Pregnant and doing it on our own

[maledetta]

Hello, this is just as the thread title says- for embryonic lone parents! There have been several of us bouncing around various threads for some time now- anybody else out there?

congratulations girls on your pregnancies - and welcome to the best kept secret in life - doing it on your own is better.

Not without its problems, but better on balance, i'd say.

I gave birth to my DD 5 months ago, and for what it's worth my only advice would be (i) stick to your guns about the birth. If you don't want him there, don't tell him when you're in labour. Lots of MNers wrote on a thread I started that the birth was all about DD, not me, therefore it was essential he saw he born for their relationship in the future.
This is bollocks. The birth is all about you, and the father shouldn't meet the child until you have recovered.

(ii) Bear in mind, your exps most likely have mothers themselves, who will be desperate to see their grandchild. Based on my experience, you basically end up with a MIL wihtout the benefits of a DP. I hated mine at first, but warmed to her once she relaxed and realised I wasn't going to deny her access to DD and sent her lots of photos, even rung her up for motherly chats. I realise that having her as an ally is extremely important for the future.

Oh, and stick to your guns about introducing your baby to their new GFs as well (see my thread from a couple of days ago).

But above congratulations and good luck

I disagree with that incandescent. I know several men who were willing to be there for their children and really wanted to see the birth of their child and are quite upset, even years later, that they were not permitted to do so by their ex's. My ex was a sod but was there when DS was born and was actually quite good at the time. Despite later problems, I wouldn't change that.

Now everyone's circumstances are different, and what may be the prudent course of action for some, may not be so for others, so I actually feel it comes down to personal choice as to whether or not to include an ex at the birth. Like it or not it can help some men to make the mental adjustment to fatherhood. May not be quite fair, but it's true.

gosh i feel a bit at this thread now, but yes 2kidz, you do have a point.
i should have pointed out that in my case, i did explain to DD's dad that i wouldn't feel comfortable vomiting/urinating/defecating in front of him as he wasn't my partner. As it turned out, i didn't do any of those things in labour, but my comments had in fact put him off, and he said he was relieved i didn't want him there!
also, i shd point out that he lives in a different city from me, therefore was unable to come to any ante-natal classes, and it certainly woudln't have been fair on me for him to just waltz into the delivery suite having done no preparation. indeed, i only saw him four times during my pregnancy.
i do think he may regret not seeing our dd come into the world now, but i don't. i don't think that's terribly selfish of me either, as i'm with sheila kitzinger on the whole sexual nature of birth. obviously i'd sex with dd's dad in the past, but bc we weren't in a sexual relationship at the time of the birth, it would hvae been inappropriate for him to have been there.
anyway, he saw he when she was six hours old, after i'd had a wash, a faint (!) and a cry and it was all fine.

Cor, some interesting points about the birth and everything here.....I don't think you have to be having a sexual relationship with the father at the time of the birth, but I do think that there has to be some kind of intimacy, and a "relationship of trust". And of course, as you say incandescent, that does involve the father putting in a bit of spadework before the birth.

My baby's father has been quite good recently- I don't know how to handle this, as I've spent the last 6 months fantasisng about complex ways to kill him/damage his property (still a little regretful that I never ACTUALLY pushed his precious VW camper off the quay!).

But the question of trust also impacts on what kind of relationship you want your DC to have with their dad anyway....For example, if they're really flaky and inconsistent with you, will they be that way with their child? And would that not be more damaging for the child than having no relationship at all with their dad?

Itwas: Hello again! You're having a boy too?! I'm glad you're happy;- I was devastated at first! This is because I am, at heart, a total man-hating feminist...But my hippier friends have suggested that maybe this baby has chosen me because of what he can teach me about learning to love Malekind. Etcetera. I'm sure I shall love him anyway.....

The birth partner thing (exclusive of twunt) has been nagging away at me for months: I'd pretty much reconciled myself to only being with the midwives (who are great).Can't really afford a doula, you see. I did have a friend offer today, though: can't help feeling that, despite my best intentions, it will only get resolved at the very last minute.....

I see you point of view regarding the fact that your are at your most vulnerable and exposed when in labour incandescent. You obviously made the right choice for you. You sound like a strong woman! Handling an ex is always tricky. You have a family with them but at the same time they're not your family. Everyone has to adjust to and handle that in the way that is best for them/makes things as amicable as possible for both parties.

