Pregnant and doing it on our own

[maledetta]

Hello, this is just as the thread title says- for embryonic lone parents! There have been several of us bouncing around various threads for some time now- anybody else out there?

hello all!
maledetta- hope your cramps progressed! and that you/both are ok.

not much happened here...still a couple of weeks till i see baby daddy, although am going for a hair cut and ahve started to sleep more normally again and get back to beauty routine, so at leat i shouldnt look like crap when i see him next, am hoping to have the lovely pregnant glow you always read about that never seems to happen [pesimist emotion]

I wish I'd found this thread when I was pregnant!

My DS is 6 months old and me n his Dad split when I was 5 months (we'd been on and off for years but TBH he was a cock and we'd never been very steady and he never treated me well).
All through my pregnancy I'd been hoping that things would change and I thought that once he saw the baby he'd come running back to me but it didnt happen, in fact it couldn't have been further from what actually happened. When DS was about 5 weeks old I found out that he was shacked up with another girl and had been for months!

Things are kind of sorted now, my baby sees his Dad but only when I do the 50 mile round trip to take him, he never rings or texts to see how he is. He seems to love him but just never does anything to show it and certainly never goes out of his way for him.

Anyway, my life is great now, being a single mum with a baby isn't as difficult as I thought it would be, although at times it can be tough but my Mum comes to the rescue and takes him off my hands for a night so I can get a decent night's sleep and recharge my batteries and then it's all good again!

I've met a new guy who treats me like a princess and he's great with DS, so I've got the best of both worlds at the mo .

Regarding births...well I wanted my ex at the birth and let him know when I was in labour but he never showed. He didnt even respond to my texts when I told him that he'd been born until he was 3 days old. But anyway, I'm now glad that he wasn't at the birth now that I know what I do. What u have to remember about the birth is that you have to be relaxed for the labour to progress, if u r stressed ur labour could end up being longer and complications could arise. So I'd say if baby's dad being there is not gonna make u happy and relaxed then don't have him there. It's not his God given right to be there!
My Mum was my birth partner and she was fantastic, obviously she's done it herself so she could sympathise and new all the right things to say and do...my ex certainly wouldn't have and knowing him he prob would have freaked out and done a runner, leaving me on my own!

Anyway, I'm just sending u all lots of support. If I could give one piece of advice I'd say don't rely on baby's dad for anything, if he does what he should then it's a bonus!

Oh and enjoy your babies! I can guarantee as soon as u lay your eyes on your baby and u hold them in ur arms for the first time u wont give a crap about the Dad, none of that matters anymore! ....God of welling up here now lol xx

Hello...

Nope, nothing significant happening-again! Ah well, just means I can enjoy a little bit more sleep and rest time (grits teeth...).

Welcome hunny! Gosh, congratulations at finding a nice new man so soon eh- gives us all hope..!

Hi All,

Thanks for the post hunny - really good to hear a happy outcome - well done you!

Any news yet maledetta? Thinking of you.

Bet you have got that glow really it'shappened! We just can't see it for ourselves sometimes.

Hope everyone else is doing fine.

hello all!

maledatta- thinking of you!

im about to have a rant so skip whenever you feel bored!
Los dad called today...he is still in brazil, he has stated that he will only be buying the pram, to inform me once again that he want s no part in this babys life ever, he will call me next week to get my account numbetr and sort code off me to transfer money to pay for the pram, but apparently is sturuggling financially! dont know how he thinkis im managing to buy the rest of the stuff for the baby. he aslso stated that he doesnt want his name to be given to the CSA...fucking cheek!..and said that they wouldnt be able to trace him anyway as he is in another country...which i am now wondering about as they cant seem to find anyone in this country. so basically im fucked, i know im lucker than some, but we will wait to see if he calls. he has also told me he will still be coming over in feb, but that he feels that it will be making things more difficult between us, as he will always remember me heavily pregnant...in other words its better for his conscience if he doesnt see me as then he can conviently forget...but i told him if he doesnt see me then i will find him personally and castrate him.
ok rant over
but what do you think about the CSA, lets face it they are shit so would they even bother to find him in Brazil?

Hi everyone! just bumping!

Hi All,

Just bumping too!

7 weeks to go for me ....... and waiting to hear from Maledetta!

pumagirl the end is in sight!
i have 13 weeks to go! ma sound unusual but am hoping to go over by a few days as i ahve an exam around that time...hopefuly before my due date.

maledetta probably has forgotten all about everything and has her lovely baby now.

