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Original poster

Ex refuses to agree to DD’s choice of big school - school starts in 3 days

170 replies

NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 11:13

Please help!!! How do I help DD? Will local authority listen to her if she can advocate for herself? How can she?

It’s 3 days til school starts.
Agreed a court order last year that set out which schools we agree to apply to. (I went along with it to avoid trouble from ex). Offered a place at DD’s favourite, some friends going there etc etc. it’s v pro-girl and they’ve been v supportive. Accepted the offer, DD super excited. She also has a full bursary for a really, lovely non-state school but DD’s not as keen on it.

Another offer arrived from the school that is set out on the state-school application form as our 1st preference, and ex insists that DD go there. Spent whole summer faffing about in court and told, with an apology, that it’s too late to change the earlier order. DD is distraught.

Ex has weaponised this whole situation for the last 2 years (amongst other things since DD was 2). CAFCASS found him to be coercively controlling and noted the impact on DD’s emotional wellbeing of this abuse. He’s chosen to have minimal involvement in DD’s life other than causing trouble like this for us. Have an upcoming hearing for a non-mol, which I should have done years ago.
But what can I can do right now for DD?

OP posts:
DeeKitch · 31/08/2025 11:54

Send her to her preferred school - he’s manipulating you and your daughter

I hope she loves it

good luck x

titchy · 31/08/2025 11:57

Your post isn’t clear. You say she was originally allocated her favourite school after agreeing in court which to apply for. She now has an offer for the first choice (which I assume wasn’t your first choice but his?), but court has said over the summer that it’s too late - surely that means sticking with the status quo of her favourite school?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 31/08/2025 12:01

Your post isn’t very clear, you say that you went along with applying to the schools agreed on the court order, so aren’t the schools she’s been offered, including the first choice favourite school, schools from the original agreement? If you’ve stuck to the agreement in terms of which schools you agreed in court to apply to then even if his first choice is different to yours/ hers I don’t see how he can really argue? Send her to her preferred school from the court ordered list, not his!

Also when you say ‘big school’ do you mean primary school or secondary school? I see parents refer to both as ‘big school’ depending on the age of their child. Whether your child is 4 or 11 makes a difference in terms of how much to take her preference into account.

HappyAsASandboy · 31/08/2025 12:02

Does he have access to the system to accept the new offer?

If so, I expect he will accept it and the only school expecting your DD at the start of term is the one your ex has accepted. Although I don’t think that’s “fair” to your DD, it is the reality of the situation. You could then try to go back to court to agree a change back to your preferred school, though by then she will likely be settled at the ex’s preferred school and so likely that either Court will decide she stays with that school, or DD won’t want to move by then.

If ex doesn’t have the ability to accept the new offer, then the reverse works in your favour. The only school expecting your DD on day 1 will be the one DD wants. Let her start and then ex can take you to court to ask to move her, by which time the status quo will be the DD preferred school.

With such a small time window, I think it come down to who has access to the button to accept/reject the newly-offered school.

beelegal · 31/08/2025 12:04

Very confusing, which school does your daughter prefer? And which does ex prefer?

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 13:31

titchy · 31/08/2025 11:57

Your post isn’t clear. You say she was originally allocated her favourite school after agreeing in court which to apply for. She now has an offer for the first choice (which I assume wasn’t your first choice but his?), but court has said over the summer that it’s too late - surely that means sticking with the status quo of her favourite school?

No. The more recent offer from ‘1st preference’ supersedes the other offer cos he’s accepting it. (He could agree to reject it and the offer from the favourite school would be the place she’s allocated by the local authority. The court says it’s too late to change the court order that directed the order of preference in which the schools were to be listed).

OP posts:
PadamPadamPDoom · 31/08/2025 13:33

But why was that school ‘first preference’ rather than the one she likes best?

PadamPadamPDoom · 31/08/2025 13:36

More importantly- who does she live with and who will be taking her to school?

He cannot have an effective overriding choice if he ‘has minimal involvement’ in her life?

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 13:36

PadamPadamPDoom · 31/08/2025 13:33

But why was that school ‘first preference’ rather than the one she likes best?

Things change. None of friends got places/ are going there. It’s only first cos he had very strong feelings against the one listed as second preference none of which were logical but I think the judge was trying to be fair hence that school couldn’t be first preference.

OP posts:
Livelaughlurgy · 31/08/2025 13:36

This is the danger with going along with it to avoid trouble. It just postpones the trouble to a later date.

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 13:38

PadamPadamPDoom · 31/08/2025 13:36

More importantly- who does she live with and who will be taking her to school?

He cannot have an effective overriding choice if he ‘has minimal involvement’ in her life?

