Why are men so bitter about paying maintenance?

[bidoofisgod]

Just that really. Why do they get so resentful about paying for their kids and then expect us to be so grateful for getting their measly money whilst they complain about it?
I get £25 a month. And it's thrown in my face every time we speak, and then when I offer to help with childcare over half term as he has to work on days he has the kids (im a TA so will be off anyway) he says no because he doesn't want me using it to demand more money from him, and would rather pay someone else for childcare. How does that make any sense? All the while he's out living his life whilst I'm left with the kids and the dog which he wanted but now "can't have" and I have to shoulder the financial burden off.
All the same time whilst saying he doesn't want to divorce and wants us to work it out. Really selling yourself here and making yourself so attractive. Ffs

Sorry, rant over

what 2 year old needs £1,600 to live?

Eh? It's not about that. If you and his mum lived together, he would directly benefit from the high wage you bring in. As you don't have him half the time, you are expected to contribute towards the lifestyle he would have had if you were together. Just as if you did have him half the time, he would directly benefit from your high wage when living with you as you'd have more funds to spend on him/his home.

if my son had clothes that fit and went to nursery, I wouldn’t care

Your son does go to nursery, you say.

So you have him 2/7. Not 50/50. Hence why you are expected to financially contribute towards the home he spends 5/7 in.

@SecondUsername4me

Yes, you’re quite right.

The point I raised was mum has plenty of time to work as you suggested there was insufficient time for both parents to work.

If mum works, benefits are reduced and it doesn’t work out economic for her hence why some men feel the way they do.

Where my son is at nursery for 6 hours a day (which she receives government childcare vouchers for) and me on the weekends, the time he’s with both parents are somewhat similar.

Cms counts overnights. You have you son overnight 2x a week, and she 5x a week. Hence the amount.

I see no reason why you both can't work and have the child, but you specifically said "I work mon-fri and have the child on a weekend". Which seems to me you are suggesting you cannot have the child mon-fri because of work.

Your son gets the "gifted" nursery time not for childcare, but because as he is primarily living with a single mother, he is seen as disadvantaged and the govt have identified that early intervention for disadvantaged 2yos is worth the cost. If you and the mum were together he wouldn't get this.

The govt do not expect the mum to work yet, given the age of your son. However soon she will be expected to work 16h pw. She likely will not receive any additional funding for childcare outside of the 9-3 nursery place, so this will be something she will have to pay for. There is not a raft of job opportunities o ly working 9.30-2.30 mon-fri so likely she will need to pay for some wrap around childcare.

@Daddycool2024 why don't you look after your child during the week? It's irrelevant what the mother does.

Seems to me you're just trying to paint your ex in a bad light, one minute he doesnt really attend nursery, next minute, when it suits your narrative, hes there all the time so you both spend equal time with him.

If she was working then who would be the one taking all the school holidays, the days he is sick etc?

You seem to be pissed off that the money received is from the government rather than her working, but she will be getting hounded to find a job, and then she will have to pay for childcare as well, will your massive contribution of £100 a week go up when her costs go up too?

Regardless of what's happening, and how much things cost your contribution will always be a small percentage of your wages, and that will remain constant.

hold on - there are 24 hours in a day. So for 4 of those days he goes to nursery

24 x 4 = 96 minus the 24 hours he is in nursery - 72hours that his mum has him

24 x 2 = 48 for the time you have him

the other day (Friday) is shared 24 - 6hrs he is in nursery = 9 hours each.

You have him 57 hours a week, his mum has him 81 hours a week

She has him 66% of the time.

That is not "somewhat similar"

@SecondUsername4me

Thanks for your message.

My ex has been receiving childcare vouchers or ‘gifts’ since he went to nursery (before our separation) which I didn’t know was a direct result of being a single parent...

This thread was titled ‘why do we feel bitter’ - I feel I have provided enough pointers as to why.

It’s been suggested my ex has a new partner, which she is not declaring due to finances.

Many men feel defeated by this, lose the incentive to work which ultimately impacts the child.

Good calculations.

24 hours difference between both parents which results in the paying parent losing 15% of his salary?

Again, I’m answering the question on the thread unsure why so many are getting upset.

He will attend nursery whenever she sees fit - it’s far to easy to have a day off.

Not pissed off with government money. I’m making a point that, I work for mine, overtime etc.

Any free moment I have, I see my son. By way of a comparison, my ex clears over 2k a month without lifting a finger.

The £400 I pay is to mum, not what I spend on top when he is with me.

