Where have all the fit, interesting and available men gone? Part 22

[Monty100]

Yay, did I make it to the bar first again??

Hello all, I was here briefly before quite a while ago and although I've lurked a bit, I find it hard to keep up with you all!
Congratulations to all of you cosied up on the marital sofa- a lot changes in 6 months!

U and me, I have been mostly single for the last 2 years, I had been in a relationship for 4 years before that. I have needed these 2 years to build a relationship with myself (sounds wanky, but i don't know how else to phrase it!). I did poke my toe in the dating waters a couple of times, but quickly realised that I was chosing similar types to my ex again.
Now that i've taken a long break from dating, I know myself again and I can recognise when I'm attracted to someone for the wrong reasons, which means I'm not constantly laying myself open to being hurt again.
And yes, a lot of men have one track minds!

I get what you mean fairy lights...I liked squaddie, but thinking about it, it would have been very similar to relationship with ex, sort of man in charge for a better way to put it. They always had the power in the relationship, not always in a violent or controlling way but it all revolved around them.

hello again flf
I agree with you about spending some time on your own, I think I have grown to quite prefer it tbh
am def wary and looking to avoid ex types! I suppose that is quite strange uam ,coming from the perspective of an arranged marriage, now you have to go through all that mistake making process! but if you know yourself and what you want I bet you don't make as many mistakes as I did
def try and spend some time with your dc and friends first, you could do stuff, maybe a class, while dc at school?

clara, that's exactly it, I go for fairly dominant men, but if I'm not careful, I end up becoming submissive and lose sight of what I want in a relationship.

I dated someone for about 6 weeks at the end of last year and it became apparent very quickly that he was not going to accept that he was not my first priority, even though I had been very clear that my kids came first.

I would like to be with someone that I can be equal with, but I'm getting there. I got chatted up the last time I was out, by someone who was obviously Mr Dominant again, but was together enough to recognise and not get in contact, even though I had his number!

Hello ninah, I am loving single life for the most part, it's just that every so often I have an itch that needs scratching, so to speak and then I think that I want it on tap. I would love to find a Friend With Benefits, but they never really work...

Have realised that internet dating isn't for me, I rely far to much on body language, etc so I can't judge when they're just a profile page. However I am going to try to go out a bit more often to practice my flirting just need to organise some babysitting.

i all will catch up properly later on as there's laods.

had a good ogle last night @ the gym lol. anyhow, now freaking out with the boy - he's told mum that we don't see xp anymore as he's a stranger and he's not allowed to talk to him (I told him this when we first split up last may) he then went on to tell mum that soldier comes to the house, he hears him & he sleeps here. not sure if it's cos I have a bungalow & he hears him when he comes in/us talking and assumes or if it goes back to when he saw him on the sofa. Solider & I were going to introduce the kids at a fete on saturday. I don't want to go back to having everything totally compartmentalised again as so far my 3 worlds seem to be mixing quite well together but DS's well being has to come first. Just makes me so sad to hear him say to mum he's 'worried' about mummy - he's 4.5 ffs he shouldn't be worried about anything other than what colour football to pick out.

mum says to carry on as normal & see how it works out as we don't want soldier to get to involved with the 'family unit' straight away - ie can't have a 3 until you have a 2. Maybe we're over stressing it all.

How have you all delt with it with LO's who to be fair, i've managed to wing it so far with DS, XH & I all being separate but now he's getting older he's trying to figure it all out in his little mind.

options are:

1. soldier comes over later on when we're both exhausted & we loose the whole talking/being us thing which we like.
2. he comes around the back & DS doesn't hear as the doors are all shut inbetween.
3. I have 2 separate lives again
4. I sack the whole thing off.

tbh options 3 & 4 are not really ones I want to go down. but it looks like DS will be introduced more quickly than originally planned. How have you guys always worked things with the kids if it doesn't pan out? oh and the 5th option is becoming a nun until DS is 16! HELP!

I did manage it once apon a time with DS, but that was 10 years ago and he had no contact with his father.
My DD is 3 and I have a wierd set-up in that her Dad comes and stays at weekends, so mostly i have avoided dating because the logistics are so difficult.
When I was briefly dating I organised babysitting during the week apart from one weekend, when I went on to bloke's place from meeting up with friends and then sneaked in at about 5 in the morning, feeling like a naughty teenager .
I have no idea what I'll do if I start dating again.

hi everyone

it's took me half hour to catch up again so some of the replies may be 'out-of-date'

ninah - lol at bbq, glad the hostess was brill about it though i agree with thigns being petty in school; i've just started helping with the reading in dd's class and sometimes the things the teachers say are a bit petty and should remain in the staffroom not for classroom ears iyswim.

