lets laugh, who gets maintenance and how much?

[onlywantsone]

I'm laughing, really I am - my XP doesnt see my DD due to various issues but givesme a voluntary contribution towards her upbringing out of the "kindness" of his heart of

drum roll please

£5 a week

TA DA!!!!!

[AnitaBlake]

When you only make £1000 a month £400 is a lot. pay-per-view is wrong and should be illegal, (well it IS blackmail) but its all in the mothers best interest isn't it?

Simple fact I saw have seen my dad once since I was 13, my sister is six years younger than my, my brother 10 years younger than me, we could have mananged without the money - my mum worked HARD - the love, now thats a different story. I'm still upset my dad turned away from me, my sister can't cope with the idea my mum could even have coffee with anyone other thean my stepdad.

My brother, I can't even describe the harm it has done him, he didn't have a male role model for eight years, he has anger management issues, he can't keep a girlfriend, I don't want to go into it, but his dad decided not to se him, and it has seriously affected him. No parent should be allowed to stop a child from knowing its WHOLE fammily and be allowed to get away with it, and as is the current case be rewarded for it. Maintenence should ONLY be awarded when it is proven that 50/50 care in totally impracticable (and not for reasons such as 'I'm too busy').

[Haribosmummy]

Sorry, Anita, I still disagree.

When Dh and his ex first split, he was paying in excess of 80% (YES 80%) of his salary to her to get sorted. Obviously, that has gone down, but he took a MASSIVE step down in terms of lifestyle so that his kids didn't. And, yes, I do believe that, if he hadn't done that, his ex would have done everything in her power to stop him seeing the kids. She's pulled quite a few tricks as it is!!

there is a real difference between one parent trying to discourage / disallow contact and a parent simply walking away.

A parent simply walking away (IMHO - and this IS simply MY opinion) is MUCH worse. Neither is right, but I don't get how any parent can simply walk away from thier child, for no other reason than money or a difficult Ex.

I really don't know how some people can walk away from an innocent child (and I don't mean are forced out - I mean, CHOOSE to walk away) and then honestly look at themselves every morning. I will never get that.

[AnitaBlake]

I agree that a parent walking away is wrong. But I also believe that no parent should ever be allowed to stand in the way of the child having a relationship with both parents. I speak both as the stepmother of a child I have never met and the child of divorced parents.

Fact is if both parents share contact no payment should be required. Default should be 50/50 contact. I also know a child who has this and is incredibly well adjusted. The fact that the parents cannot act as adults this not the fault of the child, who generally knows nothing of money, but know how much they are loved. I don't remember the money aspect, but I do remember how much it hurt when my dad left me.

Fact is my OH has begged his ex to allow him to be on the BC and asked to pay from the day of birth, she only wanted his money when she wanted to move out of her parents house.. Her parents do not think she knows who the father of her LO is, as a result he cannot have a relationship with his child - exactly how is this fair?

[drlove8]

anitia can your other half not write a letter to his ex's parents and ask for hep to see his child? if he is willing to help bring the lo up, then surely the grandparents would help him?

[AnitaBlake]

Drlove8, we have considered this, but are quite basically too scared to! Rocking the boat in any way shape or form could be seen as harrassment, threatening, or interference, and reflect badly on OH if he does have to go to court. it boils down to the fact that if she doesn't want the LO to see him, the LO doesn't see him, that is the state of the law in this country. Sorry if it sounds defeatist, but this is how it works! If he does anything like that then she can simply claim that she is too scared to meet him or whatever.

As it stands if we went to court she would say he doesn't have a relationship with her so why should he see her?

[glitterfairy]

Parental involvelment should not be decided on a 50/50 or any other split but on what the kids want.

This is never about what parents want but always should be about what the kids want and there is plenty of evidence that 50/50 splits are not the best solution for kids.

As far as I am concerned the law needs to listen more to children and then take a view and kids need to be involved in decisions about their futures at a much earlier age.