Payments will go up if I was to secure a promotion which pays more salary.

On the school holidays, the government vouchers doesn’t pay. I send more money in this period as his nursery charge the full amount (yes when he’s there).

On the school holidays, the government vouchers doesn’t pay. I send more money in this period as his nursery charge the full amount (yes when he’s there).

The way universal credit works is that a parent is always better off working, so your assumption that it's the opposite is incorrect.

I'd love to know what jobs you think your ex can get that she can work between the hours of 9am - 3pm, because I can assure you that there really are not that many.

She's raising your son, which enables you to work without worrying about childcare and sick days and school holidays. Is that not work?

I'm VERY sure you would have mentioned if you were paying the full whack for nursery for 13 weeks of the year, so I doubt that's true.

I have a few friends whose exes resent paying maintenance for their children, I find it unfathomable. The CMS sounds like an absolute mess and little to no help.

There needs to be some serious reform.

Incorrect.

We were generally speaking without going into specifics.

If I had my son for 2 more nights, mum wouldn’t get anything so what would life be like at her house if she is really depending on £400 a month?

it’s not just down to dads.

Totally agree.

The men who appear bitter about all of this always raise points against the mother. Always. Every single time.

You and the mother are separated. Your interests now should be solely your son, how he is raised, what he needs, and your relationship with him.

You do not have your child half of the time that you ought to. You have him 2 nights per week. This is below the expected 50/50 that you should be having him, and that the courts would award. Thus, you fund the primary parent for the missing time.

What she receives is of zero concern to you. She is raising your child the majority of the time, and it appears, will continue to do so throughout his childhood.

Your bitterness towards her is petty and a waste of your energy. She receives what she is entitled to. You pay what is legally demanded as a result of your own situation.

You'd do better, for your own mental health and the relationship with your son, to accept the mandated £££s as they fall, and in the meantime, if you feel that you should be having your son more, go down the legal route to secure a 50/50 arrangement.

🤣 "it's not just down to dads".

It's not even down to dad's.

If you lost your job you would pay nothing.

Your contribution is a tiny percentage of your wages and that's it, everything else, bar what you choose to do, which coukd change in a whim, is on her.

You're just the average man portraying his ex as money hungry and lazy because you're pissed off you have to pay, what, 15% of your wage towards your own kid.

Whether she 'depends' on it or not is of no concern of yours. You pay it because it is due.

Take your son the 2 additional nights per week and use that 400pcm to fund the extra costs to you. Do it.

If you lost your job you would pay nothing

Good point. Also, if you earn less, you pay less. If you have another child, you pay less.

For what? Your son. That you made.

Agree that I’d pay nothing.

I’d also be homeless and receive next to no help from the government.

I didn’t ask for the government to determine how much money is costs to raise a child.

if my salary is scrutinised to see what should be paid, I have a right to question what the money is being spent on.

I’d pay £1,000 a month if I saw the reward, instead he’s showing up in clothes too small for him!

@Daddycool2024

Nobody is paying 15% of the gross salary for 1 child, it's a flat rate of 12% which is reduced by 1/7th for every overnight you do per week. This means if someone has their child overnight 2 nights a week they are paying 8.57% of their gross salary.

Why don't you take your child 50/50 and make yourself available to collect them from nursery when it finishes, take time off work for medical appointments, child sickness, pay for half of their costs?

In reality you are relying on the free labour of your ex partner to prop your career up, reducing her earnings potential. Stop complaining and be grateful she is enabling you to work full time in exchange for a tiny proportion of your salary which I guarantee does not cover half of the costs of raising your child.

If mum works, benefits are reduced and it doesn’t work out economic for her hence why some men feel the way they do.

This is a load of nonsense. If a parent on universal credit receives £1500 a month net salary they are better off by £897.20 a month. It is impossible to be worse off in work on universal credit due to the taper.

Are you not embarrassed to be suggesting the government should be paying for your child rather than you?

if my salary is scrutinised to see what should be paid, I have a right to question what the money is being spent on

Hilarious.

Men in particular want to keep the money they earn and use it for fun stuff:sport gaming cars. Same reason men are more likely to vote right wing for lowered taxes. Some women like to spend money on clothes and beauty etc but on average women are more likely to want to spend money on their children giving them good childhood experiences. With the current 50:50 obsession children are in front of iPads or with stepmum while their actual mum is alone at home or in a lowpaid job struggling to even afford the basics. Something has gone really wrong