Page 13 | Why are men so bitter about paying maintenance?

bidoofisgod · 2024-01-31T18:34:08+00:00

Just that really. Why do they get so resentful about paying for their kids and then expect us to be so grateful for getting their measly money whilst they complain about it? I get £25 a month. And it's thrown in my face every time we speak, and then when I offer to help with childcare over half term as he has to work on days he has the kids (im a TA so will be off anyway) he says no because he doesn't want me using it to demand more money from him, and would rather pay someone else for childcare. How does that make any sense? All the while he's out living his life whilst I'm left with the kids and the dog which he wanted but now "can't have" and I have to shoulder the financial burden off. All the same time whilst saying he doesn't want to divorce and wants us to work it out. Really selling yourself here and making yourself so attractive. Ffs Sorry, rant over

Gettingbysomehow · 27/12/2024 11:44

The father of my adult son refused to gave me any maintenance and went abroad to live to avoid paying it for the whole of DSs childhood. He said I'm not giving you anything you might spend on yourself.
Trouble is he never bought DS any clothes or shoes or school uniform, no holidays, no meals out.
I had to work two jobs to pay for everything and never had anything new for myself.
He now wonders why my adult son now thinks he is a piece of shit and won't see him, he says I alienated him. I did nothing of the sort. He alienated DS all on his own, I would have been grateful if he'd been around to look after DS when I was at work so I didn't have to pay extortionate childcare fees.

SecondUsername4me · 27/12/2024 11:44

@Daddycool2024

Do you think your ex is an unfit mother?

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 11:46

RMNofTikTok · 27/12/2024 11:38

If mum works, benefits are reduced and it doesn’t work out economic for her hence why some men feel the way they do.

This is a load of nonsense. If a parent on universal credit receives £1500 a month net salary they are better off by £897.20 a month. It is impossible to be worse off in work on universal credit due to the taper.

Are you not embarrassed to be suggesting the government should be paying for your child rather than you?

Never once did I suggest the government should pay as I’ve stated on numerous occasions I have and will continue to support my son - I have worked all my life and if anything want income tax to fall.

My point is the system is broken.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 27/12/2024 11:48

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 11:35

Agree that I’d pay nothing.

I’d also be homeless and receive next to no help from the government.

I didn’t ask for the government to determine how much money is costs to raise a child.

if my salary is scrutinised to see what should be paid, I have a right to question what the money is being spent on.

I’d pay £1,000 a month if I saw the reward, instead he’s showing up in clothes too small for him!

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So you could afford to pay a lot more than the legal minimum.

You see she's struggling due to your child having clothes that are too small for him (apparently, but it's far more likely that he had a too small tshirt on once and you've ran with that, as is the usual thing with the kind of man who whinges like you are).

But you've decided to keep paying the minimum and complain rather than be proactive and help your child, which you can clearly afford to do. Maybe you could even buy him a massive bag of clothes that actually fit for her house rather than give her the money, or does that seem too much like helping her out?

God its embarrassing, you guys think you're being so original and that you're the victims, but it's all the same script time after time.

"She dumped me, isn't looking after my kid properly, is taking all my money and spending it on herself, but I'm not going for residency or doing anything other than the minimum I have to, however I will whine about it online to try and get validation". 🤔

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 11:51

SecondUsername4me · 27/12/2024 11:44

@Daddycool2024

Do you think your ex is an unfit mother?

No not an unfit mother just fuelled by finances.

She contacted CMS to update the monies on the basis that I don’t see my son and asked for collect pay. This was emotionally driven because I was seen out having a meal with a colleague.

I have had to defend my position which was tiresome just because ‘mum’ said so.

She later cancelled the collect pay. I assume as she would actually receive less if CMS took straight from my salary.

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 11:54

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 27/12/2024 11:48

So you could afford to pay a lot more than the legal minimum.

You see she's struggling due to your child having clothes that are too small for him (apparently, but it's far more likely that he had a too small tshirt on once and you've ran with that, as is the usual thing with the kind of man who whinges like you are).

But you've decided to keep paying the minimum and complain rather than be proactive and help your child, which you can clearly afford to do. Maybe you could even buy him a massive bag of clothes that actually fit for her house rather than give her the money, or does that seem too much like helping her out?

God its embarrassing, you guys think you're being so original and that you're the victims, but it's all the same script time after time.

"She dumped me, isn't looking after my kid properly, is taking all my money and spending it on herself, but I'm not going for residency or doing anything other than the minimum I have to, however I will whine about it online to try and get validation". 🤔

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Please read what I’ve wrote further up the thread.

I buy him clothes, get him his hair cut etc.

