Ex is a shift worker

[Princess90x]

Abit of back story i was with ex for 13 years
Left due to his cheating with a co worker found out in the oct and I packed our stuff and left in December 2024
.... (i should add it wasn't the first time he cheated he did it when I found out i was pregnant with the first until he was 3 months old so having a second and finding out hes done it again I couldn't stay in that relationship becoming a pattern but probably done it a few times thought the relationship and losses of pregnancys too)

Well he's taking me to court so he can get both children 10yo & 1yo for two full weeks as he classes that as 50/50..
I gave him 50/50 of his two weeks home fri-mon and thur-sun and even offered him to take children out to school/activities or tea but refuses as I haven't offered in advance
He wont change his job for any other type of 50/50
Ive spoke to cafcass and she agreed that his type of 50/50 isn't child friendly and he should get a child focused job but again I know this man will refuse until he gets his own way he says I have to be flexible has done from the point of me leaving but once it goes court it will be set in stone

Should also add the man booked a family holiday in October and she was on holiday at the same time i found out fully 3 days after getting home as i suspected something was going on with him with another women from the august 2024

You don't "have" to be flexible you have to make them available for reasonable contact if he can't or won't take it that's on him honestly make it child focused not adult focused

Well I thought that was reasonable contact of his two weeks home even let him add dates in the shared calendar we have with each other xx

Should also add he's also saying on his c100 that I'm withholding medical information, which i took eldest to hospital after he hurt his arm at school rang him he didn't answer so rang him after being at hospital to him messaging me back asking if I rang 😵‍💫 so rang him back to tell him that he had fractured his wrist. Then a week later 1yo wasn't very well so I took him to doctors and he got put on antibiotics which I sent with him to contact also added in on the shared calendar he was on them 3 times daily

What does you ex do? What do you mean 2 full weeks? Your post doesn’t explain much really. Also it’s not easy to just give up a job and find one that’s child friendly.

I work constant night shift basically a 7 day on 7 day off rota. this would likely be classed as not child friendly. But for me to find a job that is would mean a huge pay cut and even then in my industry would mean extra external childcare or going part time. Most places in my industry require shift patterns between 7am and 8pm. I choose to work nights for the extra salary and also the work life balance 7 on 7 off

2 weeks on and 2 weeks off isn't in the best interest of the children. Do you communicate through a parenting app? I think it's best to communicate via a patenting app seen as he's lying about you withholding medical information.

He works for Siemens now has done for 2 years now before that he was a electrician

So does that mean then that me being absent for pretty much a week at a time isn’t great for my kids? As I work 7 on 7 off and do 12 hr shifts. I don’t see my kids when I’m working doesn’t mean they don’t have another loving parent there for them. Of course I am at the other end of a phone when I’m needed.

i am still with dad though but if we had to split it would mean they spend one week with dad and one week with me.

Is he working away in the 2 weeks he can’t see them? would it make a difference to his salary etc?

would a compromise be when he’s home he gets weekends and some evenings? Not taking them to clubs etc but quality time? Maybe not having them move in for 2 weeks but actually just spending time with them?

He wants to be able to choose when he wants them in his two weeks off rota says I'm being unreasonable when at the start he said he wanted quality time with them so my understanding was the weekends he was home so he didn't have to do much of the daily slog of anything to do with the children so I'm confused what he actually wants even tho he said he wanted me to have 53% and him 47% providing he didnt book training in on his off time

Is he going for 50/50 to avoid paying any money to you?

Maybe you need some sort of parenting app or some sort of mediation to discuss what he actually wants and when he wants it. Then come to some sort of agreement. It can always change as time goes on or if somethings don’t suit.

get everything in writing and stick to it as much as possible.

so if he can’t be around when he has to work have days/nights/ weekends planned for when he is off. Having it in writing means you both have to stick to it. Obviously compromise might not work with you guys at the moment if plans change last minute or for holidays etc.

yeah it would be fair asking him to try and find a job that means he’s seeing the kids more consistently but it’s not always that easy and will take time.