Hi everyone, and thanks itshappenedagain for pointing me in the direction of this thread.

Here is my story, as posted in pregnancy.

I am 12 weeks with my 2nd. The baby's father is a man i was with for only a couple of months when I found out I was pg. It was totally unplanned and unexpected.

The relationship between us was far from good at the best of times. It is now well and truely over. I have found out he was lying through his teeth about nearly everything, he had me spending money on him with promises to pay back always unfulfilled for one reason or another, he owes money to friends, family and other creditors all over the place. He was chatting up other women and going on dating sites whilst telling me he loved me and wanted to get married. We argued constantly and he would shout and swear in front of DD1. He continually accused me of cheating and did not believe the baby was his. I never cheated. The final straw for me was when i posted the scan pics on his facebook tagged as him so he could show friends and family and he removed them so he could continue chatting up other women.

I want to have this child and to have nothing more to do with him. I do not want him to have any contact with the child. I do not believe he is fit to be a father and I do not want his involvement, money or anything else. This is partially because I just do not like the man and want him out of my life completely, but also because I believe it will be in the baby's best interests.

He already has a child from a previous marriage, a girl of 5. He sees her around once a month. He told me he was giving her mother maintenence regularly. At first I believed him. Then the CSA got in contact with him and started taking a fortune. I believe he was paying little, if anything, sporadically at best. His finances are a mess, he has no idea what he has coming in or going out. The first tinme I met his daughter she was staying at his (disgusting) flat. She got up the next morning and he had nothing in for her breakfast, not even anything for her to drink. I asked him what she was going to do for breakfast and he mumbled something about taking her to macdonalds in a couple of hours. I went to the shop and bought her milk, juice, cereal, bread, butter and jam. When she sleeps over she shares his bed. The sheets have not been washed or changed in the entire time I have known him. He frequently has no toilet roll and I have seen clean sheets that I gave him in his bathroom, cut in to strips, and a pair of scissors. I can only assume he was using them as toilet paper. I do not think this is a suitable environment for a child to be in.

I have also seen him talking to his daughter about her mother, questioning her as to why her mother has not told him about school plays etc and very obviously making her feel uncomfortable. He speaks to her about her mother in a derogatory manner. I spoke to him about this and said at the time I did not think it was fair to grill the kid, if he had issues with her mother it should be her he spoke to. He told me to f* off and said he knew how to bring up his daughter. I think her mother has very little idea of the things that happen when she is not there.

I am worried at the moment because although he says he does not believe this baby is his that he will be taking me to court for custody when he/she is born. He says that I am unstable and not fit to be a mother. I have one beautiful, well cared for and well adjusted child, whom I love with all my heart and who gets all the love, care and attention she could ever possibly need. I do not believe for one minute he would ever win a custody battle. But I am worried he will insist on a DNA test and access rights after the birth, and I will not be able to prevent his involvement at all. I have no intention of naming him on the birth cert. Should I tell him I cheated and it's not his kid to get him off my back? Is there anything else I can do? Any advice, comments, suggestions welcome. If you think I am in the wrong not wanting him involved, I don't mind if you say so, but I think my reasons are valid and in the best interests of bringing up a happy and healthy, well adjusted child.

morning ladies! hope all are doing well. i had a fab sleep last night, but woke up this morning with a weird feeling like ive missed something, or something bad is about to happen. may just be panicking again.
waiting for Los father to contact me regarding coming to see me to give me some money so i can go order the pram.

ladyjadey welcome, hope more people answered your post!

other than that life goes on and will be glad when baby arrives so i can get on with things.

Hi ladies I have been looking at your thread for some time now and, was kind of hoping in the nicest possible way that I would not be joining you but it seems that I am now pregnant and doing it on my own too.

I am 20 weeks and found out I was pregnant with my 2nd 5 days after my Husband left. He left the decision with me as to what to do as 'Just so you know this changes nothing' - charming. Anyway we are in counselling but I am holding little or no hope of a reconciliation and have decided I need to face up to the realities that lie ahead. I too am very scared. It being my second is a comfort as it's not completely alien but the prospect of looking after 2 by myself is very daunting. I think this is a great thread so am very happy to join you on this!

