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Original poster

Ex refuses to agree to DD’s choice of big school - school starts in 3 days

170 replies

NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 11:13

Please help!!! How do I help DD? Will local authority listen to her if she can advocate for herself? How can she?

It’s 3 days til school starts.
Agreed a court order last year that set out which schools we agree to apply to. (I went along with it to avoid trouble from ex). Offered a place at DD’s favourite, some friends going there etc etc. it’s v pro-girl and they’ve been v supportive. Accepted the offer, DD super excited. She also has a full bursary for a really, lovely non-state school but DD’s not as keen on it.

Another offer arrived from the school that is set out on the state-school application form as our 1st preference, and ex insists that DD go there. Spent whole summer faffing about in court and told, with an apology, that it’s too late to change the earlier order. DD is distraught.

Ex has weaponised this whole situation for the last 2 years (amongst other things since DD was 2). CAFCASS found him to be coercively controlling and noted the impact on DD’s emotional wellbeing of this abuse. He’s chosen to have minimal involvement in DD’s life other than causing trouble like this for us. Have an upcoming hearing for a non-mol, which I should have done years ago.
But what can I can do right now for DD?

OP posts:
Original poster
NooNooMummy · 02/09/2025 08:50

Her preference is single-sex and has religious affiliation.

OP posts:
GravyBoatWars · 02/09/2025 10:38

NooNooMummy · 02/09/2025 08:50

Her preference is single-sex and has religious affiliation.

One parent expressing a strong objection to a faith-based education is the type of thing a court will consider seriously, so that fits.

TickingKey46 · 02/09/2025 21:12

So just to confirm. Went to court had a list of agreed schools, from first preference down. Your daughter was excepted at one of the schools (but not the first place) you excepted the offer (with out dad knowing and consenting) then later on the first preference offered her a place, which he agreed to again (with out your consent or knowledge). So she's now due to go to the 1st preference school, the one that dad chose, but she doesnt want to go? Is that correct?

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 03/09/2025 12:03

TickingKey46 · 02/09/2025 21:12

So just to confirm. Went to court had a list of agreed schools, from first preference down. Your daughter was excepted at one of the schools (but not the first place) you excepted the offer (with out dad knowing and consenting) then later on the first preference offered her a place, which he agreed to again (with out your consent or knowledge). So she's now due to go to the 1st preference school, the one that dad chose, but she doesnt want to go? Is that correct?

No. Please see earlier posts.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 03/09/2025 16:50

Which school is she starting at? She needs to go and I can see that they may well go on the 1st preference choice here

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 03/09/2025 17:00

Yes, have heard that she still has a place where she wants to go but they need a court order to accept her transfer.

So many tears today, I could not drag her to where she’s ordered to go. Am trying tomorrow. It’s all madness. She’s been wearing the uniform of the school she wants to go to and doing video calls with friends - really mad. Now being threatened by ex’s solicitor for failing to take her and daring to ask again for alternatives. He’s going to try to take her if I don’t get her there. Part of me wants to give up but I can’t just let her be dragged there. We’ll go quietly ourselves tomorrow. So many tears from her (and me).

OP posts:
Original poster
NooNooMummy · 03/09/2025 17:04

I’ve asked the court’s permission to apply for an order but terrified - really think they’re going to say No Too late again or worse. And he’s taking me to court for this ‘abuse’ of our daughter. How can a solicitor just make up stuff, ignore all the other stuff and present it to court like that? I don’t know how she sleeps at night.

OP posts:
Lightuptheroom · 03/09/2025 17:08

There really shouldn't be any dragging involved, take a step back, calm down. The solicitor isn't threatening you, they are telling you of the outcome if the court order isn't followed. Now is not the time to be asking about alternatives, that's a legal process to follow and his solicitor is allowed to inform you of what will happen as you are effectively creating a breach of the order.
I'm not criticising, I've been where you are and it's easy to feel victimised and got at.
Set it up that he's taking her for the rest of this week, no drama, just fact. If she responds in exactly the same way to his efforts then you can't be told that its you causing the issues.

