ok, so i'm single, and i thought i'd internet date and... i only attract perverts - please come and read my profile and tell me why

[civilfawlty]

as in the title really. been on my own with dd (5 1/2) since she was born. had one wonderful relationship which is now over. (but i'm ok about that.) and various flings which were really fun. and i'm open to either option now - i've just started a new job and i'm busy so, while if i met someone incredible, i'd find time... someone really fun would also be brilliant.

anyway - if this isnt too weird, i'm going to post my profile in the hope that a genius mn-er (or two) will tell me what i'm doing wrong.

btw - all my friends think it sounds just like me... and its on the guardian site.

PROFILE about me:
I'm sitting in my garden, in the evening sun, tucked under a blanket. I feel happy, and sleepy and pretty content dontchaknow. Things are good:

I have a job I absolutely love, a plethora of marvellous friends (even if they dont all get on as well as one might want. curious isnt it? you'd think if i like them... anyway. i digress) and a jolly nice flat (which I have accidentally painted various shades of grey. its less 'grey' than it sounds). Other charming things include a predilection for feeding people (I may infact be my nana reincarnated. apologies in advance for trying to make you happy with chicken soup. also, while i think of it, for 'curvaceous', read nigella, not j lo. just for clarity. anyway...), a passion for cinema (not chick flicks you'll be pleased to know) and art and architecture and the like. oh, and i do like a long walk.

i should also put in some caveats i think. I've got a terrible memory and cant remember people's names at cruelly crucial moments, I'm shy (even though I seem confident) and I have timekeeping 'issues'.

end on a good note, end on a good note... I have pink toes. boys like that, right?

about my ideal match:

right. blimey. potential match. er... hello.

I always fall for the bright boys, so that would be a winner. less of the caustic, difficult clever thing though, I think I'm over that now. gentle/witty/considerate clever works. the kind of clever that wins debates. and chess. and poker. (I'm assuming you inferred from my name that I quite like to play cards, yessiree.) ach, i dont know. be funny and sparkly and an amazing kisser. like being cooked for. think 'no country for old men' was a great film. ooh, i know: i do like a flat cap on a boy. hanker after getting out of the city, if not permanently, then at least for a bit. ask questions (be interested in your surroundings and other people). be bold and confident. be able to tell me to pack it in when I'm being obstinate. find my clumsiness endearing.

deal breakers include thinking 'million dollar baby' was a good film (this is not a metaphor); specifying the ethnicity of your ideal match and generally right wing views.

these essential truths aside, I have no fixed ideas about this. honest guv. although, ummm... ray la montagne would be just dandy. or stephen fry. or house. but thats it, really. or ricky gervais. ok. really. i'm stopping now. seriously.

and it would be absolutely dreamy if you had a beard and wrote brilliantly. she said, drumming her fingers on the keyboard. oh, and... hurry up.

DH had a quick look and said you sound like you'd be quite hard work, always trying to show how witty you are (what does he know though, eh?).

To me, it reads like a draft for a chick-lit novel.

DH and I met online 5 years ago by the way - my profile was nowhere near as floral as yours but seemed to do the trick

Have to say that I wouldn't go anywhere near a man whose profile said as little about him as your does about you.

OK - I've tried to take out all the bumbley stuff. To me, though, it just sounds a bit like someone else.

About me

A little bit about me:

I have a gang of brilliant friends, who are kind and supportive and make me laugh out loud. Usually at inopportune moments.
I absolutely love my (new, hard won and very exciting) job.
I have a lovely, light filled flat which is at its best filled with said friends for drinks and food (see below) 'til the wee hours.
I'm passionate about cooking and finding new ingredients and trying new recipes. But I'll not stop you taking me out for supper, and I'm equally happy with fish and chips in the park (preferably with a nice view), or a snazzy restaurant. (Also, while I think of it, for 'curvaceous', read Nigella, not J Lo. Just for clarity.)
I love cinema (never chick flicks), and art and architecture and going for long walks and playing poker. Lots.

About my ideal match

The following essential truths aside, I have no fixed ideas about this. So:

I always fall for the bright boys, so that would be a winner. I'm over the caustic, difficult thing now though, so 'gentle/ witty/ considerate' clever works for me. The kind of clever that wins debates and chess and poker.

It would also be great if you:
Are fun and look after your friends and are engaged with the world around you.
Like being cooked for.
Think 'Let the Right One In' was a truly great film.
Hanker after getting out of the city, if not permanently, then regularly.
Wear a flat cap.
Have a beard.

Oh, and... hurry up!

Wow, I think this is loads better. It keeps all the things that make the profile interesting and stand out from the rest, but takes out some of the more Emma-esqe moments.

I would still get rid of 'boys'/curvaceous/Nigella, but that is just me. You have to go with what you feel comfortable with.

