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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Don't want his girlfriend around my children...

79 replies

meanmutha · 01/04/2008 13:03

Advice... Court experience?
Have discovered that my ex has really been seeing his 'girlfriend' longer than he let on (was still trying to get me back...)Easter weekend he had her with our 3 children (8, 5 and 2) in caravan for 4 nights! (He told me just 1)Had never met her so I decided to introduce myself to her last Weds. She was conveniently standing smoking outside her local with a friend. I was as reasonable / calm as possible. I told her all I needed to including that he told me she was not a serious relationship (hence why involve children, confusing them?) and that I wasn't happy for them to spend time with her as if a family until I was convinced. She would barely speak to me or look at me. She had no idea I was unhappy with the situation. She said she would carry on seeing them! (He has told her god knows what lies about me.) As far as she knew they'd been serious at a time when he was still trying desperately to get me back aswell as playing the field on the side!. So he has completely lied to her and is using her , I believe, to make himself a new make-believe family which excludes me, the ex who wouldn't have him back. What can I do? He is refusing to listen to my requests that kids don't see her. I want to prevent access. We have not yet been to court.

OP posts:

Twinkie1 · 01/04/2008 13:07

This isn't a good enough reason to preent access and a court really wouldn't take any notice unless she was bad for the children - i.e. taking drugs infront of them or abusing them - you have to get to a stage where you realise that you do everything you can for them whilst they are with you and leave the rest to him!

As I do you will end up compensating for his behaviour when they come back ill or knackered as they haven't had enough of the right kind of food or had early enough bed times but really it is something that unless your X is totally compliant with your wishes that you will just have to swallow.

Monkeytrousers · 01/04/2008 13:13

I dunno. I understand that you want to protect your kids but you can't really dictate who he introduces them to.

Can you not ask him if you can put your disagrements aside on this matter and come to an agreement as to what's best for the kids. Maybe do it in writing so as to lessen the chance of arguments developing about other things during discussions. It would be a good idea to get any agreement down in writing anyway I think - so you both always know where you stand on the issue. It will cause less arguments later - as long as neither of you feels that you were co-erced or emotuonally blackmailed into any decision.

Also, casual realatiobnships often turn into serious ones. If it was me, I'd not talk to her at all, but your ex. Their relationship isn;t really any of your business as long as it isn;t harmful to the children.

Hope that doesn't sound to harsh.

Original poster

meanmutha · 01/04/2008 13:22

I think it is my business when the children are seeing her in my place. They are young so this is confusing for them. Why can't he see her seperately? If I met someone it would be ages before I thought it was worth introducing him to the kids. And I would be honest about it to the ex. He has kept the fact that she's been around secret. He told me 3 weeks ago he was going to end it with her!(Not sure whether he meant it or not now!)
Yes I do think we should put something in writing.

OP posts:

allgonebellyup · 01/04/2008 13:36

i have this dilemma too and its killing me.

But like the others say, you have no control over who your ex introduces his kids to.

I also beg him to keep them separate, but he lives with his pregnant girlfriend so its impossible - so my kids often snuggle up in bed with her!!
i have been suicidal over all this, and at the end of the day i have NO control.
My ex introduced his gf to my kids, a WEEK after meeting her, then a month later he knocked her up

So it looks like there is very little you can do , im sorry, i know it hurts like hell.

pedilia · 01/04/2008 13:51

It is something you will just have to learn to deal with I'm afraid.
You are their Mummmy and always will be and that is waht you have to focus on, as people have said already she would have to do soemthing pretty serious for a court to rule she is not to be around them.

My XP has a partner and new baby, I am just grateful that my DS gets on with her and feels comfortable around her as it would just make things more difficult for him if he hated her, especially if it was because I didn't like her!

Sometimes it is very difficult to seperate what we feel and be rational about a situation. I know this is not easy for you but I think you are going to have to just grin and bear it!

chamaeleon · 01/04/2008 13:56

im sorry but you have no right to tell him who he can and cannot introduce the children to. just as he cannot tell you. they are half his kids and if you stop access you will look very bad if it does go to court (which it probably will if you stop him seeing them). try seeing it the other way round - your ex tells you you are not allowed to see any of your friends while you have his kids with you unless he gives you permission first. you wouldnt be happy. the biggest danger is that he will tell the kids to lie to you about seeing her and then you will wind up with very unhappy kids. pick your battles, there will be more important stuff to get stressed about

Original poster

meanmutha · 01/04/2008 13:59

Awful isn't it?
This girl has her own place and is not pregnant so far. I am so angry about it because I am convinced he is doing it all to hurt me in only way he can.. replacing me when with the kids. He's very manipulative. And she laughed at me when I was talking to her!!! (when not on her mobile or txting!) Very odd,rude behaviour and it's made me think .. how can she have the childrens best interests at heart?

