Husband looking for some advice handling my wife's perimenopause

[Acesup6995]

Hi. Sorry to sound like a creeper being a guy asking a question in a women's perimenopause forum but I'm needing some expert reality advice on my wife's perimenopause symptoms namely her decreased libido and completely checked out not caring attitude towards intimacy. She is refusing to make any tangible effort to ask a doctor about amy of her symptoms or even try to deal with them just basically saying it is what it is and there is nothing anybody can do to help even a little bit so why bother trying. That attitude is what I am really struggling with.

I'm not trying to be an unempathetic pig guy here but her just giving up without even trying is making me feel angry and like I am being played and she just doesn't want intimacy with me and is looking at perimenopause as a get out jail free card instead of an obstacle we can overcome together.

I would so freaking support her and be patient if I saw her caring and being dissapointed and missing the spark between us and fighting for it, making a tangible effort to fight for it. I think I would be so flattered by seeing her try that whereve we ended up I would consider meeting in the middle.

But her just saying she has not interest anymore and doesn't want to try anything different with me to find anything that does feel good and satisfying for her and she doesn't even want to talk about sex or go to a sex therapist and her being unwilling to even get her hormones checked or even ask a dctor what supplements or medicines or patches or whatever else can she try to get a little of it back towards me, that really bothers me. Like I understand the hormonal changes, but you can't tell me that hundreds of millions of women have gone through perimenopause and not one of them has ever been able to do anything to help regain their sex drive for their husband. You can't tell me it is an absolute death sentence for intimacy so why bother trying.

That feels like a cop out, like she is happy to have a doctor's not she can use to get out of class.

Am I being insensitive, a jackass? I have been patient and done everything that could possibly be asked of me as a husband in every aspect of marriage for years being patient watching it get worse asking her to please do something and make some effort and she just keeps saying there is nothing she can do and she doesn't care about sex anymore and it doesn't feel good for her and it just is what it is and I should shut up and deal with it.

How long do I have to be patient before I have a right to start getting offended she won't make an effort to fight for it. Am I really supposed to just shut up and do everything every day to be the perfect husband and just be happy with never knowing what it feels like for my wife to enjoy having sex with me ever again for the rest of my life? Is my wife right that there is just nothing that anybody can do that will help even a little bit and nothing worth trying? I find that hard to believe but I'm a guy so what do I know. Has anybody tried anything that has worked? Does it ever get better on its own if she just refuses to try anything?

Kind of losing my mind here. i want to be a good guy and be supportive but I also don't want to be a sucker and spend the rest of my life being friend zoned by my own wife.

Lol don't you have anything better to do on a Friday night than try and get Mumsnetters all riled up?

This is so fake.

Funnily enough, it's probably not about you.

She probably doesn't want sex with anyone. So stop being insulted.

(This is assuming you are a kind and considerate husband in all other ways and not a sex pest who demands it whilst treating her as a housekeeper)

So...you accept it or you don't.

If you can't live without it and she won't compromise then you'll have to split up.

Have you had that conversation?

I suggest you do some reading up on what goes on with a woman’s body during perimenopause. Then consider what you have written.

True.

This is such good advice. Focus a little more on all the other stuff and the sex situation may fix itself in due course. I was so hoping for this thread to be positive when I opened it but reading the op I just felt more and more cringe

To be honest, as a menopausal woman there’s days I can’t even stand being in the same room as my spouse (of 30years) everything and I mean everything he does annoys me, especially so when I’m being constantly sexually harassed and no I do not want intimacy at all and haven’t for some time, But what really makes me me check out is the constant reminders that I’m not servicing other people’s needs. No HRT did not help, anti depressants as part of that treatment just completely dulled all feelings.
if she’s anything like me she’s tired, just so very tired of everything, perhaps helping her out with the day to day drudgery of life would help her feel a little better, rather than pointing out all the things she’s no longer doing for you.
if you value your marriage give her space…..it’s not forever, unless you keep on behaving the way it seems like you are currently. Give her some credit for dealing with her issues her own way.