No one seems to care! (She lives with me and I’d be the one dealing with travel) He has her 2x nights per month

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 31/08/2025 13:38

But surely you’ve already accepted the offer from her preferred school and she has attended settling sessions before the summer? The original order of preference is now no longer relevant. Has she been on the waiting list for the other school all this time?
And why is it possible for what he wants to trump what you and her want?? You’re saying that court are insisting you send her to the fathers preferred school above yours and the child’s wishes?

sittingonabeach · 31/08/2025 13:39

How do you get 2 offers? Or were you on waiting list

Anothercoffeeafter3 · 31/08/2025 13:43

Can you not let DD log in and reject it?

Shelby2010 · 31/08/2025 13:44

My DD is starting yr7 in 3 days, she’s had settling in days, bought the uniform & has met her class tutor. It would be incredibly disruptive for her to change schools at this stage.

I appreciate that the court situation makes things difficult but surely the fact that you accepted the school place offered means it was decided at that point?

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 13:47

Smartiepants79 · 31/08/2025 13:38

But surely you’ve already accepted the offer from her preferred school and she has attended settling sessions before the summer? The original order of preference is now no longer relevant. Has she been on the waiting list for the other school all this time?
And why is it possible for what he wants to trump what you and her want?? You’re saying that court are insisting you send her to the fathers preferred school above yours and the child’s wishes?

Yes, I accepted the earlier offer which, apparently, I shouldn’t have done without his consent, he insists. But it was ok for him to accept the more recent offer. This is because it’s written in the earlier court order and I should have done something about that sooner, apparently.
And has she been to the transition day etc? No, he refused to consent to it. But it took her out of school without my consent and took her to the transition day at the 4th preference school, which was the first offer we’d had, despite it being superseded by the offer accepted from her favourite school.

I feel like such a bad mother for letting this mess happen. He is free to consent to what our daughter wants but it’s clear now that that’s never going to happen and I don’t know how to fix it!

OP posts:
Dozer · 31/08/2025 13:49

Your post isn’t clear, but I THINK you’re saying that the court order requires you to send DD to the first choice school on the application form, and can’t change the outcome of the court case. (Your ex gets his preference).

If that’s the case, best make the best of it.

What age is DD? If she’s joining reception then friendships seem a minor issue.

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 13:51

Shelby2010 · 31/08/2025 13:44

My DD is starting yr7 in 3 days, she’s had settling in days, bought the uniform & has met her class tutor. It would be incredibly disruptive for her to change schools at this stage.

I appreciate that the court situation makes things difficult but surely the fact that you accepted the school place offered means it was decided at that point?

Apparently not, it’s all superseded by the more recent offer. And it’s taken so long trying to get in front of a judge over the summer - only to be told I’m too late and the more recent offer from the ‘1st preference’is where she has to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 13:52

…there were a lot of tears when I brought this news to DD. It just all feels so wrong be being made to go ti a school that both she and I don’t want. Hence here for help - what can we do?!!!! I think one of the biggest problems (if you’re being kind to my ex) is that she doesn’t want to have to tell him so maybe that’s why he won’t consent. (But even if she doesn’t, he’d find some other reason). The judge did direct all her comments about emotional damage at him but I’m to blame too for not sorting it out. So, yes, absolute mess.

OP posts:
ByQuaintAzureWasp · 31/08/2025 13:57

Message him through parent app to say your daughter wants to go to x and you support your daughter's choice because of x, y, z. Stress the negative impact this is having on her mental health and ask for his support.
You can only hope he sees sense.

PicaK · 31/08/2025 13:57

Well you are both messing up funding for 1 school this year.
You accepted a place quietly and sneakily. Sdo it's biting you on the bum.
The one that suffers is your child. You don't just go along with things to keep the peace thinking you'll change it to your advantage later. You're messing up your child.
And you're about to cause a major headache for the staff and disadvantage the kids at the school she doesn't go to.

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 13:59

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 31/08/2025 13:57

Message him through parent app to say your daughter wants to go to x and you support your daughter's choice because of x, y, z. Stress the negative impact this is having on her mental health and ask for his support.
You can only hope he sees sense.

I have. He says I’m lying/ mad.

OP posts:
PadamPadamPDoom · 31/08/2025 13:59

I would say get hold of your solicitor post-haste!

You are wholly responsible for taking her to school every day. It’s inconceivable that anyone but you would be able to make this decision.

Anothercoffeeafter3 · 31/08/2025 13:59

Which school is expecting her on Monday? That’s where I would be sending her if it’s her choice and I would happily face court for that

Original poster
NooNooMummy · 31/08/2025 14:01

PicaK · 31/08/2025 13:57

Well you are both messing up funding for 1 school this year.
You accepted a place quietly and sneakily. Sdo it's biting you on the bum.
The one that suffers is your child. You don't just go along with things to keep the peace thinking you'll change it to your advantage later. You're messing up your child.
And you're about to cause a major headache for the staff and disadvantage the kids at the school she doesn't go to.

All of this is true. Right now I’m focused on how can I help DD. We just go to the place allocated now?

OP posts: