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Menopause

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Original poster

Husband looking for some advice handling my wife's perimenopause

117 replies

Acesup6995 · 09/05/2025 19:16

Hi. Sorry to sound like a creeper being a guy asking a question in a women's perimenopause forum but I'm needing some expert reality advice on my wife's perimenopause symptoms namely her decreased libido and completely checked out not caring attitude towards intimacy. She is refusing to make any tangible effort to ask a doctor about amy of her symptoms or even try to deal with them just basically saying it is what it is and there is nothing anybody can do to help even a little bit so why bother trying. That attitude is what I am really struggling with.

I'm not trying to be an unempathetic pig guy here but her just giving up without even trying is making me feel angry and like I am being played and she just doesn't want intimacy with me and is looking at perimenopause as a get out jail free card instead of an obstacle we can overcome together.

I would so freaking support her and be patient if I saw her caring and being dissapointed and missing the spark between us and fighting for it, making a tangible effort to fight for it. I think I would be so flattered by seeing her try that whereve we ended up I would consider meeting in the middle.

But her just saying she has not interest anymore and doesn't want to try anything different with me to find anything that does feel good and satisfying for her and she doesn't even want to talk about sex or go to a sex therapist and her being unwilling to even get her hormones checked or even ask a dctor what supplements or medicines or patches or whatever else can she try to get a little of it back towards me, that really bothers me. Like I understand the hormonal changes, but you can't tell me that hundreds of millions of women have gone through perimenopause and not one of them has ever been able to do anything to help regain their sex drive for their husband. You can't tell me it is an absolute death sentence for intimacy so why bother trying.

That feels like a cop out, like she is happy to have a doctor's not she can use to get out of class.

Am I being insensitive, a jackass? I have been patient and done everything that could possibly be asked of me as a husband in every aspect of marriage for years being patient watching it get worse asking her to please do something and make some effort and she just keeps saying there is nothing she can do and she doesn't care about sex anymore and it doesn't feel good for her and it just is what it is and I should shut up and deal with it.

How long do I have to be patient before I have a right to start getting offended she won't make an effort to fight for it. Am I really supposed to just shut up and do everything every day to be the perfect husband and just be happy with never knowing what it feels like for my wife to enjoy having sex with me ever again for the rest of my life? Is my wife right that there is just nothing that anybody can do that will help even a little bit and nothing worth trying? I find that hard to believe but I'm a guy so what do I know. Has anybody tried anything that has worked? Does it ever get better on its own if she just refuses to try anything?

Kind of losing my mind here. i want to be a good guy and be supportive but I also don't want to be a sucker and spend the rest of my life being friend zoned by my own wife.

OP posts:
GilmoreGhouls · 09/05/2025 19:22

“Am I being insensitive, a jackass?”
Yes, what a long winded boring way of saying “I’m a sex pest and my wife won’t service me”, leave her alone, she doesn’t want to have sex. Either accept it and move forward with a sexless life, for a potential short or long time, or break up. She doesn’t owe you going to the doctor or patches or getting her hormones checked, she doesn’t owe you sex.

Scratchingaroundinthesameoldhole · 09/05/2025 19:25

Try being kind to your wife and understanding how difficult going through menopause is.

This post sounds like you're only worried about not getting the sex you think you're entitled to.

madroid · 09/05/2025 19:26

Your whole post reeks entitlement and bull dozing your wife into sex. She does NOT need a get out of jail card to say no even though you are married.

i think you have to decide if you’re prepared to wait and see and for how long. Or if this is a deal breaker. Then talk.

AnotherNaCha · 09/05/2025 19:27

Is this “rage bait”?

FFS

She’s no doubt put up with you being a selfish are and when the “wake up” hormones kick in, you’re complaining. Be support. There’s a million resources online so be proactive instead of looking for a “poor man, your wife is disinterested” pat on the back because it definitely wont happen here

JinglingSpringbells · 09/05/2025 19:28

Am I being insensitive, a jackass?

Sort of.

You must know that there is nothing that's a bigger turn-off for women than being badgered for sex. And making it all about you and what you're not getting.

Not all women go off sex during menopause. That's a bit of a myth.
Many women go off their husbands after 25 or 30 years but it's not always because of their hormones.
Many women feel tired because of their hormones and less patient with their husbands if they don't pull their weight around the house.

I think you should stop- just stop- pestering her about sex or even mentioning it.
You should though encourage her to seek medical help if she is having a terrible time with hot flushes, lack of sleep and low mood. HRT would probably sort all of those. If she's unsure about HRT and the risks, point her in the direction of good medical sites (online) where she can read up on HRT etc.

Or of course she can ask here.

Make it less about the loss of sex and more about her getting help for herself. Then she might like you a bit more and eventually feel 'more in the mood.'

LoudingVoice25 · 09/05/2025 19:30

My vagina clamped tightly shut just reading this.

purpleme12 · 09/05/2025 19:31

How long has this been going on for?

