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Original poster

Ex refuses to agree to DD’s choice of big school - school starts in 3 days

170 replies

NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 11:13

Please help!!! How do I help DD? Will local authority listen to her if she can advocate for herself? How can she?

It’s 3 days til school starts.
Agreed a court order last year that set out which schools we agree to apply to. (I went along with it to avoid trouble from ex). Offered a place at DD’s favourite, some friends going there etc etc. it’s v pro-girl and they’ve been v supportive. Accepted the offer, DD super excited. She also has a full bursary for a really, lovely non-state school but DD’s not as keen on it.

Another offer arrived from the school that is set out on the state-school application form as our 1st preference, and ex insists that DD go there. Spent whole summer faffing about in court and told, with an apology, that it’s too late to change the earlier order. DD is distraught.

Ex has weaponised this whole situation for the last 2 years (amongst other things since DD was 2). CAFCASS found him to be coercively controlling and noted the impact on DD’s emotional wellbeing of this abuse. He’s chosen to have minimal involvement in DD’s life other than causing trouble like this for us. Have an upcoming hearing for a non-mol, which I should have done years ago.
But what can I can do right now for DD?

OP posts:
Dozer · 31/08/2025 14:01

It’s unfortunate if the court order didn’t explain what would happen in this (likely) scenario, but presumably the order of schools is as was decreed, with the school she’d attend dependent on availability of places, so the court decision was the point at which you lost your preference.

I’m confused by your last post, but I think you’re saying that your DD doesn’t wish to discuss her preference for the 2nd choice school with her father, but that there could be a chance he could relent? from what you say about him it seems unlikely he’ll change his mind should she speak to him.

beAsensible1 · 31/08/2025 14:01

NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 13:31

No. The more recent offer from ‘1st preference’ supersedes the other offer cos he’s accepting it. (He could agree to reject it and the offer from the favourite school would be the place she’s allocated by the local authority. The court says it’s too late to change the court order that directed the order of preference in which the schools were to be listed).

Edited
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Why can’t you accept the other one first? Just do it

BeeCucumber · 31/08/2025 14:04

I’m confused - can you just send your daughter to the school of her choice?

sittingonabeach · 31/08/2025 14:05

I’m still mightily confused by how many offers you have had.

titchy · 31/08/2025 14:05

If it’s already been to court she has to go the school that has now offered her a place. So for now, she and you have to accept that is where she will start next week - and you will have to try and get her to see the good points in the school. Then once she’s started, and given it a good go - till Christmas at least, maybe reevaluate, and if there is still a vacancy at her preferred school, take it to court again. At least this time you’ll be arguing from experience that she isn't happy there.

NightPuffins · 31/08/2025 14:06

Does DD have direct contact with her father herself, outside of the monthly visit? Might he listen to her saying her preferred choice, rather than you saying it? He sounds like a selfish arrogant bully. If he’s claiming he’s acting in your DD’s best interest, surely he has to pay some attention to her telling him direct what she wants to do?

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 14:12

Anothercoffeeafter3 · 31/08/2025 13:59

Which school is expecting her on Monday? That’s where I would be sending her if it’s her choice and I would happily face court for that

My feelings too! And DD has asked me to do that. (For her, it would be easier than talking to her dad it seems!). Don’t even know if I can. And I really don’t want to without knowing that we can.

OP posts:
Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 14:12

Penalties for breaching the order would be really severe. No?

OP posts:
Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 14:16

titchy · 31/08/2025 14:05

If it’s already been to court she has to go the school that has now offered her a place. So for now, she and you have to accept that is where she will start next week - and you will have to try and get her to see the good points in the school. Then once she’s started, and given it a good go - till Christmas at least, maybe reevaluate, and if there is still a vacancy at her preferred school, take it to court again. At least this time you’ll be arguing from experience that she isn't happy there.

Yes, this seems to be the view of the grown-ups. Try telling that to an 11 year old.

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 31/08/2025 14:18

At what age do court take child’s feeling into account. If dad has said this is the school she has to go to isn’t he then responsible for getting her there

BabyCatFace · 31/08/2025 14:24

NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 14:12

Penalties for breaching the order would be really severe. No?

No. The worst case scenario would be that she would have to leave the school she started at and move to the other school, but a) they probably won't still have a place for her and b) it's unlikely a judge would decide that once she's started and her wishes are taken into consideration.
i don't understand how she's been offered two different schools. Surely once you accept the first offer you don't get any more?

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 14:24

beelegal · 31/08/2025 12:04

Very confusing, which school does your daughter prefer? And which does ex prefer?