OP posts:

Jackstini · 01/04/2008 14:00

Sounds horrid mm but there is not really anything you can do - although it must hurt like hell.
You might want to agree some ground rules though - e.g no smoking in front of kids (I only say that as you mentioned her smoking in your post)

Jackstini · 01/04/2008 14:02

She doesn't have your children's best interests at heart - she has her own. Sad but likely true.
And don't worry - he won't replace you in your kids eyes

Original poster

meanmutha · 01/04/2008 14:02

But she's not his friend now is she, its gone beyond that when shes sat in my seat in the car, with them all in a caravan, sleeping in Daddy's bed..?

OP posts:

allgonebellyup · 01/04/2008 14:05

Yes she probably does have her own selfish interests at heart, not your childrens'. She also sounds rude and like she needs a slap.
But karma sometimes has a nasty way of sneaking up on people when they least expect it..

chamaeleon · 01/04/2008 14:06

i think it is a sign of a weak and pathetic man if he cannot look after his kids on his own. not all the time of course but they should be capable of doing it at least some of the time! my x replaced me really quickly, am sure she would have laughed at me if i approached her aswell because he must have told her some huge great whopping lies for her to go anywhere near him!

if its any consolation my kids have lost most of their respect for my x because he plays these games. luckily i have a lovely dh who they have seen as a dad for most of their lives so although i think it is sad they know their dad is crap at least they can look at dh and see how a man should behave.

chin up, back straight and rise above it! dont approach them again, pretend not to care and his little games wont work

wannaBe · 01/04/2008 14:08

they are his children too. And now that you are no longer together he is entitled to see who he chooses, when he chooses, including when his children are with him.

I know it hurts, but it really would be better for you to agree on this without it having to go to court - it will just give him something else to be smug about if a court has agreed with him, and agree with him they will.

lostdad · 01/04/2008 14:14

People move on, brutal as it sounds.

My ex sent me an email a couple of weeks back telling me she had a new boyfriend and how well he gets on with my own son.

That'll be the new boyfriend who hasn't had to go to court to be able to see my son and very probably spends more time with him than I do.

What can I do about it? Nothing. I have to trust my ex that she has chosen someone who will care for him. A small part of me tells me that it could be someone else looking out for my son...and the rest of me feels exactly like you, meanmutha.

allgonebellyup · 01/04/2008 14:17

i agree about the weak and pathetic man bit - my ex always has his gf and his mother and sister in tow..he probably loves having this little army of women following him and my kids everywhere.. and the baby he is expecting is a girl too..

why cant he just spend some time with his kids without the whole entourage? especially his gf, who i have never been allowed to meet.
Why should a complete stranger to me spend every weekend friday-monday with my children?

And not to be a snob, but she speaks in a very common way and my kids return home speaking like they come from Eastenders(dropping their Ts etc), and it takes a while for it to wear off...

Monkeytrousers · 01/04/2008 14:21

Do you think you could come to an agreement not to introduce people to them unless they are serious about them?

Thing is, you probably won't like this either - it's just hard whichever way you look at it.

I don't think it is confusing for the kids. You are their mum.

Can you imagine a time when it won't matter to you about this particular woman - cos that is the best situation for the kids - thay you all get on, unimaginable as that might seem.

And it will save you a few stresses. She isn't userping you.

lostdad · 01/04/2008 14:24

No trying to be funny here...but would it be OK for your ex to stipulate who your kids could and couldn't see while they were with you?

Or would you consider that controlling behaviour?

Original poster

meanmutha · 01/04/2008 14:35

I would not introduce someone to them like this unless it was very serious. Friends are fine. Someone in my place who (behind her back)he has no respect for is not fine!

OP posts:

Monkeytrousers · 01/04/2008 14:39

Why not go to Relate? They help you do these things and remain civil - if you want that.

Monkeytrousers · 01/04/2008 14:44

Or this Relate guide on learning from past mistakes for under 2 quid!? Starting again

Monkeytrousers · 01/04/2008 14:45

This one might be better Breaking up without breaking down Only a quid this one.

Monkeytrousers · 01/04/2008 14:47

Here's another one Help your children cope with your divorce

MotherFunk · 01/04/2008 14:56

Message withdrawn

minorityrules · 01/04/2008 14:57

I always thought I would wait until a relationship was serious to introduce a new partner. In reality, being a single mum I couldn't. I've only had one relationship since marriage broke down and he met the kids in the first 2 weeks. He picked me up to go out for dinner. He stayed over occasionally too, I wouldn't have been able to have a relationship if if needed to be hidden. I have since had dates and have told them they are dates.

It isn't fair to tell an ex how to run their lives and who they can see when the children are around, they are their children too. Unless you are willing for him to dictate the same to you, then you need to learn to ignore it

I think as well, in a marriage/partnership, the woman still does most of the childcare these days, so men find it daunting to be alone with the kids (not very pc i know, but it still happens) and men living away from the family have more time to meet a new partner so things tend to move on quicker for them. I know it hurts but I think you just need to grit teeth and bear it

pedilia · 01/04/2008 14:58

I have to agree with MF, this sounds more about unresolved feelings you have for your ex than anything else.

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