Ex getting married-how did you feel?

[noche]

My DD annonced today that she is going to be a bridesmaid at ex's wedding in the autumn. He was there and looked very uncomfrtable but said yes they were getting married (he and GF he had affair with while married to me)Later sent me a text saying he had meant to tell me first but hadn't got round to it and he was sorry i found out the way I did. All fine. I was just SO not prepared for the way I am feeling. It was like I had been punched in the stomache and I am like a bear with a sore head now. I divorced him, I do not in the slightest regret my decision and I am sure I do not love him so why am I feeling so crap, devastated in fact??? I/m so mad because i have recently been feeling that I am at last getting over the whole sorry saga of his infidelity, bullying, general horribleness, the divorce and then this news is like another obstacle to overcome. It has knoced me for 6 and I just feel like I will never be the stable normal person I used to be. I so long to have nothing to do with him and not to keep having to pick myself up and look strong for Dds sake.
How did you feel when it happened to you? How do I put it behind me? Why am I so gutted?? PLease help!

Sorry noche, I can't give any advice from experience but can totally understand how upsetting this must be for you. Yes its another obstacle to overcome but you will overcome it you only found out today so still a bit of a shock for you. Keep your chin up.

God I feel so awful I don't know what to do. I have just had another email row with him-2 in a week- regarding his contact (posted about this earlier) and it completely churns me up inside. Sometimes I just want to give up trying to be strong and let someone else do all the hard work. Why is it he can rebuild his life, find someone when he was the one who wrecked our marriage and behaved so badly. It's so unfair! That sounds pathetic doesn't it?? It DOES seem unfair though. He has just sailed off into a new life, leaving a trail of devastation behind him....

I agree you are in shock today and will find a way to come to terms with it. Try not to let him know how it has made you feel and this will keep you strong, brave face and all that.

He cheated once on you, hes capable of doing it again .

My ex, well father to DD got married and she was bridesmaid. It was abroad but they had a blessing locally. TBH I had no feelings for him by then so I took myself off shopping for the day by train and enjoyed a boozy little dinner that evening. He asked my DD why mum hadnt come to see her at the church and she said oh she's busy today!!

i know how you feel.. was v upset when my ex dh told me he was dating someone... i've started dating as well... was suprised though at the depth of the pain that his moving on cauesd me.. i would never take him back but there you have it

I think you've sort of answered yourself, he seems to have rebuilt his life when he was the one who wrecked things and you who wasn't to blame are on your own.

Better to be on your own than with a cheating bully. It will all come right for you soon

In a way you are mourning too. Him getting married is reminding you that once you were married and at the time you had hoped it would be for ever. When you had your child together, you thought it would be happy families for ever.

Sadly it didn't turn out that way, and him getting married is reminding you that you have lost your dreams.

You will be sad, and its normal to feel sad. So take it easy for a bit, and give yourself a little treat.

And as PABLOP says, it seems like you have the short end of the straw. He does what he wants, wrecks the marriage and leaves you to pick up the pieces. So it doesn't seem fair either.

But you live with your child, and in time you will see that you're the lucky one. It's a privelege to be with the children every day, watching them sleep, seeing them splash in the bath, hugging them whenever you want, and to hear how their day at school went etc

Your ex doesn't have this, and he is missing out

Thanks AMAZINWOMAN you're so right about it reminding me of my dreams. I do feel lucky for being with DD but I also wish he didn't seem to have such a charmed life!! But then again, he hasn't addressed any of the issues which led to our breakup and he needed to so in someways he's just kidding himself-and GF too. I feel resentful at her having my dream only thta's daft because that's all it ever was-just a dream. The reality was not nice!

I am not in this situation (yet) but can totally understand. I agree with the others though.
You wake every morning to your DD whereas your ex is jsut with his new partner.
My ex had an affair which I found out about & tried to make it work for 8 weeks til I realised he wasnt trying or remorseful so kicked him out. He ran to her. That is 2.5 yrs ago.
I have met new DP and my ex has to listen to the children telling him all the fun things we've done & me knowing how much hes missing out.

Hiya, I felt upset, angry, and let down.

I thought we were going to be married for ever, but mine is getting married again this yr.

He left us, me and dd, and i don't think he will ever be truly happy, if he hasn't sorted his own issues, as you said about your ex.

