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ok, so i'm single, and i thought i'd internet date and... i only attract perverts - please come and read my profile and tell me why

116 replies

civilfawlty · 12/05/2009 21:14

as in the title really. been on my own with dd (5 1/2) since she was born. had one wonderful relationship which is now over. (but i'm ok about that.) and various flings which were really fun. and i'm open to either option now - i've just started a new job and i'm busy so, while if i met someone incredible, i'd find time... someone really fun would also be brilliant.

anyway - if this isnt too weird, i'm going to post my profile in the hope that a genius mn-er (or two) will tell me what i'm doing wrong.

btw - all my friends think it sounds just like me... and its on the guardian site.

PROFILE about me:
I'm sitting in my garden, in the evening sun, tucked under a blanket. I feel happy, and sleepy and pretty content dontchaknow. Things are good:

I have a job I absolutely love, a plethora of marvellous friends (even if they dont all get on as well as one might want. curious isnt it? you'd think if i like them... anyway. i digress) and a jolly nice flat (which I have accidentally painted various shades of grey. its less 'grey' than it sounds). Other charming things include a predilection for feeding people (I may infact be my nana reincarnated. apologies in advance for trying to make you happy with chicken soup. also, while i think of it, for 'curvaceous', read nigella, not j lo. just for clarity. anyway...), a passion for cinema (not chick flicks you'll be pleased to know) and art and architecture and the like. oh, and i do like a long walk.

i should also put in some caveats i think. I've got a terrible memory and cant remember people's names at cruelly crucial moments, I'm shy (even though I seem confident) and I have timekeeping 'issues'.

end on a good note, end on a good note... I have pink toes. boys like that, right?

about my ideal match:

right. blimey. potential match. er... hello.

I always fall for the bright boys, so that would be a winner. less of the caustic, difficult clever thing though, I think I'm over that now. gentle/witty/considerate clever works. the kind of clever that wins debates. and chess. and poker. (I'm assuming you inferred from my name that I quite like to play cards, yessiree.) ach, i dont know. be funny and sparkly and an amazing kisser. like being cooked for. think 'no country for old men' was a great film. ooh, i know: i do like a flat cap on a boy. hanker after getting out of the city, if not permanently, then at least for a bit. ask questions (be interested in your surroundings and other people). be bold and confident. be able to tell me to pack it in when I'm being obstinate. find my clumsiness endearing.

deal breakers include thinking 'million dollar baby' was a good film (this is not a metaphor); specifying the ethnicity of your ideal match and generally right wing views.

these essential truths aside, I have no fixed ideas about this. honest guv. although, ummm... ray la montagne would be just dandy. or stephen fry. or house. but thats it, really. or ricky gervais. ok. really. i'm stopping now. seriously.

and it would be absolutely dreamy if you had a beard and wrote brilliantly. she said, drumming her fingers on the keyboard. oh, and... hurry up.

OP posts:
tattifer · 13/05/2009 12:47

esoteric, not old fashioned bestial then?

BelfastBloke · 13/05/2009 13:01

Well, I'm a beardy guardian reader and I loved your profile.

I also tick most of your requirements. Sorry that I'm married and intend to remain faithful. But my point is there are some of us out there.

I had to study the 'deal-breaker' line quite hard to work out our compatibility over Million Dollar Baby. I think many people have a confused understanding of the term, as others have reflected earlier.

I might have preferred normal punctuation, but I could see what you were doing and didn't have any real problems with it. Others might!

DuffyFluckling · 13/05/2009 13:56

Is it because you don't use capital letters, and more specifically refer to yourself as 'i' not 'I'? That's what sexually submissive people on the lookout for sex on the internet do. And then they refer to the person who is dominant to them as "You" or "He / She" with capitals.

dustbuster · 13/05/2009 14:08

Some great points here. When I get the nerve up to write a profile I'll be sure to post it here!

I wondered whether the voluptuous/Nigella reference might be attracting the pervs.

Also, what is your picture like?

Good luck!

mrsruffallo · 13/05/2009 14:15

I think you sound a bit kinky..maybe that's it?

aseriouslyblondemoment · 13/05/2009 14:20

ooh DF must look out for that in the future

mrsruffallo · 13/05/2009 14:20

Stuff like I am sitting here all alone, naked in the garden, under a blanket kind of thing.

I agree that you should be a bit more serious

But you do sound like a fab friend!

DuffyFluckling · 13/05/2009 14:34

Lol Mrs R - nail on head.

DuffyFluckling · 13/05/2009 14:41

That wasn't lol @ OP btw.

Just was tickled by Mrs R's phrasing.

InternationalFlight · 13/05/2009 16:00

Duffy HOW do you know that about the submissive/dominant thing?

oldspotraver · 13/05/2009 17:30

Well I think you should share some of the replies so we can see if they are 'pervy'

nappyaddict · 13/05/2009 17:35

definitely try POF

used2bthin · 13/05/2009 18:01

Nappyaddict have you tried POF? I am wondering whether to try it. I was confusing it with girls date for free which my friend is on and seems to be full of very strange men so hadn't considered it. Mind you that would mean I had profiles on four dating sites would that be bad?

nappyaddict · 13/05/2009 18:10

I have tried it but never really had any intention of taking it seriously. Got chatting to some lovely people but I wasn't up for any actual meetings.

civilfawlty · 13/05/2009 20:52

Oh my goodness. Back from work and find a major lit crit on my profile. I'm touched, and pleased and cringing slightly...

so:

  1. thank you.
  1. i take your point re grammar. i'm horribly dyslexic, so gave up on stressing about it ages ago and all the... is, i guess, how i talk. but - its fair that it might be terribly off putting to the reader.
  1. emma thompson at the oscars. mmm... it just is how i speak. but, again, i guess removing 'plethora' and so on may be for the best.
  1. ditto re the 'deal breakers'.
  1. risking being serious etc. maybe those, for me, is the most significant comment. and maybe thats why its so easy for me to find boys. sorry. men... men to mess about with, but not to have real relationships with. blimey.

thanks again folks.

OP posts:
civilfawlty · 13/05/2009 20:58

ps - if i write a new one, please may i have some feedback?

OP posts:
InternationalFlight · 13/05/2009 20:59

I never noticed your grammar fwiw...and I am a major pedant

InternationalFlight · 13/05/2009 21:00

I never noticed your grammar fwiw...and I am a major pedant

InternationalFlight · 13/05/2009 21:02

I never noticed your grammar fwiw...and I am a major pedant

ChasingSquirrels · 13/05/2009 21:10

right - anyone want to do mine

GColdtimer · 13/05/2009 21:27

I think you sound lovely (and just like one of my friends who is also struggling with internet dating) but i do think its the pink toes comment that might be attracting the pervs

tattifer · 13/05/2009 21:33

40s, quiet, some money, english, likes good films, wanting to be looked after, needy...

DH just read the profile... that was his intepretation - sorry

civilfawlty · 13/05/2009 21:35

no - its fine. happy to hear the brutal truth...

(sob)

OP posts:
dittany · 13/05/2009 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

boudoiricca · 13/05/2009 21:48

Hmmm... This is hard. But you asked, so to me it's... a bit much.

Am sure it's your honest, personal view of you and you're just entirely putting yourself out there...

But the purpose of this is (I assume ) to attract men (or possibly boys, but you're probably better off with the more mature variety - such as they are ).

So I think you need to re-write it with your audience in mind... This clever, bearded, liberal, flat-cap-wearing free thinker.

Less of the ooohs and ummmms, because he would never think or write in such a giddy, breathless manner (err... and which thinking about it might also be a pervert-incentive). Less of the dashing off on girly ramblings.

A bit more openness and honesty, more heartfelt... Sorry You do seem to be rather hiding behind all the drama. (In my experience, men aren't that big on drama)...