My point is, if mum wants a % of my salary as standard for the upbringing of a child (which I agree) then a father would expect them to be clothed appropriately.

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 11:57

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 27/12/2024 11:48

So you could afford to pay a lot more than the legal minimum.

You see she's struggling due to your child having clothes that are too small for him (apparently, but it's far more likely that he had a too small tshirt on once and you've ran with that, as is the usual thing with the kind of man who whinges like you are).

But you've decided to keep paying the minimum and complain rather than be proactive and help your child, which you can clearly afford to do. Maybe you could even buy him a massive bag of clothes that actually fit for her house rather than give her the money, or does that seem too much like helping her out?

God its embarrassing, you guys think you're being so original and that you're the victims, but it's all the same script time after time.

"She dumped me, isn't looking after my kid properly, is taking all my money and spending it on herself, but I'm not going for residency or doing anything other than the minimum I have to, however I will whine about it online to try and get validation". 🤔

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Please note.

I’m a paying father which we have all gathered.

You are painting all fathers with the same brush. Many women don’t get anything. I’m one to speak up about how we feel about it.

Aaaalrightythen · 27/12/2024 12:00

Gettingbysomehow · 27/12/2024 11:44

The father of my adult son refused to gave me any maintenance and went abroad to live to avoid paying it for the whole of DSs childhood. He said I'm not giving you anything you might spend on yourself.
Trouble is he never bought DS any clothes or shoes or school uniform, no holidays, no meals out.
I had to work two jobs to pay for everything and never had anything new for myself.
He now wonders why my adult son now thinks he is a piece of shit and won't see him, he says I alienated him. I did nothing of the sort. He alienated DS all on his own, I would have been grateful if he'd been around to look after DS when I was at work so I didn't have to pay extortionate childcare fees.

Similar here- the constant moaning about money has really shown dd what her dad is like and why he was impossible to live with. Thinks nothing of buying hugely expensive things for his own hobbies yet famously angry when it was suggested he buy £50 school shoes because he wasn't paying CMS. Dd remembers it all and has vowed to find a man who isn't selfish with money and values family and actual people first.

"Daddy" is a prime example of why men don't understand what goes into child raising. He sees it all through a financial lens. If he had his son full time he'd just stick them in a nursery and carry on working and imagine they'd be happy while they forget the Dr/Dentist/play dates/Sensory experiences/crafting/baking/family trips they'd usually be doing with a hands-on mum.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 27/12/2024 12:03

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 11:54

Please read what I’ve wrote further up the thread.

I buy him clothes, get him his hair cut etc.

My point is, if mum wants a % of my salary as standard for the upbringing of a child (which I agree) then a father would expect them to be clothed appropriately.

Show quote history

You buy him clothes for mums house so you know he's dressed appropriately?

Or you buy him clothes for your house and then chastise Mum because, apparently, all of his clothes there are too small?

The amount you pay is around the amount you would get for jobseekers, which you wouldn't be able to live on and called "next to nothing above, yet when it's in the context of how much you pay for your kid it's a fortune apparently.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 27/12/2024 12:04

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 11:57

Please note.

I’m a paying father which we have all gathered.

You are painting all fathers with the same brush. Many women don’t get anything. I’m one to speak up about how we feel about it.

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Oh we ALL know how men feel about paying maintenence. No need to speak up as though it's new and groundbreaking.

RegretRegrets · 27/12/2024 12:06

My ex only has to pay £7 a week for our 4 children and still doesn’t want to pay it. It’s an insult tbh. Better off not claiming.

AgnesX · 27/12/2024 12:08

SecondUsername4me · 31/01/2024 21:07

I went on a work night out and a new guy had started recently. He got to chatting and brought up how pissed off he was that "the money he has to give his ex is being used for her to get a tattoo" fucking twat. I called him out on it, in hindsight I probably shouldn't have, not sure whether the others were in agreement or not, but how dare he!

Well done for calling him out on it. Mean minded bit of shit.

SecondUsername4me · 27/12/2024 12:09

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 11:54

Please read what I’ve wrote further up the thread.

I buy him clothes, get him his hair cut etc.

My point is, if mum wants a % of my salary as standard for the upbringing of a child (which I agree) then a father would expect them to be clothed appropriately.

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You are supposed to clothe your child when it's your time. She clothes him on her time.

SecondUsername4me · 27/12/2024 12:10

Unhappy at paying. Yet happy not to do 50/50.

You can't have your cake and eat it.

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 12:10

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 27/12/2024 12:03

You buy him clothes for mums house so you know he's dressed appropriately?

Or you buy him clothes for your house and then chastise Mum because, apparently, all of his clothes there are too small?

