Husband looking for some advice handling my wife's perimenopause

[Acesup6995]

Hi. Sorry to sound like a creeper being a guy asking a question in a women's perimenopause forum but I'm needing some expert reality advice on my wife's perimenopause symptoms namely her decreased libido and completely checked out not caring attitude towards intimacy. She is refusing to make any tangible effort to ask a doctor about amy of her symptoms or even try to deal with them just basically saying it is what it is and there is nothing anybody can do to help even a little bit so why bother trying. That attitude is what I am really struggling with.

I'm not trying to be an unempathetic pig guy here but her just giving up without even trying is making me feel angry and like I am being played and she just doesn't want intimacy with me and is looking at perimenopause as a get out jail free card instead of an obstacle we can overcome together.

I would so freaking support her and be patient if I saw her caring and being dissapointed and missing the spark between us and fighting for it, making a tangible effort to fight for it. I think I would be so flattered by seeing her try that whereve we ended up I would consider meeting in the middle.

But her just saying she has not interest anymore and doesn't want to try anything different with me to find anything that does feel good and satisfying for her and she doesn't even want to talk about sex or go to a sex therapist and her being unwilling to even get her hormones checked or even ask a dctor what supplements or medicines or patches or whatever else can she try to get a little of it back towards me, that really bothers me. Like I understand the hormonal changes, but you can't tell me that hundreds of millions of women have gone through perimenopause and not one of them has ever been able to do anything to help regain their sex drive for their husband. You can't tell me it is an absolute death sentence for intimacy so why bother trying.

That feels like a cop out, like she is happy to have a doctor's not she can use to get out of class.

Am I being insensitive, a jackass? I have been patient and done everything that could possibly be asked of me as a husband in every aspect of marriage for years being patient watching it get worse asking her to please do something and make some effort and she just keeps saying there is nothing she can do and she doesn't care about sex anymore and it doesn't feel good for her and it just is what it is and I should shut up and deal with it.

How long do I have to be patient before I have a right to start getting offended she won't make an effort to fight for it. Am I really supposed to just shut up and do everything every day to be the perfect husband and just be happy with never knowing what it feels like for my wife to enjoy having sex with me ever again for the rest of my life? Is my wife right that there is just nothing that anybody can do that will help even a little bit and nothing worth trying? I find that hard to believe but I'm a guy so what do I know. Has anybody tried anything that has worked? Does it ever get better on its own if she just refuses to try anything?

Kind of losing my mind here. i want to be a good guy and be supportive but I also don't want to be a sucker and spend the rest of my life being friend zoned by my own wife.

!00% agree with this.
It is possible she's relieved sex is off the table, if she was really into you she would want to do something about it. You do sound a bit entitled though.

Oh OP 😮

Instead of badgering your wife to get her sex drive up, how about you seek medical help to get yours lowered? In the meantime start reading up how intimacy (which your wife probably would like from you) is very different to sex.

Hormones get thrown at women constantly and we are just supposed to be happy do take an imperfect solution that comes with risks and side-effects.

Your wife isn’t experiencing something that requires medical attention. It’s a natural part of life.

the best way of dealing with her loss of libido is by providing emotional and physical support. She is tired in ways she has never been tired before. She needs time to adjust.

if she finds herself partnered with a loving supportive man instead of a sex pest, her desire for intimacy will likely return.

I agree that she's using perimenopause as a doctors note to get out of class as you put it, OP. You don't seem to have identified the fact that she perceives sex as being stuck in class as the root problem.

...but you can't tell me that hundreds of millions of women have gone through perimenopause and not one of them has ever been able to do anything to help regain their sex drive for their husband.

No, if they regain there sex drive, it's for themselves.

ive been in your situation so here is some advice,

your wife does not want sex period, forget the menopause, its really really simple, she has had enough of sex being some sort of reward structure for you and has no interest in seeing a doctor or taking supplements just to make you happy. Probably for the first time in her life she has accepted that she cannot go through something she probably has not enjoyed for some time just to keep you satisfied. So you need to accept that. Its pointless playing any sort of game in order to try and bring it back, or doing anything or not doing anything where the end game is to try and get the sex back, accept its gone and either leave, or focus on each other as friends and genuinely really get to a point where you could not care less whether you had sex or not.

If you can get to that point, you might be able to grow together and rediscover your physical relationship, but you will probably find that this rediscovery has very little resemblance to what you currently call sex. You need to re educate yourself and she probably needs to find the trust in you that has been lost along the way that sex is not an animal right, or a release for you, but more an expression of love, respect and friendship, and without those three being sincerely present, it will never happen.

For those things to sincerely happen, you have to completely forget any notion of sex, expectation of sex, right to sex, or chemical or therapy based changing of attitudes to sex, you have to show her your her best friend first, to laugh, to genuinely show her that you can both be happy without sex.

