Don't want his girlfriend around my children...

[meanmutha]

Advice... Court experience?
Have discovered that my ex has really been seeing his 'girlfriend' longer than he let on (was still trying to get me back...)Easter weekend he had her with our 3 children (8, 5 and 2) in caravan for 4 nights! (He told me just 1)Had never met her so I decided to introduce myself to her last Weds. She was conveniently standing smoking outside her local with a friend. I was as reasonable / calm as possible. I told her all I needed to including that he told me she was not a serious relationship (hence why involve children, confusing them?) and that I wasn't happy for them to spend time with her as if a family until I was convinced. She would barely speak to me or look at me. She had no idea I was unhappy with the situation. She said she would carry on seeing them! (He has told her god knows what lies about me.) As far as she knew they'd been serious at a time when he was still trying desperately to get me back aswell as playing the field on the side!. So he has completely lied to her and is using her , I believe, to make himself a new make-believe family which excludes me, the ex who wouldn't have him back. What can I do? He is refusing to listen to my requests that kids don't see her. I want to prevent access. We have not yet been to court.

my ex dh also has the kids every weekend fri-sun/mon.

i told him that once ds starts school in Sept then it should be cut back to every other weekend, but he got in a HUGE rage and said i am being a bitch and trying to stop him seeing his son, and he will take me to court and stop paying our mortgage for us.

A court wouldn't allow him to have your son every weekend - they are very sensitive to both parents having contact with kids and being able to have leisure time with them when they are not at school.

but my ex argues that i will have him every morning before school and evenings, although i will be working full time and will only see him 2hrs a day!

He is getting so nasty about it all when ive been trying so hard to be friends with him.
Im scared i will back down and let him have his way just so we arent clawing each others eyes out..

I was only working part time when we went to court so XH could have said that I see DD lots more than him but they don't take into account school days really.

Go and see a solicitor and get him to tell you what is normally done re this issue - your XP/H is being very unreasonable and this would go against him in court.

Allgone, that is just shit*y!!! You get to have them for all the day to day, dreary, boring tasks, and he gets the fun and relaxation of every weekend?!! What a NOB!

I have been told the same by my solicitor i.e. that a court would split the leisure time and go for alternate w/e's. Our solicitors have had a chat and because he's making a massive thing of it I am offering 1 night 1 w/e and 2 the next.
I really wish things had worked between us but no, Allgone, I can't think of having him back as he revealed more and more of his nasty/troubled side as we seperated and I refuse to be a martyr for the sake of keeping my family together. He constantly undermined me and I had become a shell by the end of our relationship, ill and having to have counselling to end it. It was extremely unhealthy.

Would you be prepared to split `normal' time as well as leisure time - your children spending more time with him overall?

I know don't know your ex's attitude to this, but personally speaking I would welcome any extra time with my son - but my ex would (and does) rather leave him with her family or friends than with me.

No, I am not prepared to do that as , well my youngest is only 2 and I want them to continue with this as their main home.

Only offer what the court will give him - make sure it is in the records that you have offered that - he is being a tosser - do not let his histronics mean you have less time with your DC!

Get a solicitor to send him a letter telling him that you are being reasonable and if you go to court you will go for costs as well - that should scare him and you would probably get them if he is unreasonable.

thing is it can backfire. DHs x took him to court to try and change the days that he had the DDs. he had them every sat and sun 11-6. the court ruled that he was to have them 1 wkday from after school-8 and 3 weekends fri-sun and 1 weekend fri-sat plus half all school hols. since then she has never had them on the days that she's supposed to and they pretty much come and go as they please. she never seems to know where they are (we do) or what they're doing. it makes them feel like she only did it to spite dad and has had a negative effect on her relationship with them. this all happened when they were 5 & 3 and they remember how horrible it was. so if you do want to go down the court route be sure that it is for the kids and not for you. and be totally honest with yourself about it.

MM, just a few weeks ago I was in the same situation as you, just on the other side. You are legally backed up as in: your ex needs to prove he has a stable and strong relationship with that girl, minimum of 6 months. I'm really against kids being introduced to hoardes of new partners and getting confused and coming second.

Step parents are not always like this though. I really really love my dscs and they love me. They give me kisses, wave enthusiatically, hug and play with me, paint pictures and ask me for help and advice. But I also make sure I'm their friend and remind them of cards and gifts for their mummy and would never dream of taking that woman's place. When their mother's partner left her and she started the whole thing of legal action, screaming down the phone and generally turned from a normal person into Skylla over night. A lot of the lovely MN single mums have given their advice how I best deal with it and it has worked. We set up new guidelines till she feels more comfortable but I stood my ground on being with my dp all the while (I'm pregnant with our first) and also see the kids. MNs agreed it would not be in the kids best interests to 'banish' me from my rightful place at my partners side and she was being unreasonable.

I agree with you, that if your dp hasn't been seeing that girl for a long time, then maybe it's nt right to introduce them without your knowledge, but ultimately, you have to rise above it and imagine how things would be if YOU were to introduce your new man to them. Wouldn't you want your ex to be happy for you? People move on and the jealousie you feel is understandable but a waste of energy.

