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Lone parents

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Original poster

Ex is a shift worker

34 replies

Princess90x · 07/04/2025 16:04

Abit of back story i was with ex for 13 years
Left due to his cheating with a co worker found out in the oct and I packed our stuff and left in December 2024
.... (i should add it wasn't the first time he cheated he did it when I found out i was pregnant with the first until he was 3 months old so having a second and finding out hes done it again I couldn't stay in that relationship becoming a pattern but probably done it a few times thought the relationship and losses of pregnancys too)

Well he's taking me to court so he can get both children 10yo & 1yo for two full weeks as he classes that as 50/50..
I gave him 50/50 of his two weeks home fri-mon and thur-sun and even offered him to take children out to school/activities or tea but refuses as I haven't offered in advance
He wont change his job for any other type of 50/50
Ive spoke to cafcass and she agreed that his type of 50/50 isn't child friendly and he should get a child focused job but again I know this man will refuse until he gets his own way he says I have to be flexible has done from the point of me leaving but once it goes court it will be set in stone

OP posts:
Original poster
Princess90x · 09/04/2025 19:51

Pearlyb · 09/04/2025 09:26

It sounds like you've been saying the right things to Cafcass, just keep doing what you're doing. I think you've gone above and beyond trying to facilitate things and you have valid reasons to object the proposals he's suggesting. Cafcass is right - he could get a job that's better suited around the children, but if he chooses to stay in it, then he can't demand the whole family life revolves around his sporadic patterns. Children need stability and predictable arrangements!

Just keep your head cool, mud slinging to a minimum, and focus on the kids. A court order will be great to have once it's in place - it will guarantee peace and certainty for years to come. I know it's tough now, but just focus on the end goal x

I don't think I'll ever get it right with what he's demanding but hopefully he will see I've been as accommodating as possible for his off rota with him with his access to having our children but I know he wants not 50/50 but 53/47 which I've said up above ive offered him proper 50/50 and he even said tonight on the Court app I'm not letting him parent on his 5 and half months off a year I'm stopping that

OP posts:
Pearlyb · 09/04/2025 23:12

It's great that he thinks you should let him parent during the time he manages to sort out off from work, but you need to be the anchor who's there at all times, providing a stable home and making the children available purely when convenient to him 😂

The judges and Cafcass will easily see he's not being reasonable here. He can say whatever to court, they can see you've not prevented contact, quite the opposite. Honestly, he'd need to sacrifice his job if he was to really want to get that level of access! I mean he can't even turn up for a scheduled court hearing about his children, how does he think the judge will believe he can offer a stable presence?

Bide your time, bite your tongue, think smart, keep going as you've been.

Also that withholding medical information is ridiculous - you're not obliged to tell about every little illness or mishap that happens while the children are in your care. He can call the doctors himself if he wants, and ask them to notify him if something serious was to happen to either child. But it's not your job to keep him updated of every little thing. He sounds very controlling.

You can relax once you have court papers in hand! It will help tremendously, I'm sure (don't ask how I know lol)

Original poster
Princess90x · 10/04/2025 14:04

Pearlyb · 09/04/2025 23:12

It's great that he thinks you should let him parent during the time he manages to sort out off from work, but you need to be the anchor who's there at all times, providing a stable home and making the children available purely when convenient to him 😂

The judges and Cafcass will easily see he's not being reasonable here. He can say whatever to court, they can see you've not prevented contact, quite the opposite. Honestly, he'd need to sacrifice his job if he was to really want to get that level of access! I mean he can't even turn up for a scheduled court hearing about his children, how does he think the judge will believe he can offer a stable presence?

Bide your time, bite your tongue, think smart, keep going as you've been.

Also that withholding medical information is ridiculous - you're not obliged to tell about every little illness or mishap that happens while the children are in your care. He can call the doctors himself if he wants, and ask them to notify him if something serious was to happen to either child. But it's not your job to keep him updated of every little thing. He sounds very controlling.

You can relax once you have court papers in hand! It will help tremendously, I'm sure (don't ask how I know lol)

Should I question him about what medical information I've withheld on the court app? Or leave it?

As a mum we just go on instinct to get them in to doctors or take them hospital 🙈 but his mum who used to work as a nurse questioned me about our eldests fractured wrist and why wasn't we fast tracked though waiting for a xray with him being a child. I feel like they think I made it up even though i took him straight from school sat in a&e from 11am until 4pm with him 🙈 and him being discharged with a hair line fracture and got put in a splint for 4 weeks but obviously with him being a child he was waving it around to his dad on facetime without the splint on so I can kind of see it would look like I'd made that up 😅🤣

OP posts:
Pearlyb · 10/04/2025 16:58

Any serious allegations you can just deny, but don't feel the need to reply to every thing he throws into his statements in detail. The onus is on him to prove youve done XYZ "wrong", which he can't do. Allegations are just allegations.

If he doubts you, he can call the doc and get the doctor's reports themselves if he wants!

BlackeyedSusan · 30/04/2025 21:02

Worriedparenting · 07/04/2025 16:15

What does you ex do? What do you mean 2 full weeks? Your post doesn’t explain much really. Also it’s not easy to just give up a job and find one that’s child friendly.

I work constant night shift basically a 7 day on 7 day off rota. this would likely be classed as not child friendly. But for me to find a job that is would mean a huge pay cut and even then in my industry would mean extra external childcare or going part time. Most places in my industry require shift patterns between 7am and 8pm. I choose to work nights for the extra salary and also the work life balance 7 on 7 off

7 on 7 off fixed is reasonably child friendly as you would be available for a big chunk of your week off. You could work a reasonable schedule from that.

What's his shift pattern like?

Original poster
Princess90x · 01/05/2025 13:38

Update..

He didnt get his full two weeks
He got pretty much what ive already been offering him 🙈

OP posts:
BillyBoe46 · 01/05/2025 14:36

I'm so pleased for you. You must be so relieved.

Original poster
Princess90x · 01/05/2025 15:07

Honestly can't wait to go bed early tonight and the children to go to his tomorrow to have a little pamper night and drink in bed 😅
I stayed awake until 3am prepping paperwork what didn't even get read because I've always been so reasonable with access since February and doing what's in the best interests of both the children the judge even granted me with the lives with order!

OP posts:
nopineapplepizza · 01/05/2025 15:39

So pleased you got the most sensible outcome for your situation and the judge put the needs of the children first 👏👏

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