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ok, so i'm single, and i thought i'd internet date and... i only attract perverts - please come and read my profile and tell me why

116 replies

civilfawlty · 12/05/2009 21:14

as in the title really. been on my own with dd (5 1/2) since she was born. had one wonderful relationship which is now over. (but i'm ok about that.) and various flings which were really fun. and i'm open to either option now - i've just started a new job and i'm busy so, while if i met someone incredible, i'd find time... someone really fun would also be brilliant.

anyway - if this isnt too weird, i'm going to post my profile in the hope that a genius mn-er (or two) will tell me what i'm doing wrong.

btw - all my friends think it sounds just like me... and its on the guardian site.

PROFILE about me:
I'm sitting in my garden, in the evening sun, tucked under a blanket. I feel happy, and sleepy and pretty content dontchaknow. Things are good:

I have a job I absolutely love, a plethora of marvellous friends (even if they dont all get on as well as one might want. curious isnt it? you'd think if i like them... anyway. i digress) and a jolly nice flat (which I have accidentally painted various shades of grey. its less 'grey' than it sounds). Other charming things include a predilection for feeding people (I may infact be my nana reincarnated. apologies in advance for trying to make you happy with chicken soup. also, while i think of it, for 'curvaceous', read nigella, not j lo. just for clarity. anyway...), a passion for cinema (not chick flicks you'll be pleased to know) and art and architecture and the like. oh, and i do like a long walk.

i should also put in some caveats i think. I've got a terrible memory and cant remember people's names at cruelly crucial moments, I'm shy (even though I seem confident) and I have timekeeping 'issues'.

end on a good note, end on a good note... I have pink toes. boys like that, right?

about my ideal match:

right. blimey. potential match. er... hello.

I always fall for the bright boys, so that would be a winner. less of the caustic, difficult clever thing though, I think I'm over that now. gentle/witty/considerate clever works. the kind of clever that wins debates. and chess. and poker. (I'm assuming you inferred from my name that I quite like to play cards, yessiree.) ach, i dont know. be funny and sparkly and an amazing kisser. like being cooked for. think 'no country for old men' was a great film. ooh, i know: i do like a flat cap on a boy. hanker after getting out of the city, if not permanently, then at least for a bit. ask questions (be interested in your surroundings and other people). be bold and confident. be able to tell me to pack it in when I'm being obstinate. find my clumsiness endearing.

deal breakers include thinking 'million dollar baby' was a good film (this is not a metaphor); specifying the ethnicity of your ideal match and generally right wing views.

these essential truths aside, I have no fixed ideas about this. honest guv. although, ummm... ray la montagne would be just dandy. or stephen fry. or house. but thats it, really. or ricky gervais. ok. really. i'm stopping now. seriously.

and it would be absolutely dreamy if you had a beard and wrote brilliantly. she said, drumming her fingers on the keyboard. oh, and... hurry up.

OP posts:
NotPlayingAnyMore · 13/05/2009 11:46

And yes: if you want someone "bright" and "clever", you're going to have to brush up on your grammar/punctuation/spelling/ yourself

alicecrail · 13/05/2009 11:51

I think it is the beard bit. Wrong uns always seem to have beards of some sort

tattifer · 13/05/2009 11:52

You sound a bit miss jean brodie in a giggly english way and you keep referring to them as boys...

hobbgoblin · 13/05/2009 11:56

Sounds similar to profiles I've written.

The problem? Too smart.

If you are too smart men will be clamouring to 'conquer' you and make you submit to them by fucking you.

tattifer · 13/05/2009 11:58

It sounds dizzy and pink toed - and you keep calling them boys........

EffieGadsby · 13/05/2009 12:15

steamedtreaclesponge your point about the grammar was what really struck me too. I've not internet dated myself, but when I was single and looked at online profiles just to see what was out there, I would have been really put off my bad grammar. Sorry, civilfawlty, as you sound charming, but if you want to attract a nice, bright man, you need to go through your profile and give it a proper proof read.

Also, 'plethora'. Maybe it's just me, but it's one of those words that's a bit first year undergraduate IYSWIM.

Perhaps Telegraph dating might be better for you, if you hold right wing views. I would imagine that Guardian reading men might find the idea of a right-winger a little off-putting. Target your market!

tattifer · 13/05/2009 12:27

The grammar is not an issue unless you want to attract a professor of english and over eighty years old - writing as if you are speaking is fine for internet dating. It doesn't come across as so er, stuffy.

InternationalFlight · 13/05/2009 12:27

Gosh it's very witty but I feel it would appeal more to other women, in a 'oh she's lovely, just like me' kind of way...not to blokes, because it's so humourous it looks like you have no self esteem.

