For anyone wondering why lone parents had children with their no-good exes to begin with:

[HerBeatitudeLittleBella]

I can't speak for everyone else, but I had children with my ex because I genuinely had no idea what a loving, normal, functional relationship was, never having experienced one. I didn't know how normal people behaved in relationships; and so when I met someone who behaved with extreme abnormality, it felt familiar to me and for a long time, I didn't recognise that it was abnormal.

It was only as a result of having children, that I began to question my own upbringing. Which led me out of denial and made me realise that my own relationship was abnormal and that my XP and I were unwittingly repeating damaging family patterns and role-modelling a crap relationship to our child. And that if I couldn't change it (which I couldn't, because my XP refused to recognise that we were not conducting an emotionally healthy relationship), then I had to leave it, in order to give my children the best possible chance of not experiencing the same disadvantage in adult relationships that I had laboured under.

OK? Will that do you? Is your curiosity satsified now? Or would you like some other LP's to come on and justify to you why they had children with their exes? And when you want to moan about your partner, please bear in mind that no-one is going to ask you to account for why you have had children with him, if he's such a PITA.

[TheFirstLiffey]

Inevertalk, I read that comment on the other thread too, and was amazed. That was pretty much th e only comment that shocked me and hurt me. I was depressed and my judgment was clouded, but plenty of women who are confident and choose the man of their dreams end up cheated on or treated shoddily.

The woman who made that comment must have a chip missing.

[beanieb]

"There is no defence for name-calling, long silent treatments or being bad-tempered unless one gets one's own way completely all the time, controlling all the money and abusing that control, prioritising your own career and life and interests at the expense of your partner/wife."

I absolutely agree.

[poshsinglemum]

Why did i have a child with my ex? because i wanted to- that's why!
The abuse started AFTER I got pregnant and during my pregnancy as so much abuse does unfortunately.
Even tho he's a tosspot i dont regret having kids with him as dd wouldnt b her georgeous self if it werent for him.

[HerBeatitudeLittleBella]

75% of physical domestic violence starts in pregnancy or within a year of having a child.

Something else to bear in mind when asking why women had children with violent men.

[TheFirstLiffey]

True HerBeatitude, the first time my x lost his temper so badly, and broke things and kicked things, i was prg with dc1. The first time he hit me and pulled my hair I was pg with dc2.

[GettingaGrip]

Beanieb

This site by its very nature attracts people who are in distress. Posters who have 'just had a row with their partner' are very rarely told to leave, or that they are victims of abuse.

Telling a poster who is in a relationship in which they have no autonomy and are upset and frightened for themselves or their children they are equally to blame is the equivalent of telling a child who has been abused that you don't believe them and it is their fault.

These people have had a lifetime of being told it is their fault. They are often in despair, suicidal, and worried sick about their children either being abused or copying the abuser's behaviour.

They know something is terribly wrong, but have no idea what, and cannot improve things as their controlling dominating partner has spent years getting them exactly where they want them. That is cowed, confused, and lacking in any sense of self worth.

I have been told it is my fault for being abused a few times, and this is devastating, and abuse in itself.

When someone has plucked up the courage to ask total strangers on a site, which their abusive partner may well be stalking them on, and and may well punish them for posting on, the very last thing they need is to be told it is their fault, or 'they are equally to blame'.

[TheFirstLiffey]

GettingaGrip, that's exactly what I felt but was unable to articulate. Well done. You have it in a nutshell and it's an important message.

[newlysinglemummy]

herbeati - I have to agree with you that if I had not had dd with exp we would probably still be together now having a crap on and off relationship which was never going anywhere....

[onlywantsone]

I cant find the thread that started this all off... where is it?