Ex refuses to agree to DD’s choice of big school - school starts in 3 days

[NooNooMummy]

Please help!!! How do I help DD? Will local authority listen to her if she can advocate for herself? How can she?

It’s 3 days til school starts.
Agreed a court order last year that set out which schools we agree to apply to. (I went along with it to avoid trouble from ex). Offered a place at DD’s favourite, some friends going there etc etc. it’s v pro-girl and they’ve been v supportive. Accepted the offer, DD super excited. She also has a full bursary for a really, lovely non-state school but DD’s not as keen on it.

Another offer arrived from the school that is set out on the state-school application form as our 1st preference, and ex insists that DD go there. Spent whole summer faffing about in court and told, with an apology, that it’s too late to change the earlier order. DD is distraught.

Ex has weaponised this whole situation for the last 2 years (amongst other things since DD was 2). CAFCASS found him to be coercively controlling and noted the impact on DD’s emotional wellbeing of this abuse. He’s chosen to have minimal involvement in DD’s life other than causing trouble like this for us. Have an upcoming hearing for a non-mol, which I should have done years ago.
But what can I can do right now for DD?

The other school is very helpful and supportive - it is not for me to suggest that they are holding a place for her cos obviously schools can’t do that. She also still has a place available at small private with full bursary.
The order of preference was not mine -it was court ordered.(I should have been more vocal at that stage, stupidly didn’t foresee her dad forcing her to go to some unsuitable when much better options offered…) See earlier posts on this thread

For the record, single-sex/ religion have never been discussed. He’s raised no arguments in favour or against them. He has only discussed religion when making untrue claims that I’ve been fraudulent about whether DD is Christian/ attends church - and, at the same time, he’d accepted a lower preference school offered, which was also a Christian school.

But what is unsuitable about it? And once it was first it was first you can’t change the preferences at all?

Many reasons why other schools considered were more suitable (eg DD is ‘meeting or exceeding,’ wanted to be ‘top set’ ie interested in and has potential academically; this school doesn’t perform particularly well in exam tables and appears to be about lifting up
less academically able kids - fabulous! - but that’s not the right environment for DD. And she just doesn’t want to be there now she’s seeing her friends go off to those more demanding schools that have higher expectations of them. She was sooo proud to have been offered a place, was looking forward to getting to know people there when she was offered a place...

I did state my reservations about the academic differences between the schools considered about the journey being less straight-forward to the now ‘no.1’ school and about girls doing better in all-girl schools, which I included in my submission to court last year prior to the judgement about in which order the schools were to be listed on the eadmissions form.

I guess the mistake I made was that I tried to be fair and note some positives about this ‘no.1’ school too. Whilst he was extremely opposed to anything he saw as ‘my preferences’ so the judge tried to be fair and unbiased and cobbled together a list that wasn’t entirely unfair to either one of us. I vomited when I saw it. But tried to make the best of it cos naming the schools in a particular order on the admissions form is one thing but, obviously, you then accept the best place offered, right?. And you take into account your child’s expression of their wishes. And the fact that CAFCASS has recorded those wishes this summer….

The thing being, there was always a risk that the first preference would be offered, either because it's first preference or from a waiting list place, that's the way school admissions work. You would have had the first preference not offer at all for it to default to second preference. Admissions doesn't take into account your child's expression of wishes particularly if the order of preference is court ordered. Unfortunately the outcome has been something neither you or your dd want, but that's the nature of the game, it takes away freedom and choice.
Been there, done that and worm the t shirt. All I can say is that the children grow, as they get older their voices are more heard. At the moment it's about complying with the order and working to see if it can be reviewed.

Thought I’d give you all an update. In case you didn’t know, the family courts are broken!

The court has now ordered that the existing court order can’t be changed* So DD can’t accept her place at the great school and I can’t apply for an in-year transfer unless her dad agrees; and it is pretty clear that he won’t.

• ie because he got another school to be listed as a higher preference on the eAdmissions form, because he got it to offer a last minute place, and because he accepted the place without consulting me and DD (and locked me out of eAdmissions), it overrides the place offered and accepted for the great school. Apparently, I should have appealed against his order of preference on the eAdmissions form earlier. And now my mental health is in question for trying to correct this now; and care proceedings will be considered if I continue to pursue the matter!)

DD and I have received support from Refuge/ Women’s Aid, a local DV organisation, and been known to police, since 2015. But, apparently, he still gets to dictate that she has to go to a crap school.

So that’s it. Thanks for all your support.

@NooNooMummy I am sorry.

Had your DD started at dad’s choice of school?

Yes, of course. She had no choice. It’ll be fine.

For the record, he had almost zero involvement with primary school, resisted committing to contact with her, has minimal contact, provides zero financial support etc etc

You do know that once she reaches a certain age her voice CAN be heard. If at this point she chooses to refuse seeing her Dad the court will listen. I can see her turning on him for refusing to let her attend her chosen school,

What an arsehole he is.

…me shouting at the judge/ telling her what I thought of the family courts probably didn’t help 😳

What an arsehole he is. Your poor DD.

The problem has always been though that the school form application needs to be unchangeable otherwise it would cause havoc to the system there was very little they could do

Oh fuck you didn't? This was really stupid. You need to get ahold of yourself.

Also a court will see your tears as impacting on your daughter so be careful to ensure you are not seen as adding to the emotions/manipulating your daughter. Your ex will be able to use this successfully against you

Op, I wrote this earlier in the thread. I get that secondary school is a major transition so something parents get concerned about.. but I think you have closed the door on the possibility of changing schools because of your reactions.

A judge will always look to find a compromise between parents. It was never going to be about the best school, only the school that both parents could find some agreement on. You said yourself you made a mistake by agreeing to list his choice first. Once it was locked in by a court order the chance of a reversal was practically nil..judges hate seeing matters before them again if they believed it was settled.

A judge will listen to a child's preference IF they believe the parent hasn't heavily influenced the child.

I would encourage you (for your own sake) and that of your daughter's to make peace with the decision. Perhaps a change in a few years but I suspect your ex has rigid thinking and won't allow a change until 6th form. Please be reassured children can cope with schools but they struggle to cope with parents hostility.

This only stopped for us when ex lost parental rights at about that age. Go the full hog. She goes to the school she wants and you get a lawyer the same day.
It’s roughly what we did. By the time it got to court they’d been in the new school for a year and no court was going to change that for a parent they didn’t see. We pushed for everything at that hearing and didn’t expect to win it all. We did. It’s was my 5th time yo court but the only time it was me that took him.

You should really read the OP's posts before commenting. None of what you've said here is possible.

Wallywobbles none of what you've written is possible in this case.
Ah, unfortunately losing it with a judge is not good (tempting though it often is) because judges just clamp down harder if they see that sort of behaviour.
I'm saddened for you that this has happened but now it's a case of making the best you can of the situation. See what clubs she could get involved in etc

She goes to the school she wants and you get a lawyer the same day.

Setting aside how ill-advised it would be for OP to flagrantly violate an order from the court for the sake of a school preference, this has never been an option. The schools involved know there’s a court order and absolutely won’t go against it.

Further to this, urging everyone to sign here, and share, to show that you care about the delay to Jade’s Law - how can any issue of parental responsibility ever be dealt with properly when government can’t even be bothered to get around to enacting this law?
https://lnkd.in/e_SGGdt8