Try it for a year or so, if you still feel as bitter and as angry and as entitled as you currently feel then set her free and leave, you might find a better version of yourself brings out a different version in her, you might not, you might find that you can actually do without sex because its now become 0% of the relationship instead of the 100% it is now, you might find your 90% fulfilled and you might decide you would rather be 90% fulfilled and never have sex again, rather than be having sex and missing that 90% because its gone, maybe its you that needs therapy or to try things to make it better,

Kind of losing my mind here. i want to be a good guy and be supportive but I also don't want to be a sucker and spend the rest of my life being friend zoned by my own wife.

Not seeing much evidence of that tbh. Just reading what you wrote has given me the ick and I bet if your wife was asked, your sex life wasn't that great and she doesn't enjoy being intimate with you. Peri is probably a welcome relief for her. How have you actually supported her? Are you 50:50 on everything? What your household split?

Tbh housework etc… is often brought as THE answer to sex problems on MN.

I think a lot of the time, the primary issue is that sex isn’t great for the woman. That’s it.
With no emotional intimacy the rest of the time, slight touching, holding hands, cuddling etc etc and then little attention to HER pleasure, sex can easily become ‘just another chore’.
Men really need to learn more about what turns women on!

And then yes, if she is holding two jobs - her job plus all the housework and parenting - whilst he is waltzing in expecting sex, that’s not going to help either. Even if just in an energy pov.

Why don't you book a romantic weekend away and surprise her with some sexy lingerie, @Acesup6995 ?

When situations like this are the other way round women are just expected to put up and shut up

Your "get out of jail" comment speaks volumes You dont think women should actually enjoy sex so im willing to bet if it was the other way round and she was raising the subject with you you would be shutting it down and/or losing your temper with her for daring to bring up the subject.

She doesn’t miss it because she doesn’t crave it any more. If you completely stopped enjoying something one day you wouldn’t miss it. And if you no longer enjoyed it and didn’t miss it, why would you think you would make an effort to try and enjoy it again?

Obviously it’s sad for you. But you can’t make her want sex.

Who is the lingerie for? Main benefit for OP I guess, a load of women probably wouldn't chose to wear this stuff post menopausal if not before.

🙄

I really hope this is a joke. Possibly the worst advice I’ve ever read.

@PhiladelphiaEagles , @TheGreyQuail , it was so that OP's DW would tell him exactly where he could shove the sexy lingerie.

@CrownCoats , definitely a joke, inspired by another thread.

DH and MIL blindsided me with weekend away - was I wrong to kick off | Mumsnet - presumably the baby will be an only child.

I thought I’d lost my sex drive for good, just grown out of it, the whole idea repulsed me in general. But after separating from my partner I was surprised to get some flickers back.
Its amazing what time to yourself, sleep, exercise, healthy food, no-one to clean up after, no-one picking fights or being lazy can do.
I think on top of that, to turn the flickers into more I’d then need a sunny holiday, some good laughs, some nights out with my friends, and for there to be a man that I actually admired and who appeared capable, responsible, motivated, interesting, and who cleaned up after himself and others without being asked and cooked nice food. Then a glass or two of wine and I might think about it 😂

I expect if you start some conversations about “if you won the lottery”/“if you had three wishes” or just ask the top ten things that would make her happy you’ll get an idea where to focus your efforts first. If she’s like me you would need to aim to make her happy, not to make her horny. After an extended period of happiness, horniness may arise independently, but you chasing it will drive it away.

I haven't lost my sex drive, but I feel rather half-hearted about the idea of looking for a sexual relationship as so few men are any good in bed (and so many are terrible).

“Am I being insensitive, a jackass?”

Yes, you are.

Fair enough, I’m glad it wasn’t a serious comment, but if she’s already feeling rubbish with a million peri menopausal symptoms, it may just cause her more stress. Hopefully she’ll find the strength to tell this bloke to fuck off soon enough though.

Me too. That made me feel sick 🤢

No sex is far better than bad sex.

I was hoping she'd try to John Wayne Bobbitt him.

They are joking lol - pinched from another thread! X

How's about you drop the focus on the sex and move to asking how you can help her with the multiple other peri symptoms she is likely experiencing:
Brain fog
Low mood
Anhedonia (lack of joy)
Aches and pains
Dry skin
Sweats
Headaches
Tiredness

You are focusing only on the lack of sex drive..peri does not automatically mean lack of sex drive as it happens..but imagine if you were experiencing the above symptoms for months or years on end...would you feel like you wanted sex?
If you are badgering her to go on hrt to increase her libido you are completely missing the point of hrt.
Hrt is about rebalancing hormones to improve the above symptoms. It's not a sex drug..if you frame it as that then no wonder she is saying no. You are telling her there is something wrong with her.
You need to start caring about the WHOLE of her.
Only then could she feel less pressure and perhaps the ability to take some action. If she is feeling low you must realise that that in itself will make it hard for her to see what steps she could take to feel better.

@VenusOfTheKitchen that is a seriously important point many men forget - horniness often comes after happiness - so many men expect to go around doing as little as they can get away with domestically, spend a lot of time moaning or arguing about trivial shit, are utterly selfish at prioritising themselves but then expect you to just ‘switch on and feel sexy’ - I say ‘some men’ - not all of course but I’ve had plenty of experience of this over the years