Would you bother to have a relationship with someone who you knew wouldn't ever take on your kids ??

[IllegallyBrunette]

Just wondering about this because of my other thread.

I don't expect any bloke I meet to launch into dad mode and promise to be there for me and my children for all eternity, but at the same time, I don't see the point of starting anything with a bloke who catergorically states that he doesn't want to take on another mans kids.

How about you ?

used to be the same in the UK until recently. But surely you're not really arguing that the legal status between two people affects how you feel about each other are you?

Anna is a bit of a brani box. mad as a box of frogs sometimes but you can't argue with the smarts.

My opinion (which i just know you have all been waiting for) is that you love me you love my kids.

but unless i fall head over heels and tghink its a winner then you won't be meeting them anyway so no need to worry till after i have seen if your good in bed or not

In practice here in France it just doesn't work and doesn't happen - though they are thinking of changing the law apparently due to same sex couple issues where, say, mother has a child with a sperm donor and wants her female partner to be the child's other parent.

Not how you feel about each other, but what your responsibilities to one another are, yes.

Had to come back to copy and paste what ukl gov site says about PR:

What is parental responsibility?
While the law does not define in detail what parental responsibility is, the following list sets out the key roles:

providing a home for the child
having contact with and living with the child
protecting and maintaining the child
disciplining the child
choosing and providing for the child's education
determining the religion of the child
agreeing to the child's medical treatment
naming the child and agreeing to any change of the child's name
accompanying the child outside the UK and agreeing to the child's emigration, should the issue arise
being responsible for the child's property
appointing a guardian for the child, if necessary
allowing confidential information about the child to be disclosed
Who has parental responsibility?
If the parents of a child are married to each other or if they have jointly adopted a child, then they both have parental responsibility. This is not automatically the case for unmarried parents.

According to current law, a mother always has parental responsibility for her child. A father, however, has this responsiblity only if he is married to the mother or has acquired legal responsibility for his child through one of these three routes:

(after December 1 2003) by jointly registering the birth of the child with the mother
by a parental responsiblity agreement with the mother
by a parental responsiblity order, made by a court
Living with the mother, even for a long time, does not give a father parental responsiblity and if the parents are not married, parental responsiblity does not always pass to the natural father if the mother dies.

All parents (including adoptive parents) have a legal duty to financially support their child, whether they have parental responsibility or not.
Applying to the courts for parental responsibility
A father can apply to the court to gain parental responsibility. In considering an application from a father, the court will take the following into account:

the degree of commitment shown by the father to his child
the degree of attachment between father and child
the father's reasons for applying for the order
The court will then decide to accept or reject the application based on what it believes is in the child's best interest.

Court addresses and contact details (opens new window)

I was going to keep off but that is really interesting Kewcumber-when did it change? Can the step parent adopt alone? I looked into it but it appeared that we had to both adopt my DS and there was no way I was adopting my own child!

no, no point at all. Can't see why any mum would rate a personal relationship with a man over her kids.

A friend of mine has just found out who his biological father is at the age of 50. Similarly, don't 10% of the population call the wrong man dad? Being a parent and being a biological and/or legally responsible person are not the same thing at all. The parent one is the most beneficical to the child.

WWW - all those things list what parents (people with parental responsibility) ought to do for their children. It is not because someone else without parental responsibility does those things that parental responsibility is conferred upon him/her.

I didn't say it was Anna. The point I was making was that just because there is no 'legal' relationship between you and your step sons, doesn't mean you shouldn't imo take some parental responsibility for them and do your utmost to consider them as important as the dd you have with your dp.

And my dh#2 has a PR responsibility agreement made with me, ds's mother.

But you cannot make that point from the quotation you have posted.

In reality I do lots of the things on that list, by virtue of living in the same home as my stepsons and their being younger than me and needing protection, care and guidance from the adults in their home. But that does not give me any parental responsibility whatsoever.

I bloody well can and I did Anna!

I do think it's sad, your attitude towards your stepsons. I wouldn't be with my dh if he had the same attitude towards my son.

You can't because logically it doesn't stand up.

What happens if you die tomorrow WWW and your exH wants your DS1 to live with him and he decides to up sticks to Australia? Can your DH prevent him?

WWW - I agree.

My DP does all of those things onn the parental responsibility list in spite of having NO legal responsibility. Ex H has legal parental responsibility but can tick about two of those items on the list.

Same question to you Swedes - you die tomorrow, your exH decides to take the boys to Australie to live. Can your DP prevent him?

I've read through this thread with interest and although Anna appears in the minority I totally agree with what she is saying - sounds like we have a similar family set up.

When I met my now husband I was single and he was separated with son (they were never married though and his child lived with his mother). I had no desire at all to become a mother figure or any kind of 'parent'. My DH equally did not expect it of me (or anyone else) and didnt want another parent for his child. What he did was was a partner.

