lets laugh, who gets maintenance and how much?

[onlywantsone]

I'm laughing, really I am - my XP doesnt see my DD due to various issues but givesme a voluntary contribution towards her upbringing out of the "kindness" of his heart of

drum roll please

£5 a week

TA DA!!!!!

[glitterfairy]

When I said fourth time this year I meant since Jan last year! Sorry!

[PersephoneSnape]

glitterfairy that must be very dificult for you and you have my sympathy - my ex has never hit our DCs, but he does have a history of violence towards his gf and I don't want my children in that environment. He can see the children in my house (which i don't like either tbh, but i suck it down) or at his house when his gf is at work, presuming it's sanitary enough (I have to check.)he's very roller coaster with his alcoholism and sometimes it's difficult to guage where he is.

[glitterfairy]

Thanks persephone. I think it is always a tightrope where these circumstances are concerned but I think I have some basic principles which are keep them safe without interfering in their choices as much as possible. I want them to think they are in control over what relationships they do or do not have with their parents.

It has taken a long time for me to even slightly relax over dd and going round there especially when she has once or twice come back half way through and once after she was attacked by him during a "play fight". She has been on a social work course called kidscape where two sws came to her school once a week for about 10 weeks and talked to her about keeping safe.

[winnie09]

Hi glitterfairy, I am so glad to see your name still here and I think you are doing fab letting your children call the shots when it is such a difficult situation. You always were incredibly grounded in the most difficult of circumstances. But having read your post and the first few posts I realise the convo has changed so I'd better go back and read the lot

[drlove8]

re: does the csa work for anybody? . yes it does. it was clearly designed by the goverment to claw back some of the money that is paid out in income support. i was forced to claim via the csa whilst during my short time on income support( just split from exh ). there is no choice about it. the claim was put through and delt with very quickly (judging by the stories posted)the majority of which went strait to the goverment and i recieved £20 a month "extra" on top of my income support, now i recieve the whole amount paid BY exh because im employed now, and the difference -excluding arrears is more than the amount of IS i recieved for my children strange eh?... not . very few people i know who are employed recieve maintenence via the csa, those who do, like myself started off on bnefits. and the council takes it off any housing benefit you recieve too, so you dont end up better off unless you earn enough to cover full rent and council tax! so you end up with more- on paper only! ive kept the maintenence on principle the exh doesnt help with the child care ,so he's gonna help the only way he can be forced too.still think im one of the lucky ones with the payment,

[glitterfairy]

Thanks Winnie and glad you are still around and doing well.

[Boysboysboys]

drlove8, if I remeber correctly, that was EXACTLY why it was set up. To claw back money for the DSS.
My parents went through an awful divorce when I was 9, which eventually resulted in me having no contact with my father for 20 years. He never paid for us (this was pre-CSA in the 80's) and I resented him for it (amongst other things). We were dragged in to the divorce and really affected by it.
Anyway, my mum once went to court for maintainance (in the 80's again) and the (female) magistrate told my dad he shouldn't have to pay as he already had financial responsibilities..... she was refering to the porche he had bought on HP post divorce!

[nappyaddict]

£5 a week here too.

[ivegotahousefull]

can i join in, my ex husband pays £41 a week for three children, was four at one point but one is now over 18.

he is on csa2 which means his new wifes income is not included for his children. so she works full time and he apparently only works part time. Resulting in them having lots of money and his children going without. She has one child to support, the others are in their twenties.

This now gets complicated, because my new husband, well, not so new now, is on csa1, so my wages are included in the csa, for his child from a previous relationship, which we pay £124 a week for.

When my children see their dad, which is twice a year, his choice by the way, and they ask him for money, his answer is ask your mum i pay her lots of money a week for you so she should give you money for x y and z.

When my husbands daughter comes , we get told, my mum pays for everything i get so you should give me x y and z as an extra.

I do think the csa system is grossly unfair, as i get very sporadic payments, and they do not take the whole picture into account. I would love to see my ex support three children on the amount of money he gives, as it does not even cover their dinner monies.

Sorry for the long post, and thats the tip of the iceberg. Is nice to see im not alone though

[serajen]

Pretty much zilch for me, too. Although daughter is grown up now, I pursued the CSA route as her dad had given me no money since we split up when she was aged 2, CSA awarded me princely sum of £20 a month, he is a black cab driver in London, self-employed, declared he earned £60 a week, he wouldn't even get out of bed for that and they decided he should only pay £20 from his remaining disposable income. I've borrowed, remortgaged and begged over the years to wherever I can, just to keep daughter and I going, have always worked full-time and now up to my neck in debt while he has just purchased an apartment in foreign climes, cash. When I challenged CSA on his apparent earnings, they said as he's self-employed they have no way of verifying so have to believe his £60 a week plea. But hey, if I were ever to bring this up, he's such an unreasonable wrong and strong person that it would be me who'd end up having a coronary from the stress of it all. So you soldier on, knowing you've done right by your child and your conscience is clear.

