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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Why are men so bitter about paying maintenance?

645 replies

bidoofisgod · 31/01/2024 18:34

Just that really. Why do they get so resentful about paying for their kids and then expect us to be so grateful for getting their measly money whilst they complain about it?
I get £25 a month. And it's thrown in my face every time we speak, and then when I offer to help with childcare over half term as he has to work on days he has the kids (im a TA so will be off anyway) he says no because he doesn't want me using it to demand more money from him, and would rather pay someone else for childcare. How does that make any sense? All the while he's out living his life whilst I'm left with the kids and the dog which he wanted but now "can't have" and I have to shoulder the financial burden off.
All the same time whilst saying he doesn't want to divorce and wants us to work it out. Really selling yourself here and making yourself so attractive. Ffs

Sorry, rant over

OP posts:
StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 27/12/2024 15:03

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 14:57

Proof in the pudding!

Its called ‘Child maintenance service’ not ‘ex maintenance service’.

The missing 10% is being used to prop up your lifestyle instead of you wanting to better yourself financially to earn that yourself.

What are you even on about?

I shouldn't use less than 10% of my own money on myself?

Whereas you you spend over 85% of your money on yourself.

This would be hilarious if it wasn't so predictable and depressing.

SecondUsername4me · 27/12/2024 15:12

tax is at 40%

On 55k, you get your full tax free allowance, 12570
Pay 20% on the bit between 12570 and 50270.

So you pay 40% on about 4,800. So what's that? 1,920. A year.

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 15:13

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 27/12/2024 15:03

What are you even on about?

I shouldn't use less than 10% of my own money on myself?

Whereas you you spend over 85% of your money on yourself.

This would be hilarious if it wasn't so predictable and depressing.

Apologies, I read that as you spend 90% of CMS money on your kids.

How do you think a father would react when they’re son has been clearly neglected (deliberately or not)?

The money I spend is leaving my son an inheritance and a first step in life - sorry for living life the way I do.

That’s the problem with the UK, everything is expected as standard. There isn’t enough resource in place to monitor those abusing the system.

Maybe some mums should go and live in a third world country and see what support they get there because you’re so hard done by at the moment?

cadburyegg · 27/12/2024 15:15

Maybe some mums should go and live in a third world country and see what support they get there because you’re so hard done by at the moment?

Maybe you should go and live in America where you can't even buy a donut if you're behind on child support, if you think you're so hard done by at the moment?

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 15:18

SecondUsername4me · 27/12/2024 15:12

tax is at 40%

On 55k, you get your full tax free allowance, 12570
Pay 20% on the bit between 12570 and 50270.

So you pay 40% on about 4,800. So what's that? 1,920. A year.

Any further salary increases are subject to 40% tax plus the additional CMS.

CMS is calculated on my gross salary and the amount I pay is after tax.

Would you take a 10k salary increase to lose circa 50%?

Our society relies on progression and people working until retirement and the incentive is reduced with the current situation.

e.g. Many tradesmen create limited companies and expense all their finances to reduce their level of income which ultimately reduces the amount paid to the parent receiving CMS.

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 15:19

cadburyegg · 27/12/2024 15:15

Maybe some mums should go and live in a third world country and see what support they get there because you’re so hard done by at the moment?

Maybe you should go and live in America where you can't even buy a donut if you're behind on child support, if you think you're so hard done by at the moment?

I can buy 10 donuts as I pay every month, without fail. I’m not having the typical stereotype applying to me.

SecondUsername4me · 27/12/2024 15:20

Maybe some mums should go and live in a third world country and see what support they get there because you’re so hard done by at the moment?

Maybe dad's should do the 5 days a week and see how relentless it is.

SecondUsername4me · 27/12/2024 15:22

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 15:18

Any further salary increases are subject to 40% tax plus the additional CMS.

CMS is calculated on my gross salary and the amount I pay is after tax.

Would you take a 10k salary increase to lose circa 50%?

Our society relies on progression and people working until retirement and the incentive is reduced with the current situation.

e.g. Many tradesmen create limited companies and expense all their finances to reduce their level of income which ultimately reduces the amount paid to the parent receiving CMS.

You chose to have a baby. Parenting often means you can't progress at work as much as you'd like (especially for women).

Make a kid, live with the consequences.

You'd be spending a significantly higher amount if you and your ex were still together, funding the family lifestyle, and you'd not get 5 days off every week.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 27/12/2024 15:23

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 15:13

Apologies, I read that as you spend 90% of CMS money on your kids.