We now have children of our own and his son visits regularly. We all get along well, i dont consider his child to be mine or have the feelings I have for my children. After I had my own it became very apparent that it was a very different relationship. I accept that my husband has various parenting duties that do not involve me or our children.

I have no interest or input in decisions about his childs education, health, future etc.... I dont collect him/ take him anywhere, pay for anything for him, wash his clothes, go to school occasions etc....he calls me by my name and probably thinksof me as his dads wife rather than a 'mum'.

I do however, ensure he his occupied and happy when he is visiting, cook extra portions, whatever we are doing as a family he is involved in (although family occasions on my side we tend to plan when he is not visiting). I am fond of him, want the best for him in the future and he enjoys chatting with me about things he doesnt seem to chat to his dad about etc..

I think the fact that I am not trying to be overly involved has been the making of what can be a difficult situation. If I were to spearate from my husband I would not want someone to 'take on the kids' as its a ridiculous concept. As long as the person accepts they are in my life and is kind and pleasant I think thats the best to be hoped for.

Also, I am do not think its possible to love a kid like your own....

Areyouthere - . Yes - being a caring and responsible stepparent is much more complex than just trying to be another parent (which one cannot actually be).

so Areyouthere - do you not believe that parents who adopt children can ever love that child in the same way as you love your own children?

I think I agree with bethoo. It is a huge deal to expect a man to take on your children. They must accept you have children, and in time build a relationship with them, but I would never expect a man to become a father figure to my boys. My boys have a dad who is very involved with them, and will only ever have the one father.

I am lucky in that the boys dad has them often enough for me to spend time with my new DP alone, and it was around 5-6 months into the relationship before the boys even met him. I did it in little bursts - first letting them stay up & just say hello, then gradually progressing to spending a little more time with him. This was for my boys sake as much as anything else.

I would never go into a relationship assuming the new man was going to become a big part of the boys life, as you don't know where a relationship is going when you first start dating. I would always make it very clear that I had 2 boys though as that is obviously a big part of my life. My new partner has always said it wasn't an issue for him. They went round to his parents for the first time on Sunday!

areyouthere - don't you also though consider that if you stepson lived with you - and not your DH's ex that it would be somewhat different?

faq - i imagine that parents who adopt children can love the child as their own....but they have that legal responsibility and the official parent badge which I think makes a difference. Also, their is lots of evidence that suggests that it can be harder to bond with an adopted child and a higher incidence of attachment problems may occur.

Could you love a child that was not your own?? A random 7 year old for example??? I just happened to fall in love with a man who happened to have a son. Not sure why the becoming his new mother should be assumed to be part of that deal. I don't start treating my husbands mother as I do my own either!

If his son lived with us I still dont think I would have bonded with him or ever grown to consider him my own. In fact, I probably wouldnt have pursued the relationship if my DH had custody but thats a moot point.

To be honest, I think expecting a man to take on kids that aren't his is selfish and indeed not in the best interests of the children. Too many 'parents' battling in the relationship will cause friction and conflict for the kids. It also will not help the relationship with the non-custodial parent. My DH's ex had a BF when we met who now lives with her and her son. From what I gather he has developed a similar relationship to the child that I have. They are buddies but he does not assume any responsibility of heavy emotional involvement. This has made it far far far easier for my DH to remain as the 'Dad' and be that fugure in his life.

Equally, I feel his ex respects the role I have taken as I do not want any parenting involvement and therefore my DH and his ex co-parent fairly effectively.

To quickly answer your q re my ex dh moving to Oz:

a) he wouldn't or, if he did, he wouldn't try to remove ds from his sister and stepfather.

b) I have been with dh#2 since ds was 2 and he's now nearly 11. DH#2 has been in his life as a perm fixture for longer than his father was (amicable, I don;t have an issue with that).

c) As dh#2 does have PR, YES he could stop DH#1 taking ds to Australia

but we all behave like civilised adults as I have an amicable divorce and I'd be absolutely gobsmacked if dh#1 did anything like that.

and I can't see anything illogical about my points.

Hang on " To be honest, I think expecting a man to take on kids that aren't his is selfish and indeed not in the best interests of the children."

what? Was I meant to stay alone for the rest of my life because I had a son? I can assure you my dh#2 IS VERY MUCH in the best interests of my son. He is a strong male role model, he understands him, makes a huge effort to understand his interests, takes him to play football, loves him, looks after him and is bringing him up, with me. Because we're a partnership and you love me, you do need to love my son or I'm not interested.

Areyouthere-your system works because your step son doesn't live with his father. If he had to live with you it wouldn't be fair to treat him any differently.
What people should bear in mind is that if they separarated from their partner and their DCs went to live with the partner full time (or even 50%)and the partner had DCs with the new partner then would you be happy that your DCs were second class citizens in their own home?