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Lone parents

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Original poster

Would you bother to have a relationship with someone who you knew wouldn't ever take on your kids ??

303 replies

IllegallyBrunette · 26/08/2008 20:53

Just wondering about this because of my other thread.

I don't expect any bloke I meet to launch into dad mode and promise to be there for me and my children for all eternity, but at the same time, I don't see the point of starting anything with a bloke who catergorically states that he doesn't want to take on another mans kids.

How about you ?

OP posts:
batters · 27/08/2008 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WideWebWitch · 27/08/2008 14:33

My son was a tiny 2 yo when I met dh#2. Of COURSE dh#2 cuddled him when he needed it, helped him learn things, played games with him, took him to the park, fed him, put plasters on his knee, all that stuff. he was a 2yo.

I think this is a sad thread too. I sincerely hope if I die and dh meets someone else that they won't have some of these views on step parenting.

I grew up with a stepfather who disliked me, I know what it feels like, it's most unpleasant.

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 14:34

batters - it is incredibly important that a child's loyalties aren't confused in a split family. It isn't "the more the merrier" when it comes to love and affection - it just isn't that simple.

batters · 27/08/2008 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 14:36

WWW - I don't "dislike" my stepsons - I think they are great and we do loads of stuff together (having very busy sorting out day today before we do 2 days of intensive shopping and hairdressers just the four of us ).

AreyoutherecoditsmeMargaret · 27/08/2008 14:36

"You are loving the man and not his child"

exactly! They are not the same person, his son is an individual - not a part of him. I have great fondness for him that has developed over time but I dont have the depth of feeling that I have for my kids. Equally I dont love my DH in the same way as my kids......agree love isn't finite but its not something that should or can be forced.

WideWebWitch · 27/08/2008 14:37

Children don't get confused by being loved by lots of different people! What an odd concept. My ds is fully aware that he's loved by me, dh#2, his sister, his father, my mother, my ex mil, his aunties and lots of other relatives.

batters · 27/08/2008 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AreyoutherecoditsmeMargaret · 27/08/2008 14:39

and no one has mentioned dislike anywhere

WW - his son was about 2 when we met and I did those things too........just as I would have for any 2year old who was in my company.

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 14:42

As a stepmother, you must never, ever step on the biological mother's toes in the children's eyes. She must do her motherly stuff and you must, as stepmother, ensure that your stepchildren's relationship with their own mother is never harmed by what you do for them.

I do lots of things for my stepsons that I actually feel very sad that their mother doesn't do for them. It doesn't, however, harm their relationship with their mother because she has never done those things for them.

But I must never, ever do the motherly things she does do without being quite sure that I am not confusing their loyalties.

WideWebWitch · 27/08/2008 14:43

I think that's bollocks Anna.

zippitippitoes · 27/08/2008 14:46

this all sounds painfully odd to me

i really dont think it is confusing to a child for you to love them and show it

but then i think it is more important than shopping and hairdressers

AreyoutherecoditsmeMargaret · 27/08/2008 14:47

I think its all about boundaries.........the role of a step-parent can be a thankless task, little reward and lots of criticism. Plenty of posts on MN to testify to that.

We would all be outraged if someone posted about their ex's new wife who was insisting on being called 'mummy' and wanting to go to parents evening and taking the child to do a precious 1st occasion thing. Yet we expect that new wife to have all the feelings and emotions that are tied in with being a parent. So many posts in this topic moaning about ex's new partners taking over and treading on the parents toes etc

I also strongly feel that it would not have been appopriate for me to try to be like another mother to his son. Very confusing for him, very unfair on the ex and very pressured for me.

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 14:48

You can love children without confusing loyalties or stepping on toes. If my father had remarried I wouldn't want to think that he had a new family and I was left out, and I was merely tolerated by his new wife. It is like having a cuckoo in the nest! The old children shouldn't be treated differently.
No wonder the Victorian's were able to use it as the basis of a lot of fiction.

zippitippitoes · 27/08/2008 14:51

i dont think anybody has said anything about being called mummy or indeed daddy

but this hands off idea does sound completely unpleasantly victorian

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 14:51

Where it works best Areyouthere is where all parents work together. They go to the same parents evening, all sit together in the audience of a school play etc.

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 14:52

"We would all be outraged if someone posted about their ex's new wife who was insisting on being called 'mummy' and wanting to go to parents evening and taking the child to do a precious 1st occasion thing. Yet we expect that new wife to have all the feelings and emotions that are tied in with being a parent. So many posts in this topic moaning about ex's new partners taking over and treading on the parents toes etc"

I so completely agree with this.

AreyoutherecoditsmeMargaret · 27/08/2008 14:52

he is not tolerated! He is welcomed and accepted into our home. He is not left out of anything. Should we cease to do anything when he isn't here for fear of him feeling left out?

And what about my children? They understand that I am their mummy and love them - it makes them feel specialto me.

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 14:54

Oh no AbbeyA - it is not necessarily best if all parents/stepparents troop along to school plays etc. On the contrary - they provide a wonderful and rare occasion for children from split families to see their two biological parents united in their feelings for their child. Stepparents should be very careful not to appear unless it is a very specific request from the child and both the biological parents.

zippitippitoes · 27/08/2008 14:58

of course the op was asking from the point of view of the parent with residency and a partner coming in to your life when children live with you most/all of the time

anna is talking from the point of view of someone who has them occasionally

i think if parents are jealous of their exes new relationships then that is a different thing and something they have to deal with without dragging the children through it

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 14:58

Where I have seen it work well it is wonderful for the DCs because the adults are able to leave aside petty jealousies.
You obviously have a system that suits you. All I am saying is that it wouldn't be good enough for my DS and in answer to OP I wouldn't start a relationship unless it was going to work to my satisfaction for my child.

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 15:04

zippi - this is a popular misconception. I do not have my stepsons "occasionally" - more of their life is catered for at this house than at their mother's house and they spend 50% of their nights here (but more time with their father overall than with their mother).

zippitippitoes · 27/08/2008 15:05

well if they were two and they spend more time with their dad anna then i do find your ideas very strange and alien to my views of bringing up children and step parenting

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 15:10

I don't think that your ideas of step parenting would matter, Anna, if you were the occasional step parent-it is the fact that you have them for 50% of the time, without them being a fully integrated part of your family, that is sad.

solidgoldbrass · 27/08/2008 15:14

Oh FFS the lot of you, what works in your house is fine in your house, but what is obvious here is that all of you are actually starting from different definitions of the word 'relationship' anyway. Some people (the uber-mundane viewpoint) are very into nuclear families with clearly defined and labelled roles, so new partner must become new 'parent', other people are happy to have the legal bit taken care of and everyone being nice to everyone else without worrying too much about the labelling. As long as the adults can conduct themselves sufficiently sensibly for children not to pick up on that awful weapon of childhood quarrels -'but you're not family!!!' then it really doesn't matter what other households do.