How do you think a father would react when they’re son has been clearly neglected (deliberately or not)?

The money I spend is leaving my son an inheritance and a first step in life - sorry for living life the way I do.

That’s the problem with the UK, everything is expected as standard. There isn’t enough resource in place to monitor those abusing the system.

Maybe some mums should go and live in a third world country and see what support they get there because you’re so hard done by at the moment?

Your son is neglected?

Presumably you're going to court to be the RP then?

Or are you just going to allow this money grabbing child neglecter to have your son most of the time while you do nothing to protect your child?

Your answer to men having to pay child support is for women to go to developing countries and suffer more, then come back and be grateful for a pittance because others have it worse?

The irony of you complaining about clothes that are slightly too small and some days off nursery, or having to pay a few percent of a 55k salary, which is a problem some people would love to have, isn't lost on me at all.

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 15:31

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 27/12/2024 15:23

Your son is neglected?

Presumably you're going to court to be the RP then?

Or are you just going to allow this money grabbing child neglecter to have your son most of the time while you do nothing to protect your child?

Your answer to men having to pay child support is for women to go to developing countries and suffer more, then come back and be grateful for a pittance because others have it worse?

The irony of you complaining about clothes that are slightly too small and some days off nursery, or having to pay a few percent of a 55k salary, which is a problem some people would love to have, isn't lost on me at all.

Yes neglected when dressed in small clothes for whatever purpose RP intended?

What’s the point? If we are sitting here talking about the best for the child, what benefit would there be to his life with me packing up work? Instead, we’ll have two parents on benefits, not working? Someone has to lead by example.

My salary is down to me and the work I’ve put into my career which started way before I met my ex. If mums are struggling with payments, then they need to better themselves instead of asking CMS for a mandatory recalculation?

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 15:34

SecondUsername4me · 27/12/2024 15:22

You chose to have a baby. Parenting often means you can't progress at work as much as you'd like (especially for women).

Make a kid, live with the consequences.

You'd be spending a significantly higher amount if you and your ex were still together, funding the family lifestyle, and you'd not get 5 days off every week.

We both agreed to have a baby…

Mums can get a termination without a fathers approval but men committed to years of CMS if the relationship fails…

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 27/12/2024 15:35

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 15:31

Yes neglected when dressed in small clothes for whatever purpose RP intended?

What’s the point? If we are sitting here talking about the best for the child, what benefit would there be to his life with me packing up work? Instead, we’ll have two parents on benefits, not working? Someone has to lead by example.

My salary is down to me and the work I’ve put into my career which started way before I met my ex. If mums are struggling with payments, then they need to better themselves instead of asking CMS for a mandatory recalculation?

You expect her to have a child through the week and single parent, plus better herself career wise, while simultaneously not putting any extra pressure on you?

Your career can progress because she has your child full time through the week.

If your son is neglected why aren't you going for residency?

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 15:41

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 27/12/2024 15:35

You expect her to have a child through the week and single parent, plus better herself career wise, while simultaneously not putting any extra pressure on you?

Your career can progress because she has your child full time through the week.

If your son is neglected why aren't you going for residency?

A Child needs both parents and I would want him to have a close relationship with his mum.

Mediation/court cases are not always the best resolution hence the topic of men feeling ‘bitter’ - anyhow, if I thought this was a suitable option, I’d have to pay thousands in legal fees whereas RP would get legal aid - more tax payers money.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 27/12/2024 15:46

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 15:41

A Child needs both parents and I would want him to have a close relationship with his mum.

Mediation/court cases are not always the best resolution hence the topic of men feeling ‘bitter’ - anyhow, if I thought this was a suitable option, I’d have to pay thousands in legal fees whereas RP would get legal aid - more tax payers money.

So he's neglected enough for you to slate her online, but not enough that you would actually do anything about it.

Yup, that's probably the final call on the "poor hardworking dad and mean money grabbing ex" bingo card there.

How does this work, do they pull you aside in school and give you this script? Or is it more of a genetic thing that somehow implants in your brain when you hit a certain age? I've always wondered.

jo7113 · 27/12/2024 15:47

@Daddycool2024 legal aid for family court is only available where there is evidence of domestic abuse.

Are you saying your ex would get this?

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 15:51

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 27/12/2024 15:46

So he's neglected enough for you to slate her online, but not enough that you would actually do anything about it.

Yup, that's probably the final call on the "poor hardworking dad and mean money grabbing ex" bingo card there.