Tiswa · 03/09/2025 17:11

What is it about the other school though because taking out the ex stuff going to a school that isn’t your first choice is a fairly common event. Changing schools during year 7 happens

Lightuptheroom · 03/09/2025 17:14

Please remember that solicitors are paid to write what they are told. She can present it like that because there is a court order saying it. There hasn't been any variation to that order, so that order can be enforced.
Read any communication like they are addressing it to another 3rd party, it will help you differentiate between what you have to respond to and what basically amounts to mud slinging. Take the 'he said she said' out of it, judges don't want to know how much you dislike each other etc, they know. On what grounds are you referring it back to court? You're going to struggle if it's basically your daughter doesn't like the idea.
Also, don't allow the sitting in another uniform drama with friends thing, at the moment she isn't going to her choice and may not be going at all

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 03/09/2025 17:16

Lightuptheroom · 03/09/2025 17:08

There really shouldn't be any dragging involved, take a step back, calm down. The solicitor isn't threatening you, they are telling you of the outcome if the court order isn't followed. Now is not the time to be asking about alternatives, that's a legal process to follow and his solicitor is allowed to inform you of what will happen as you are effectively creating a breach of the order.
I'm not criticising, I've been where you are and it's easy to feel victimised and got at.
Set it up that he's taking her for the rest of this week, no drama, just fact. If she responds in exactly the same way to his efforts then you can't be told that its you causing the issues.

Thank you. It feels cruel to make her go with him (She doesn’t want to)
I am a solicitor myself so I do understand the enforceability of the situation- it’s just inhumane. I couldn’t work in family law!

OP posts:
Original poster
NooNooMummy · 03/09/2025 17:22

Tiswa · 03/09/2025 17:11

What is it about the other school though because taking out the ex stuff going to a school that isn’t your first choice is a fairly common event. Changing schools during year 7 happens

Very different school - one gets excellent results; one doesn’t arguably
one is pro-girl; has high expectations; one doesn’t
my daughter now had her heart set on one of them (that had offered her a place! And is oversubscribed); she’s gone off the other one;
she was looking forward to being with particular friends, is v shy and needed that support of some familiar faces; she’s on her own at the other and making it worse by delaying just going;
one is easy to get to; the other is less so;
she likes the uniform of one but not the other (She has both!)
one is where she’s being forced to go by her dad; the other isn’t

OP posts:
Lightuptheroom · 03/09/2025 17:26

You need to step away from those feelings. Family law is often very cruel, your problems would pale into insignificance for many of the cases family law courts see. It's not inhumane, that's a big statement for basically accepting a different school place

Lightuptheroom · 03/09/2025 17:31

You're also in territory where it could come across as you agreeing with an 11 year old rather than just accepting the current situation until something might be changed. Because there is no guarantee the court will vary the order (which you've already said you agreed to when it was made) then you also need to remove 'this is the school her dad is making her go to' from anything to do with this case or the judge will simply side stare that it's an argument between spiteful parents.
You've said you're a solicitor, why did you agree to the order in the first place because you must have a certain amount of knowledge of how these things can be enforced

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 03/09/2025 17:32

Lightuptheroom · 03/09/2025 17:26

You need to step away from those feelings. Family law is often very cruel, your problems would pale into insignificance for many of the cases family law courts see. It's not inhumane, that's a big statement for basically accepting a different school place

Edited

I’ve been in court and on the receiving end of their decisions and seen the way that they’re made. I don’t think that inhumane is incorrect. But I appreciate that you’ll have seen far worse than my ex

OP posts:
Lightuptheroom · 03/09/2025 17:38

Just trying to give an outside perspective... My ex beat me viciously, the court still ordered that I give him a 2 year old at specific times because he hadn't abused the child, it was only later that I realised that the judge had actually created a very very restricted order which was nowhere near what my ex was asking for.
I see the problem with school places every day but I also see outcomes where no matter much a family want a particular school, it can't be given. They appeal, the answer is still no, they go on a waiting list, the answer is still no. Yes, your ex has contributed to the problem, but he's not the cause.

