Husband looking for some advice handling my wife's perimenopause

[Acesup6995]

Hi. Sorry to sound like a creeper being a guy asking a question in a women's perimenopause forum but I'm needing some expert reality advice on my wife's perimenopause symptoms namely her decreased libido and completely checked out not caring attitude towards intimacy. She is refusing to make any tangible effort to ask a doctor about amy of her symptoms or even try to deal with them just basically saying it is what it is and there is nothing anybody can do to help even a little bit so why bother trying. That attitude is what I am really struggling with.

I'm not trying to be an unempathetic pig guy here but her just giving up without even trying is making me feel angry and like I am being played and she just doesn't want intimacy with me and is looking at perimenopause as a get out jail free card instead of an obstacle we can overcome together.

I would so freaking support her and be patient if I saw her caring and being dissapointed and missing the spark between us and fighting for it, making a tangible effort to fight for it. I think I would be so flattered by seeing her try that whereve we ended up I would consider meeting in the middle.

But her just saying she has not interest anymore and doesn't want to try anything different with me to find anything that does feel good and satisfying for her and she doesn't even want to talk about sex or go to a sex therapist and her being unwilling to even get her hormones checked or even ask a dctor what supplements or medicines or patches or whatever else can she try to get a little of it back towards me, that really bothers me. Like I understand the hormonal changes, but you can't tell me that hundreds of millions of women have gone through perimenopause and not one of them has ever been able to do anything to help regain their sex drive for their husband. You can't tell me it is an absolute death sentence for intimacy so why bother trying.

That feels like a cop out, like she is happy to have a doctor's not she can use to get out of class.

Am I being insensitive, a jackass? I have been patient and done everything that could possibly be asked of me as a husband in every aspect of marriage for years being patient watching it get worse asking her to please do something and make some effort and she just keeps saying there is nothing she can do and she doesn't care about sex anymore and it doesn't feel good for her and it just is what it is and I should shut up and deal with it.

How long do I have to be patient before I have a right to start getting offended she won't make an effort to fight for it. Am I really supposed to just shut up and do everything every day to be the perfect husband and just be happy with never knowing what it feels like for my wife to enjoy having sex with me ever again for the rest of my life? Is my wife right that there is just nothing that anybody can do that will help even a little bit and nothing worth trying? I find that hard to believe but I'm a guy so what do I know. Has anybody tried anything that has worked? Does it ever get better on its own if she just refuses to try anything?

Kind of losing my mind here. i want to be a good guy and be supportive but I also don't want to be a sucker and spend the rest of my life being friend zoned by my own wife.

Am I being insensitive, a jackass?

Yes.

Your wife is going through a major change and she can't control how she is feeling and the fact she's gone completely off sex. The biggest turn off for women is a sex pest. Imagine going through something and all your partner cares about is sex? If all my husband focused on whilst I went through something was the fact he wasn't getting any that would put me off trying to improve the situation! Imagine being so self centered that you want her to go to the doctor's for medication and patches (again putting herself through more shit) just so you can have sex. I bet you were the type who pestered her for sex after she had a baby as well 🙄

Ask her if she doesn’t want sex with “you” or if she just doesn’t want sex.

Very true and I'm happy for men to be here to educate themselves better.

I’m so glad to hear that.

I had my only dc mid thirties. I felt absolutely awful when I was breastfeeding. I was ok til six months when I started weaning then I felt like I was in a nightmare. After I stopped bf I was so hoping everything would settle down but no, turns out it was the start of peri. Its dreadful.

My mother ended up with multiple psychiatric admissions following suicide attempts in the years before her menopause.
It settled right down once she was through it and she’s much better now.
Even though it’s talked about more now, I don’t think a lot of people have a real understanding of how bad it can be for some women.

I just knew this post would be about sex - it always is - when blokes say intimacy it virtually always gets back to sex , you mention OP you don’t get why she doesn’t want it - I’m afraid women are far more complicated hormonally than men - some women never really lose the sex drive but plenty do , sometimes it is simply hormonal, sometimes it’s a mix of hormones and being married to the kind of guy that counts the days ‘since’ and can actually say things like ‘it’s been 12 days’ - sometimes it’s because they are run ragged and it’s just another thing on the ‘to do’ list. Contrary to common belief on here we are not all man haters but most women don’t like it if sex becomes an expectation and ‘she should want’ - I think you need to totally take it off the table for a good while, not mention it, be generally supportive, have a few nice nights out with zero expectation and see how that goes first- and I mean months, not weeks .

@LoveBecomesaHabit No I agree, and indeed I had no idea myself of what an absolute sledgehammer it would be to my sense of self. Glad your mum's better, good thoughts to you too.

How old are you? Was sex ever good?

This is such a common issue but unless she wants to have sex with you sadly you have to accept it or split. She won't try hrt, she isn't bothered. Yes it a shame but if she won't try to improve the situation then you can't persuade her.

You aren't a sex pest, despite some of the unhelpful comments here. Intimacy and sex are important parts of a good relationship. If one party just decides nope that's it no more, then it is grossly unfair for the other.

I would suggest you don't cheat though, that never helps. Just stay and be miserable or split.