How does this work, do they pull you aside in school and give you this script? Or is it more of a genetic thing that somehow implants in your brain when you hit a certain age? I've always wondered.

To be clear (again), I’ve answered the question so many mums have regarding fathers and brought my situation to the table to provide clarity.

I’m unsure, as you obviously think
money grows on trees and your language towards men is disgusting, hence why your partner moved on.

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 15:53

jo7113 · 27/12/2024 15:47

@Daddycool2024 legal aid for family court is only available where there is evidence of domestic abuse.

Are you saying your ex would get this?

LOL!

That’s a leading comment Jo…

jo7113 · 27/12/2024 15:54

@Daddycool2024 I'm actually interested what you would like from your ex? What is your ideal scenario? (Besides the dressing in clothes that fit).

Would you want her to work full time as you do, split all costs and time equally etc? No maintenance either way?

I'm genuinely intrigued as to what would be ideal from your point of view?

cadburyegg · 27/12/2024 15:54

What’s the point? If we are sitting here talking about the best for the child, what benefit would there be to his life with me packing up work? Instead, we’ll have two parents on benefits, not working? Someone has to lead by example.

Interesting. No one suggested that you should give up work. So, you'd expect to have to stop working if you were the primary carer of your son. But you are complaining about your ex not working at the moment, even she's the primary carer. So it's ok for you not to work, but not her?

You still haven't answered my point from further up the thread, about how many jobs are around that offer 9-3 working hours?

Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to work full time and be the primary carer of a small child?

Let me ask another question, who takes on most of the mental load in your co-parenting relationship? In case you're unclear on what I mean, who organises play dates for your child? Who organises and takes your child to medical appointments? Who plans the majority of your child's meals? Who supports your child with any issues at nursery? Who is most familiar with your child's key worker at nursery? Who takes care of your child when they are unwell? Who plans the nap and bedtime routine, and deals with the majority of sleep regressions and night wakings? Who deals with the toddler tantrums? Who researches age appropriate activities? Who is the one who always has to pack a bag full of supplies (nappies, snacks etc) before they go out? Who finds age appropriate toys and books to play with? Who does the majority of the nursery runs? Who is the one always thinking ahead to the next stage and planning accordingly? 2 year olds require constant attention, planning, and care.

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 15:54

jo7113 · 27/12/2024 15:47

@Daddycool2024 legal aid for family court is only available where there is evidence of domestic abuse.

Are you saying your ex would get this?

To be clear, I believe you do get legal aid if you’re on benefits. Similar to being arrested and the police providing you a solicitor…

1234567990qwerty · 27/12/2024 15:56

@Daddycool2024 You say you take home about 3k, your mortgage is 1400 and you pay 400 in child maintenance so you have 1.2k left each month to pay your bills, etc. your ex gets Universal Credit and CM which is 393.45 for her, 333.33 for your child then 400 from you (1126.78) so she gets LESS than you AND it has to cover TWO people instead of one.

I assume she doesn't have a mortgage as she wouldn't be able to cover the cost on that money so she may even be topping up her rent from that pittance. Just be glad she's doing your job for you so you can get the tax payer to foot most the bill!

Y0URSELF · 27/12/2024 15:56

@Daddycool2024

My salary is down to me and the work I’ve put into my career which started way before I met my ex. If mums are struggling with payments, then they need to better themselves instead of asking CMS for a mandatory recalculation?

whats a mandatory recalculation ?

jo7113 · 27/12/2024 15:56

@Daddycool2024, I have experience in this area and no you don't.

Legal aid in family court whether you are on benefits or not, is only in cases where there is evidence of domestic abuse (police reports etc).

The free duty solicitor entitlement upon arrest is for anyone (not means tested).

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 27/12/2024 15:59

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 15:51

To be clear (again), I’ve answered the question so many mums have regarding fathers and brought my situation to the table to provide clarity.

I’m unsure, as you obviously think
money grows on trees and your language towards men is disgusting, hence why your partner moved on.

You haven't really answered anything, every time a question is too tough for you to answer because you have zero point you say "well its not about X, its actually about Y". You're just a ranty little man (probably why your ex moved on)

My language towards men like you is absolutely deserved, and FWIW I have moved on from my ex, he's the one bitter and twisted because I left him and am doing an amazing job of raising my kids, while he's stuck in perpetual victim mode over a few percent of his wages.

SecondUsername4me · 27/12/2024 16:00

?what benefit would there be to his life with me packing up work?*

Why would you have to pack up work?

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