I may as well be a single mum

[sfjonesie]

Is anyone else in a marriage where they may as well be a single parent? DH prioritises himself and his own wellbeing over everyone else, sees looking after his kid as an inconvenience. Has lost his job so has loads of free time. But I am the one running myself ragged, working full time supporting us all. Husband is barely present and when he is present he is unpleasant and defensive. DS now insists I am the only person he wants at bath and bed time. I'm so tired. Every time I try and raise any of this with DH it ends up in an argument. I'm so tired. I look at selfies I take with my son I and barely recognise myself. I don't have any time for self care. What do I do?

My ex wouldn't have been OK with me going and doing something. I always got a shitty attitude from him when I wanted to do something. See also me being ill.

@sfjonesie from what you have described that ship has sailed.

I think some of the responses are a little harsh on this thread, but only because "I'm practically a single mum" is often over used very flippantly by people who have no ideas of the reality of lone parenting (financial burden, mental load, housework, homework, reading, bathtimes, lack of social life, inability to do very simple things like pop to the shop or go for a jog or have a wee by yourself)

My DC see their dad maybe 3 or 4 times a year (his choice) and have no financial support from him. I know some who have no contact at all with the other parent. This is a different experience to those who are co-parenting with an ex, and now find themselves less tired with more free time a few nights a week.

If you will both be contributing financially to things like food, uniform, childcare costs, new shoes, hobbies etc. and you will be sharing custody this will probably give you more free time and make you feel less tired than your current situation. In your case, you are already the only income and you have no social life, so perhaps it is more of a true statement than a knee jerk reaction to an inconsiderate partner.

OP, I understand that you haven't intended any offence to single parents. Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do, but do consider whether you will be a lone parent or a co-parent, as the two will be very different experiences and may or may not improve your current lot in life.

I was very angry and resentful for a long time ( used to let it out in counselling ) but when he finally left it actually became easier as I had no expectation anymore , I had had enough and so had my children . I had to protect us and we actually had fun , picnics on blankets in the lounge , movie nights with popcorn . Cooking , sharing household jobs , playing music and Sunday roasts . You can do it and will help you all . Importantly my children learned what is not acceptable and what we deserve .

I dont judge people for saying this as it's this realisation that gives you the impetus to leave. The most unhappy and the most lonely and depleted I ever felt was before I left him. After I left obviously it was hard financially but I knew I was brave. I felt free from the resentment. I felt like the size 13 shoe was lifted off my soul. So to anybody feeling like this, take care of YOU I say 💐

My ex was exactly like this, and to be honest now is the same, does nothing with them apart from pick them up from school twice a week. We’ve been separated 3 years and I was in a similar boat to you, I told and explained to him numerous times when we were together but he wouldn’t change or even try. Everyone’s situation is different but for me and the kids it wa a 100% the right decision to be a single parent xx

I know some MN'ers who are single parents struggle alone, and respect to you. I was single parent and in my situation it was far easier being a single parent than having the OH living with me. He was harder work than kids. It was such a relief when i was free without the extra mental load if having a laxy ass OH. Yes i still had the mental, physical, financial load but gosh...it was less work than having a man child to pander after and please. It can be freeing OP.

I know what you mean… I have been a single mum since conception basically but I have mum friends with husbands & kids who seem to do exactly the same amount of work as me! If anything I have it more straightforward because I don’t have that extra person to look after.

being a LP is hard, but preferable to being like a LP in a difficult relationship. I would leave him.