Almost as though you are covering your real self with funny bits to make them laugh - it gives NO idea of the real you.

Do you get what I mean? if I was a bloke looking, I would bypass it very quickly because you are trying so very hard to please and to make them laugh. It tells me nothing.

It sounds like everything would be a joke to you - sorry, in the nicest possible way, and it is brilliantly written but it's a book rather than a description of a real live woman that someone can actually fall in love with.

Be brave and a bit more serious.

I have a profile on there also...it's nothing as complex or lyrical as yours, however I've managed to attract some really genuinely nice fellows since joining up, who seem to understand me - because I've told them what I really think, iyswim.

You need to take yourself seriously and then they might too - it's scary to reveal the real you but give it a whirl

hobbgoblin · 13/05/2009 12:29

Very nodding head at InternationalFlight!

Colinfirth · 13/05/2009 12:29

Effie, she hasn't got right-wing views! She is saying right wing views would be a deal-breaker!

SamJamsmum · 13/05/2009 12:30

I think you sound lovely.
I would also agree on the pink toes and feeding people as potential issues.
TBH I think there is a teeny possibility some of the phrasing is a bit 'Emma Thompson at the Oscars' and trying a bit too hard (e.g. plethora and the ummms) but if that is who you are then the right person will love you for it.

Overmydeadbody · 13/05/2009 12:31

Effie she doesn't have right wing views, someone with right wing views would be a deal breaker for her lol.

I was going to write pretty much what NotPlayingAnyMore wrote, but she beat me to it!!

You just have to ignore all the perverts, and someone normal may come along.

InternationalFlight · 13/05/2009 12:31

That sounded really harsh, I'm sorry - just was trying to write without stopping as I couldn't get across what I meant.

In other words you'd write a great Bridget Jones type novel but it doesn't sound like you are serious about someone to love, it's like you want to put them off before they even try, because you don't take yourself seriously you probably won't take them seriously either.

Relax a bit and just be honest.

Colinfirth · 13/05/2009 12:32

Agree with InternationalFlight. It's a bit Meg-Ryan-chickflick - I'm-really-Bridget Jones-like-no-actual-person-in-real-life...

InternationalFlight · 13/05/2009 12:32
tattifer · 13/05/2009 12:32

Int Flight - you have it spot on.

InternationalFlight · 13/05/2009 12:33

But Colin you're supposed to LIKE ole Bridge.

Colinfirth · 13/05/2009 12:34

Oh, feck, forgot who I was for a moment (multiple posting personality disorder)

EffieGadsby · 13/05/2009 12:35

Oh god, I'm so sorry! Very ashamed not to have read it properly ; I made the same mistake that Mumofagun made. However...if the two of us made that error, maybe prospective man-dates would too?
I stand by the grammar etc, however. Not putting an apostrophe in "cant" would really matter to me (but then, I am a 93 year old English professor).

tattifer · 13/05/2009 12:36

Just proves my point young Effie!

Colinfirth · 13/05/2009 12:38

The lack of punctuation seems deliberately ditsy given the obvious intelligence of the poster. Which would put me off. Sorry if this all seems too harsh. We are probably being 10000 x more analytical than the pervs who have responded to your ad...

EffieGadsby · 13/05/2009 12:39

...or at least I will be in 63 years time, and when I've drastically changed career.

tattifer · 13/05/2009 12:41

Friend and fellow (offline) MNetter has just asked very adroit question - how do you know they're pervs?

Colinfirth · 13/05/2009 12:42

Weren't they all suggesting esoteric sexual practices in first email? am sure I read that.

Lemontart · 13/05/2009 12:44

Somebody above posted that you sound most likely to appeal to women (sorry, in a hurry and just can?t find the post and name). I totally agree with that! Not as in attracting lesbians, as in that other women would find your advert witty, amusing, fun, slightly off the wall in a nice, cozy way. Not sure how a man might see all of that and wonder if it is a big Bridget Jones "I?m trying ever so hard to not try hard at all" type approach.
You sound really, really, lovely and the sort of person I would love to have as a mate. However, and I am cringing at this, you come across as someone who just cannot risk being serious about themselves at all - all a bit of a "look how fun and different I am" type of act. Ouch. I have said it. Sorry

Just wonder if you kept your personality in but were a bit more straightforward in the way you express yourself, you might come across as calmer and well, more down to earth and normal (in the non threatening, nice way not boring normal).

Judging from my garbled fast post, good job you didn?t employ me to write your advert or God knows what type of random, long winded and freakish nutters I would attract