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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

I may as well be a single mum

34 replies

sfjonesie · 14/10/2023 21:13

Is anyone else in a marriage where they may as well be a single parent? DH prioritises himself and his own wellbeing over everyone else, sees looking after his kid as an inconvenience. Has lost his job so has loads of free time. But I am the one running myself ragged, working full time supporting us all. Husband is barely present and when he is present he is unpleasant and defensive. DS now insists I am the only person he wants at bath and bed time. I'm so tired. Every time I try and raise any of this with DH it ends up in an argument. I'm so tired. I look at selfies I take with my son I and barely recognise myself. I don't have any time for self care. What do I do?

OP posts:
bangwhistle · 14/10/2023 21:29

Yes. I feel this way. Difference is that I work part time and husband does work a demanding full time job but is otherwise totally absent from family life -and suffers form
Mental health issues which mean weekends he takes to his bed.

We have three children

It has come to a head and after 10 years of this I threw him out. He was only allowed to come back once he had made a therapy appt.

I am also working on presenting the mental
Load of women to him. Ironically, but it's that or divorce and I don't want that despite how bad it is.

There are some good podcasts on sharing the mental load - Motherkind and Don't Buy Her Flowers come to mind. Could you make him listen to those.

Ultimately though they don't really change. If you're the main breadwinner and can afford it, I would be looking to leave. You'll be much happier. Maybe we could just set up a lovely women's commune. I fantasise about that all the time...

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/10/2023 22:32

If he's not working and he isn't working full time hours on his job hunt and on housework /cooking etc then he is a lazy bastard.

You need to just leave the house for self care- go see a friend or exercise class or massage or cinema. You need a break leave him to it at home. If you can't do this then yes leave him- one less ' child' to look after. ( although seek legal advice first if you're married as you don't want to be financially liable for him)

CheekyHobson · 14/10/2023 22:45

I know some MNers get up in arms about people saying they are like a single mum when they're not actually single mums, but as a single mum, I get more time to myself now than I did when I was with my ex. And I still have the kids more than 70 percent of the time.

Some men won't parent until they are literally forced to parent. I'd be focusing my efforts on getting him to feel that finding a job is better than being sat at home (by refusing to do chores he could be doing during the day, booking weekends away myself, cutting back on nursery 'costs' so he has to care for the kid, etc) and then once he's back in full-time employment, consulting a divorce lawyer.

There's no point attempting to salvage a marriage with someone who isn't interested in salvaging it himself.

Original poster
sfjonesie · 15/10/2023 17:54

Thanks for all the advice. I agree that the only option is to leave as we have been in marriage counselling for years but nothing improves. Just dreading taking that step with all the upheaval and disruption (and cost). I have such a busy job and between that and being the main carer for my son it all feels very overwhelming. Definitely agree the women's commune is the way to go!

OP posts:
jumpfh · 15/10/2023 17:55

It's really not the same as being a single parent.

I say that as someone who had an ex who was useless and did fuck all. But being a single parent is a whole other level of shite and pressure.

Please don't post in lone parents when you're not it's not fair on those of us who have been.

locomum83 · 22/10/2023 22:11

sfjonesie · 14/10/2023 21:13

Is anyone else in a marriage where they may as well be a single parent? DH prioritises himself and his own wellbeing over everyone else, sees looking after his kid as an inconvenience. Has lost his job so has loads of free time. But I am the one running myself ragged, working full time supporting us all. Husband is barely present and when he is present he is unpleasant and defensive. DS now insists I am the only person he wants at bath and bed time. I'm so tired. Every time I try and raise any of this with DH it ends up in an argument. I'm so tired. I look at selfies I take with my son I and barely recognise myself. I don't have any time for self care. What do I do?

Yes, yes this is my life also. Too much hassle to leave, so just carry on. It's a miserable existence but your not alone

Bananalanacake · 22/10/2023 22:38

Is he actually looking for a job, if not he's a cocklodger.

Finchgold · 22/10/2023 22:46

Don’t think you’re in the right group for this conversation. Useless he may be but that is not the same as non existent. The weight of responsibility as a lone parent is the real struggle more than just having to do everything yourself.

I’m sure if you were suddenly hospitalised your DH would look after your child, maybe not as well as you but they would be fed and taken to school.

If you realise you’ve no milk for the morning you can run out to the shop safe in the knowledge there’s another adult in the house.

Its crap for you but it’s not really lone parent life.

BlackeyedSusan · 22/10/2023 22:50

it can be harder. the resentment was much less once he was kicked out.

it can be harder as they make more work around the place. (housework wise)

they can use up the family money when they live with you.

definitely more sympathy and understanding once I was single.

if you might as well be a single mum, then you might as well be a single mum. making the step is hard though.

Yikes101 · 22/10/2023 23:11

That was my life. It became so much easier once we split up. I no longer resented doing everything, I did it and enjoyed being with my children and know that I am solely responsible for how amazing they are. Be brave, take the next step.

PestilencialCrisis · 01/11/2023 01:05

Being in an unhappy relationship is not the same as being a single parent. If you want more time, you CAN plonk your child in your DH's lap and tell him that you are going for a run or a swim or going for a long bath or going to meet up with friends.

If you are in an unhappy relationship, then change it (talking, counselling, divorcing, getting a babysitter occasionally so you both go out to reconnect, making more time for yourself, etc), but being a single parent will not help you feel less tired or give you more time for self care.