All us women who are out there on our own doing our best deserve all the joy and luck in the world, so to all those facing a pregnancy on their own I say congratulations, and best wishes in everything you and your DCs do. You are not alone.

Hello again!

Thanks for starting the thread Maledetta.

I didn't realise your due date was so close. I hope everything re: the birth does get sorted out soon. Although I think I would find it confusing to say the least if my Ex started being quite good after months of not being around. Fingers crossed for you.

I am bucking the trend and have a girl on the way - v happy about that. Think I must be going through my 'man hating feminist' phase like you . Promise to keep the pink stuff to a minimum though itwas...

I have a friend of mine who has volunteered to do the birth partner thing but am thinking about hiring a doula also. I think it's because I'm feeling so vulnerable about the birth. Want a good team cheering me on and looking out for my best interests.

I have posted before that I don't want the Ex to be at the birth but I take 2kidz's point about bonding etc. Hmmm. It's a difficult one.

Generally I'm feeling quite positive about everything at the moment but I do go up and down.

Hope you guys are having a great weekend!

Hey ladies-

I know exactly the dilemmas you are facing - I went through them myself just over three years ago. You know, it's pretty tricky predicting how you'll feel post-birth when you're pregnant, but things do change very rapidly once your little one arrives. In just a year or so he or she will be aware of tensions in your home, the way her parents treat each other and even some of the underlying resentments which have built up. If you don't tell your ex when you are in labour you are setting a dangerous precedent of deceit and mistrust between you. Whether you like it or not, you will soon have a child together and a responsibility to co-parent to the best of your abilities, even if you are not actually together as a couple. Try not to set out on the wrong foot and be the bigger person here: make your mind up now whether you want him at the birth or not and talk to him honestly. Your child is the innocent party here and does not want to arrive into the middle of a feud. S/he deserves the love and attention of both parents. If your ex wants to be a hands-on dad your child will benefit hugely and I really would advise you help facilitate this in every way you can. Of course it is your body and your choice who is at the birth, but you are carrying half his child and you two together created a whole person. Don't use him/her as a pawn to avenge your own pain and anger - now is the time to unite as parents and make this child the happiest, healthiest and best person he/she can be.

All the best,
Orit Sutton
How To Be A Happy Single Mother: An Inspirational Guide To Parenting Alone

I agree with you 0123 in that we have to be or at least try to be 'the bigger person'. Not always easy though as I'm sure you know.

Great fantasies I have had include:

Ice pick in the back of the neck.

The aforementioned shoving his van off the edge of the quay.

He incautiously gave me ALL his internet banking details while we were together (Wanted me to check his account for him while I was in the library). I have the piece of paper carefully tucked away. I guess I could clean the account out. If there was actually ever any money in it.

Creeping into his boat, switching the battery terminals round,bypassing all the fuses and turning all the circuits on. Big bang and shower of sparks!

Chainsawing most of the way through his bowsprit. Could cause catastrophic rig failure, if undetected.

Various other acts of boating sabotage geared towards sinking.

Vengeful acts I have actually committed:

Leaving his hacksaw out in the rain.

Sending him some sarky texts.

Go go Cruella de Vil eh.....

For some reason, I can't stop myself being (moderately) reasonable. Hell.

Although....one of the pros of having him at the birth would be being able to beat him black and blue under the pretext of "being in transition..."

Itwas.....Blimey, it looks like you will be well prepared for the toddler years, having had this bloke to deal with....It's a shame;- so often, blokes seem to get away with this kind of behaviour without any of their friends, relatives or peers giving them a good slapping down....(from your previous posts, I get the impression his mates all still love him. GGrrreat).

Are you SURE it's easier to bring up an emotionally stable boy than a girl?? If so, why are there so many immature adult male fuckups around? (Although, of course, our sons will be browbeaten into being absolutely perfect gentlemen, I'm sure...!

)First dibs on Pumagirl's daughter for mine! (unless he turns out gay, which I'm secretly hoping for...In which case, first dibs on your son!!).

Ah, looks like we've cross posted, PG!

Don't worry, I can assure you that by 8 months you WILL be the bigger person. Quite literally.

Also, every time you crouch down to get something on the bottom shelves at ASDA, you will be tempted to just sit down on the floor and not get back up again.

hello ladies would love to join you all. im due in May, and am already a mum to a lovely Ds age 3. i have known this babies dad for more than 6 years and he has decided to not be involved at all, in fact he has left the counrty to work. i do still have wobbles where i worry about weather i will cope/ am doing the right thing, fortuately as time is going on they are becoming less and less, but at the end of it all i know im making the right descision for all involved.

when are you all due? does anyone else have other children?
On the subject of birth and presence of baby's father or not, i chose not to last time and had my mum and nan instead, think i will be going the same route this time...possibly minus my nan as she was worn out for a few days after ( she's 86).

Congratulations itshappenedagain!

You and itwascertainlyasurprise make a great pair, namewise!

I don't think any of the currently pregnant women on this thread have any other kids...Consequently I think we are all bricking it out of fear of the unknown.

I am due on Jan.17th, and PumaGirl and itwas...are due in March. I feel quite jealous of you that you're having a baby in lovely warm May...you might be able to get away with outdoor birthday parties for the next 18 years!

And another babyfather for the Twuntface Nobjockey bin of shame then.....(sigh).

Hi itwascertainlyasurprise - I totally understand and agree with you: you must, indeed, look after your emotional well being, for yourself and your child. I experienced a similar situation and just had to get on with everything. I think you're being amazing. Your ex may change his mind over time, or he may not. Whatever happens, please know I'm always around if you want a 'chat'.

Hi PumaGirl - being the bigger person is certainly not easy at all. If I need strength I just look at my daughter

maledetta-thanx for the update on all the due dates. i also agree that you need to do what is best for you and baby, so your well being must come first. My Ds father was fab at first, then fucked off to london to chase another woman when i was about 5.5 months preg, he then complained that i didnt involve him in the birth . came back when Ds was 2weeks old after named woman found out i was preg and told him to fuck off, then we didnt see him again untill Ds was 20 monthsand thats when he got very violent towards me in front of DS, i called the police and...a long story later... got an injunction. were now 12 months on and starting to get aback to normal, even though this pregnancy threw everything slightly.
So can i please add 2 fathers to the twuntface knobjockey bin of shame?

this Los father was slightly differnt, at least he has the common decency to admit from the start he was shit and didnt want this so wasnt going to stay around. and i must give him his due like no other man i have known before he gaev me an ultimatum and stuck to it! shame about the situation.
im slowly but surely telling family and friends, who have all ahad varying reactions to the news, but all settled on the same conclusion that they still love me.

Puma girl- being the bigger person takes a lot of strength as a person, and sometimes you just slip and it doesnt happen, however somethimes being the bigger person makes you know that you have done the right thing and no-one can ever comment on it, even if it all goes tits up!

Hi All,

Welcome to itshappenedagain - sounds like you've really been through it. And more to come! Yikes! I wonder if it's harder as you know what's in store whereas the rest of us are just imagining.

Maledetta and itwas - am loving the evil thoughts. Kinda makes you feel better somehow

Glad to know that my girl already has a betrothed who will, of course, be an absolute gent! Hurrah! Engagement party in the diary for March 2016.

Teehee Itwas.....Guess what I do for a living? I'm a signwriter! I'm thinking maybe a 12-foot penis-shaped sign with "Having a baby you take no responsibility for will not "ruin your life" your selfish git.....but hopefully this sign will!" What do you think?

Over the last couple of days I have been thinking how nice Christmas will be with a little one- gathering things from the woods to decorate the house, and the school nativity play, which sounds like a hoot (my friend's daughters' is called "Aliens at Christmas";- sounds hysterical,but all my attempts to gatecrash have failed;honestly, it's a hotter ticket than Lily Allen!).

Going to see the MW this afternoon; twunt is supposed to come with; now, will he text? Or will I, yet again, have to chase him up? Grrrrr......