I like it, but boys.... (sorry, bee in my bonnet obviously)!

But if you feel it's not you then revert to the one you feel is just be prepared to wade through a lot of crap replies before you strike gold

lol at hurry up at the end.

I rally have no idea - am having mine discected atm.

hadn't even noticed the boys thing. sorry!

re the curvaceous thing - I just feel it is quite accurate. all my friends call me nigella (or margot, but thats another story) and I have a similar body shape and, given that its a variable/an issue for lots of boys, I thought it would weed out people who thing curvy=J Lo or whatever.

A little bit about me:

I have a gang of brilliant friends, who are kind and supportive and make me laugh out loud. Usually at inopportune moments.
I absolutely love my (new, hard won and very exciting) job.
I have a lovely, light filled flat which is at its best filled with said friends for drinks and food (see below) 'til the wee hours.
I'm passionate about cooking and finding new ingredients and trying new recipes. But I'll not stop you taking me out for supper, and I'm equally happy with fish and chips in the park (preferably with a nice view), or a snazzy restaurant. (Also, while i think of it, for 'curvaceous', read nigella, not j lo. just for clarity.)
I love cinema (never chick flicks), and art and architecture and going for long walks and playing poker. Lots.

The following essential truths aside, I have no fixed ideas about this. So:

I always fall for the bright men, so that would be a winner. I'm over the caustic, difficult thing now though, so 'gentle/ witty/ considerate' clever works for me. The kind of clever that wins debates and chess and poker.

It would also be great if you:
Are funny and sparkly and engaged with the world around you.
Like being cooked for.
Think 'Let the Right One In' was a truly great film.
Hanker after getting out of the city, if not permanently, then regularly.
Wear a flat cap.
Have a beard.

Oh, and... hurry up!

men or guys? I like the nigella thing as well - she may cook,she may do so lasciviously (ooer) but she's very succesful - a good image!

I think that's great! Really!

It's a long, long way from the earlier version, so if you honestly feel like you've lost yourself entirely, there's space to move back to a more middle ground. Re-read it tomorrow and see what you think.

To me, it's a lovely, honest, open profile and if I were a clever, bearded, liberal, flat-cap-wearing free thinker I'd write straight away.

(Actually, you might want to put "optional" or something after beard and flat cap unless they're total deal breakers, boys men are SO literal...).

Much better but I suppose it has lost a little of you at the same time! Can't win can you?!

I think Nigella and being fed just makes men think of sex actually. It's the oral associations.

I had 'likes cakes but not resultantly fat' on my profile. Not sure that was a brilliant line either.

thank you folks. I guess the thing is that, well... I do write like that normally, so they'll get the ... chaos eventually!

righty-ho - I'm blimmin knackered and off to bed. thanks again for all the input. i'm touched, and only mildly insulted

CF

I think the blanket in garden thing is very sensual and invokes a feeling. I would cut that out. Agree on the feeding people and pink toe bit. You do write in a jokey way, baring your personality which I guess is why Flight said what she said. You do seem lovely and I would if I were a guy :-)

She's right, you know. "Let the Right One In" is a great film.

FlatCappedBeardy

LOL

I've skimread most of this thread.

I've done the Internet dating and know a few friends who also do. One of my mates is probably what you class as a "perv". I was also a bit of a "player" until recently so I'd like to think that i am able to give you some insight into the male mind.

The brutal truth is that a lot of men on the dating sites are players. What we do is play the numbers game.

So we would whack out a load of messages. I spent a little time to personalise a few if I had time, otherwise just cut & paste. I used to send them to 20-30 "matches" at a time, my friend would easily do over 100.

So in answer to your question as to why only pervs seem to be messaging you, its just a numbers game. They probably haven't even read your profile and if you are lucky, they've had a quick look at your photo!

If they message 1000 women, get 5 replies and out of that 1 is up for a no strings shag then GREAT!

Personally I've read your profile and it was already great. Most men will look at your pic, some will skim read your profile and we will message you based on your looks. We really are that shallow!

Yuck, Niceguy

Just goes to show what's going on on these sites.

I waited a year before answering my two, they had to be pretty persistent. So I hope that rules out the players as you term them.

Can't believe I just read that tbh.

LOL Poetry. Its no better/worse than meeting people in a club on a Saturday night. You will get your drunken slimeballs trying it on who probably have a GF/wife at home already. Bet you've all had an experience like that. All Internet dating does is accelerate the process.

But if you think us men are bad, let me tell you that women are hardly blameless.

I started off Internet dating as a nice guy (hence the name). Over the last year I've become "battle hardened" if you will. I've come to realise that there are a lot of women on the sites who:

a) Simply are not ready
b) Timewasters (ie. no intention of meeting anyone in RL and just want to "chat")
c) Think WAY too much of themselves.

