Ex refuses to agree to DD’s choice of big school - school starts in 3 days

[NooNooMummy]

Please help!!! How do I help DD? Will local authority listen to her if she can advocate for herself? How can she?

It’s 3 days til school starts.
Agreed a court order last year that set out which schools we agree to apply to. (I went along with it to avoid trouble from ex). Offered a place at DD’s favourite, some friends going there etc etc. it’s v pro-girl and they’ve been v supportive. Accepted the offer, DD super excited. She also has a full bursary for a really, lovely non-state school but DD’s not as keen on it.

Another offer arrived from the school that is set out on the state-school application form as our 1st preference, and ex insists that DD go there. Spent whole summer faffing about in court and told, with an apology, that it’s too late to change the earlier order. DD is distraught.

Ex has weaponised this whole situation for the last 2 years (amongst other things since DD was 2). CAFCASS found him to be coercively controlling and noted the impact on DD’s emotional wellbeing of this abuse. He’s chosen to have minimal involvement in DD’s life other than causing trouble like this for us. Have an upcoming hearing for a non-mol, which I should have done years ago.
But what can I can do right now for DD?

I suggest you (and others) try reading the first post properly. OP says she agreed a court order, that she went along with it to avoid trouble from her ex. The courts did not decide the order of schools. OP and her ex did. All the courts did was enshrine that agreement in a court order. Perhaps OP should have fought for her preference at that time, but it is too late now.

I understood the OP and her DD also had preference for 1st choice but now that dd has 2nd choice and her friends also got 2nd choice that is her DDs preferred school and she doesn’t want to accept place at first choice school now - but judge said they must due to court order.

lots of is end up in this situation and decline higher preference schools if a place becomes available last minute because we settle with allocated school and actually realise it isn’t that bad!

I’d assume that if your Ex accepted the first preference place, you will have lost the other place anyway. What uniform has been bought?
I would put her name on the waiting list for her preferred school as it sounds as though she will have to attend the other one to start with at least. Maybe it will be ok.
Schools manage in year moves themselves so if it’s not working, she may be able to move quite soon as you will have complied and sent her to the 1st preference school to begin with.
You need to speak to a solicitor so that future decision making is more proportionate to the involvement of each of you.
Hope he’s paying maintenance!
Feel really sorry for you as Ex is clearly prioritising control of the situation rather than your DD’s well being. Good luck!

@NooNooMummy all I can add is what I'd do. At this late stage I would let DD go to her preferred school. That would put you in contempt so you will need a really good family barrister when you go back to court. Issues for them to emphasise in mitigation are that 'things change', your daughter's welfare and best interests which need to take more account of her preferences as she is now older, and that you are very much the resident parent i.e 90+% of the time. If you could get a professional report in the meantime about the mental health impact for your daughter of being forced to go to her father's choice of school that might be helpful too. I think strong legal representation that the first priority of the family court should be the child's welfare is your best hope because this is clearly all about her father's preferences.

You need to ascertain whether she even still has a place at her preference. Highly unlikely as your ex accepted the other place and your daughters preference place will have been reallocated to another child.
There's no way that you will be able to return to court before the start of term so you are expected to send her to the 1st preference school or be in breach of the court order. Obviously you can ask a family court to look at this again, but it takes time.
The PP who has said schools manage their own in year transfers , they don't (unless they are an academy and manage their own admissions) In year transfers are by application to the local authority and depend on if the school requested has a space, which for Year 7 is unlikely. Plus, unless the court agree to change the court order at a later date OP would still be in breach of a court order as the school that has now been offered was 1st preference agreed by OP, ex and court.
From a personal perspective, it's difficult for you and my ds missed out on different opportunities due to ex, they grow, they learn.
Professionally (I'm a fair access officer) there isn't any mechanism for your daughter to speak to the local authority (unfortunately that would cause chaos as it would have to be applied to all children not placed at a school they wanted regardless of parental views )

Send her to the one she wants to go too. High school is a big deal and fight it if you get called back to court

No, of course he doesn’t pay maintenance. He doesn’t work, apparently.

To those saying send daughter to her preference and then fight it.. firstly school admissions don't work like that, particularly when there is a court order that has been upheld and a place accepted at the first preference school. There will be no place allocated to the child at the 2nd preference school and i'm sure OP wouldn't wish to have the embarrassment of being told that (if it was that easy to go to school of preference just by turning up, everyone would do it) OP would be in breach of the court order and so would the local authority. It can't be changed now. It also doesn't have any effect if different uniform has been purchased, as you can imagine this sort of thing happens all the time and the court have stated that the court order cannot be amended at this time.
Yes,it can be challenged at a later date in court but OP would want a judge to be on side, not looking at a court order breach.
Paying maintenance is also not relevant, different streams of different systems, judges will often say that children aren't 'pay to view' and expect contact to take place regardless of an exes financial commitment (again, emotionally hard but the law)

How about if the ‘1st preference’ school withdraws its offer? Surely they wouldn’t want a child to be forced to attend ? Could that happen?