Well that's why we set up a shared calendar to try go to his off rota so I thought I was being as reasonable as possible and if anything got booked in that then I offered different day's

Well that's not possible now as we're at court in may which was supposed to be this month but he changed it because of his working commitments

I think 2 weeks is a long time for a child not to see a parent. I don't think 2 weeks with dad and then 2 weeks with mum is in the child's best interests. I'd push for set days because consistency is in the best interest of the children. If he's not avaliable because of the job he choses then he has the choice to change his job.

From @Princess90x updates it sounds like he wants them when he wants them in his 2 weeks off. He wants to dictate and control and @Princess90x should just make them avaliable. @Princess90x needs consistency as do her children.

Also while Ex has his schedule. I think 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off will make working, childcare, extra curricular activities etc very tricky.

I'm not sure but I don't want his money if that's his concern about wanting 50/50 I just want our children to have a loving relationship but going for two whole weeks isnt the right way, maybe when the 10 year old starts secondary school

Well that's my point he's chosing a job were he's not in the country for two weeks then wants me to do as I'm told, as I'm seen as i should be flexible as I don't work. He never needed the job/salary whilst we was together but I get it but for him to dictate that he should have his off rota with the children i wouldn't see how that could go in his favour with having them

It seems the standard access is eow and a night in between and ive said this to him or 3 days 1 week and 4 days another then alternate but he just wants to dictate what his idea of 50/50 is

I don't believe a court would do it. 2 weeks would be hard for a 10 year old but it would be like a lifetime for a 1 year old.

I thought so he just wants to have control and cause me stress for no reason all because I wouldn't take him cheating on me with co workers anymore hopefully when he's told straight on the 1st he will realise I'm doing what's best for the children not him or me

OK sounds like you are really trying your best to be flexible.

I very much doubt he'll get 2 weeks in one go as a regular schedule, it really isn't the best for the kids and anyone can see that.

When you do go to the court, word of advice - don't talk about him cheating on you. Just leave it to one side. That's not a child focussed thing to talk about, and it only makes you sound bitter and as if you have a bone to pick with him, and now you're purposefully being difficult with him (which doesn't seem to be the case, jut to be clear, but the judges and children's service may interpret very differently!). If they ask why you broke up just say infidelity on his part, but leave it as that. Just focus on the children and how you've tried to facilitate contact, but the proposal he's put forward really isn't in the children's best interest.

Best of luck x

So I spoke to cafcass in March and she asked why we split and what contact had been like so far, so I told her in December it was sprotic but he saw the children most days he was home and spend Christmas with them and the same in January, but I had a really good talk with family and friends that's when I gave him 50/50 of his two weeks off and same in March also asked him to be there for our eldest sons birthday Gokarting I'd booked so I keep trying to go forward with him having access to the children, he filed his application at the beginning of march because he believes he will get the full two weeks x

I didnt get in to no mud slinging match about him I raised one concern about him taking our now 10 year old on his motorbike which i wasn't keen on when we was together either and I know the children have rights to have access to their dad and I'm trying my hardest as each month goes on so she even said let's get his dates set in stone so you don't have to be flexible and you have a right to a life too not on his terms she even said he should get a child focused job if he wants more but she isn't speaking to him until 11th this month so it's whatever he says to them.

Sorry the only reason it was all over in December was because I had booked days out with the children considering his rota and I didn't want him with us for normal family days out to keep it normal for the children his words but even then I asked him to come out with us on the 24th to see the children's names on a nice list in our city centre so I was kinda playing the pick me dance with him because I was all over the place in my mind

It sounds like you've been saying the right things to Cafcass, just keep doing what you're doing. I think you've gone above and beyond trying to facilitate things and you have valid reasons to object the proposals he's suggesting. Cafcass is right - he could get a job that's better suited around the children, but if he chooses to stay in it, then he can't demand the whole family life revolves around his sporadic patterns. Children need stability and predictable arrangements!

Just keep your head cool, mud slinging to a minimum, and focus on the kids. A court order will be great to have once it's in place - it will guarantee peace and certainty for years to come. I know it's tough now, but just focus on the end goal x