AnonAnora · 09/05/2025 19:31

And this is not a forum of perimenopaisal women, by the way

Original poster
Acesup6995 · 09/05/2025 19:31

Thanks. I don't think I'm entitled to it but I just don't understand why she doesn't want it and miss it enough to make some effort to get it back. Like she can't be happy with a dead sex life either so why not at least give an effort. I guess I don't understand why she doesn't miss our sex life enough to care and try. I'd be patient if was working on it and frankly if she tried even if it didn't help much I think I could accept where we ended up as the middle. But for her to just not miss it or care for herself if that part of us is gone for the rest of our lives like I'm sorry that is a little insulting.

OP posts:
BeardOToots · 09/05/2025 19:33

You could leave her if you think nothing will change!

Picle · 09/05/2025 19:33

Acesup6995 · 09/05/2025 19:31

Thanks. I don't think I'm entitled to it but I just don't understand why she doesn't want it and miss it enough to make some effort to get it back. Like she can't be happy with a dead sex life either so why not at least give an effort. I guess I don't understand why she doesn't miss our sex life enough to care and try. I'd be patient if was working on it and frankly if she tried even if it didn't help much I think I could accept where we ended up as the middle. But for her to just not miss it or care for herself if that part of us is gone for the rest of our lives like I'm sorry that is a little insulting.

It probably wasn't that great for her in the first place.

Also it sounds to me like she's hurting over something/several things.

BlunderMifflin · 09/05/2025 19:34

Maybe she’s just not that into you.

fufulina · 09/05/2025 19:36

Why don’t you visit the GP and see if there is a treatment to lower your problematic libido?

persisted · 09/05/2025 19:36

Have you tried shutting up and leaving her alone? For a period of time, not just an afternoon. You might find she remembers why she liked you if you stop banging on about it.

I can tell you that bothering someone constantly and whinging about it is not sexy, so that's a really good way to make sure it doesn't get better.

Reonie · 09/05/2025 19:39

Perimenopause is like: oh I used to be this completely confident and able person, and now I can't string a thought together, I forget words and feel like an idiot, I am enraged by everything in society especially men (it's often a time when women really, truly wake up to what patriarchy does in society), my body feels alien, and the idea of sex is just bizarre.

CUT HER SOME SLACK

It gets better. If you show her you love her and support her, you will be top of the list when she starts feeling better.

itsgettingweird · 09/05/2025 19:39

Try empathising.

If you didn’t feel like sex and someone just said it’s a you problem to find a cure for to give me what I need - would that make you feel like you wanted sex with that person?

PS - the answers no.

If you want your wife to feel sexually attracted to you then try becoming an attractive personality through live and care.

Men have no empathy for what woman go through just so they can exist on this earth!

nocoolnamesleft · 09/05/2025 19:41

Your post seems to very much be about you, and fuck all about her. The only aspect of the massive changes she's going through that you seem to care about is where it affects your dick. You basically come across as though you're saying "help, my domestic robot's sex function is broken, how do I fix it?" And that's a total turn off.

StealthMama · 09/05/2025 19:41
  1. Her menopause is not about your sexual needs.
  2. She is working through it, with little support
  3. Have you always been a dick? This could account for her lack of motivation
  4. Have you once considered how menopause seriously affects her, outside of the realms of your boner?
  5. Read point 1 again and then re-read your original Post

Dear god alive. It's no wonder there are so many middle aged women divorcing their husbands.

myplace · 09/05/2025 19:42

“not one of them has ever been able to do anything to help regain their sex drive for their husband.”

Her entire body and emotions are in flux and you’re whining about your sex life.

How about she gets her sex drive back for her, rather than you?

How about she regains control of her emotions, her enthusiasm, her focus and memory, for her, rather than you?

And I tell you now, so you know… younger women swimming in oestrogen put up with shit that older women can’t be arsed with. So you may need to pull your socks up. Maybe she needs you to make an effort to work on what life looks like next, rather than get hung up on sex.

vodkaredbullgirl · 09/05/2025 19:42

Thank god I'm single couldn't be doing with it.

Reonie · 09/05/2025 19:42

vodkaredbullgirl · 09/05/2025 19:42

Thank god I'm single couldn't be doing with it.

Heartfelt.

fufulina · 09/05/2025 19:43

vodkaredbullgirl · 09/05/2025 19:42

Thank god I'm single couldn't be doing with it.

🙌

Gingercatlover · 09/05/2025 19:45

WHAT ABOUT HER FEELINGS!

Octavia64 · 09/05/2025 19:45

Well, I can tell you why I didn’t miss it.

my (now Ex) husband was totally focused on his own pleasure and while we had great sec when we were first married after a while it just became a bit shit, and with birth injuries etc I just didn’t care any more.

it hurt. It wasn’t pleasant. He clearly didn’t give a shit about me enjoying it so in return I stopped giving a shit about him wanting it.

seriously, if you’ve been married a long time and she’s happy with a dead sex life I think you can assume she wasn’t getting anywhere near as much out of it as you were.

if you started talking to her along the lines of “I want you to enjoy sex again and I’m happy to try new things and do stuff differently” you might get somewhere

Sofasloth · 09/05/2025 19:45

Have you asked her what she wants more of? Like going to the cinema etc not as a means to an end to get sex but actually just to make it more about her and not so much about your penis?

There is nothing so unattractive as a man pestering for sex. It makes women's skin crawl and then it's a cycle of doom to the divorce. Stop asking, stop hinting. Stop.

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