One thing I experienced was frantic itching down below enough to make me scratch and bleed- I certainly didn’t feel very sexy !!

If I were married to OP there would be no itch down below.

My definition of bad sex is when you think 'I'd rather be doing the washing up'.

Well, I can tell you how it is for me, and maybe something will ring a bell:

Do you know how uncomfortable vaginal atrophy and the changes are? Do you know how hard it is to get a doctor to help you or recognise this issue, let alone one that knows how to help? Going to the doctor can be like banging your head against a brick wall when it comes to this issue. She may feel like she's tried and is in a hopeless place. It took me six years and many doctors to find one that would recognise it and give me some topical estrogen cream that relieved the symptoms. I can't tell you how much I spent and how much I tried during those six years. It's so disheartening.

Do you feel like you would want sex if your privates were always irritated and sex made it worse?

On good days, or now it's under control, I can tell you what makes me want sex with my DH: When he's understanding and patient and communicates in a caring way about it. When it's not all about intercourse but he's happy to find other ways to be close and intimate.

Then there's his long history of poor communication about sex from hy DH and issues that make me feel like there's precedent for me not having to try as hard as I otherwise might. How's that for you? What's the history been like? It's really not very motivating when the sex is pretty average anyway.

Although agree you could have worded this more sensitively, I think you are getting a hard time here op. I have no suggestions other than to say I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all for a married partner to want intimacy from their spouse.

I get the feeling much of your issue isn’t from the lack of libido, but from the lack of intimacy altogether and her unwillingness to do anything about it despite is deeply upsetting her partner.

My advice is to be gentle with her and not try and force anything. Intimacy comes in many forms and acts of kindness/service can go a long way in building back that bond. Book the time together, make sure she knows she’s loved. I once watched a documentary where the therapist removed sex from the table entirely for a month. It took the pressure off and actually resulted in intimacy. Sometimes the pressure/ guilt is too much.

This….absolutely

@PawsAndTails I think things have changed a bit since your experience. It's now possible to by vaginal estrogen treatments in pharmacies etc, so women should find it easier, and most GPs will be willing to prescribe as well, if asked.

We don't know if OP's wife is uncomfortable - he's not said that she's mentioned pain during sex- more that they don't have any.

I agree with the rest of your post .

I frankly couldn’t be arsed if I never had sex again.
Im post menopause now and back to more or less where I was before whereby I accept that sex is a normal and healthy expectation in a relationship within reason and will put the effort in once a fortnight on my terms, on the understanding there is no pestering/ groping me in between. I don’t do spontaneous- it’s never going to happen that way.
This was more or less my attitude when the kids were small too. Then when they grew up and things got easier sex was more frequent etc.
Menopause was a game changer, however, and all bets were off. No compromises whatsoever on my part. Shop shut down and did not open again until I was good and ready. Not only did I have no libido I felt physically averse and wanted peace and own space.
No idea how DH felt. I didn’t ask and he didn’t say. Wasn't remotely interested at the time. I’m sure he struggled with lack of sex, but that was a ‘him issue’ that had obvious solutions. Mine was coping with my shitty meno. When I felt good I wanted to enjoy it and last thing I felt like was him- or anyone- pawing all over me like a frustrated teenager finally getting some action.
It passed and he survived.

As Julie Bindall says - men do not spontaneously combust when they do not get sex

Things can't have changed as that is my current up to date experience. In my area, estrogen creams are prescription only. You can't get them over the counter (and probably shouldn't be able to). I'm only 51 and it was two years ago that I was told by a young woman doctor, "You can't have estrogen cream, it will give you cancer!". Somehow when I hit 50 it seemed acceptable.

I haven't read all the posts, and I'm not knowingly peri menopausal. However, I experienced massive changes when I found myself physically disabled several years ago and it most definitely affected my libido. I didn't magically become able bodied again, but as my husband was patient with me and continued to show love in different ways, my desire for intimacy increased. Food for thought perhaps?

Totally this.

You've made her menopause all about you