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 03/09/2025 17:44

Lightuptheroom · 03/09/2025 17:14

Please remember that solicitors are paid to write what they are told. She can present it like that because there is a court order saying it. There hasn't been any variation to that order, so that order can be enforced.
Read any communication like they are addressing it to another 3rd party, it will help you differentiate between what you have to respond to and what basically amounts to mud slinging. Take the 'he said she said' out of it, judges don't want to know how much you dislike each other etc, they know. On what grounds are you referring it back to court? You're going to struggle if it's basically your daughter doesn't like the idea.
Also, don't allow the sitting in another uniform drama with friends thing, at the moment she isn't going to her choice and may not be going at all

Yes. However, I didn’t really get to choose - it was the only way I could see to stop my ex from objecting to every single school application I made - he started proceedings to try to have me prohibited from applying to schools unless he consented to the application. And, stupidly, I thought ‘he’ll do the right thing’ if there’s a choice and her feelings/welfare come into it. He’s made it clear that, for him, it’s not really about the schools - just 2 months ago, he took her to the 4th school on the list, despite the offer from her by then favourite school The court had to order him stop trying to prevent me from accept the higher offer. And it was the final hearing in the matter (s91(14) also ordered to my relief).

OP posts:
Original poster
NooNooMummy · 03/09/2025 17:47

The court determined which schools I could apply to taking both of our views into account

OP posts:
TickingKey46 · 03/09/2025 18:00

Omg it's such a tangled mess, im so sorry I feel for you, but most of all I feel for your daughter. I myself have had many many court hearings, from a vindictive and controlling father. I fear this situation will just rumble on and on. He clearly enjoys using the court system to punish you and isn't concerned about his daughter. Personally in your situation (and in hindsight) I wouldn't be trying to change a court order i would be telling her she has to go. I know it's sad but I think the situations only going to get worse for her if you dont! This could rumble on for months, and the outcome still not change.
Maybe try and link her up with other children who are going, be positive about it and move on.

Tiswa · 03/09/2025 18:01

NooNooMummy · 03/09/2025 17:22

Very different school - one gets excellent results; one doesn’t arguably
one is pro-girl; has high expectations; one doesn’t
my daughter now had her heart set on one of them (that had offered her a place! And is oversubscribed); she’s gone off the other one;
she was looking forward to being with particular friends, is v shy and needed that support of some familiar faces; she’s on her own at the other and making it worse by delaying just going;
one is easy to get to; the other is less so;
she likes the uniform of one but not the other (She has both!)
one is where she’s being forced to go by her dad; the other isn’t

Show quote history

Taking out the horror of the ex though they aren’t reasons that a court would have to go against a court order and you must know that

she has gone off the other one must mean that at some point she did and with respect I wonder how much this is the two of you feeding off each other. Becuase hundreds of children are not going to their first choice primary secondary and sixth form

the only point is distance and getting to it

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 03/09/2025 18:22

Yep, seems that getting an offer from an. oversubscribed girls school where she’ll have the support of some familiar faces is not enough to trump the actions of her father. And because it’s enshrined in a court order, she can never move to that girls school.

OP posts:
Original poster
NooNooMummy · 03/09/2025 18:25

…nor can she accept the full bursary to go to a really nice, private school which offers exceptional pastoral support and nurturing.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 03/09/2025 18:31

but she is like a lot of children going to an oversubscribed mixed comprehensive

I know it seems harsh re familiar faces but she will adapt sometimes going with friends can be just as much as hindrance as a help

yoi have to start making the most of this and that includes building her up to go to this school best case she gets to move
to one she wants worse case you could end up a school refuser and having been there you don’t want that

Wishitsnows · 03/09/2025 18:34

No advice but what an evil bastard who doesn’t deserve the name dad. No doubt he will be claiming parent alienation when your dd refuses to see him anymore when she is allowed to have her say. I know someone who offered 8 primary schools she was happy for her child to go to in walking distance the ex took her to court and now she has to drive 20 mins each morning where the child has no local friends near her as they all go to the local schools. The child hates him for making her go but is only 9 so doesn’t have a say yet.

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 03/09/2025 18:45

Wishitsnows · 03/09/2025 18:34

No advice but what an evil bastard who doesn’t deserve the name dad. No doubt he will be claiming parent alienation when your dd refuses to see him anymore when she is allowed to have her say. I know someone who offered 8 primary schools she was happy for her child to go to in walking distance the ex took her to court and now she has to drive 20 mins each morning where the child has no local friends near her as they all go to the local schools. The child hates him for making her go but is only 9 so doesn’t have a say yet.

Sounds familiar. People don’t believe this can happen. But it does.

OP posts: