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Menopause

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Original poster

Husband looking for some advice handling my wife's perimenopause

117 replies

Acesup6995 · 09/05/2025 19:16

Hi. Sorry to sound like a creeper being a guy asking a question in a women's perimenopause forum but I'm needing some expert reality advice on my wife's perimenopause symptoms namely her decreased libido and completely checked out not caring attitude towards intimacy. She is refusing to make any tangible effort to ask a doctor about amy of her symptoms or even try to deal with them just basically saying it is what it is and there is nothing anybody can do to help even a little bit so why bother trying. That attitude is what I am really struggling with.

I'm not trying to be an unempathetic pig guy here but her just giving up without even trying is making me feel angry and like I am being played and she just doesn't want intimacy with me and is looking at perimenopause as a get out jail free card instead of an obstacle we can overcome together.

I would so freaking support her and be patient if I saw her caring and being dissapointed and missing the spark between us and fighting for it, making a tangible effort to fight for it. I think I would be so flattered by seeing her try that whereve we ended up I would consider meeting in the middle.

But her just saying she has not interest anymore and doesn't want to try anything different with me to find anything that does feel good and satisfying for her and she doesn't even want to talk about sex or go to a sex therapist and her being unwilling to even get her hormones checked or even ask a dctor what supplements or medicines or patches or whatever else can she try to get a little of it back towards me, that really bothers me. Like I understand the hormonal changes, but you can't tell me that hundreds of millions of women have gone through perimenopause and not one of them has ever been able to do anything to help regain their sex drive for their husband. You can't tell me it is an absolute death sentence for intimacy so why bother trying.

That feels like a cop out, like she is happy to have a doctor's not she can use to get out of class.

Am I being insensitive, a jackass? I have been patient and done everything that could possibly be asked of me as a husband in every aspect of marriage for years being patient watching it get worse asking her to please do something and make some effort and she just keeps saying there is nothing she can do and she doesn't care about sex anymore and it doesn't feel good for her and it just is what it is and I should shut up and deal with it.

How long do I have to be patient before I have a right to start getting offended she won't make an effort to fight for it. Am I really supposed to just shut up and do everything every day to be the perfect husband and just be happy with never knowing what it feels like for my wife to enjoy having sex with me ever again for the rest of my life? Is my wife right that there is just nothing that anybody can do that will help even a little bit and nothing worth trying? I find that hard to believe but I'm a guy so what do I know. Has anybody tried anything that has worked? Does it ever get better on its own if she just refuses to try anything?

Kind of losing my mind here. i want to be a good guy and be supportive but I also don't want to be a sucker and spend the rest of my life being friend zoned by my own wife.

OP posts:
CoastalCalm · 09/05/2025 19:46

Like she can't be happy with a dead sex life either so why not at least give an effort

Oh trust me she can be very happy

HappyNewTaxYear · 09/05/2025 19:49

‘Get out of jail free’? So having sex with you was like being in jail?

I think you need to be looking in the mirror to find the problem.

YYYDlilah · 09/05/2025 19:49

her decreased libido and completely checked out not caring attitude towards intimacy
She's using her hormones as an excuse. Her vagina slammed shut at being married to an insensitive sex pest.

Pinkissmart · 09/05/2025 19:49

OP
Do you see her as a whole human being ?

Do you care that this is primarily happening to HER?
Her body has become foreign to her. She may have brain fog, depression. People treat her differently because she's older. It's a universal, deep , profound change.

Do you that most doctors don't treat women's issues seriously?

And on top of it all, her husband is pouting because his willy is sad.

Don't you care that this is happening to her?

Do you not feel any kindness or caring towards her?

Have you talked to her about how she feels?

It's like you think she's done this to herself, that its an easy fix but she refuses do it just to spite you.

CarrieLite · 09/05/2025 19:54

help regain their sex drive for their husband.

WTAF? For their husband, seriously? How long have you been together? Do you have kids? Did you not hit low points in your sex life when the kids were little? Relationships are give and take. Be patient with her and not demanding.

On the other hand I'm surprised she's not interested in sorting out her sex drive if you think she should be doing it for you! Hmm

Boiledbeetle · 09/05/2025 19:54

I guess I don't understand why she doesn't miss our sex life enough to care and try

Have you considered you just aren't a decent enough shag in the first place?

CarrieLite · 09/05/2025 19:54

YYYDlilah · 09/05/2025 19:49

her decreased libido and completely checked out not caring attitude towards intimacy
She's using her hormones as an excuse. Her vagina slammed shut at being married to an insensitive sex pest.

