Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Would you bother to have a relationship with someone who you knew wouldn't ever take on your kids ??

303 replies

IllegallyBrunette · 26/08/2008 20:53

Just wondering about this because of my other thread.

I don't expect any bloke I meet to launch into dad mode and promise to be there for me and my children for all eternity, but at the same time, I don't see the point of starting anything with a bloke who catergorically states that he doesn't want to take on another mans kids.

How about you ?

OP posts:
FAQ · 27/08/2008 13:40

no-body says you're expected to "consider them your own" - but to treat them as if they're yours - not see them as being from a different family.

And just out of interest - why could you not "start treating my husbands mother as I do my own either!" - surely your DH's mother is now also your family? Is this this same as your relationship wtih all you out in-laws?

I find that really sad, I involve my in-laws (soon to be out-laws I guess once ex and I sort out the divorce) as much as I do my own family - and that's remained the same even since ex and I split up.

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 13:43

I agree WWW, it was very much love me, love my son. I wouldn't live with anyone who was merely tolerating him and doing their duty.
The bottom line is that I now have 3 children, 2 are biologically my DHs but emotionally he has 3 children.If he didn't see it this way we wouldn't be together.
I expect that we could manage without his parents having 3 grandchildren but I wouldn't be happy and it would make occasions like Christmas impossible, if they wanted to favour any of the children.

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 13:44

Your DH's parents are gaining a DIL if you marry, equally they are gaining step grandchildren.

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 13:47

Well of course one's relationship with one's own mother will in all probability be incredibly much closer that with one's MIL/MOL. That is just common sense.

FAQ · 27/08/2008 13:48

not necessarily so Anna - I'm much closer to my IL's than I am to my own family - and I can't see that changing any time soon.

WideWebWitch · 27/08/2008 13:52

I;m closer to Ex mil (so ex dh's mother) than I am to my own mother.

AreyoutherecoditsmeMargaret · 27/08/2008 13:57

this isn't about treating people the same - it's about feeling the same about people!

of course I involve my mil in our lives, but the responsibility for that is with my DH. I am far closer to my parents emotionally though - the same can be said for children that are mine and ones that are his.

Also, i dont believe that me not loving his son as I do my children is like treating him as a second class citizen. Thats a tremendous leap to make that judgement. My kids have friends over to play and I am warm and kind and care for them....its very similar to what i do for his sone except he visits more often!

WW - its great that your DH has done what he has but I'm pretty sure somewhere he will have a difference of feelings between his bio and non-bio. Before u get outraged by that suggestion, I will say that it doesnt necessarily mean that one way is better than the other but there will be a difference. He may not vocalise it to you though as u have such strong opinions on this. I would say though that all the things your DH is doing should be done by your childs father.

Is it not unfair to take that parenting role away from him by pushing your DH into a more fatherly role because you want him to feel that way about your child??? Why do you want him feel this way about your kids???

FAQ · 27/08/2008 14:01

ahh well I shall leave you all to it - I'm off to DP's for the rest of the day and an overnight stay - with my DS's in tow

LoveMyGirls · 27/08/2008 14:05

first reaction was god no but then I think back to the start of my relationship with dp and he did actually say that but he was only 19 within 6mths he changed his mind once I started meeting other people (we were good friends) and did step up and take dd1 on and he's a brilliant dad so now I think it depends as things can change, I even say he fell in love with dd1 first and had to have me because we came as a package!

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 14:07

All I was saying Areyouthere is that if your stepson lived with you full time you would have to treat him like your own. You didn't just get a DH you got a DS.
I am also off out, this thread won't get anywhere-except round in circles!

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 14:09

Areyouthere - but different feelings lead to different treatment, surely?

My daughter sits on my knee and has a cuddle, and she likes holding my hand in the street. She also sits on her father's knee and has a cuddle, and holds his hand in the street.

My DSS2 loves doing those things with his father too. But not with me - and vice versa.

So "treatment" is different.

Obviously when it comes to purely material things like washing sheets, cleaning bedrooms, providing favourite foods, having friends over etc all the children get even turns (without obsessing about it).

AreyoutherecoditsmeMargaret · 27/08/2008 14:11

why would I have to???

he is not my son and I am not his mother. Absolutely no sense in trying to make it so because of some warped logic.

zippitippitoes · 27/08/2008 14:15

but if you become a step parent to chuldren who are young then syurely you kiss and cuddle them? and have them on your lap and in your bed etc

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 14:17

zippi - perhaps... but they would have to be very young and not mind. Not all stepchildren, even very young ones, want kisses and cuddles from a stepparent. You have to be very careful about those boundaries.

I never go into my stepsons bedroom uninvited when they are here - it's their personal space. I would never exercise that kind of restraint with my own child.

AreyoutherecoditsmeMargaret · 27/08/2008 14:17

yes I agree Anna - I don't cuddle or hug him...he'd be horrified if I did I imagine!!! He does like a bit of a 'manly' hug from his dad though!

I meant really treatment in terms of practical treatment. Some posters seem to have the impression that he's sat in cupboard under the stairs eating stale bread while we are on the verrandah with cream tea

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 14:20

Areyouthere - oh I know, some posters jump to the conclusion when I say that I don't give the children "equal treatment" that I must be making material distinctions. I don't make any in the day-to-day scheme of things though I do have to put in a bit of effort not to do too much for my stepsons (who have been brought up with a nanny who waits on them hand and foot). It could easily degenerate into a system here where life revolves entirely around entertaining them when they are with us, and cleaning and tidying up after them when they aren't.

zippitippitoes · 27/08/2008 14:21

it all sounds very distant to me

ds yopu used to get in between me and exp in bed and chat and he was a teenager

i have friends children on my lap and cuddle them

i cant imagine having a aprtner with children and keeping them at arms length

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 14:22

zippi - I think it is just as much about the children wanting to keep their boundaries intact as the stepparent wanting to. Children want to have that special cuddly relationship with their parents.

batters · 27/08/2008 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zippitippitoes · 27/08/2008 14:27

i think cjhildren like being loved it isnt like lov e is a finite thing there is plenty more to come and its free

what about children at nurseries and things they get cuddles and im sure they welcome them

i dont think cuddles are something only a childs biological parent gives

children learn from your reactions ery few will reject love freely given you arent replacing someone else you adding to the total feeling of security and contentment

WideWebWitch · 27/08/2008 14:29

Areyoutherecod oh don't make assumptions about what my dh does and doesn't feel, you don't know me.

Ex dh (ds's father) does many of these things TOO. He just doesn't live with us.

You say "Is it not unfair to take that parenting role away from him by pushing your DH into a more fatherly role because you want him to feel that way about your child??? Why do you want him feel this way about your kids??? "

Er, I haven't PUSHED my dh#2 into ANYTHING. He has chosen to be a decent stepfather to my son, that was the deal. I think ds will grow up and look back with great fondness on the part his stepfather played in his childhood and upbringing. And I'm not taking any parenting role away from ex dh but the reality is that he's not married to me, dh#2 is.

batters · 27/08/2008 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbbeyA · 27/08/2008 14:29

I think it is all rather cold. You are loving the man and not his child.

Anna8888 · 27/08/2008 14:32

zippi - no, there are relationships that are more intimate than others and it is very important not to overstep the boundaries and confuse them. And with stepparenting that is particularly true.

AreyoutherecoditsmeMargaret · 27/08/2008 14:32

don't feel sad. My husbands son has 2 parents who love and care for him very very much (just as my children do). He also has a very involved extended family and 2 other adults in his life who care for him and want the best.

no conflict or animosity, no power struggles, no arguments