Just a quick question.. Did any of your DP's, H's come to any of your scans ? He did not want to come to the first but is coming to my second tomorrow which I think will be a bit wierd. We struggle to talk 'normally' except with the counsellor as its all too raw and painful. I am praying taht we get seen quickly and won;t have to make conversation in the waiting room for 2 hours! I am not quite sure why I want him to come - he asked and I said yes. Maybe I am hoping it may give him a jolt and see sense. Anyway does anyone else have any experience of this ?

When I had my last scan he came, but we were together (ish) at the time. I definately don't want him there at the next, I think going alone will make the fact I'm doing this alone a bit more real.

It sounds like you are really hoping for a reconciliation feelingit, do you think that is possible? I know my relationship is well and truely beyond repair, and while I have come to terms with that part no problem, I think I still don't really believe I'm pregnant.

Anyhow, good luck and hope all goes well with the scan, let us know how it goes.

Ladyjadey: Your X will not be able to get custody against your wishes unless you are a seriously unfit mother. Even if you have or have had mental health issues in the past, that doesn't make you a bad mother, and if this man lives in squalor and doesn't take good care of his existing DD that's not going to count in his favour either.

However, while it's not a good idea to cut him out of your child's life completely (for the child's sake, no one else's) unless he is serioulsy dangerous to either of you, you can cut him pretty much out of your life by having any access to the child managed by a third party. If he's one of these men who demands access/contact not because he cares about the DC but simply in order to harass the mother, refusing to engage with him will often make him keep a reasonable distance (and if he becomes aggressive or harassing, you can take legal measures to put a stop to this.)
GOod luck.

Hi everyone,

I am a little bit schocked and huge bit relieved to find this thread. I am going through a tough time and worrying that I can't do this on my own, but it seems like it might be possible after all. Thanks for that.

I'm nearly 13 weeks and thought I was happily married until saturday. Husband just announced that he doesn't love me enough and he is leaving me for another woman. I am still in shock and can't quite believe it.

I asked him to stay and try to sort it out - and not see her for a while. He agreed and we started counselling, but tonight he announced that he couldn't bear it so he is going to see and call this other woman. BUT - he still wants to stay and work on our relationship. WHF??? He has no intention of making our marriage work so I think he is just trying to make sure I don't keep his child from him. Currently considering whether to kick him out of the house, or just deal with it because I need or will need his help????

I also had the 12 week scan on tuesday and I let him come. I wanted him there in the vain hope that he might actually realise that I am pregnant and get an idea of what he is doing to me. It was ok, a bit weird presenting ourselves to the doctor as a couple, but we are on speaking terms. Not yet sure what to do about future scans and the birth itself. He has some time to prove himself I suppose.

Most of you seem to be much further on, so I am sure I can make the most of your experiences.

Big hug to all of you - you've helped me already.

Solid- Im not overly worried that he will get custody, I think he doesn't want it and he is just trying to upset me. I know no court in the world would find me an unfit mother, I adore my daughter and she is growing up to be a beautiful, respectful, caring young lady, despite doing it mostly on my own. He says I have mental health problems because he mistook my anger at his behaviour, coupled with wild hormonal mood swings in the earliest weeks, as proof that I am mad. Not that I ever did anything unreasonable apart from shout at him, and once chuck a jug of cold water over him when he shouted at me to get the f* out of my own kitchen. I think even his threats to fight for access will probably not amount to much, it will require effort you see, and I'm not sure just how bothered he will be come august. plus, I have told him I do not want his money, or anything else, and when he twigs that if he has parental responsibility he will also be liable to CSA, he will prob think twice. I do not think he has a genuine interest in the child and his/her wellbeing, only in getting up my nose as much as possible. To that end, I am just going to avoid all contact unless absolutely necessary, and not be goaded into arguements. I will be the bigger person (to steal from previous messages)!

Feather, you must be due around same time as me. my due date is 21 aug. It sounds like you need to decide just what you are prepared to accept from your husband, I know its hard being on your own and pregnant, but maybe its worse to settle for behaviour like that from him? If he is genuinely prepared to make a go of things then he must not contact the other woman. To leave you in this position is unfair and will do nothing for your self esteem. If you can make things work and stay together for the sake of your child then that is wonderful, but don't allow him to use you and have his cake and eat it. Good luck!

