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Original poster

lets laugh, who gets maintenance and how much?

297 replies

onlywantsone · 12/02/2009 08:11

I'm laughing, really I am - my XP doesnt see my DD due to various issues but givesme a voluntary contribution towards her upbringing out of the "kindness" of his heart of

drum roll please

£5 a week

TA DA!!!!!

OP posts:
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oldraver · 12/02/2009 19:49

I'm practising to join the 'bitter ex's club'

StewieGriffinsMom · 12/02/2009 19:49

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TequilaMockinBird · 12/02/2009 20:02

I have worked since DD was 18 months old.

My XP was such a complete twunt even when he lived here that I had to pay for all of the childcare, all of the bills, clothe her, feed her etc. I didn't get any benefits because I had a partner and we were both working (even though he never paid a penny into the house).

When I eventually kicked him out I did claim CTC/WTC to help towards the cost of full time childcare. However, now that DD is 11 and doesn't go to a CM anymore, I don't get any help whatsoever.

Oh, apart from the pittance £12 a week I get from XP (while he goes to the bingo/casino 2 nights a week, out drinking, buying new plasma TV, holiday in the sun etc.)

School dinner money is £9 a week - that leaves me £3.

Haribosmummy · 12/02/2009 20:03

I would just like to say, I DO think that NRP get the easier end of the deal.

In my situation, we pay ALOT (WAYYYYYYY more than CSA guidelines) but, as I said, I think the CSA guidelines are so low it's pathetic... we pay a reasonable amount of money to adequately care, provide, support, nuture DH's daughters, just as I expect DS to be treated.

But, custodial parents (generally) get the monday mornings, they get the homework, they get the angst... NRPs (again generall) get Sundays and birthdays and no discipline (or less discipline) and late night and coke and crisps on a Friday night.

Anyway, not sure anyone is listening to me anyway!!

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 12/02/2009 20:07

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oldraver · 12/02/2009 20:11

Haribo.. its refreshing to see your point of view as so often nowadays you see so much of... the horrible ex/CSA takes all my money and bleeds me dry. So its good to see some that pay more

I do honestly think the CSA guidlines should be seen as the mininum amount. I do also understand that for some ( yes like AHM )it is a struggle, but certainly not unfair

AnarchyAuntSaysRomanceIsDead · 12/02/2009 20:14

Haribosmummy - it is fantastic to hear your POV. I wish my ex would meet someone like you.

oldraver · 12/02/2009 20:17

So we're all gonna fight over a Haribo for the ex's and AHappyMummy's CSA caseworker

silverfrog · 12/02/2009 20:18

I have read most of this thread in shock. non payment of maintenance is something you know about (my dad was great at non-payment) but imo, the worst bit of it is the insulting csa results, like £1.50 per week etc. I mean, honestly.

dh pays a fortune to his ex for hs two children. Far more than he would "have" to pay via csa, and then school fees on top, half in all extras (trips/music lessons etc), and ex wife was left with the house mortgage free too. And quite rightly. The only time we have moaned is when, despite all this (which actually leaves us with less to live on than they have) we have had requests from dss for new shoes as "mum can't afford any" - this the week before they went off on their third skiing holiday of the year. Just taking the piss, quite frankly.

BUT, haribosmummy, I would like to point out, that as a NRP, dh would love to have had the monday mornings, the discipline (well, he did in our house, but no cohesive plan iyswim), the homework, the decision making - none of which he was allowed part of. all he wants is to be a normal part of his children's lives, and that includes all the hard stuff as well as the birthdays etc. He is in a positon now, where despite having fought tooth and nail to keep contact over the years, and always paid up everyhitng he shoudl (and more) as he should have, he is seen more as a kindly uncle or godfather because he has never been allowed to be involved in the normalities of life - choosing schools, helping with homework, working out issues that arise, advising onschool options/uni places etc. So sometimes, the NRP gets a really raw deal.

Surfermum · 12/02/2009 20:18

I'm not sure that's necessarily true Haribosmummy. I think it's the bum end of the deal to only have your child at weekends and holidays from an emotional point of view. Dh gets to put dd to bed every night, he can pick her up from school, run her to Rainbows, do her reading homework with her, can be a "proper" parent and have the fun times as well as the mundane and he is really sad and often comments that he has missed out on so much with dsd.

Haribosmummy · 12/02/2009 20:45

Sorry, I was talking generally (and I suppose with my slant)

My Dh works away 5 days a week, so he doesn't get to do any of those 'normal' things with our DS or his DDs - and his DD's are teenagers now so really don't need their hands held anymore, so I suppose we think less about the 'missed' stuff. It seems less important now, and (for those with younger kids) it can work. DH is really close to both his DDs.

I have to agree with Silverfrog, though.. We still get the 'mum won't pay' from the kids and 'I can't afford it' from the ex. It can be a bit annoying, but it's a mere irritation.

The important thing is that, whatever else is said and done, my DH can look in the mirror and say 'I did everything I could - emotionally, financially, physically - to do the best for my kids' That's an important thing, IMHO, and one I find hard to believe some men can walk away from so easily.