MF is right when she said it was immature and not well planned how you walked up to her. The girl was probably nervous and embarassed. Telling her she didn't mean anything to your ex may be the truth but how can she take you seriously??? Of course she'll laugh it off because she knows you're jealous.

Do you think mediation can help to sort out issues re childcare? It sounds as if you can say about your ex: Good riddance to bad rubbish. I hope you can learn to look forward into YOUR new future with great new experiences.

Wishing you all the best.

Alexa, please don't think I am having a go, I certainly am not because what you say will be true eventually, but... whilst I agree with you (rationally) about being mature, these things have a tendency to loosen our brains to the degree that we are, in actual fact, unhinged. I was literally bashing myself in the face with a telephone receiver over some disagreement I had with xh when we split up. It was so important that I can't even remember what it was about now . But at the time, my world was shredded to fuck and I didn't care if I died. Did not care at all. MM can't look forward to her new future, because she's not at that point yet. She is grieving her past.

At this point, I hope my xh's dp is nice to my children. That is the best I can hope for them. But four years ago, when she was the OW and I had been dumped with 6 kids, I wanted her dead in hell and covered in shit. There is a time and a season for all things

All other posters, I didn't mean to implicate you in my degree of 'unhingedness'. Maybe that's just me, hope so for your sanity's sakes

Dear littlewoman, I do feel for you. It must have been a terrible time for you. I bet for every person that truly loves your children and respects their mother's (your) wishes, there are ten not giving a flying f**k. I didn't know there was another woman. You have my full understanding there. I guess I'd be a raging serial killer if my dp had a fling and then that piece of trash OW would even dare to be in my dcs proximity.

I just think MM should look ahead because she should be glad to be rid of the w*nker but I guess you're right, it is easier said then done to get over a broken heart and shattered dreams.

Legally she can stop the girl being with her kids if the relationship that woman has, hasn't been stable for over 6 months. If I were her and uncomfortable with the situation, then I'd do that. A solicitor will arrange this. I'm sure she can pull it off, the law is in her favour, it decides what's best for the kids and a stable environment the most important. The new person in her partner's life has to prove she's a) got staying power and b) she is a force of good in MM's childrens' lives and willing to put them and both their parents' wishes first. Otherwise it should be made clear to her that this is how dating a father works. If it doesn't agree with her then she should find herself a single guy.

i would agree that i do feel unhinged at times in this situation!

Poor BellyUp, I can see that you do by your postings sometimes. It will get better, I can promise you.
What Alexa says is true, eventually your are glad to get rid of the w*nker, but there's a lot of stuff to sort through first. What I found hardest was facing the big black hole that used to be my future, but which had suddenly turned into years of nothingness stretching ahead of me. Suddenly, SHE, the OW, had got my future .
You come to dream a new dream, in time. Then you can start to heal.

MM, sorry, I've hijacked your thread a bit. How do you feel about legally preventing her from seeing your children? The problem is that everybody's bound to say 'she's just being bitter' (most abhorrent word), and won't see the validity of your concerns even if they are founded.

Just to buck a trend:

My ex does not take our kids to see his fluff. If he even tries it I'll move so far away he'll see then a couple of times a year at most.

thanks littlewoman for your kind words.

madmuggle , would you really move away so they couldnt see his gf???

though i have to admit, i have considered moving 200miles up north just to make life harder for ex and his gf, but then its not fair on the dc who adore their dad.

I would. With only enough hesitation to ensure we were properly packed and had somewhere to move into.

In practice if you deny all contact in this country and ignore court orders obliging you to make contact they don't jail you and mothers get away with it. That is very very wrong and very unfair on fathers but it works. People manage to ensure their partner doesn't see the children for a year, more sometimes too.

I wouldn't mind my ex seeing the children with another woman - I think once he took them swimming with someone and her children but then I was the one who wanted the divorce and neither of us had another person involved so that side of things is not so emotive.

I think we should move to 50% of the time with each parent which will make it easier for women too who want to get back to full tine work and ensure man have children at the hard times too like up in the night being sick on a school day and having to pay for and arrange after school care and get school uniform ready not kind of pretend parenting only on weekend trips which is not real life.

An interesting theory, but as you have alluded to, emotion makes a mockery of the rational possibilities.

Personally I would not wish my ex to have our children 50% of the time (even if he were without fluff), purely from a logistical point of view. He doesn't live anywhere near their school and wouldn't be able to enable them to continue their education there. I will not move to please him, and I know that he will not move to be near them either. Just one example of how it can all go to pieces.

My ex lives 5 minutes away in an unmortgaged 5 bed detached bought with what feels like my money and has never once had any of the 5 children to stay with him and I work full time and support us all so I'm a bit biased about forcing fathers to do 50%!

I can understand the sentiment, believe me! For all our time together my ex had very little time for actually interacting with his children. In your position and circumstances I would inevitably feel the same