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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

How to attend this conference.

84 replies

CharlotteBog · 15/09/2023 14:51

I would very much like to attend a conference at the beginning of March.
It's not essential (I accepted this job on the understanding that travel would be beneficial/recommended but not compulsory) but I really want to go.

I am a lone parent to a 14 yo (year 10). I also have an adult son (24).

The conference is 5th - 8th March so I would be away about a week (it's a long haul flight away).

When DS was younger he stayed with a friend a couple of times. This is no longer possible and not really suitable with this particular family.

I don't have any family that could move here (it's term time so he has to be near home).

My adult son moved back for such a trip a year ago - just for 4 days. He was a student so had long holidays. He has graduated now and looking for work and living his own life. It feels too much to ask him to commit to coming home for a week when he might be in a position where annual leave is very precious.

I could possibly get a local friend (of mine) to sleep at my place, but I think DS would hate it.

Any ideas?

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Starlightstarbright2 · 16/09/2023 10:40

Does he not have another friend he could stay with .. 14 is a really tricky age . Too old for babysitters but too young to stay alone ..

Original poster

CharlotteBog · 17/09/2023 15:49

Starlightstarbright2 · 16/09/2023 10:40

Does he not have another friend he could stay with .. 14 is a really tricky age . Too old for babysitters but too young to stay alone ..

He has lots of friends, but not really ones that he or I feel we could ask for such a long stay during term time.

OP posts:

OhamIreally · 18/09/2023 19:33

What kind of work is your son likely to be doing? Would he be able to work from home from your house?

BarnacleBeasley · 18/09/2023 19:43

Could you offer to pay your older son? That would compensate for using his annual leave if he has a job, or be welcome extra money if he hasn't.

thiswasabadone · 18/09/2023 19:51

If he's got lots of friends can't he stay at a different friends each night ? And maybe even do the first and last night in the house on his own

Or can't he have a different friend over every night or the same friend if they would get on for that amount of time ?

Original poster

CharlotteBog · 18/09/2023 21:00

They doesn't seem like a very calm plan for a year 10 student! I also don't know many of the parents well enough to feel I can ask.

OP posts:

Original poster

CharlotteBog · 18/09/2023 21:03

BarnacleBeasley · 18/09/2023 19:43

Could you offer to pay your older son? That would compensate for using his annual leave if he has a job, or be welcome extra money if he hasn't.

Possibly. The problem is that I would need to ask him to commit pretty soon and I don't want to tie him down. He's got no responsibilities and those years don't last long.

OP posts:

enjoyingscience · 18/09/2023 21:04

That’s really tricky. If he had one good friend he could stay with that might help, but it’s too long really to have him house hopping.

i think your older son is the only option, apart from taking him out of school for a few days and taking him with you (not ideal).

Original poster

CharlotteBog · 18/09/2023 21:07

OhamIreally · 18/09/2023 19:33

What kind of work is your son likely to be doing? Would he be able to work from home from your house?

Currently he's happy doing casual work just to earn enough to support himself yet have time to pursue his passion (music) and have a good time. He's actually just found work and def couldn't do it remotely.
His long term plan is to find something wfh.

OP posts:

Effervescent999 · 18/09/2023 21:09

I would suggest contacting a nanny agency and explaining, and see what they suggest

Comedycook · 18/09/2023 21:09

Pay your older son... doesn't sound like he's doing a huge amount right now...he might appreciate the money...and surely there's not much to do in terms of looking after a 14 year old.

Original poster

CharlotteBog · 18/09/2023 21:11

enjoyingscience · 18/09/2023 21:04

That’s really tricky. If he had one good friend he could stay with that might help, but it’s too long really to have him house hopping.

i think your older son is the only option, apart from taking him out of school for a few days and taking him with you (not ideal).

Yeah. It's ok, it is what it is.
I don't want to wish his life away.
I think the attendance officer would implode if I asked for term time absence for the March of year 10!

