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Original poster

Don't want his girlfriend around my children...

79 replies

meanmutha · 01/04/2008 13:03

Advice... Court experience?
Have discovered that my ex has really been seeing his 'girlfriend' longer than he let on (was still trying to get me back...)Easter weekend he had her with our 3 children (8, 5 and 2) in caravan for 4 nights! (He told me just 1)Had never met her so I decided to introduce myself to her last Weds. She was conveniently standing smoking outside her local with a friend. I was as reasonable / calm as possible. I told her all I needed to including that he told me she was not a serious relationship (hence why involve children, confusing them?) and that I wasn't happy for them to spend time with her as if a family until I was convinced. She would barely speak to me or look at me. She had no idea I was unhappy with the situation. She said she would carry on seeing them! (He has told her god knows what lies about me.) As far as she knew they'd been serious at a time when he was still trying desperately to get me back aswell as playing the field on the side!. So he has completely lied to her and is using her , I believe, to make himself a new make-believe family which excludes me, the ex who wouldn't have him back. What can I do? He is refusing to listen to my requests that kids don't see her. I want to prevent access. We have not yet been to court.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 01/04/2008 15:07

i dont think you have any grounds at all for preventing access

he has a girlfriend and there really isnt any reason why she and he together cant spend time with his children just as you would spend time with whomever you wished to with or without children

they wontr get confused unless you start ranting and getting het up about it

life moves on as do relationships and children are very good at accepting that

you have to as well

Monkeytrousers · 01/04/2008 15:12

Of course she's jealous - perfectly natural to be! She needs help managing these feelings.

Original poster
meanmutha · 01/04/2008 15:15

Ok,I am angry and shocked that he didn't tell me the truth about her and that he tried to make me believe she meant nothing to him. I think he is trying to make me jealous in the only way he can, replacing me when with the children.Yes it is working and very painful too.
The girl was with a mutual friend who knows all about this and says that I didn't come across as being aggressive or anything. I had a right to meet her and not on his twisted terms. She should have insisted on it herself.

OP posts:
lostdad · 01/04/2008 15:18

Meanmutha - believe me, I know how you feel.

MotherFunk · 01/04/2008 15:21

Message withdrawn

Original poster
meanmutha · 01/04/2008 15:38

Thanks for posts evryone and thanks mtrousers for those leaflets. We tried relate when things got bad between us. He didn't want to go back.
Thing is MF that they see each other when children are mostly there. And I don't see why he can't seperate things out til he is really sure of things. When I met her I asked her if she thought it was a long term relationship and she said she didn't know! Like Min.rules said he is daunted by being on his own with them because he did very little when we were together. But I don't want him getting someone else in for childcare!
I wish I'd been able to let him back into my life but I didn't trust him anymore. Now I know my instinct was right!

OP posts:
MotherFunk · 01/04/2008 15:46

Message withdrawn

MissGelly · 01/04/2008 15:50

This sounds like me about a year ago....I didnt want the Ex back, but I didnt want him playing happy families with my kids with someone else either.. I was torn up with jealousy about my kids being cuddled by another woman and spending time with someone else.

I never met the woman though or demanded an introduction...I just didnt think it was my place really.

What he does or doesnt say or feel about her is nothing to you...You'd just got to accept that he's going to go on with his life, and make lots of mistakes. Sounds as if he doesnt care about her and she'll probably be history soon enough. My ex moved his new girlfriend in within 6 months of meeting her. She moved out in another 6 months so he's back on his own - as I predicted. And they were both in their 50's so not young and impetuous!
I don't think men like being alone very much and would rather have anyone rather than no one....

Original poster
meanmutha · 01/04/2008 16:04

Yes! Thats true, he would rather have anyone than no-one and all the better if shes helping with the kids!
No I don't want him back. He's been more of a love-rat than I knew (when we were together, things have come out) and I can't cope with the mis-trust. Sadly.
His mother has virtually disowned him over the way he almost made me and kids homeless.
He went insane wth jealousy when he discovered I'd slept with another man (post breakup, kids away) by counting condoms in my bedside drawer!! (Thats coming round while I was away aswell) So he's quite driven by his jealousy and I think thats what at the heart of his realationship with this girl.

OP posts:
Twinkie1 · 01/04/2008 16:07

He is not replacing you - that you have to understand - not as their mum anyway - you will always be their mum and whoever you end up will wil probaby be more of a dad to them than he will be and this woman will ever be a mum just because they will probably spend more time with you.

When I went to court to fight for custody of DD the main thing I was told that it was about the kids welfare - my feelings of hate for my husband couldn't cloud anything - I had to go and say I had no annimosity towards him - althogh I still dream about him having a run in with a HGV! - the court takes a dim view of you not wanting your kids to have contact with their parent unless it is for a child protection issue.

Twinkie1 · 01/04/2008 16:08

And if you had come up to me and started telling me what you wanted in erms of my relationship with a new boyfriend I would have been far ruder to you than to fiddle with my phone - think the words fuck off - I do not have a relationship with you so I do not want to talk to you - would have come into it.

Original poster
meanmutha · 01/04/2008 16:14

I think I had the right to meet her because she was spending time with my children. I was not unpleasant to her...I just had to meet her and not on his manipulative terms. I was prepared for 'fuck off' and laughing at me was just as bad. Still, I am glad I met her and think I did the right thing.

OP posts:
Twinkie1 · 01/04/2008 16:17

Are you going to introduce everyone who spends time with your kids when you have them to your Ex?

Don't even go there - if he is a good dad let him be their dad and make those decisions - sweat the big stuff and leave the rest - you will get laughed out of court and could lose them if he goes for residence!