The amount you pay is around the amount you would get for jobseekers, which you wouldn't be able to live on and called "next to nothing above, yet when it's in the context of how much you pay for your kid it's a fortune apparently.

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Regardless of my situation, I pay CMS (which my ex requested) so there is a certain expectation from the father?

SecondUsername4me · 27/12/2024 12:11

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 12:10

Regardless of my situation, I pay CMS (which my ex requested) so there is a certain expectation from the father?

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Why did your ex have to request it? When you separated, why didn't you arrange there and then what to pay?

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 12:16

SecondUsername4me · 27/12/2024 12:11

Why did your ex have to request it? When you separated, why didn't you arrange there and then what to pay?

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Because she assumed my new job paid more than my previous role so contacted CMS.

The prior months before CMS got involved, I demonstrated paying more than what was required as she was moving home so I helped by way of decorating his bedroom, carpet etc.

CMS didn’t take this into account as they were only interested from the date my ex put the application in.

Holidayhell22 · 27/12/2024 12:17

Daddycool genuine question. Why don’t you apply to have your child 50% of the time?

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 27/12/2024 12:17

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 12:10

Regardless of my situation, I pay CMS (which my ex requested) so there is a certain expectation from the father?

Show quote history

Why is it "regardless of my situation" when it's you and your money, but when its regarding your ex you're here stating every bit of money and help she receives from the government?

Can you tell us exactly how much you earn, how much you spend on yourself and your child and we can have a little look and see what you could be spending on your child vs what you actually spend on him.

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 12:19

Holidayhell22 · 27/12/2024 12:17

Daddycool genuine question. Why don’t you apply to have your child 50% of the time?

My ex lives 30 miles from me and recently changed his nursery without letting me know.

For his interests on school nights, I don’t think it’s fair for all the travel time in the car and to be back at nursery for 9am.

AgnesX · 27/12/2024 12:28

LorlieS · 31/01/2024 22:55

I do understand it in cases where one partner unreasonably withholds/restricts contact.

No, that's not an excuse. The child is still alive and still needs to be looked after.

GingerIsBest · 27/12/2024 12:31

@Daddycool2024 You epitomise the men who resent paying maintenance. You comment on your ex having nice clothes -s he's not allowed those, is she? Because the money you give her should only be necessary for the bare minimum. But it's okay for you to have extra cash tht you can use to go out with a colleague? I see this all the time. I lost a lot of respect for a friend of DH's who complained that he was paying maintenance but his ex was down the pub spending "his money".

On MN, you often see women on here comlaining that when they send their children to the dad's house with nice clothes, the come back ruined, or don't come back at all, and the advice is often to send the child in old/too small clothes so at least the good stuff stays at home. I suspect this is what your ex is doing.

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 12:38

GingerIsBest · 27/12/2024 12:31

@Daddycool2024 You epitomise the men who resent paying maintenance. You comment on your ex having nice clothes -s he's not allowed those, is she? Because the money you give her should only be necessary for the bare minimum. But it's okay for you to have extra cash tht you can use to go out with a colleague? I see this all the time. I lost a lot of respect for a friend of DH's who complained that he was paying maintenance but his ex was down the pub spending "his money".

On MN, you often see women on here comlaining that when they send their children to the dad's house with nice clothes, the come back ruined, or don't come back at all, and the advice is often to send the child in old/too small clothes so at least the good stuff stays at home. I suspect this is what your ex is doing.

A rhetorical question…

If I had a choice over my son having new clothes or me, I know what I’d choose.

Perhaps it’s deliberate?

GingerIsBest · 27/12/2024 12:40

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 12:38

A rhetorical question…

If I had a choice over my son having new clothes or me, I know what I’d choose.

Perhaps it’s deliberate?

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"Perhaps its deliberate".

Yes, exactly. that was my point. I suspect it IS deliberate. She's sending the less good stuff to your house because she expets YOU to clothe him when he's at your house. Seems entirely reasonable to me.

If I had a choice over my son having new clothes or me, I know what I’d choose.

Well then, perhaps you should stop going out with colleagues and pay for more clothing instead?

Daddycool2024 · 27/12/2024 12:42

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 27/12/2024 12:17

Why is it "regardless of my situation" when it's you and your money, but when its regarding your ex you're here stating every bit of money and help she receives from the government?

Can you tell us exactly how much you earn, how much you spend on yourself and your child and we can have a little look and see what you could be spending on your child vs what you actually spend on him.

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55k per annum. Mortgage payment is £1,400 pcm. Then add all other costs including council tax, gas, electric, vehicle insurance etc.

My ex partner has more disposable income than me working…