You said it better than me!

Reonie · 09/05/2025 19:57

Really, this thread is so sad. During perimenopause, all I needed was someone to hold my hand, show me love, tell me it would be ok. DH did his best (he certainly never made it all about sex) and read articles, told me about training they had at work, anything to let me know he was trying to understand. But what I really needed was someone to take over bits of my life for a while, so I could put my effort into being fairly normal. The idea of someone coming onto a forum with a post that basically says "I have this problem and it's my wife" is a bit upsetting.

funniestpersonyouknow · 09/05/2025 20:00

LoudingVoice25 · 09/05/2025 19:30

My vagina clamped tightly shut just reading this.

😂

GreatJehosephat · 09/05/2025 20:02

She does not owe you sex.

Perhaps read up about perimenopause, about the mental effects, the physical effects, and have a bit of fucking empathy rather than centring yourself and your desire for sex.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/05/2025 20:02

If she had lots of good memories of past sex with you she'd be trying to find a way, she'd have something to refer back to wanting....

Every post of yours tells me exactly why she's more than happy to not seek help for this.

LoveBecomesaHabit · 09/05/2025 20:03

Reonie · 09/05/2025 19:57

Really, this thread is so sad. During perimenopause, all I needed was someone to hold my hand, show me love, tell me it would be ok. DH did his best (he certainly never made it all about sex) and read articles, told me about training they had at work, anything to let me know he was trying to understand. But what I really needed was someone to take over bits of my life for a while, so I could put my effort into being fairly normal. The idea of someone coming onto a forum with a post that basically says "I have this problem and it's my wife" is a bit upsetting.

I really feel for you reading that 😓
I hope things have improved for you.

Calmdownpeople · 09/05/2025 20:04

Acesup6995 · 09/05/2025 19:31

Thanks. I don't think I'm entitled to it but I just don't understand why she doesn't want it and miss it enough to make some effort to get it back. Like she can't be happy with a dead sex life either so why not at least give an effort. I guess I don't understand why she doesn't miss our sex life enough to care and try. I'd be patient if was working on it and frankly if she tried even if it didn't help much I think I could accept where we ended up as the middle. But for her to just not miss it or care for herself if that part of us is gone for the rest of our lives like I'm sorry that is a little insulting.

OP get a grip. She doesn’t want sex because she is going through a hormonal transition which can be physically and emotionally very very difficult.

When you are sick in bed with the flu and feel awful would you be angry if your wife said you didn’t want sex and was frustrated you wouldn’t try and fix it? You have at all tried to put yourself in her shoes and are just annoyed you aren’t getting any.

Your entitlement, attitude and lack of understanding and empathy are staggering.

As a woman who has had to deal with periods every month her whole life, pregnancy, childbirth and now menopause you have no understanding. Menopause Seriousky sucks. It’s the withdrawal of a hormone in your body you have had your whole life like drug withdrawal. Would you feel the same if your wife was going through drug withdrawal?

You post is frankly disgusting, entitled beyond belief and awful.

Deal with it. I wouldnt sleep with you either with this attitude. You need to take a serious look in the mirror. In sickness and in health guy. Remember that.

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 09/05/2025 20:04

When I last had my HRT reviewed, my GP asked about my sex drive and I said it was non-existent. She said I could try a testosterone supplement to increase it - and I said no thank you, sex just feels like one more item on someone’s else’s “to do” list that they’re expecting me to complete for them.

Basically, once we hit the menopause, a lot of us are sick of doing shit for you fuckers.

Reonie · 09/05/2025 20:05

LoveBecomesaHabit · 09/05/2025 20:03

I really feel for you reading that 😓
I hope things have improved for you.

Show quote history

Thanks - improved immeasurably when I got through menopause, and I still love, and fancy, my DH, he's a kind man. All good now. It was a bloody rough time!

SelinaPlace · 09/05/2025 20:07

Gosh, it’s all about you and your entitlement to sex, isn’t it?

Arlanymor · 09/05/2025 20:07

You are not supportive because you are fixating on one symptom that only affects you. Peri/menopause is awful - it makes you angry, apathetic, balloon in weight, exhausted, fed up, sleepless, gives you joint pain and feels like you no longer live in your own skin. And yes, for some women they lose their sex drive - sometimes temporarily and sometimes for longer.