WeeDove · 01/11/2023 01:17

This stage in the process is worse than actually being a single parent.

SingleMum11 · 01/11/2023 01:37

I think it’s OK to say you are fed up and feeling on your own with the responsibilities.

I don’t think it’s OK to say you are like a single mum. Wait until you are one…

CheekyHobson · 01/11/2023 01:42

being a single parent will not help you feel less tired or give you more time for self care.

It does for me, because for 4 days out of 14 now I have no childcare responsibility at all. Whereas in the past, the ex was theoretically “around” and capable of caring for the kids but in reality was almost always at the gym or “busy with work” or on his phone or otherwise avoiding executing his parenting responsibilities when one of the kids needed us, so I was constantly the default parent and only got a proper break if I actually left the house. Now I can relax in my own home if I want to.

Heatwavenotify · 01/11/2023 01:50

Perhaps post in relationships. You are not a lone parent, you are in a shitty relationship. I think you’ll find more support if you post in the right area.

Sumlove · 01/11/2023 02:47

Not the same as a lone parent. At all. 100% lone parent since day one. Hard work.

cleo333 · 01/11/2023 04:34

I did divorce a man like that and was much happier . I worked hard but had no resentment ( just gave up on him) . I've achieved well in the end and my children learned the value of themselves because of it . You will survive and may also excel :)

Original poster
sfjonesie · 01/11/2023 05:37

Heatwavenotify · 01/11/2023 01:50

Perhaps post in relationships. You are not a lone parent, you are in a shitty relationship. I think you’ll find more support if you post in the right area.

Totally understand and apologise to everyone here who is a single parent: I'm pretty new to mumsnet and finding the posting groups hard to navigate. Really appreciate the perspectives because I know the reality of what I am contemplating will be very hard. Thank you for setting me straight on that and where I should go for support.

OP posts:
Original poster
sfjonesie · 01/11/2023 05:39

cleo333 · 01/11/2023 04:34

I did divorce a man like that and was much happier . I worked hard but had no resentment ( just gave up on him) . I've achieved well in the end and my children learned the value of themselves because of it . You will survive and may also excel :)

I wish I could let go of my resentment and anger. How did you know when you had to give up on him. Was it a gradual process or a sudden realisation?

OP posts:
MintJulia · 01/11/2023 06:07

OP, if he really is completely uninvolved, then if you leave, you will find life is easier.

My ex did literally nothing related to ds, he barely saw him and never changed a nappy, didn't get up once at night.

My breaking point was when I was prescribed ADs. I sat and looked at them for a while, thought how I was being forced into taking drugs because he was a selfish lazy arse, and then decided my health was worth more than he was.

When I left, life became smaller and so much simpler. Less cooking, less cleaning, less obstruction, less stress. Ds(2yo) and I moved into a 1 bed flat for a year, found a lovely childminder and I recuperated. Ds didn't even notice ex wasn't there any more.

So leaving may not be as difficult as you think. Do you rent or own your current home?

PersephonePomegranate23 · 01/11/2023 06:16

Leave the useless twat then, you have the option.

As a widow, I am a LONE parent - I have no option. Everything does and will always fall upon me.

Orangeandgold · 01/11/2023 08:52

I’m a lone parent and because of my support network I’ve been lucky enough to pursue a career, a few hobbies and find myself again (with somewhat of a social life).

I have friends who are married or in relationships with children who are almost restricted by what they can do because they do absolutely everything and their partners work and often continue with their social lives as if they do not have children at home and often this restricts the mums.

I found I was better off without my ex because although he was a “free babysitter” (funny how men can get away with babysitting their children) he was detrimental to my self esteem and I just didn’t grow as a person and did the bulk of the childcare.

I know friends that have left marriages with children and they feel more freedom. It’s a hard choice and you will be relying on your network or external help.

I would never tell someone to leave a marriage, as I also have friends whose partners have changed overtime. Maybe having a serious conversation with your partner and laying everything out on the table might make him think twice?

I know it’s difficult but a physical break of you have family or friends might make it real for him?

Wishing you luck.

Hubblebubble · 02/11/2023 17:17

Life may well be easier in many ways if you leave him. However, it's not the same as being a single or lone parent. That other warm adult body in the house (no matter how useless) means if you run out of milk when the little ones are asleep you can just go grab some more. You can go for a spontaneous run/gym/meal with friends in the evening. You don't have to parent whilst ill with flu/covid/various ailment. Only you know whether or not your life will be better, but it will be different and it's not what you know now.

megletthesecond · 02/11/2023 17:21

There is no need to apologise. I'm a lone parent 100% and don't blame you for moaning. A shitty husband gets in the way and doesn't parent.
At least you get some space once he's gone.

ettieb · 02/11/2023 17:31

This makes me so cross. Unless your husband literally does nothing..ie... bills.. contributing financially.. you can leave him with children even for a short while it is nothing like being a lone parent. My ex husband was in the forces and away a lot and when he was around he was crap but it still was better than being a single parent. He had no contact with my child and no financial support from when he was 8.... it is incredibly hard and relentness.. although i suppose if they take them at weekends that's a much easier life. I basically had no life myself until my son was 16ish.i understand you're new to this but maybe consider that it is insulting to true lone parents