He’pressed the button.’ Without my consent. And locked me out of the system (password changed?). That’s all done now. And backed-up by the court now.

OP posts:
Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 14:27

BabyCatFace · 31/08/2025 14:24

No. The worst case scenario would be that she would have to leave the school she started at and move to the other school, but a) they probably won't still have a place for her and b) it's unlikely a judge would decide that once she's started and her wishes are taken into consideration.
i don't understand how she's been offered two different schools. Surely once you accept the first offer you don't get any more?

Show quote history

The local authority and school understood my position so were holding both places. (Not great, I know).
I just see me ending up in jail/ labelled a total mad woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 14:29

BabyCatFace · 31/08/2025 14:24

No. The worst case scenario would be that she would have to leave the school she started at and move to the other school, but a) they probably won't still have a place for her and b) it's unlikely a judge would decide that once she's started and her wishes are taken into consideration.
i don't understand how she's been offered two different schools. Surely once you accept the first offer you don't get any more?

Show quote history

Are you legally qualified?

OP posts:
YanTanTetheraPetheraBumfitt · 31/08/2025 14:30

If the school she prefers will take her/are accepting her then I’d send her there next week. Yes your ex may take it all back to court. But surely at that stage she goes to court as well and talks to the judge. Decisions are meant to be in the best interest of the child so I’d be hoping the judge wouldn’t make a child move schools once she’s started.

The caveat is what consequences might there be for you???? I’d be asking my solicitor about that first thing tomorrow. I guess you need to make sure the judge isn’t likely to go nuts and hand custody to your ex (seems unlikely but ask a professional).

Dolphinnoises · 31/08/2025 14:32

Assuming you’re in England, f the ex’s school was further up the priority list, and your ex has accepted the place, it’s game over and the second choice (your DD’s preferred) school will not be expecting her. I feel very sorry for you, but the only thing you can do now is get the uniform for this school and take steps to get DD on an in-year application for the school she prefers - there’s a lot of movement at the start of the year but you might not get a result for a few weeks

Dozer · 31/08/2025 14:35

‘Backed up by the court, now’: from what you’ve said it seems that your ex’s preference was what the court decided on, back then, at the time of the court case outcome.

What has your solicitor said about the requirement from the court and what the penalty could be for not implementing the court decision?

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 14:36

Thank you everyone
I came here wondering how to get my daughter’s voice heard. (Can she speak to the local authority? How to do that?) And now i’m
on the verge of breaking the law if her school will have her.

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 31/08/2025 14:36

@Dolphinnoises but OP had already accepted the offer from the other school, surely that takes precedence where the schools are concerned.

sittingonabeach · 31/08/2025 14:37

@NooNooMummy can your DD speak to court

BabyCatFace · 31/08/2025 14:38

NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 14:29

Are you legally qualified?

Show quote history

No, just well versed in family courts professionally, but getting some legal advice tomorrow is a good idea.

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 14:41

sittingonabeach · 31/08/2025 14:36

@Dolphinnoises but OP had already accepted the offer from the other school, surely that takes precedence where the schools are concerned.

He objected to me accepting the place (He claimed daughter didn’t want it, she could go to previously offered 4th preference school, that I’d lied/ committed fraud re specific criteria to be met for DD’s favourite school etc etc) So local authority and school asked for court clarification. In the meantime ‘1st preference’ school offered a place, he accepted it. And here we are.

OP posts:
Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 14:42

BabyCatFace · 31/08/2025 14:38

No, just well versed in family courts professionally, but getting some legal advice tomorrow is a good idea.

Show quote history

Thank you. Will do

OP posts:
Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 14:44

sittingonabeach · 31/08/2025 14:37

@NooNooMummy can your DD speak to court

Wouldn’t even know where to begin to do that. And how to do that in 3 days. And, I’m sure the court would be furious with me if I tried

OP posts:
titchy · 31/08/2025 14:45

NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 14:16

Yes, this seems to be the view of the grown-ups. Try telling that to an 11 year old.

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Well you’ll have to…. You’re her parent. Your job is to tell her stuff she doesn’t want to hear. Plenty of kids go to secondary schools they’re not happy about - maybe because all their friends are going to the local requires improvement whereas their parents have decided on the outstanding a bus ride away. Mostly they settle quite quickly, and realise that they wouldn’t have remained friends with those they already knew anyway.

I sympathise, but unless there is a very good reason she can’t go to the now allocated school you’ll both have to suck it up for now.