Are you actually going to court or was that as an answer to him seeing this girl - it is a hard long draining expensive road and I would try and avoid it at all costs! It cost us tens of thousands of pounds and lots of grief and heartache - really not worth it for something like this.

Let him live his lofe and you live yours - your ideas on how to parent and when to introduce new people will be different but you will have to get over it.

Monkeytrousers · 01/04/2008 16:19

I think I would be extremely jealousof another women playing mum with my child. Far worse than with my ex.

Twinkie1 · 01/04/2008 16:20

God I am sure she dreads it - if it were me I would - she is his girlfriend not your kids mum!

allgonebellyup · 01/04/2008 16:21

my ex spends all his time with his gf and my kids, so i am with meanmutha that i would like to know this person. But i do readily admit i am jealous and do want him back.
The girlfriend has texted me saying i ruined my relationship with my ex, not her, and that she says i should be proud of my wonderful kids - she really "cares" about them.

Original poster
meanmutha · 01/04/2008 16:27

I am the main carer of my children and unfortunately ex has been having them every weekend overnight 2 nights. So except in hols he has them all of their proper leisure time. They used to spend 2/3 nights a week with grandparents when we were together because he was always away working/at football/ out drinking and I was struggling. I am going to court ,if thats what he wants to claw back a bit of time for me and grandparents to spend with children. And this girlfriend business has made me more determined.

OP posts:
ShakeysGirl · 01/04/2008 17:15

He has every right to have a gf its harsh but unless shes a danger to your children you have to keep your distance. My ex has been fantastic with me having a new partner, even at christmas he got the kids to write a christmas card to mummy and uncle xxxx which was lovely. When he gets a gf i hope that they do play happy families and that she does cuddle them and treat them like her own when they are with her as i just want them to be happy. They are his kids too.

Monkeytrousers · 01/04/2008 17:23

I think it is very reasonable that you would want to know anyone that was going to be spending a substantial amouunt of time with your kids.

Everyone else with have your approval, including childcare workers that will have to have a police check.

Kids of single parents are very vulnerable in these situations if a parent is dating a lot and introducing people to them, putting them in a position of trust, with out knowing them very well.

But saying that she might not like spending all of her freetime sharing him too.

I would start to draft a preliminary childcare agreement asking questions and answering them honestly - such as when you want to see them and why (grandparents, weekend freetime etc) - but let him (and her if she is an important part of his life and as her opinion might not be the same as his) answer them too - and the grandparents.

This will give you all something to build up a working agreement with each other, taking everyones feelings into account.

The important thing is working it out so your kids are secure and not being used by one aniother to hurt eachother. I think the relate book about divorce will help you, and if your in control, he can't take that from you.

beaniesteve · 01/04/2008 17:28

you have to see it from her perspective though surely? You say " told her all I needed to including that he told me she was not a serious relationship " ... what if this was the first she had heard of it? She probably thinks you are just jealous and trying to split them up for some reason.

personally I think there was no reason for you to tell her this. She's a grown-up and if she can't see her boyfriend is treating her like shit then it's not really your job to tell her. Let her find out by herself.

It sounds to me like you are better off without him but he is going to be allowed access to the kids - lying to his current girlfreind and lying to you isn't a good enough reason to prevent access.

Monkeytrousers · 01/04/2008 17:37

That particular comment does jar a bit with me to be honest. You already know not to trust you ex and you and her have a lot in common when you think about it. If you can't be more understanding of her (if she is a serious partner - and it's in your interets that she like your kids too - try to pity her. She's only making a mistake you did once.

littlewoman · 02/04/2008 00:00

Meanmutha, I understand how much this hurts, and I think you were really brave meeting her. I was in the same position 4 years ago, and she is still with xh, even though he was trying to get back with me for the first year or so. I didn't tell her. Let her find out the hard way - like I had to - that he is a kernob.

Unfortunately, I don't think you can stop him from having her present with your children. Sympathise with your anger though. You are their mum, it's horrible to feel like he is trying to squeeze you out but, honestly, this can never happen. Our children are always ours.

Original poster
meanmutha · 02/04/2008 08:52

Yes I know it makes me sound like a right harpey (?) that I told her what he'd said about her being unimportant to him. I needed to explain why I was unhappy about the kids seeing her though. He said similar stuff about her to his brother too. It just seemed so unfair to everyone. Anyway she doesn't believe me because he's covered the truth with lies now. When I first got together with him I had no idea what a good liar he was or how manipulative. (Should be a politician) What with the distractions of kids and him away a lot I had little time to realise. At least when she realises she will know I told the truth.

OP posts:
allgonebellyup · 02/04/2008 10:48

It sounds like you are het up with this other woman taking over your children, but really its because you dont like him with her too, isnt it?

Because i am in the exact same position as you and say i dont like his gf being with my kids, but i know that when my feelings for him eventually fade, i wont feel so bad about her seeing my kids too.
Does that make sense?

i think your desire to tell the gf all about how you think your ex is mucking her around all stems from your unresolved feelings towards him. If you didnt care about him then you wouldnt give a monkeys' if he messed this girl around.
And yes, you do feel protective/jealous of this woman with your family, but, like me, you will have to grin and bear it, and hope for the pain to fade.

Twinkie1 · 02/04/2008 10:53

Why does he have them every weekend - that is not good - the judge ruled that my XH has DD half the school holidays and every other weekend, this is the norm - you can do this by getting a statement of arrangements drawn up through a solicitor and not going to court, well unless he fights it.

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