How to attend this conference.

[CharlotteBog]

I would very much like to attend a conference at the beginning of March.
It's not essential (I accepted this job on the understanding that travel would be beneficial/recommended but not compulsory) but I really want to go.

I am a lone parent to a 14 yo (year 10). I also have an adult son (24).

The conference is 5th - 8th March so I would be away about a week (it's a long haul flight away).

When DS was younger he stayed with a friend a couple of times. This is no longer possible and not really suitable with this particular family.

I don't have any family that could move here (it's term time so he has to be near home).

My adult son moved back for such a trip a year ago - just for 4 days. He was a student so had long holidays. He has graduated now and looking for work and living his own life. It feels too much to ask him to commit to coming home for a week when he might be in a position where annual leave is very precious.

I could possibly get a local friend (of mine) to sleep at my place, but I think DS would hate it.

Any ideas?

The conference is 4 days long, but a long haul flight away so it would be a week.

Even so - is that something you couldn't ask? I definitely remember staying with friends for a week at 11/12

He'd be very, very nearly 15. Oh, he thinks he'd be totally fine left alone!

Your idea is the one that I feel could work. I have a very good friend in the village. DS knows her well. Her being here in the morning and part of the evening (until he's in bed) could work. He would be smart enough to know to call her if needed. And she could keep things ticking over. It's a BIG ask.
DS1 is a 3 hr drive away.

I am in academia, yes.

I'd have to ask ds1 and tell him I'd pay him well
If he gets a job won't the employer honour any 'holidays' already booked?
He can tell them he won't be able to work that week.

If he was a couple of years younger this could be something to look into (though I imagine pretty expensive), but at 14 (nearly 15) he'd be horrified.

He has already had years of me working full time and him being shuttled off to childcare during the holidays etc. That's not unusual of course, but it's not like Mum not being around would be a novelty.

Thank you all. This topic doesn't get a lot of traffic so I appreciate the responses.
I will give some of the ideas some thought.

Now to tidy the kitchen etc etc etc......!

We paid a student (we knew her) to stay and watch mine, they were 13&15

Being in academia you have great access to students, PhD students are very useful I found (make excellent movers too)

I am surprised at the comments asking you to pay your older son for looking after his younger brother. I mean, his family after all! My mother is an academic and at times, I was taken care of by family. No one was paid anything. Don't know, maybe it's a cultural difference.

For him to come back home and mind his brother for a week would come at a cost to his annual leave and his life style and don't expect him to do that at 24.

Of course he's minded his brother many times over the years. He took him on holiday for a week last year to help me out during the school holidays. I paid for the holiday and made sure he wasn't out of pocket, but didn't pay him on top. When he came back home last year I also didn't pay him, as he was a student and already had loads of time off and wasn't missing out on earning his own money.

It would have been very easy to slip into a pattern of relying on him to help with childcare and I've always felt strongly that I want them to have a brotherly relationship. Thus I don't want to take advantage of DS1.

Not really.....I WFH full time with the head office being in Hong Kong.

This could work. He's literally only just been offered a job yesterday!

Hopefully this is a better company than DHL. He graduated, got himself a warehouse job lined up for when we came back from holiday (doing exactly as you say - telling them about the booked holiday).
A few days before he was due to start, he contacted them and was told he wasn't needed any more.

In this situation I'd definitely ask my older son, even if he could do a couple of days and then cobble together friends and neighbours to keep an eye rest of the time.

As your younger son gets older this is less likely to be an issue in the future so it's not like you're expecting this of your older son forever.

Would DS14 be comfortable feeding himself and clearing up after (freezer well stocked and ready meals in fridge if necessary, money on a card to order pizza one night?

Would he be ok to get on with homework at night etc?

Would he be comfortable getting himself up and out the door in the morning with everything he needs and having had some breakfast?

Can he get himself to and from
School?

Would he be ok sleeping on his own at home?

I'm not saying leave him alone all week, but if a few of those answers are yes, you could ask someone to drop in for tea 1 evening but he stays alone.

Or arrange lifts to school but he can get himself home and fed.

Or ask older DS to come for a couple of nights but younger stays alone a couple of nights so doesn't totally disrupt older DS (especially if he can leave from your place early for work 1 day and stay late at work that night to make up, couple of regular days, then leave work one evening to get to your house and do 1 day WFH following day). And one of those evenings you could ask someone locally to feed younger or call into him with a takeaway so he's not totally alone either - perhaps your local friend could stay 1 night but not need to do every night?

And make use younger DS has lots of emergency contacts locally to call who can reassure and/or sort problems.

I'm not explaining it terribly well but if younger DS is comfortable with some independence, it could allow a mix of things so it's not all on older DS to be in the house.

How about asking your older Ds to stay Tuesday to Thursday, so he only takes 3 days leave? Friday night younger Ds could stay with a friend. Which leaves only Monday night where he is alone.

I'd ask your adult son, and offer to pay him.

If he gets a job he may well be able to work from home etc.

Congratulations to your son. Job hunting is very stressful at the moment.

Does your DS school offer/arrange work experience? Could DS shadow you for a week as work experience?

I think they do in year 10, yes. They had a shadow day in year 9 and I have to say, it was hideous. I didn't want him with me and he didn't want to be here.
I literally sit at a desk all day doing very specific, detailed and complicated work. Unless I gave him a running commentary of exactly what I was doing he wouldn't have had the faintest idea what I was doing. He lasted an hour.

Granted, a conference would be an entirely different thing, but I don't think I'd want him sitting next to me for the duration and the talks would be way over his head.

Thank you. I'm chuffed for him.

My parents are dead, his other grandmother has dementia and other grandad Parkinson's. He does have aunts and uncles, but they all have their own families so couldn't move in to my place. There is one Great Aunt fairly nearby but she wouldn't be up to the job.

You say Great Aunt wouldn't be up to the job but it sounds like the job is really just to be there, and that 14 yo is actually totally capable of responsible self-care. So is Great Aunt moving in for the week and a bit of keeping an eye but not heavily interfering really not an option? Is Great Aunt not capable in some way?

Where to start! Let's just say that while I enjoy her company and value our relationship a great deal, and she dotes on my boys, she is Hard Work!

LOL. 😅 So not worth putting the hard work in for this one occasion? Or too much hard work for the 14 yo?
That doting has got to be worth something!