Hello ladies!
maledetta you havent got that long to go now i see...and next christmas will be fab for you and LO. Ds and i are enjoying the build up to christmas making the last of the cookies tonight and will be going to see santa on friday.im also loving the idea of a sign...think you could possibly break into the market with them on Ebay for all those in our situation...will you make them in portugeese too...Los father is in brazil and thats the language that they all speak, irony is they all love children and his brother is witha girl who he got preg through i 1 night stand. oh and regarding MW app il place bets on you having to contact him...i wouldnt bother.

pumagirl i didnt know what had hapened to me when i had Ds, had PND and although bonded with him other aspects of my life suffered and i lost all confidence, i was on the varsity cheer sqaud for my uni untill i was 7 months preg and after DS was born life changed dramatically, although looking back i was very nieve!
here i am again a lot better prepared with lots of suppoet and knowing where to go...wont be taking abby to the gym 3 days after birth this time! i am ahppy and looking forward the arrival of this LO, even though circumstances are shit! and alos that im still not working after graduating in July!
are any of your EX's going to support you even though they dont want to be with you? and do you mind me asking where yuo are all based?

Well I'm definitely going to be asking Santa for one of Maledetta's signs for Xmas.

Am also thinking that xmas next year (and the year after etc etc) will be a lot of fun with a DC

Itshappenedagain - really sorry to hear about PND and loss of confidence etc. Am hoping that it won't happen to me but you never know with the single situation and hormones and all that stuff. Determined to be watchful for symptoms though and will hopefully be quick off the mark to ask for help if necessary.

Sorry to hear that finding work after graduation is proving hard. Not the best economic climate. I'm pretty well established in my job so hopefully all will be ok when I go back after maternity leave.

Don't know if Ex will willing support his child. Think I may have to resort to the CSA or whatever they are called these days. To be honest we haven't talked money or anything at all really. Will have to get in contact after xmas to sort something out. Oh, and I live in the south btw.

Hope everyone's having a good week .....

hi again ladies!

sorry didnt want to make it sound awful having Lo alone...it wasnt, but i was just very unrealistic as to how i would feel regarding Lo and my appearance used to be where i got all my confidence from.Have learned since that it was there all along just had to suss it out! plus single parent life means that your Lo is brought up your way and yur say is final...although grandparents sometimes think that they know better!
I have a couple of friends who are due their 1st in july who i graduated with last year, they said that they thought it was the perfect time to have a baby as the job climate is not up to much.

maledetta- hope MW appointment went well.

I'm also pregnant and doing it alone. However slightly different situation as I used my gay best friend's sperm to get pregnant so no horrible ex involved.

Hi HelenRosie! Welcome!

Glad you have no horrible ex but sure you'll be going through most of the ups and downs that we all are.

When are you due?

Hello HelenRosie! How's the pregnancy going? Is your gay BF going to be involved with the baby? Sounds ideal in some ways....

Gosh, it's happened again..cheerleading till 7 months? You must be as fit as a butchers'dog! Hopefully once all those outspoken Brazilians find out what your ex did, they'll give him a really hard time....

My babyfather did call up re: the MW appt, so that's a brownie point to him (you'll notice I'm not calling him "twunt" today...).Funnily enough, my blood pressure was a bit high for the first appt. ever! Also had slightly proteiny wee, so I've had to be checked twice since then- my blood pressure is back to normal today, so my paranoia about pre-eclampsia and being forced to give birth in hospital has receded again (phew...).

The MW did have a go at him at looking after me, my boat being a bit cold for a baby etc.etc, but the effect was spoilt by him having asked me to move in with him 2 days previously, so apparently they had a good old moan about me being "too independent" and refusing help while I was out of the room weeing on a stick...Gah!

I don't really want to move in with him just like that! We have to get to know each other all over again, although I do concede that I will spend the first few days after the birth there, so the poor wee mite doesn't get hypothermia.

We did a fair bit of "getting to know each other again" last night TBH, and ended up in bed. Whoops. I blame the hormones. I wasn't sure it was still physically possible at 8 months and the size of a whale, but X can still fit into Y, albeit at a slightly strange angle! (TMI?)

I don't really feel like I want to leap straight back into a relationship though, even if he does- too much water has passed under the bridge, and I've got pretty used to the idea of being on my own....We'll see eh?!

Oh, BTW, I'm in Cornwall. Where it is as cold and nasty as if it were snowing, but is, in fact, drizzling. Gah.