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Original poster

Ex refuses to agree to DD’s choice of big school - school starts in 3 days

170 replies

NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 11:13

Please help!!! How do I help DD? Will local authority listen to her if she can advocate for herself? How can she?

It’s 3 days til school starts.
Agreed a court order last year that set out which schools we agree to apply to. (I went along with it to avoid trouble from ex). Offered a place at DD’s favourite, some friends going there etc etc. it’s v pro-girl and they’ve been v supportive. Accepted the offer, DD super excited. She also has a full bursary for a really, lovely non-state school but DD’s not as keen on it.

Another offer arrived from the school that is set out on the state-school application form as our 1st preference, and ex insists that DD go there. Spent whole summer faffing about in court and told, with an apology, that it’s too late to change the earlier order. DD is distraught.

Ex has weaponised this whole situation for the last 2 years (amongst other things since DD was 2). CAFCASS found him to be coercively controlling and noted the impact on DD’s emotional wellbeing of this abuse. He’s chosen to have minimal involvement in DD’s life other than causing trouble like this for us. Have an upcoming hearing for a non-mol, which I should have done years ago.
But what can I can do right now for DD?

OP posts:
Pleasealexa · 03/09/2025 18:57

I think you need to stand back and see how a judge would view this

Your ex could reasonably argue that single sex & religious is against his ethos and that at 11 your daughter won't have enough maturity to make a decision.

A judge will also look at tangibles, which school is easier to get to, are their any subjects/sports at your preferred school not available at ex's preferred school? However you agreed with 1st preference so that's going to be hard to back away from. It does look whimsical to now decide to change schools, based on friends. Other factors will be more important.

Also a court will see your tears as impacting on your daughter so be careful to ensure you are not seen as adding to the emotions/manipulating your daughter. Your ex will be able to use this successfully against you

Perhaps you will have to accept your daughter goes to ex's preferred school, gives it 6 months and if she isn't thriving you can ask to move. I think a judge would be more likely to move at that stage.

Be assured children can move schools yr7 and not have massive impact.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 03/09/2025 19:07

Go back to court. Talk to both schools.

titchy · 03/09/2025 19:17

Pleasealexa · 03/09/2025 18:57

I think you need to stand back and see how a judge would view this

Your ex could reasonably argue that single sex & religious is against his ethos and that at 11 your daughter won't have enough maturity to make a decision.

A judge will also look at tangibles, which school is easier to get to, are their any subjects/sports at your preferred school not available at ex's preferred school? However you agreed with 1st preference so that's going to be hard to back away from. It does look whimsical to now decide to change schools, based on friends. Other factors will be more important.

Also a court will see your tears as impacting on your daughter so be careful to ensure you are not seen as adding to the emotions/manipulating your daughter. Your ex will be able to use this successfully against you

Perhaps you will have to accept your daughter goes to ex's preferred school, gives it 6 months and if she isn't thriving you can ask to move. I think a judge would be more likely to move at that stage.

Be assured children can move schools yr7 and not have massive impact.

She’s been advised to do this many times, but even having been to court twice, is still playing the ‘your dad’s picked a crap school and you shouldn’t have to go there’ card. Rather than saying ‘Right, you have to try and make the best of it. There’ll be lots of new people who won’t know anyone and will be keen to make friends with you, there’s a netball club and a year 7 computing club you can join, and the canteen looks great so give it a go at least for a term.’

Clearly shitty parenting from her dad, but her mum isn’t exactly helping her dd to navigate this rather tricky stage of life. She’s more keen on proving her ex is shit than being the stable parent.

titchy · 03/09/2025 19:19

There are tens of thousands of year 7 kids starting at secondary schools they don’t want to go to. They all have to get on with it. She’s no different.

JaneEyre40 · 03/09/2025 19:21

Her post is completely clear. Why can't people read? Definitely send her to the school she wants, it doesn't sound like he likes hard work so you should be fine. Once she starts there the court won't remove her.

Pleasealexa · 03/09/2025 19:25

Definitely send her to the school she wants

If it's court ordered, as it's the 1st preference, she shouldn't disregard an order, especially if the poster is a solicitor herself.

Tiswa · 03/09/2025 19:26

I suspect the only way she can do that is to reject the 1st oreference school to open up the other place - the schools themselves will want to follow the court order!

At the moment what the OPs daughter needs is for the OP to start the process of her trying the school

Lightuptheroom · 03/09/2025 20:03

the op can't send the daughter to the school the daughter is wanting as there is a court order specifying that the first preference must be attended. The school wanted by daughter will not go against a court order. The school preferred by the daughter have made it very clear they won't accept her without a new ruling, which the OP doesn't yet have.
My ds was accepted on a full bursary into a very prestigious independent school, ec wouldn't sign the forms so he couldn't go, we had to find another route through.
At the moment you risk alienating a judge if you can get a hearing because you'll appear to want to breach the order which has now been discussed in court twice.
Your daughter needs to try to understand that at the moment the school allocated is her school, same as for millions of Year 7s every year who don't get a place allocated at any of the parental preferences
There is no mechanism in OP's case to reject the first preference and accept the second as there is no court order in place to allow that

Goldbar · 03/09/2025 20:11

I'd tell your ex that if he wants your DD to go to the first preference school, he'd better get his arse round to your house with a complete school uniform for that school.

Tiswa · 03/09/2025 21:03

I think in all of this there is a very delicate young 11 year old who needs some stability and careful handling @NooNooMummy I know it is hard and I know it isn’t what you want but actually trying to get her to at least start this school is what you need to do

JellyBeanSpring25 · 03/09/2025 21:22

If the school you want her to go to is a private school, then the “preference list” submitted to the LA still stands surely? So both schools will have a place?

In my area, where good state schools are (very) oversubscribed, parents often also apply to private as well so if they don’t get into the ‘preferred good’ school, they have another option open.

Not sure what advice can be given. Personally I’d send my child to the school she and I wanted but that’s a risk in breaking the court order. But I’m not a lawyer and I don’t know what the consequences would be! Whatever OP @NooNooMummyyou need to show strength and support for your DD, no tears or anger in front of her. Whichever school you send her to, build her confidence and tell her she’s going to be brilliant.

Tiswa · 03/09/2025 21:27

I assume the school wouldn’t have her it is just they haven’t filled the space rather than having a space - there is no way a school would risk it

so she has to start at the other one just like many are starting at schools they don’t know people at and meeting new ones. And they will make new friends

Sassylovesbooks · 03/09/2025 22:15

Driftingawaynow · 31/08/2025 15:13

I say this as a mother who has been through a lot of court shite with a controlling ex, at 12 ds stopped wanting to attend contact, found myself being threatened with change of residence when he was 14 due to claims of parental alienation which were entirely unfounded. The stress of this fucked us both up really badly. OP your instincts are correct that you need to tread carefully and the consequences of you simply breaching this court order could potentially be quite severe. Family court judges particularly hate mothers who don’t do what they have explicitly been told to do, even when what they’ve been told to do is actually impossible. I feel like they would come down on you quite heavily.

your child needs to speak up with her dad, that is simply a fact now I’m afraid and it’s a terrible thing to have to put on a child, but if she only speaks through you, you are going to put yourself in a situation where people say you are influencing her

I think part of the thing about being in family court proceedings is that your agency as a parent gets overridden and it’s so hard, you want to protect her from disappointment but actually you have the legal system taking that power out of your hands

In reality, I think the best thing you can do is help her accept the disappointment, try to make the best of it, and as someone else said, prepare to potentially take it back to court if she really isn’t happy there. You do not want this getting weaponised against you, things could escalate if you just ignore the order. If you had the sort of child who would simply refuse to attend the school they didn’t want to go to It might be easier in a way but it doesn’t sound like this is what your daughter is like.

I’m sorry, it’s shit and horrible, but in this instance I would recognise that your ex has probably won this particular round and try to make peace with it and think about potentially moving around Christmas if necessary

I agree with this. You can't go against the Court order, if you do, you will be in the wrong and your ex will use this against you. Yes, it's shit. Help your daughter to overcome her disappointment, and try to focus on the positives of the new school. Both of you need to be seen to be giving the school a real chance, then if it's not working, you have a better case.