I sympathise if she can't/won't get help - that's frustrating - but also sometimes hard to come by, I had a battle to get my own medication. But you come across as only wanting her to get help so that she can fulfil you in the bedroom, which is so self-centred and appalling. You only want her to get help for YOUR own wellbeing. And you think YOU are losing your mind? Try having all of your hormones stop working overnight so you feel like a stranger in your own body.

I don't know if you are just selfish, stupid or a bit of both? Either way you are not a supportive husband. If you care about her, educate yourself better and ask her what you can do to help - by which I mean things that don't involve sex, but her as a person. Do you remember that you married a person? Not a handmaid.

roseymoira · 09/05/2025 20:08

This is a primarily female forum for support. I wish men would just let us have this one solitary space on the internet

blubbyblub · 09/05/2025 20:10

Acesup6995 · 09/05/2025 19:31

Thanks. I don't think I'm entitled to it but I just don't understand why she doesn't want it and miss it enough to make some effort to get it back. Like she can't be happy with a dead sex life either so why not at least give an effort. I guess I don't understand why she doesn't miss our sex life enough to care and try. I'd be patient if was working on it and frankly if she tried even if it didn't help much I think I could accept where we ended up as the middle. But for her to just not miss it or care for herself if that part of us is gone for the rest of our lives like I'm sorry that is a little insulting.

I think I understand what you are trying to communicate.
truth is she needs to make the choice of whether she wants to put effort in to seeing if her libido can be reignited.

if she’s not willing to do this then you have to choose either to accept celibacy or leave. Both choices are valid. Just do whatever you decide with as much kindness as you can.

blubbyblub · 09/05/2025 20:10

roseymoira · 09/05/2025 20:08

This is a primarily female forum for support. I wish men would just let us have this one solitary space on the internet

Primarily isn’t the same as only. It’s not only for women or even parents.

blubbyblub · 09/05/2025 20:12

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 09/05/2025 20:04

When I last had my HRT reviewed, my GP asked about my sex drive and I said it was non-existent. She said I could try a testosterone supplement to increase it - and I said no thank you, sex just feels like one more item on someone’s else’s “to do” list that they’re expecting me to complete for them.

Basically, once we hit the menopause, a lot of us are sick of doing shit for you fuckers.

If you think your dh is a ‘fucker’ then why are you with him

BlueTitShark · 09/05/2025 20:13

Acesup6995 · 09/05/2025 19:31

Thanks. I don't think I'm entitled to it but I just don't understand why she doesn't want it and miss it enough to make some effort to get it back. Like she can't be happy with a dead sex life either so why not at least give an effort. I guess I don't understand why she doesn't miss our sex life enough to care and try. I'd be patient if was working on it and frankly if she tried even if it didn't help much I think I could accept where we ended up as the middle. But for her to just not miss it or care for herself if that part of us is gone for the rest of our lives like I'm sorry that is a little insulting.

The answer is quite obvious to me.
If she has no libido due to peri menopause, she’ll feel quite content wo sex. She won’t miss the spark because she doesn’t have it anymore! You don’t miss what you don’t crave iyswim.

That means, if she was going to see her GP re peri and sex life, it would only be for your benefit. Not hers.

Thats assuming that your sex life was fulfilling FOR HER in the first place.
The fact you think it’s just a cop out makes me think that maybe there is more to it. As in, why would she need a cop out if she had a nice, fulfilling, sex life that she enjoyed in the first place?
If you feel that somehow she is avoiding sex, then you might need to ask yourself why. And remember the biggest issue there might well be YOU.

blubbyblub · 09/05/2025 20:13

Reonie · 09/05/2025 19:57

Really, this thread is so sad. During perimenopause, all I needed was someone to hold my hand, show me love, tell me it would be ok. DH did his best (he certainly never made it all about sex) and read articles, told me about training they had at work, anything to let me know he was trying to understand. But what I really needed was someone to take over bits of my life for a while, so I could put my effort into being fairly normal. The idea of someone coming onto a forum with a post that basically says "I have this problem and it's my wife" is a bit upsetting.

Did you regain your libido ever? Does your marriage include sex now?

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 09/05/2025 20:13

Actually DH is lovely. It’s just a general feeling of “why won’t all you fuckers leave me alone and stop expecting stuff of me?” and he gets caught up in that.

Reonie · 09/05/2025 20:16

blubbyblub · 09/05/2025 20:13

Did you regain your libido ever? Does your marriage include sex now?

Show quote history

Yes and yes. We've both had a drop in libido with age but when the planets are in alignment, it's good 😂