[glitterfairy]

Surfermum as ever both you and dh are to be admired.

[onlywantsone]

WOW wasn't expecting this responce... glad we're all in a simliar position.

[AnitaBlake]

GF I agree it should be decided on what the kids want, however the child in my case is too young to talk, and certainly cannot express an opinion. When I was a child and my parents were splitting, even at ten/eleven, I could not understand why parents could not simply live together.

My social worker asked me a number of time who I wanted to live with and I refused to express an opinion for fear of upsetting either parent. What I am trying to say is that children are easily influenced and it is unfair to ask them to choose, even if they can express themselves. That is why parents should work it out for them, at least until they CAN decide for themselves. But no parent should have the right to deny their child a relationship with the other parent (unless there are VERY good reasons) in my OHs case these reasons include the fact that she is too busy and although she will never admit it, her parents don't know he is even around (never mind paying CSA and trying very hard to see his daughter).

[Surfermum]

Thank you glitterfairy .

I agree Anita. My 13 year old dsd still finds it difficult to express her opinion when both mum and dad are saying "just do what you want to" and are both cool with whatever her response is. Heaven knows what it must have been like for her when she was younger and her mum was trying to prevent contact.

I've often said to her that she is in an impossible position because, for example at Christmas, she wants to be with her mum and siblings there but equally wants to be with her Dad, dd and I here, and whoever she opts to be with she will be missing the other ones and missing out on stuff they do. It's really tough for her.

[VinegarTits]

oooo i get a whopping £5 a week, but xp hasnt paid it in 2 yrs so he now owes me about £500 and the CSA are taking him to court

He did give me 2 cheques about 12 months ago that amounted to about £100, and now he wants me to contact CSA and tell them so they can knock it of his bill

Twat

[piratecat]

My ex dh rather happily yet very informatively told me had rang the csa just to confirm that he doesn't have to give me/us anything, now that he is a mature (questionable) student. Apparently he could be at uni for 7 years.

cock

[piratecat]

oh, btw, he wasn't giving me anything b4 this either!!

[Haribosmummy]

AnnieMac - Of course Dh and I have a mortgage - we have bills just like any other couple and, yes, we fund a house large enough for each child to have their own room. Yes. I know we are lucky to be able to do that.

I didn't say that people should have more kids, I said (and this relates really to my situation here) that it was important for DH and I to be able to have a child without changing the CS / maintenence currently agreed.

My DH's ex is quite materially driven and will fight to the death over money. It was important to DH and I to avoid putting the kids through that.

As it is, we are to maintain the current CS / maintenence and so that has eliminated one issue DH's ex can fight about. Do I think she's happy we have a child? NO! Do I think she get's in the kids ears about us? Yes, all the time. But, by making sure she doesn't have any substatial to bitch about means we all have an easier ride.

I'm not trying to preach to anyone else - each situation is different... that's just my POV based upon my situation.

[glitterfairy]

Many children have said that they are not involved enough in arrangements according to a lot of research. I am happy that other peoples experiences are different but my kids were ignored when they told the court that their father was a violent bully.

It took a huge fight from me to get their voices heard and I did a lot of research on the subject.

I have always supported any of their decisions concerning him in the face of some disapproval as he has at one time or another hit them all.

My youngest is staying with him overnight tonight (her choice) for the fourth time this year. She calls the shots and says when she does and does not want to see him and that is how it has always been. As she gets older she is seeing him more often and despite saying she can never relax with him as she doesnt know when he will blow up wants a dad. It would be completely wrong of me to deny her that despite the circumstances. Nor would I dod so because he let me go bankrupt and refused to pay child maintenance for years.

My eldest two have nothing whatsoever to do with him. He assaulted my eldest daughter and hit my son for which I had him arrested. He is now clear that if he touches one hair on their heads I will call the police and social services and I think that has stopped him since last year when he hurt my youngest.

It doesnt stop me worrying but really it is entirely up to her to see him and the others to choose not to and I would always support their right to choose.