Feather: I think you have to tell him firmly that as far as his relationship with you goes, if he wants to remain in a couple-relationship with you, it has to be an exclusive one, which means no contact with the OW. However, if he won't give up the OW then the two of you are no longer a couple but you can become amicable co-parents or at least co-parents on civil terms. This means he has to move out - he can't expect you to carry on feeding and picking up after him while he does what he likes - and he needs to treat you with courtesy and kindness. You can assure him that he will have reasonable access to his child when it is born (for the child's sake).
Counselling may help you sort this out amicably, but he doesn't get to have it all his own way ie carry on his affair while you carry on looking after him and just accept his behaviour.
LadyJadey: glad you seem to have a handle on your silly tosspot XP. FWIW I remember being very anxious that my DS' dad would try to get custody of DS when I was PG (he never tried or AFAIK even thought of it but we were not on great terms then and I had a huge surge of paranoia hormones in the last month...)

Hello everybody,

A very quick one....I have a baby!! He was born 11 days ago- 17 days overdue, and had to be coaxed out with the full array of drugs...but absolutely beautiful, and very well behaved so far.

Longer messages coming soon. Big hugs xxxxx

Congratulations maledetta!

Congratulations maldetta! That's great news - hope everything is good and well despite the need for coaxing.

ladeyjadey - thanks. Sounds like your x is really messing around. That must be awful, but in a strange way I'm jealous. If my husband could only be a bit more "&ç&, then it would be easier for me to take the plunge and get him out of my life. But I know he would make a great dad and I do love him despite everything. That's what makes it hard for me to draw the line. Also, if I force him to chose, I know in my heart that at the moment he would not chose me. I like your style - you seem to know exactly when you are being messed around and not accepting any of it. Good on you. And we are due about the same time - my date was 19th August, but got brought forward to 14th at the dating scan last week.

SolidGoldBrass - I know you are right, but he announced he was leaving me for her - and I asked him to stay a while to give us a chance to work out what went wrong with us and hopefully a chance to work it out. If I make him chose right now he will not chose me, but I still have a slight hope that if we can talk about what went wrong and he reaslises that we can fix it, then it could still work out. I also have to say that I am not looking after him, quite the opposite. Amazing what a bit of guilt can do for his housekeeping skills. I have no intention of throwing him out - if we can't live together, then I'm the one whose leaving and he can knock around and look after the house on his own until we can sell it - I want to be the one allowed the fresh start. I've asked him and he doesn't want me to leave, but he knows I will if he can't respect me. I know that sooner or later I will have to go, but it's hard, because that means giving up.

Hello everybody,and welcome to all the new posters- I'm glad this thread is continuing to be a help to all independent mothers-to-be-out there....

Good on you ladeyjadeyfor being so strong! You don't have to make a final decision on your child's contact with your ex for ever and ever right now- I think you're right not to let him do your head in at such a vulnerable time; you could always negotiate some kind of contact in the future if he proves to be more consistent and stable (and willing, of course...)

I'm really feeling for you feather2; your heart must be breaking.I agree with solidgold that a clean break would probably make you feel better. Are you sure you want to put yourself through the upheaval of moving out with a baby on the way? (although I can certainly understand the urge to just get far away and escape!)

My babyfather was good prior to and during the birth, I'll give him that. He put me up for a few weeks, which was kind of OK, kind of claustrophobic. The problem is that it's obvious he has no feelings for me; he wouldn't even give me a hug when I was crying, so having him do me favours felt pretty humiliating.

At such a vulnerable time you feel so much in need of love, especially as you're pouring it all out and giving and giving to this tiny person that you both share, that being in a permanent state of rejection is heartbreaking.I'm glad that I got away to my parents; I was crying over him daily when I got here- I was just so raw after the birth- but I'm getting a bit better now.

He tried to ingratiate himself with my parents, and told them he was coming up here to visit us, but blew it rather by not turning up (for which I was secretly relieved). It's very good to have a break from him, although sometimes I just wish he could be the person he promises he's going to be....

I want to keep as much distance from him as I can, and concentrate on my little son. Who is just beautiful. Oh dear, welling up again. I know people do warn you about this huge rush of love, but it's overwhelming....knowing that here, finally, is someone you will love far, far more than you love yourself (dissolves into hormonal
tears...)

Maledetta! Hearty congratulations! Is this your first? That love you feel for your baby is truely amazing isn't it?! You know what? It gets worse every bloody day! My DD is nearly 4 and my whole world revolves around her! Every day you see a bit more of that little personality emerging, god it's amazing! FYI, you can make a fabulous single parent. I suppose I have the ?advantage? lol of already being crapped on by DD's dad, for over a year we have been on our own and although we do not have a lot of cash etc she is the most generous, loving, good natured, intelligent and wonderful little girl and I am doing a bloody fabulous job of bringing her up on my own! She sees her dad roughly once a week, he is ok with her, but although it's hard work on your own (particularly if you're not feeling well) I know it's mostly my fault shes so bloody great!