TickingKey46 · 03/09/2025 22:23

I would be far more concerned about my daughters mental health and about ensuring she got to school, than what she potentially missed out on by not going to several of the other schools.
This all feels like one massive unnecessary mess and one that could have been handled better. It's not always about winning, I think you need to re focus. Except (even though it's hard) you can only make the most of the situation you have! The long term damage to your child could be enormous if this isn't resolved swiftly.

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 06/09/2025 17:21

In case any one wonders how this plays out: So she’s going now. I’ve had to force her out of the door. She’s crying a lot, subdued, not calling her friends. Her dad takes her and then took her to his for the weekend (yes, the man who, until now had only had time to have her 2 nights a month). He didn’t ask me, just told me that this is how it will be. And I’m sure if I object, his solicitor would just fire another legal letter at me and l’d be seen as unreasonable. He doesn’t facilitate communication so I’ve no idea how she’s doing.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/09/2025 17:25

In your shoes I would just start her at my preferred school. What they will probably do is give you a prohibited steps order so you cannot move her school again without permission from the court, but I don’t think they’ll move her once she’s settled and happy

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/09/2025 17:26

Ps he can’t just take her for a whole weekend if he has never done it before unless that time is court ordered

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/09/2025 17:26

What a nasty bastard he is

Tiswa · 06/09/2025 17:28

NooNooMummy · 06/09/2025 17:21

In case any one wonders how this plays out: So she’s going now. I’ve had to force her out of the door. She’s crying a lot, subdued, not calling her friends. Her dad takes her and then took her to his for the weekend (yes, the man who, until now had only had time to have her 2 nights a month). He didn’t ask me, just told me that this is how it will be. And I’m sure if I object, his solicitor would just fire another legal letter at me and l’d be seen as unreasonable. He doesn’t facilitate communication so I’ve no idea how she’s doing.

That you can fight though OP and get that court ordered

YanTanTetheraPetheraBumfitt · 06/09/2025 17:30

When he brings her back I’d make a point of telling him what a lovely child free weekend you’ve had and how much you’ve enjoyed it. Will hopefully piss him off and make him less likely to do this in the future…..for him it sounds like control, not actually wanting to see his Dd.

Whyherewego · 06/09/2025 20:00

YanTanTetheraPetheraBumfitt · 06/09/2025 17:30

When he brings her back I’d make a point of telling him what a lovely child free weekend you’ve had and how much you’ve enjoyed it. Will hopefully piss him off and make him less likely to do this in the future…..for him it sounds like control, not actually wanting to see his Dd.

To be honest this is probably your best option. He is trying to control and hurt you.
You could just, oh I am so pleased you took her for the weekend. I got loads done and it worked out really well. Grin and pretend. He's awful

YanTanTetheraPetheraBumfitt · 06/09/2025 20:02

Whyherewego · 06/09/2025 20:00

To be honest this is probably your best option. He is trying to control and hurt you.
You could just, oh I am so pleased you took her for the weekend. I got loads done and it worked out really well. Grin and pretend. He's awful

Show quote history

Not only got loads done, but was out with a friend enjoying yourself 😀. Let him start to sweat the friend might be male…..

Lightuptheroom · 06/09/2025 20:42

Can I ask if there is a current court order for contact, even if it was made some time ago? (known as a child arrangement order) Apologies if I'm wrong but your earlier posts suggest that he's pulled you back into court quite a few times, just wondering if there is a 'live' order, as even if he hasn't been sticking to it, he can still take her for the weekend if that's the case. It's horrible but that's what these men are like, they dislike losing control so use the only thing that they know will still hurt you.

TickingKey46 · 07/09/2025 07:12

My ex husband used to do this stuff, it's part of a twisted game. The more resistance you put up the more he will do it. You end up in a situation where you have little to no control. Even if this aspect gets sorted the game will move on to something else.!
The game only stopped for me as there was a no contact order granted. The problem is he's getting something out of this, a sick level of enjoyment. It's like someone trying to hijack your life.

prh47bridge · 07/09/2025 07:44

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/09/2025 17:25

In your shoes I would just start her at my preferred school. What they will probably do is give you a prohibited steps order so you cannot move her school again without permission from the court, but I don’t think they’ll move her once she’s settled and happy

The school preferred by OP's daughter is no longer an option. Her place there will have been given to someone else. Her only option is to go to the school that OP and her ex agreed should be the first choice (albeit OP says she only did so to avoid trouble).