'Get out of jail card'. Lol.
So sex with you is akin to being in prison. A horrible, tedious, boring punishment.

I think that says more about you than it does about her mate.

No it isn’t, but there is something very creepy about how many men come to a primarily female forum to ask women how to convince their wives to have more sex.

She’s not ‘fighting for it’ because she’s fucking exhausted.

The thing with women is in order to have good sex they have to feel connected, feel seen and heard emotionally. Have their needs met outside of the bedroom. Cuddles, nice chats, equal responsibilities around the home. Supported. Loved. So if those aren’t being met. Add in to that perimenopause and the potential that sex might have been a bit shit from her perspective previously it’s not surprising that she doesn’t miss it or want it ever again

It's not up to you to 'handle' your wife's perimenopause. Leave her alone and stop pestering her.

Please list your efforts for the following:

Sharing equal responsibility for the unpaid shitwork aka domestic chores including the admin that goes with running a household (historically too)
How you show you’re interested in her as a person
How you take her feelings into account
How you are considerate of ehats important to her.
His you treat her as a fully formed human being with her own wants needs hopes dreams.

Hahaha mine too! 🤣

Intimacy and sex are important parts of a good relationship.

I think for many men, the OP included, intimacy and sex are the same thing.

In reality, there are two very different things and you can have intimacy wo sex.. Albeit it might take a bit more work 😝
And actually intimacy is more likely to result in sex too.

And then there is the fact the OP is taking what is, in his own words, a health issue/hormonal imbalance as a personal attack.
When actually peri menopause (and I assume children too?) means she is juggling many plates, is tired, maybe anxious, has issues sleeping etc etc (Have a look at the long list of symptoms @Acesup6995 ) and sex is right at the bottom of her list. Something she doesn’t feel she needs just now (see lack of libido) on the top of all the other stuff.

I find it uncomfortable that the OP is focused so much on the no libido and she doesn’t want to even try to make it better without even mentioning all the other things she is likely contending with and will affect her quality of life. Surely, as someone who loves/cares for her, he should be worried about all the other stuff (too)? It just feels a bit too Me, Me, Me.

This posts is all me me me . How about thinking about all the things your wife is going through . As I know for a fact it's by no means a fun period to go through.
Plus pressuring her to get help or go to a sex therapist will just put her off more.
It's insensitive and shows how little you actually think of her.
Probably makes her feel like a object that's meant to service your needs without complaining.
This stage does end . But if you continue being so insensitive then I doubt she will want you when it does .

Going trough menopause is exhausting. Take care of all the house chores, admin, gardening etc. Make sure she’s feeling rested and relaxed. Let her sleep in as much as possible and give her a massage. Concentrating on these things will make her desire you more and feel like there may be some energy for intimacy

100% rage bait

Am I really supposed to just shut up and do everything every day to be the perfect husband and just be happy with never knowing what it feels like for my wife to enjoy having sex with me ever again for the rest of my life?

I wonder what exactly you are doing everyday to be the perfect husband? What does that involve?

I wouldn't want a sexless marriage but I also wouldn't want a whinging man complaining about his dick when in trying to process a massive change in my life. It's all about Kevin and Perry for me. Nothing will make your Vagina clamp shut faster than a grown man acting like a whinging teenager.

Your post is all me, me , me. What about me? What about my needs? If you cared about her wellbeing she night want to fuck you.

By the tone of your message, it doesn’t sound like you were a particularly giving generous lover anyway she’s probably delighted to be able to have an excuse to say no
sex is not just about the physical act it’s about intimacy and for anybody this requires a degree of understanding and kindness sounds like you checked out yours a long time ago

👏👏👏

You could pop to the Dr and ask if they have a patch or injection or pill that will reduce your libido to match your wife’s?

Imagine you were seriously ill and every day she brought you a treat or a little something to cheer you up and make you want to recover. She would be doing that because she cared about you. There would never be any expectation of sex; it would be all about you as a wonderful human. Make a plan to do that. Bring her tea in bed or whatever would be the equivalent several days a week.

Most women value emotional connection over sexual activity but the first often inspires the second. (translation for men: sincere, positive attention can make women want to screw you ...)

Try treating her like you actually fancy her (rather that just expecting sex b/c you're married). If you really want to rekindle the spark, you'll have to do what seems like the lion's share (hint: it's a long term investment and you will have to pay in a lot up front to benefit).
Flirt with her and sincerely compliment her. 'You look great in that.' 'I really appreciate you organising ...'
Give her shoulder a little squeeze and kiss her cheek (NO attempt at snogging - softee, softee, catchee monkey...)

Make it possible to spend time together - (do you even know the household timetable?) - and then do it like a rom-com lead.
Take her on dates - actual times where you say: I've booked a babysitter and our reservation is at ...
Bring her flowers just because.
Sit and watch telly/a film she chooses without pawing her; just hold her hand if she's even up for that.

Come on wife, just go and pump hormones in your body so that I can keep putting my dick inside you….🤮 Yes Op, how could she possible not want sex with you. 🤨

You are selfish and I imagine she is repulsed by you.

Ew, coming onto a predominantly female site to complain that you’re not getting enough sex from your perimenopausal wife. Gross.

What a lovely supportive husband you are. A real peach.