juice - sorry about interview it's worth asking though, belle's idea was good (no idea what it is now - i forgot to write what it was on my 'catch-up pad' ). have you actually sent the email yet?
rochester's a bf?!! have you a pic on fb??

belle - i put soemthing down about soldier on pad and cannot read own writing

pmg - court what buggers. would definitely try and see cab?

monty - good on you for asking her to remove pic/s, no need to be sorry is she going to send you the originals? as for the wedding man - what is it with men at weddings? i hope sponge has better luck

lou - how was dd's paper? hope she's passed it ahh at dp and at your 'evidence'

scl - happy is very good

janos - ((((hugs)))

uandme - hi that you feel locked in to your past, be gentle on yourself and i agree with what monty said about the wheat and chaff with the online dating sites. also agree with the other lady who said (sorry i cna't remember who ) that you are your own person and a mother too, you will be fine sweetheart .

sponge - was going to say spill about wedding man but you already have! anythign else to add

i've killed the thread

where is everyone?

belle-sounds like ds is a little confused as to what is going on, did he ask you any questions about soldier after the time he saw him? I would just be honest with him if he asks any questions, I know things are still early on with you and soldier but you have to do what is right for you and ds.

In my case, I decided to introduce kids to bf at weekend, I hadnt planned to introduce them this early but it just felt right and went so well I talked to the girls about him the week beforehand and explained he is mummy's bf and asked them if they would like to meet him, I did get a few questions but they were quite happy with it. We are planning on introducing my 2 to his dd at the weekend on a day out somewhere. I expect a lot of people will think it's too early but the end of the day we all do what we think is right.

I'm off sick at the mo, turns out the dizziness was due to a sinus infection. Which seems to be getting a bit better now.

or you could just say friend
four is a nice age to introduce someone, things are much simpler and they can accept you as having friends like they do

yeah as ninah says you could introduce him as a friend. I didnt do that because dd1 is almost 7 and as mummy doesnt really have any male friends i think she would have sussed lol

i do introduce them as friends (aside from dp that is), as they are used to me having a lot of male friends anyway

i think friend is the best way until you know for sure

Agree with Lou, I think unless it would seem totally weird to say they were a friend (my two are used to me having a few male friends, although usually as half of couples) then thats possibly the way to go, for the time being anyway. However I've yet to cross this bridge with my 2 (I met my Ex when DS1 was 18 months so it was never an issue back then) and given Ds1 is far too clever for his own good, I suspect whatever I said he would be doing the at me!

am feeling a bit flushed at the moment....wedding man now has my number albeit for purely professional purposes - well at present anyway!

are you getting married on the sly then sponge?

who was it who asked about dd and her exam?

as far as we know it went well, and thank you for asking

my back feels buggered today, i woke up in pain and thought it was just how i slept and it would hopefully wear off, but it has actually got worse and spread right across to both sides now, so if it doesnt improve tomorrow it looks like another trip to the gp for more strong pills (i guess that could be a silver lining lol)

dp has been using his time off to be all wonderfully handy man like, and fixed the roofing on the summerhouse as well as the door to it, and also the flooring (he was carrying a massive bag of compost inside it and put his foot through the floor!)

exh would botch job the diy when it needed doing, and took forever as well, but i went out for an hour earlier , came back and found the flooring almost done

it's such a bloody turn on

did i mention i dropped 3 of the kids to their father on sunday? dd2 was asking when they were going to see him (he has been back a week and made no effort to arrange a time to have htem) , and ds2 said he wanted to go too, so i sent him a message on sat, which he didnt reply to as i thought as england were playing

so sunday morning i call him and he has his landline unplugged and his mobile off ffs

he finally called a few hours later, whereupon i told him v bluntly that he cant do that as a"parent", and if he wanted to give himself that title he had to be able to be contacted in case there was an emergency, just like i cant turn my phone off if i am not with them

he gave some flannel about the footie and some mate who keeps disturbing him, but i wasnt having it and said he had to keep one on in future

anyway they went there for about 3 hours but he didnt ask to have them again

oh and yesterday was also my wedding anniversary lol

oh a capable fixer gets my vote any time lou
sadly I have to pay for it
how do you feel about anniversary? sad? weird? relieved?
curious as I haven't really been in that situation only made it to paper I think
well nm/ex thing is finally limping to a close and after the ostrich approach I think I am needed to do the 'it's not you it's me' talk (it is you you flabby individual)
to cheer myself up i have booked for the green man in august - worked so far
shallow, moi?

Sorry to hear about your back lou. Your ex never ceases to surprise with his twattishness. Not answering the phone cos of footie? FFS.

