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Original poster

I guess noone is still up but..

63 replies

ShyBaby · 16/10/2008 01:54

My exp who left me 3 months pregnant and ignored us completely has gotten in touch tonight.

Its been five years since he fell off the face of the earth.

He wants to meet dd and wants to be her dad (so he says).

We were never a one night stand, we had a long history and he's deceived me before.

I wanted this for so many years and i'd given up hope of it ever happening. He wants to meet her. I said of course he could and I was civil, even managed a laugh when years ago I could have seriously hurt him for what he did.

If he lets her down....

How do I do this...I dont know if i've ever felt so confused. Things like this dont happen to me.

In shock I think.

OP posts:
Ready4anotherCoffee · 16/10/2008 01:58

don't want you to go unanswered, (((((hugs)))))

I have no experiance in this, but every bit of me is screaming out to take it slowly.

wishing you luck

SuperBunny · 16/10/2008 01:59

I think you have to let them have contact but you can do it slowly.

Could he come round for a cup of tea one afternoon to say hi? And just see how it goes?

Do you know what suddenly made him get in touch?

StayFrostyShiversDownMySpine · 16/10/2008 02:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StayFrostyShiversDownMySpine · 16/10/2008 02:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurplePumpkinWitchyOne · 16/10/2008 02:34

Just letting you know I read too shybaby.

I think you ought to see a solicitor? Half hour for free, just to see where you stand?

5 years is a bloody long time.
How old is your DD? Does she know?

I agree with stayfrosty. Keep her close to your heart for now. She might not remember him.

If he lets her down, then kick his arse to the kerb.

brightongirldownunder · 16/10/2008 02:51

Shybaby - if I were you on your first meet make sure you have someone there with you as backup. Maybe your first meeting should be without DD and you could just show him some photos and discuss what role he wants to take.
I also agree with purplepumpkin, try and get some legal advice. If he wants to be a dad he has some serious making up to do financially as well. If that scares him off he's obviously not that interested.
Make sure any old emotions don't get in the way and remember what he did to you.
Be careful.
x

Original poster
ShyBaby · 16/10/2008 02:53

He will never be anything to me again put it that way. I went through hurt, anger, hate...every emotion you can name.

Not for me, for dd.

She will be five years old in three months.

He has never met her, refused to.

She asks where daddy is, but she has never missed what she hasn't had. I cant believe he has done this. After the first three years I gave up hoping for even a birthday card, yet i've secretly hoped that one day it may come. Now he pops up like fuck all has happened. Im so angry with him.

I want them to meet, but what if he walks away again? I dont trust him. He says he's changed, has another child now but......

I dont want him to hurt her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShyBaby · 16/10/2008 02:55

Sorry, I am rambling, he's texting me now.

I want to SCREAM!!

OP posts:
SuperBunny · 16/10/2008 03:00

You have every right to feel angry and upset by this. I'd really want to know why he has suddenly changed his mind. What prompted this?

brightongirldownunder · 16/10/2008 03:01

Listen, stay calm. He can't enter your life unless you let him. If you're that angry at him you really mustn't meet with DD first time as she'll hate to see you upset.
He can't just flounce in - maybe having a child has made him realise his responsibilities though? I'm not trying to defend him as a he sounds like a complete prick, but think it may be best to meet him face to face with a friend/relative first.

Original poster
ShyBaby · 16/10/2008 03:11

sorry, its late and I just feel like this isn't really happening.

you wish for something so much....and then here he is saying he's effed up and he's sorry.

He's sorry? what for..me going into labour on my own? having a c section on my own? seeing my daughter's first steps, first teeth, first fucking everything on my own. But he's sorry, so its all ok then?

Bastard.

"I wont let her down, or you, I wont hurt her. I want to be her dad". etc etc.

ARRRRGGGHHHH complete t**t. Words cannot describe how I feel right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShyBaby · 16/10/2008 03:24

He even told me that he'd sat outside my house wanting to knock the door many times.

He told me how my garden looked now. It is true, ive completely changed it since he went. He would have no other way of knowing this.

So why the hell did he never knock the door?

My head is going to explode I think.

OP posts:
brightongirldownunder · 16/10/2008 03:25

I'm so sorry for you - but remind yourself how strong you are to have got this far without him. You are the one who your daughter will look up to in years to come and you obviously have a great bond. Nothing will ever break that. Only do this when you are ready. There's no point having a huge argument and then you feeling even worse..
Try and get some sleep. x

Original poster
ShyBaby · 16/10/2008 03:30

Thanks, I am a reasonable person, I didn't even rant at him on the phone. He gave me all the flannel that he was scared of me yada yada. Idiot. I was on autopilot I think, or maybe that's just me now.

I cant be arsed with asking him why...it really doesn't matter.