Feather, 14th is my 30th bday! I want mine then too so I can have a drink and some blue cheese and pate to celebrate (maybe with a nice runny egg on top)!!
I hope all goes well for you, in my heart of hearts it does not sound promising for your relationship if you think you would lose if he had to choose right now. I know its heartbreaking to feel like you are losing the love of your life, particularly when you are having a baby together. I suppose I am lucky in that I am getting on with it because I don't care about the babys dad and have not shed a tear over him. However, I did and do still feel that way about DD1's dad. Shortly before all this happened, I asked him to come back to us. He chose his new girlfriend over me and my heart broke all over again. It's all very sad, I still love him, he still loves me, we are soulmates on a level that neither of us will ever be with anyone else and we have a beautiful daughter together. But alas, it is not meant to be, and I want to be the air that he breathes and never ever feel second best to anyone. I think in time he will regret all his behaviour and his decisions, but I need to put myself and the kids first, I feel I would be letting us all down if I did not set the example I would like them to follow. When they grow up and find partners I want them to have a strong sense of self worth and never settle for second best.

It does sound like your husband is prepared to try and work things through and make amends even if you don't feel you are number one right now. I think he sounds very confused and does not know what he wants. If you can live this way for now and give him time before things are too final maybe it can work. My heart goes out to you right now because you are in such a vunerable position. You really need to bear in mind though, the longer this goes on the more you will get hurt if things don't work out. A clean break might hurt like hell but what will be hardest to cope with in the long term? You have a lot of tough times ahead either way, but be strong, you will make it through and whatever happens you have a beautiful new little life to look forward to.

hi all!

Maledetta...congratulations! I remember being very hormonal after the birth of DS, i think you get an even bigger bond with them when its just you for the amjority...or im my case all of the time. maybe they will be the first generation of men who get it right...heres hoping!

well i came on here for a rant as i was feeling very sorry for myself, but after reading other posts, i think i have it better than i thought. to all those going through a seperation or divorce i think that you are coping increadably well, and dont think i would have been as conrtolled. this Lo's dad was a friend who i had known for years and am deeply hurt that he can throw all that away and i dont even have any other feeling towards him.

i agree with ladyjadey that you need to have self respect to do what is best for you as your children use you as an example and dont want to be paying for it in the future when they stay in a relationship, because thats what they think is right.

well i have about 11 weeks to go and have so much do get and do that it worries me. plus im getting much bigger and starting to feel it.

take care all.

oh forgot to ask is anyone else getiing/ had a surestart amternity grant? as i havent a clue as to where to send it/take it to.

itshappenedagain:
dont you get a form off midwife for that? I think they tell you where to send it?

and don't feel like you can't have a good moan. everyones circumstances are different here, tbh I thought i really had it bad but it certainly could be worse. I think we probably all feel like that to some degree. isn't the point of this place being somewhere that everyone can vent and be supportive of each other? so get it off your chest!

hello all! just thought id give you all a quick update. baby is getting bigger (yeah!), moving around fine. Los dad still wants nothing to do with her although is coming home a week on monday, he has called and says he will stay in touch until baby is born, alos that he doesnt wish anjything bab on baby, but isnt ready to be a father. doesnt make life any easier, but is also giving me the money for the pram.
Ds is all excited about the new baby, but im a little more apprehensive as i have lots of things still to buy and the list seems to be endless! my mum pointed out the eother day that i need more places to store the babies belongings which i had overlooked.

im worried about leaving Ds when i go into labour, im worried about baby coming befroe i do my exam or during my exam, im panicking that i wont cope, and everyone around me tells me that il be fantastic as i can juggle loads of things at once...ababy is very differnt to a degree. i want to scream at Los father but it wont help, and other than that im tired and am sick of being worried about money the whole time.
may family are all on holiday at the moment so im stuffed should anyhting ahppen!

im hoping that once i have seen him, bought the remainder of bits il feel a bit more sorted. alos i feel jealous of all those who are in loving couples when i have to attend all the scans...not that i would wish this situation on anyone...but once ababy is herer i'll forget all this and fall in love again!
sorry for the rant, just ahd to get it all out! how is everyone else?
not long for some now!