I am leaving the country lol, when mine gets married, i can't bear it.

Its a huge step forwards in his life, but who knows.

Hi, i know how you feel!! I dont have any feelings for my xp, we split because i found out he was basically cheating on me for 3 years inculding the time while i was pregnant. He has just got married in Feb and has told me they now have a baby on the way (they also have step daughter but shes about 18 years old). Like i say, i dont have feelings for him but i do feel hurt knowing that my dreams wont ever come true, about happy families for ever etc.

I think the reason we feel hurt is exactly what has been mentioned above. Yes we love our children and we are extremly lucky to be with them everyday, but why is it the guy can just walk away n carry on their lives?? Its easy for them to move on but harder for us with our lo's. Also im sorry to hear you found out from DD, that just tops it off i guess, sounds like he didnt have the heart or guts to tell u himself!

Hope your alright xx

I didn't know mine had got married till months later, as we weren't in touch. It was when I called his mother to try and get him to see our son, that she let it slip. I felt a bit stunned, but then I knew he'd been living with someone else for a while, so I suppose it made sense.
I wrote it down, starkly, and kept that bit of paper lying around, and every time I saw it I would get that yukky painful feeling but then I decided it wasn't helping so I chucked it.
Still not used to it now, it's been a year or two.
BUT...I decided to go to their house as it was Ds's Christmas play, to invite his dad - and she was there, and she wasn't very nice, so I kind of felt better then.
Had she been the sort of woman I would have wanted to be, it would have been horrific, because I never understood why he left (it was pretty sudden) but seeing that she was a beeatch, when I ahd already heard similar from other sources, was reassuring in a way.

It made me feel like I wasn't missing much if he liked that kind of person, enough to marry her. It made me lose even more respect for him, for being weak enough to stay with someone I'd heard was cruel to his other children. And finally it made me glad I hadn't let him take a 1yo Ds away from me to spend time with her, (which he tried to lie about) and that Ds hadn't been subjected to her alleged cruelty as well.

It showed me I'd turned a corcer as well, because when I went there I was looking like crap, messy hair, mumsy clothes, the works - and I didn't actually care that he was looking at me thinking 'ha ha, she looks awful' because my priority isn't wearing a mini skirt for him any more, it is looking after my children.

Moment of triumph

You'll get there, it might take a very long time, but you will xx

Noche that's true also about them not facing the issues that contributed to things going wrong before.
Mine seemed exactly the same as when he was with me - exaggerating stuff, bigging himself up, not telling the truth (I did some research ) and I believe he will probably repeat the same mistakes.

I on the other hand have learned to cope alone, which he will never do. He needs a drinking buddy.

At least you dd is being included. My dc found out by accident that their dad had married his girlfriend, there had been a party and they hadn't been included.

brightwell - ouch, that must hurt! My ex has not announced he is getting married again yet, but I'm sure he will. I feel sick at the thought of DS going to the wedding, but can see your DC's pain. Guess I can't have it both ways....

noche, I felt the same on hearing that my ex was going to have a new baby. They have an on off relationship, that was back on for a month when she apparently fell pregnant. His behaviour means that I don't feel much that's pleasant for him anymore, but it still felt like a punch in the stomach. I agree with amazinwoman and others that said about the loss of dreams. I watched my marriage fall apart, through little or no fault of mine, only to see him rebuild and make a new family before he'd even left our home.

Not finding it easy to get out much, I am unlikely to rebuild in time to have a family with any new partner I might be lucky enough to find, and so its pretty tough to watch another woman give my DC a sibling, when I can't. Just waiting for the marriage bombshell, once our divorce comes through

I've put it behind me by realising that his behavious means that I'm grateful that he's gone, but getting to that point took some time...

Noche, I sure understand you very well. I think men don´t really love a woman as we wished they could do. If they remarry and have new babies while we feel a punch in the stomach we probably can admit it. Another obstacle to overcome is a very easy think to say but quite different to do. I wish you all the best. XXX You deserve better, it will hurt you less as time goes on...

Oh noche, I have so much sympathy with you - my XP got married on Friday. Its a kiler, isn't it?

Mind you....rather her than me. I honestly mean that! I left him too...

Flight you're so right-I don't have much respect for him but it is even less now that he is marrying a woman who won't even speak to me and has told DD that she doesn't like me and I am not welcome in their house (we have only met once when I went out to the car as she had come with ex to drop Dd off. She wouldn't even look at me. I remember seeing ex's face-he was mortified)If he's left his marriage and his DD for her then good luck to them both! He even told me she was a psycho some time ago-think he may have conveniently forgotten that.
I guess part of me is scared that this time round it will work for him and I will be gutted that he was so foul to me...not sure this makes sense??

And another thing-how bloody dare she be horrible to me-SHE had an affair with MY husband??? I mean hello? And rang me up to give me a load of abuse a couple of times. DD can't understand why I will not be going to the wedding!

It doesn't seem fair, does it?

It hasn't happened to me but I know it must hurt. You deserve happier times and will get them.

I got a text message from my exh's girlfriend telling me that she ' thought it right I know that they got married in Feb...' Exh is not my dc's father...we had lived apart for 12 years before divorcing in 2007(I refused to pay for the divorce as he owes me thousands still, though I'll never see it(bastard))...I do not love him or have romantic feelings for him, but I felt ' ODD', didn't sleep much that night, but was over it by morning...was wierd though to feel like that. And good luck ' Mrs new wife' - you'll need it!!!

Noche this has never happened to me, but did to my mum, and she was the same as you all, but what I would like to add is that the reason it feels like such a betrayal, is because it is, just that. He was your husband, and he betrayed you, and you are sad for what could have been, had he been the man you thought he was. You are grieving for the man you married, not the man you divorced. I hope you find your way through, best of luck,

Good take on the issue, CC. Agree with so many posts here. I know it would cut me to ribbons, even though I don't want him. How dare he make someone else happy when I bore his most precious gifts in this life? It makes me feel like a vessel, or a chute, or a bloody milk cow. But after that, it makes me feel like a free woman. Because he is the naggiest bastard under the sun. Oh my life, he is his mother, only with even stupider hair.

Mourn a little and laugh a lot that someone else now has to put up with him, noche (if you can).

It does make sense, Noche...totally. I felt like that - how come he was being the best side of himself for her, and didn't want to know me or the baby...well. I put it down to his fear. With me he wasn't allowed to get pissed while in charge of our son. I wasn't a nag and I was very meek in suggesting he didn't bring cans of beer round and drink them all plus a bottle of wine, in one evening, in fact I never really said anything, but still, I wasn't enough 'fun'.
Also I think some men find it easier to commit to children who are not their own. it's odd. He left all his own children, even an adopted one, in order to be with first me (before I had mine) and then left that one as well to be with someone with three of her own. It was like he felt he was doing them a favour, which made him feel like he didn't have to be there, had no obligation. Somehow the knowledge that he owed his own children anything terrified him. True commitment phobia.
I was outraged that his new woman could be so bloody rude to me after she had been sleeping with him in secret. I mean, wtf? it was like I was the other woman. Tres bizarre...

wow all your expereinces are so similar and the feelings are how I feel.

Grieving the man you married, not the man you divorced, thats the killer for me, trying to make sense of him now.

Does my head in, and makes it harder fo rme to let go, when all he seems to be doing is making life hard for me and dd.

Interesting point about some how them not having so much responsibility, when they leave thier wn kids, and make a life with someone elses. I always thought that my dh just lost the plot after we had dd, altho she was much wanted and waited 3 yrs for.

Yet I do think that he is in a situation, which one day he will leave, and it will be easier to do so becuase the kids, are not his.

In my situation I rather think that ex dh is the hero inthe eyes of his new gf's family. He is the guy who has come along and swept her off her feet, and he loves the adoration. He actually told me once, (whilst not giving me or dd any visits or money) that 'she needed a holiday' cos the poor woman became a mum when she was 19 !!! So they took off longhaul, on his/our money.

She must be focising very heavily on this marriage working out, and I just have a feeling that he will not stay around for this marriage either. He is only 33 now!!

You know..when I think about my XP's new wife (how weird that sounds) my main feeling is...she's probably too good for him.

I rather hope he doesn't treat her like a general skivvy/nursemaid who's there to support him in his marvellous career and admire everything he does, and putting her down at every opportunity while completely ignoring her needs, wishes etc. As well as taking every opportunity to put her down.

Oh, can you guess that's how he treated me...and thats why we split up?

Hopefully he's learned his lesson!

Sorry for rant there....and thread hijack.