OP posts:
dooneygirl · 16/10/2008 04:12

Wow. You must be totally crazy right now. Thinking about you and (very cautiously) hoping for the best. You deserve it m'dear.

lilacpink · 16/10/2008 04:25

Hi, I'm awake for another reason (had an op today, in shock and awake on adrenaline), but I do have a personal view on this and just want to know I'm not the only one stressed! My story - my parents physically fought before separating when I was 6-7, they had an on-off relationship and re-married each other when I was 15, but I actually had an on-off Dad until I reached 18, when I stayed up one night and told them how their relationship had had serious problems on my growing up. After this I gradually developed a 'friendship' relationship with my Dad (i.e. he will never be a Dad before this point in my head, and so I knew him as an adult), and I still obviously felt a much stronger bond with my Mum. My point is carry on your routine, one stable parent is great (I was better off as child when I just had mum). I would be suspicious that he may have regrets for loosing you (particularly the stalking of your house). As you are not interested, and to check his intentions, what about letters/postcards to start with? If he gets bored, fails to write you will have given him a chance. Unfortunately some men don't bond with children, his current actions could be a 'phase' he's going through and will stop soon (i.e. he's decided he's messed up and doesn't know how to fix it), but maybe would be better if he worked through his guilt first without too much contact with your dd. He may also be jeolous that he's alone and you have successfully brought up dd, so have a close bond. When your DD is old enough she'll make up her own opinion, and as she'll know you were the one there for her!

lilacpink · 16/10/2008 04:45

I should add..when I said stayed up one night, we had a major row and I made sure they completely understood my perspective by talking through all the events over the past 18yrs. Took all night, and weeks to resolve further.

Tinkerbel6 · 16/10/2008 09:59

Shybaby you need to ease your daughter in gently, might be an idea when you all meet up to not reveal who he is at first but just mummys friend, that way if he does do one again you are not left with a confused and rejected child who has lost her daddy for the 2nd time, if he thinks anything of your daughter he will want to do what is in her best interest and that means taking this slowy and building up some kind of rapport with her, good luck

brightongirldownunder · 16/10/2008 11:52

Shybaby - how are you?
Did you get any sleep?

Original poster
ShyBaby · 16/10/2008 19:29

Thanks ladies. sleep didn't come easily...and when I woke up the whole sorry situation hadn't gone away!

Im calming down now a bit. Wish he hadn't bothered in a way but i'll go along with it. I thought maybe take her for a walk/park or something and he can meet us there as "mummy's friend" who just happened to be there...what do you think.

Im so scared!

OP posts:
StayFrostyShiversDownMySpine · 16/10/2008 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoffinMum · 16/10/2008 21:29

Hello, thinking of you ... hope you sleep better tonight ... listen to the other ladies, take it very steady and don't make it easy for him. Cool and distant is good. You must be a brilliant mum to have got this far without him, so hang on to that. He's an optional extra and needs to prove himself Best of luck.

estuaryfairy · 16/10/2008 21:30

This is an awful situation to be in ShyBaby, I really feel for you. The thing is, if you introduce him as 'mummy's friend' and he actually does stick around and become daddy, you're going to have one confused almost-five-year-old on your hands. I think you should meet up with him first on your own as there are a lot of questions you need (and have a right to) be answered before you let him near your DD. You say he has another child, does he live with this child and his/her mum? If so, you have to think about how not just daddy, but suddenly having a whole new family is going to affect your dd. Is he on his own now and wanting to get back with you? If so, where does he see his other child fitting into that arrangement etc etc. What I'm trying to say is don't be afraid to really interrogate him and give him a hard time, he's nothing to you now, and currently nothing to your dd, and you need to be really, really sure before you agree to let him into her life. I'm not saying you shouldn't (my xp is a twat of the highest order but I put up with his always irritating and sometimes painful presence in my life because I know having that relatonship with her daddy will be so important to her as she grows up), I'm saying that, given his history, he needs to explain himself to your satisfaction and convince you that him meeting your dd is the right thing to do.

Original poster
ShyBaby · 17/10/2008 18:03

This is so difficult. My best friend I can tell is really annoyed with me for even considering it, she says i've brought this on myself by keeping in touch with our mutual friend and now have put myself and dd in a position to be hurt. She thinks I should tell him to get lost.

While I agree with that to an extent it would never have been easy whatever happened and I cant rule with my head all of the time (as I have for many years). Im human, I make mistakes and bad decisions, sometimes I do things that have no logic and very occasionally I follow my heart. Dd would not be here now if i'd have taken what seemed the sensible option at the time.

Am I protecting her from hurt if I dont allow this? Or am I being selfish because this is hurting me too?

Am I depriving her of what could be a good relationship if I dont allow this?
Or am I keeping her life stable and secure with the people who love her?

I HATE making decisions!

OP posts:
MeMySonAndI · 17/10/2008 18:18

I think you are right, and not your best friend. Of course you want to protect your child, but part of protecting her is to give her the chance to have contact with his father in the future.

I don't know what I would do if I were in your situation. But I would allow him to see her, but wouldn't tell her who he really is until he has given you enough reasons to think he won't brake her heart.

But even if things don't work, please try to keep some details that may allow her to contact him in the future should she feel the need for it.

I can only imagine the nightmare that this could be, but from my point of view, you seem to be putting your DD first which is an inmensely generous thing to do considering how awful he has behaved towards you.