a third who did). Most seem to dwell in the worst aspects as if it’s universally like that.

Not a thing. It wasn’t spoken about because I
assume my mother and grandmother just got on with it. I didn’t know peri-menopause existed until fairly recently.

Nothing. No one mentioned it and perimenopause wasn't even known about really until very recently. Any knowledge I had about it was gained from the internet. I can't imagine my mother or grandmother knew anything much in advance either.

Grandmothers dead before an age when we'd have spoken about such things. My mother tells me she can't remember when she hit menopause and that's as much as I got from her! Clearly dealt with it better than I am if that's the case!! Fairly sure I heard my father mutter "I can" under his breath as she said it

I agree. I didn't even realise what was going on.

Nothing. And perimenopause wasn't a thing when I was going through it, about 15+ years ago. I remember one older friend ( as 5 years older) mentioning to me about very heavy periods, but that was all. Nothing from the GP, the NHS, newspapers, magazines, nothing. There was very little about the menopause either, I'd heard about hot flushes but that was all.

What an earth for? Mum told me she was going through something called the change and felt really hit sometimes, that was it. Peri was never a thing, I must have had it and not realised. The bloody fuss being made over this is ridiculous

Not much. I remember my Mum going on HRT in the 90s when it first became a sort of thing, but then she stopped taking it when she found out it was made cruelly from something to do with horses - obviously that isn’t the case anymore! I don’t remember her talking about it or anything to do with vaginal atrophy - which has been a real issue for me since I went into early menopause aged 37 due to autoimmune issues. But then who wants to listen to their Mum talking about vaginas? 🙈😂 Having said that I have tried to have some open discussions with dd aged 23 because I don’t want her to get to my age and feel I never mentioned it.

I feel very strongly that most women aged 40 and over should be using vaginal oestrogen cream and I think a lot of the problems I read about online in my health groups are due to a lack of awareness of this. I don’t think my Mum - even less so my Gran - had any idea about it and I can’t help but think how awfully uncomfortable they must have been.

well I'm happy for you that you didn't find it an issue but for some of us it's actually debilitating.

But you are only 34, had it actually started? The reason I couldn't pay it any mind was because I had cancer at the same time so unfortunately I was unable to take any menopause treatments because of the cancer. I just had to get on with it for a couple of years. It passes, it's not forever.