The irony is that I chair the EDI committee of the society who is hosting the conference.

OP posts:

Comedycook · 18/09/2023 21:11

Oh i misread...so he is working. In all honesty not sure what you could do apart from that. It's quite cheeky to ask a friends family to look after him.

Original poster

CharlotteBog · 18/09/2023 21:13

Comedycook · 18/09/2023 21:11

Oh i misread...so he is working. In all honesty not sure what you could do apart from that. It's quite cheeky to ask a friends family to look after him.

He only just got offered a job today!
I need to get a visa asap if I'm going so it's not great timing to ask my son.
If I had to I would ask him, and I know he'd be happy to offer his help, but it's not essential.

OP posts:

Newmum110 · 18/09/2023 21:14

I think the only option is to ask older son however it would need to be well paid so that he can prioritise it if he does end up getting another job.

fivetriangulartrees · 18/09/2023 21:15

Do you have a pet? Could you hire a house-sitter/petsitter to look after the pet and incidentally hang out with DS? I appreciate this is a bit of a long shot.

YokoOnosBigHat · 18/09/2023 21:15

You're overthinking the older son stuff... you aren't asking him to move in and for your younger son to be his ward. If you pay him he will be fine to do it, I'm sure. I'd have done it for my mum at that age, probably even for free tbh.

MummyJ36 · 18/09/2023 21:18

I’d definitely ask your older son and pay him. A 14 year old really isn’t going to need that much looking after. Make sure the fridge and freezer are stocked, all uniform clean, emergency numbers, money for a takeaway or two and any basic rules you want to impart. Beyond that I think it’s probably east money for your older son!

Also any chance you could attend the conference for less days? I know it’s long haul but if ideally you’d be back earlier perhaps you could join for just a couple of days?

MummyJ36 · 18/09/2023 21:19

Also I take it no grandparents on the scene or aunts/uncles who could help?

Wildhorses2244 · 18/09/2023 21:19

Do you have any friends who are also single parents? Could you swap them having ds for a week with having their kids for a week?

Could you bribe ds to accept your local friend staying for the week?

Does ds have any friends that you would be comfortable/trust them with him staying that long if it didn’t feel like such a big ask? If so could you ask how they’d feel about doing it in exchange for eg you taking their kid on holiday with you?

To be honest if the conference is somewhere cool I would be tempted to take him with me. Deal is he does 4 hours studying each day and then otherwise he can please himself…

cherryassam · 18/09/2023 21:19

My sister and her husband are both pilots and are often away at the same time - they have an overnight nanny for their pre teens / young teens who basically moves in when they’re both away and takes over being parent. I’m not sure how expensive it is or if it’s something you could just book for one week but it might be worth looking into.

ChiccoBanana · 18/09/2023 21:23

Could your son do half and someone else do half? So nobody is giving up a week of their life but it’s not so much disruption as somewhere different every night. That’s how my single mum did it.

ThePoint678 · 18/09/2023 21:28

How close to 15 will he be by March? Could he stay at home and your friend drops in to check on him and is available 24/7 if he needs anything but she doesn’t actually sleep over for the week? Same with your older son- how far away is he if he was needed?

My 14 year old surprised me yesterday saying she would stay at home alone (we were speaking hypothetically- no plans) so I’m wondering how he feels about it. In six months time.

Whataretheodds · 18/09/2023 21:30

Surely 4 days of a 14 year old staying with a friend's family isn't a huge ask?

Indiacalling · 18/09/2023 21:34

Hi, I am a single parent and my career has really suffered from not being able to go to conferences or do work-related travel. I think the idea above of asking a family friend to do half and your son to do half is okay, but if your son could do most of it, it would be better.

As EDI lead, the question is how to improve things for people in your field who have caring commitments. If you are an academic, I think there is a LOT of work to be done! I don’t have any solutions, except to try and patch it together. It may well be that your son is very happy to help you out here

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