Of the women who I do manage to get a reply off, I would say there's a 20% chance of a real world date. Some will flake cos of a), logistics scupper a few and some just disappear into thin air.

Then of course once you meet then you have to click/get on etc. Of course you can meet someone and think you get on great but they feel otherwise...you only have to read threads here to understand that!

So the odds are against us. Generally in this country convention dictates that its up to the man to make contact but the woman to "choose". The key thing is that some of "you women" (no offence) think that its ok to be tapping away at the keyboard saying "Oooh, i'm not sure about either of these two blokes....shall I or shan't I?", giving them nicknames and generally faffing around. but then are somehow shocked and disgusted to find that we're actually dating 3-4 women at the same time. All we're guilty of doing is spreading our bets.

Do some of these men then go on to sleep with as many women as we can? Of course...but thats not the fault of Internet dating. Thats happened since the dawn of time.

A female friend of mine who met her bloke in the traditional way, thought he was in Afghanistan on a special forces mission when in reality he is actually a lorry driver and engaged to another woman. Go figure!

In short, Internet dating is just as shark infested as real life, its just a bigger pool. Take the necessary precautions, have fun and enjoy the ride.

Yep Niceguy, you are exactly right.

"Take the necessary precautions, have fun and enjoy the ride".

Says it all really!

civil, my profile is not where near as beautifully written as yours am thinking of going for a re write!

I hope you find what you are looking for, but most of all enjoy it

Niceguy, I'd take exception to your point that women who just want to chat are 'timewasters'
I think that's a little unfair
Perhaps they are interested in finding true love, but start off by chatting and don't then wish to take things further. Are you saying that's a bad thing?

Also, 'The key thing is that some of "you women" (no offence) think that its ok to be tapping away at the keyboard saying "Oooh, i'm not sure about either of these two blokes....shall I or shan't I?", giving them nicknames and generally faffing around. but then are somehow shocked and disgusted to find that we're actually dating 3-4 women at the same time'

Dating 3 or 4 women at the same time is not really comparable to chatting to several males, or considering whether to go out with them.

What I mean is that the attitude that I am 'wasting your time' if I want to get to know you by having a chat, and then decide on the basis of that chat that I dont want to sleep with/ date you, is really worrying.

Hi IF

Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that all women are timewasters by wanting to chat. Its absolutely necessary. But my argument is that on a DATING site you are there to DATE. Not to spend weeks/months tapping away in the cyberworld. Some will even admit they are not there to meet someone. I don't mind so much if they state that up front. Then I can choose not to message them.

Another way of looking at it is like this. Women like a sociable guy, who is a good conversationalist and has good self confidence.

If you picture that guy in your mind, is he going to be sat there for weeks/months endlessly sending messages with a view to one day you deciding he's worthy of a meet? OR is he likely to be out there actually socialising, entertaining and having fun?

My point is simply not to look too deeply into your profile. Us men don't care too much about that. We don't think too deeply over the words and prefer to date in the real world.

If you don't believe me, try changing your POF profile to a couple of short sentences rather than a long and eloquant profile. I bet you get just as many messages.

Thanks for clarifying, Niceguy, and I take your point about some men not bothering to read the profiles very carefully.

I don't however think you can generalise about what 'women want'.

Also I would rather spend time emailing someone than out with them, before deciding whether I wish to take things further or not.

Emailing has the advantage of relative anonymity, doesn't require a babysitter (which in my life is a rare commodity!) and doesn't give the other person the idea that I am already 'dating' them.

I don't really have time for going out as it is...even emailing is hard work when you have two small children.

How quickly would you expect a woman to agree to meet you? Out of interest, that is.

I've had a few men message me saying 'here's my number, want to meet this weekend?' No thanks, you are a stranger, and it could be a complete waste of my time!!

(Btw I don't have a POF profile, POF is one site that makes me feel nauseous..)

I suppose we have very different approaches...you might be there to date, but I am there to chat or look or browse UNLESS I find someone is worthy of dedicating an evening to.

Then, and only then, am I prepared to date them.

Maybe it is a matter of semantics more than anything.

I am there to chat or look or browse UNLESS I find someone is worthy of dedicating an evening to.

That's really interesting to read...thanks for explaining how you see it.

I see things very, very differently, but I'm not sure you'd want me to go into my reasons as you sound utterly convinced that your way is the best one.

Confidence is good, so go for it - however if a man doesn't understand my natural caution (and I do give my email address, in fact have done so twice within a few days of being contacted, purely to facilitate conversation) then that man is not for me.

I don't expect to be 100% sure, of course not. But I disagree about getting to know a person on the internet. I have several friends I've got to know very well online.

Plus I have in my youth, had WAY too many 'dates' with utterly boring men whom I've not taken the time to suss out slightly before meeting them for a drink or whatever. That's much harder to excuse oneself from should you bore the pants off one another!

I think I'll stick to my plan thanks..