[OnlyWantsOne]

I'm really glad I started this - and I am very shocked at some of these posts.

It's a sad sad world where men can trapse in and out of our DC's lives and pay a grand sum of F all towards their lives.

Makes me very happy that twunting XP is off doing his own thing being a drip and a leech on the economy and no where near DD or me. Arse

[AnitaBlake]

I think the saddest thing is that money has to be paid at all, my OH would do anything to be able to wake up on a morning and know his daughter was sleeping in the next room, or even know when he will see her next.

We have no choice but to spend money we would like to spend on her on court fees instead to force her mother to allow him access.I know they aren't connected but in some cases maybe they should. She prevents the relationship from developing as she knows at some point overnights will be introduced and she will have less money to spend in the pub!

[PurpleOne]

serajen - my ex is london black cabby too and i am amazed how he can blatantly lie and crawl his way out of this.
he's on holiday again this weekend 3rd time abroad in 7 months.

if he paid me the right and just amount, i wouldn't have to depend on IS would I?

[cluelessnchaos]

Princely sum of 0 in the last eleven years, I would pay quite a lot to keep the scum bag away from me and dd1.

[serajen]

hey purpleone, so much in common, I know how you feel and it's so demoralising when their standard of living is off the scale compared to ours, there have been times when I couldn't eat but always made sure daughter had food, £20 a month (as CSA awarded me) covered nothing, it was an insult, now he only works 3 days a week, brings in 000s, only needs to work 3 days, my mortgage, originally taken out 17 years ago was £50k, now at £165k as I've re-mortgaged over and over just to keep going, somehow I think if he'd paid me a decent amount it would have added up to £100k, am seriously close to re-possession, but as long as he has his holiday home and several 000s in the bank, that's ok. Why, o why, did I let him do this? My daughter is beautiful, wonderful and everything to me, but wish I'd chosen a responsible partner

[longagegap]

I got awarded £41 a week for my son in feb and he also had to pay money to me as he owed me £350 for time the CSA sent papers to him and guess what ... still havent seen a penny of it ... He did pay £111 of money he owed but the CSA made a mess up and put it in wrong place and have told me it will take 21 working days to clear ... thinking of ringing them and closing it down cos its not working out way it should be and i've coped so far on my own with out his money ... He is a total waste of space and i'd rather have nothing from him ... With my daughter i never got any money from her dad so i know i can cope , CSA is a load of shit and cant do anything right

[ilovesprouts]

the csa are a joke

[speedynamechange]

I'm going to join in with the big fat £0s
Ex used to pay us £200 a month, and all was good. Then he agreed to help us out with housing (were in tiny flat) He bought a house here and I rented it from him. He decided then, that on top of the V V high rent he was charging me he would keep the maintenance aswell. I inevitably fell behind with the rent having much less money than I expected to. And he unceremoniously kicked us out of our home. Yep he evicted us, and demanded that I pay him the arrears, which I took out a loan and did, to keep the peace.
As it stands I now haven't had a penny from him in over two years, and have ended up back in a tiny flat because I needed to find somewhere new fast (I couldn't bear staying there after he'd decided to kick us out )
I don't even have the option of the CSA as ex doesn't live in the UK.
Although having just swanned off to the US for a week and last year buying his 5th house (he rents out) I'm getting V angry and keep meaning to look into the possibility of going to court for maintenance. the idea of it exhausts me though and I keep putting it off
(namechanged cos he will recognise himself here and he is a bastard for finding me on here!)

[singledadofthree]

guess i'm a big fat zero too

have never had any maintenance from my ex, never asked her and she never offered.

a couple of years ago i did get in touch with the csa - just for a laugh.

even tho we both work they said i dont get a penny - nothing new there but they gave no explanation, nothing.

couldnt be bothered chasing it and she never even mentioned it.

on reflection tho i do feel better knowing i went it alone - even when we were really hard up she never helped in any way. so when i'm an old git i can look back and think 'i did that all by meself'

[speedynamechange]

I kind of feel like that too SDOT. Ex very much used to use money to manipulate me, he had a lot and I had none so it was his power source really.
Even though him giving me nothing at all and living the high life while we struggle really really winds me up sometimes, I can look at what we do have and know that I did that, all by myself, and he has no hold whatsoever any more

Silver linings and all that

[tessofthedurbervilles]

Right I am playing to win here....two t shirts from mackays and an IOU for £50 a month that never happened...just to add insult the t shirts were 'daddy's little sweetheart....

[benfmsmum]

Can I put a flip side story please? My dh pays £1200 per month plus mortgage to his ex for two children. She works an hour and a half a day so has tax credits, child benefit etc. We on the other hand have one child, we both work and have very little money left at the end of the day. In fact my debit card was denied in the supermarket today. Have to admit though that this was not agreed through the CSA.