Haribosmummy · 12/02/2009 20:48

Realityismyonlyvalentine - Haribos are COOL, aren't they????

My particular Haribo is only 8 months old and is STILL awake in his cot!!!

AnitaBlake · 12/02/2009 20:48

Could I just point out that it is 15% of income for one child, 20% for two and 25% for three or more? The fact is my OH can't se his kid, he isn't recognised as her dad for any other purpose than for CSA reasons.

If he wants to see her, which is all he's wanted for the last two years (LO is two) he has to pay out as much as is needed in solicitors and court fees. The mother simply wants her money. The family courts are skewed towards the needs of the mother not the child. If OH went to court he would be offered a 'gradual build-up' of contact so the LO can get 'used' to him being around, no such concession when a child goes to nursery is there? It's not built-up over months and months is it?

In our case (and I'm not saying this is the same in all cases) the mother simply does not want to allow LO to see her daddy, if he was allowed to see her and have her overnight, maintenance would be reduced to reflect that. Although there technically isn't a link between contact and maintenance, there is really and it's in the favour of the PWC. Even if OH had the LO 50% of the time he would still have to pay for the rest of the time.

He would give anything to have the mundane day-to-day contact the PWCs take for granted. In fact he would just like his LO to meet her grandparents..........

Haribosmummy · 12/02/2009 21:06

Anita,

Firstly, make it clear that you WILL NOT alter maintenence if overnight visitation is allowed. Make it a non issue.

We have the kids probably 50% of the time now and NEVER mention the fact that we pay as though they aren't here at all. Removes the issue.

Time does need to be built up. Just along with that. I spent over a year 'waiting' to meet my step kids... In that time, they saw their dad (several times in my apartment, I took down any signs of me) so they got used to daddy having a place of his own.
Then we went through several meetings of me meeting his ex (horrible, horrible experience I admit, but neccessary) then meeting with the kids and Ex... finally, after quite some time, us having the kids for longer periods.

at 2, yes, that's young. Nursery is really not the same thing at all. And, even there, yes, there are settling in days.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 12/02/2009 21:06

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crazycrazy · 12/02/2009 21:09

To whoever said the children from a previous relationship are more important - what are you, a nazi? WTF??

And for those who say the maintenance should be treated as a fixed expense and shouldn't reduce for new children...if the ex DW has more children, I imagine that through normal family budgetting, she herself will spend less of her salary on the existing children. Likewise, if she's having to budget for other reasonss, she will spend less on the children from her own salary, again, normal budgetting. But a NRP is not allowed this luxury, as the maintenance is fixed by the CSA. If they were still together, they would both be spending less on the children when times were hard, yet when apart, the NRP can never do this.

Also, you're assuming that the PWC spends 100% of the maintenance on the children - not so in all circumstances. I've seen circumstances where the money isn't spent on the children, yet the NRP is forced to give this money to her and has no say in how it is spent, while the children do without clothes, trips out etc. (and the mother and her new partner are working with good jobs, so with the maintenance can well afford these basic items)

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 12/02/2009 21:10

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Haribosmummy · 12/02/2009 21:15

But, Crazycrazy, they are NOT together. There is an agreement to pay £X per month. There isn't a single other bill that a new parent would think 'oh, I should pay less now, cos of the baby' - Mortgage, gas, elec, phone etc., So why a Court order or CSA agreement?

If the Ex W has more children, one would (hopefully) assume that the father is around to help with finances.

For me, personally, I think it's much better to avoid the argument and concetrate on the relationship with the kids. it's just a personal view though.

mrsjammi · 12/02/2009 21:15

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lostdad · 12/02/2009 21:17

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine - Godwin's Law? lol!

Sorry...who's like the Nazis/Hitler?

Haribosmummy · 12/02/2009 21:17

But, you are a great mum and Step mum, MrsJammi.... and the kids know that!!!

How's your LO?

FAQinglovely · 12/02/2009 21:17

well I suppose it depends on how you define as "on the children" doesnt it?

as far as I am concerned paying my gas bill, or paying the rent is just as much about spending it on the children as buying them new shoes is.

Haribosmummy · 12/02/2009 21:19

Reality - what IS Twitter???

My friends keep raving about it and I have no clue!!

mrsjammi · 12/02/2009 21:19

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Surfermum · 12/02/2009 21:19

I think the theory behind reducing maintenance for overnight stays is that the NRP will need to live somewhere that will accommodate that, so housing costs will be higher. It's not that simple to say keep the maintenance the same. Presumably you and your dh can afford that Haribosmummy, not everyone can.

And as for introducing dsd to me, we were the opposite end of the spectrum. As soon as dh was "allowed" to take dsd out for the day we all went to the zoo. And the first time she came to our home it was situation normal - it was my home as well as her Dad's. I talked to her about this the other week and asked if she felt I shouldn't have come along and if she thought it had affected her re-building her relationship with her Dad. Posts on here had made me wonder if we'd got it wrong. She looked at me like I was weird (which she does a lot, but she's 13) and said that it hadn't bothered her at all.