Vee at your fab handyman. I want one! Not sure about the boyfriend bit.

Someone to help with the tedious grunt work of parenting would be nice...although I get DS to myself which is good

ninah - that the guy with the rude teenage son?

Belle - option 5 deffo out I reckon. Tho I seem to be living like a nun these days...

ninah i reckon you should tell him it isnt you it's him!

as for exh, he also babbled on about how he has a friend (amazingly) from his hostel days who keeps calling him threatening suicide, which was another reason he turned both phones off, so he could watch the footie in peace

i told him i didnt give a fuck, let him do it, he should put the kids first

ffs he will never get it i dont think

i didnt feel anything really about my wedding anniversary, tbh i knew it was approaching , but i didnt actually realise until halfway through the day

i would much rather point out the fact that dp and i have a 6 month benchmark approaching in the next few days

lou - an anniversary (Monthiversary?) worth celebrating.

Nope....your ex probably never will 'get it'. If it did he wouldn't carry on, well, like he does.

very busy of late so am just scanning last few posts,will endeavour to catch up at some point!
ninahbut i know that the whole situ has been getting you down for ages, and fgs it's about time that he grew a pair and dealt with that shit teenage son of his
belle whatever feels right for you will be right for your son,you're allowed a life beyond being a mum
agree with everyone else tho that it's best to introduce him as a friend for now then play it by ear
lol @ lou and the wedding anniversary,mine would have been coming up soon too but ho hum who gives a toss...have been with dp for over a year now and am more than happy thank-you very much

Hi everybody

It's my wedding anniversary today. Would have been twenty years . It lasted seven . Summer weddings eh!

The reception I went to the other day was in the same hotel we had ours. And guess who was there? Yep exh. I cracked a joke saying, 'gosh here we are 20 years on, shall we have our picture taken?' Is that bad??? . (We were in the exact same garden where our photos were taken. I think he though it was quite amusing but his dp didn't.

Lou - sorry you're in pain, hope you mend soon.

ASBM - good to see you.

Belle - yes, introduce as a friend, don't end it.

Betty - glad you're feeling better.

Ninah - did you have the chat?

Janos - anyone on the horizon?

Sponge - hmm I hope he phones.

Hi everyone else.

lol monty, shall we "celebrate" together?

mine would have been 15 yrs

dp and i cant decide when the 6m is tho, because we met on the 16th of dec, but it was the second date on the 19th that he asked me to be his gf

Lou - absolutely! Chink!

Go for 16th, it's further away from Christmas and you might get pressies every year down the line.

Lots of anniversaries about- it was 10 years a few weeks ago since the dreaded Ex and I first met....no wedding anniversary as we never got married, but the date we met is forcibly imprinted on my mind cos it was the week after my birthday. I prefer to think of the 2 years since we split than the 8 we were together tho

Monty- I'm providing him with some (unofficial) legal advice, just have to see whether I can move matters onto a more social footing lol

I'm such a fool sometimes. Was so tired last night I went to bed at 10.30. However am so used to only getting 6 or so hours sleep I was up at 5am Have done some washing, cleaned the kitchen, made the boys lunches, got dressed etc and still have an hour til I leave for work!

hey all, thanks for your advice, DS doesnt' really see me with male friends they're either friends partners or work mates whom he's only seen at work but not here - he's a v switched on little boy as well so knows there's something happening - have said 'mummy sometimes has a friend over for tea like you did with XX' but they don't sleep here, is that ok - got a yes. I was hoping by him meeting soldier for the coffee in the cafe it would solve the problem of him asking questions - whilst I don't want to hide anyhting it's a bit sooner than i'd have liked - introducing the kids on sat still feels perfectly normal and not rushed or forced or anything. I think i'm working from the POV that DS has already had one break up - and I don't want him to go thru it again on the off chance it may happen again. it all seems to flow thou, there's talk about xmas plans already as well and soldier being with us for some of it as DS doesn't look to be going with his dad. so it's not a flash in the pan as it were.

how does one have the conversation of this is mummys BF? we just basically said this is soldier - and upon being asked I said he was one of mummy's friends and he was a soldier like daddy (prob not the best thing to say admittedly) it's so tricky knowing what to say to a 4.5 year old!! think until now it's never been discussed - or why daddy doesn't live with us etc etc etc maybe it's time now he's older to understand?

Anyhow...

Lou - at having a man for DIY, but usual tricks from XH I see.

sponge - oooh wedding man - any progress??

betty - hope you feel better soon.

pirate - how's DD? can anything be done to help her?

better run off to work & finish catching up there - boss is out so will have the pad at the ready!