There's no mechanism for withdrawing that offer. The school and local authority cannot get involved in what is basically an argument between parents. If you choose not to send her (there isn't any 'forcing' in this, she's 11 and you are the parent under a court order) You will be in breach of a court order and playing into your exes hands.

Absolutely. I wish I hadn’t. But he’d been contacting schools, where I’d registered her (with his knowledge) and telling them that he opposed the registration etc etc creating utter chaos and confusion. He took me to court to ask them to prevent me from ‘failing to involve him’ and I ASKED the court for specific directions about which schools I could apply to, to prevent him from creating any more chaos. I realise that I’m setting out a blueprint here for abusers to follow…

They can’t withdraw the offer. The likelihood is also that your preferred school has now reallocated her place once the offer for the current school was made.

He has always been the one taking me to court. And the court has at least recognised what he was doing by imposing a s91(14) order now…But that makes it tricky for me to go to court now.

Anyway, thank you everyone.

You tried to do what you felt was right, unfortunately with the offer of the first preference school it's gone against you as you now have no option at the current time to take up that place.
Yes, you can challenge it later but not before your daughter is due to start

I think the fact that they’ve been so supportive is what’s giving me irrational hope. They know about and understand the position I’ve been inand told me that her place will not be given to someone else.

…but how long can they do that?

The s91 recognises that he is vexatious (believe me my ex took me to court 8 times before DS was 5 years old ) unfortunately that doesn't change the current situation with school places as he has effectively been granted this particular court order on this particular subject

Tbh the school are already skating on very thin ground and leaving themselves open to successful appeal from the person below you on the list.

It normally says on the offer letter, I think a place has to be formally accepted within 10 days and then the other place is released back into the system. Your ex accepted the first preference as per the court order so at that point the 2nd preference would have been released back. A school cannot hold a place open for a child (again, if this was possible every school would do it)

taking out all of the awful stuff with your ex School 1 - the one a place has opened at what is distance away etc at? Primary school friends tend to drift away at high school - what makes 1 preferable to 2 and vice versa

He agreed (or there's a court order in place) to the schools on the list in full knowledge that any of the applications could result in an offer of a place. Therefore he should be happy with whatever offers are made. He agreed to that order or is at least governed by it to exactly the same extent that you are. If he doesn't like the terms of the order he needs to file a motion seeking a change, or a new order.

You're going to have to go back to court on an emergency basis - get a solicitor asap and file a motion for an emergency hearing where you'll petition the court to hear a motion requesting an order that DD go to the school of her preference.

You need to gird your loins for a knock down drag out battle with this man. Do not kick the can down the road any more.

@mathanxiety the place at the 2nd preference school has been superceded in the admissions 'round' by the 1st preference. This means that the 2nd preference place won't exist anymore. Before going back to court on any basis OP would need to reapply for a place and get exes agreement to that (which contravenes the current court order) the local authority won't reallocate a place on the basis that mum doesn't like it (particularly with a valid court order in place) they also cannot allocate a 2nd place to a child who already has a place, so any change would have to be applied for through the in year admission system, which wouldn't be possible without the current court order being changed as the current order specifies the allocated school as first preference.

Sorry, but I think you are stuck here.

Presumably the 1st choice school is not an unreasonable distance or terrible school, otherwise you would have raised this with the judge at the time?

Your only choice is to help DD make the best of it. If ex had objections to the 2nd choice school, it’s unlikely he’ll give in now he has ‘won’.

I wouldn’t put it in DD’s mind that you might move her later as this will stop her from settling in. Also by the time she changed schools her friends will have already formed new friendship groups that she won’t be part of.

Much better to put the effort into keeping in touch with her current friends, as having friends separate from school can be a big advantage.

I'm sorry, OP. It sounds like such an awful situation.

I agree with others who have said that right now you need to follow the court order and send DD to the highest preference school that offered her a spot - school 1. For the sake of both DD and your future success in court I would absolutely not do it with a "your dad is making you, he just wants his way but I think you shouldn't go to this school you should go to the other" emphasis. Tell her you know she had her heart set on school #2 but you (and the judge) also believe she will do well at school #1 and that's what was agreed after listening to her, you, her dad and CAFCASS. Tell her that you're willing to advocate for a transfer next spring if she gives it a go and it really isn't working.

I won't say a parent should never violate a court order while fighting for a change, but this isn't a safety issue and it doesn't sound like you have concrete reasons your DD will be harmed by attending school #1 beyond it not being an 11 year-old's first preference. This isn't the time to breach a direct order that the court has first made then refused to change.

Is there some reason your DH was able to give the court about school 1 vs 2 (even if you think it was worthless)? Is one a faith or single-sex school, for example?