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Original poster

How to attend this conference.

84 replies

CharlotteBog · 15/09/2023 14:51

I would very much like to attend a conference at the beginning of March.
It's not essential (I accepted this job on the understanding that travel would be beneficial/recommended but not compulsory) but I really want to go.

I am a lone parent to a 14 yo (year 10). I also have an adult son (24).

The conference is 5th - 8th March so I would be away about a week (it's a long haul flight away).

When DS was younger he stayed with a friend a couple of times. This is no longer possible and not really suitable with this particular family.

I don't have any family that could move here (it's term time so he has to be near home).

My adult son moved back for such a trip a year ago - just for 4 days. He was a student so had long holidays. He has graduated now and looking for work and living his own life. It feels too much to ask him to commit to coming home for a week when he might be in a position where annual leave is very precious.

I could possibly get a local friend (of mine) to sleep at my place, but I think DS would hate it.

Any ideas?

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Rosiiee · 19/09/2023 09:47

4 nights alone for a 15 yr old (or soon to be 15)? I’d say it’s totally fine! Just get someone to drop by in the mornings and evenings to make sure the dishes aren’t building up in the sink. I’m sure he’ll be fine! He’ll be in school during the day anyway and I’m sure he could go over to some friends for dinner so that’ll save you some meal prep.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 19/09/2023 09:52

Your older son certainly can do you a four-day favour.

rwalker · 19/09/2023 09:57

Do a combination of older son a few days and friend a few days

Original poster
CharlotteBog · 19/09/2023 10:01

It's not 4 days, it's a week.

OP posts:
Avatartar · 19/09/2023 10:13

Call a nanny agency up- they have loads on their books from live in maternity nurses to day jobs . They are all certified and there may be some between jobs who could house sit/ be the responsible adult for DS while you are away

Mangolover123 · 19/09/2023 10:27

I would do a combination of son and friend. Son can do his days off and friends can pop in everyday and check on him. You pay all expenses.
Alternatively take your son with you, I don't advocate being off school but a 1 week in a different overseas city. How fantastic.

purplecorkheart · 19/09/2023 10:32

Have you spoken with your son about your local friend staying? Why do you think that he would hate it. That seems like the obvious solution to me.

NotMyDayJob · 19/09/2023 10:38

With the greatest respect OP it sounds like you have plenty of options. There are plenty of single parents out there who would kill for the kind of options you have. Just choose one of your obvious solutions.

SpaceRaiders · 19/09/2023 10:41

You can’t leave a 14/15 year old alone for a week, don’t even risk it! School safeguarding would get involved and social services would take a pretty dim view of it. Not to mention if something were to happen you’re thousands of miles away and there’s no local family available to be on hand.

Op ask your adult son. It’s not like it’s a regular occurrence and that’s what families are for after all.

Growlybear83 · 19/09/2023 10:48

I think it's very difficult. A week is too long to ask anyone except close family to look after a 14 year old for a week, and I don't think you can leave a 14 year old alone for that length of time for all kinds of reasons. Aside from their ow safety, I think most 14 year olds would have made party arrangements before you've even got on the plane! I think your only options are to pay your older son to stay, if he's able to with a new job, or not go.

AintnocasseopoeiainWasingtonHeights · 19/09/2023 10:50

If an academic, does your institution have funds to pay for childcare solutions in these circumstances? There might be a grant that would cover the cost of a nanny stopping in (to whatever extent your son would be comfortable with). Or perhaps better, there might be a registry of approved providers to help you find the right person to fit what you need.

Giveituphq · 19/09/2023 11:04

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Giveituphq · 19/09/2023 11:08

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Original poster
CharlotteBog · 19/09/2023 11:12

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It's not so much that he doesn't have good friends, but more that I don't feel I know the parents well enough to ask (and it's not for the kids to conjure up a plan!).
Year 7 and 8 were odd due to lockdown/restrictions, and it was really only in year 9 (last year) that he forged the good, steady friendships he has now, and his social life has blossomed.

I think his cohort missed out on the great learning curve that happens in year 7. If he had made these friendships in year 7, at a time when it's still OK for parents to get involved in their social life I think I'd be in a different situation and know the parents better.
I have mobile numbers and some text chats, ferry about and the like, but I've not met up with them properly. We live rurally so everyone's quite spread out.

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Giveituphq · 19/09/2023 11:22

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Jk987 · 19/09/2023 11:27

It's months away so it's plenty of notice for a family member to come and stay however far away they live!

Aunt/uncle/grandparent on either side - surely they can do this for you and spend some quality time with your son! The time can be split so it's a brother one night, relative over the weekend and then the relative travels back with your son for the school week.

You can do this!

Indiacalling · 19/09/2023 12:06

I wouldn’t ask a PhD student; to me, that is mixing personal and professional aspects of my life.
My DS would not want to stay with his friends for a week, even if I felt able to ask them. It’s nothing to do with not having close friends, just a lot to ask when it is not family.
My older DD is 20 and away at university. While I get what you are saying about not wanting to depend on your son for childcare, it sounds like he was willing to help in the holidays and they can still have a sibling relationship with one of them doing the responsible adult bit. My DS loves for DD to take him out for the day. I can imagine it would be okay in a few years to ask DD to look after DS if I need to travel somewhere. She would say no if it didn’t work for her.

Original poster
CharlotteBog · 19/09/2023 15:14

Jk987 · 19/09/2023 11:27

It's months away so it's plenty of notice for a family member to come and stay however far away they live!

Aunt/uncle/grandparent on either side - surely they can do this for you and spend some quality time with your son! The time can be split so it's a brother one night, relative over the weekend and then the relative travels back with your son for the school week.

You can do this!

Truthfully I do not have family that can help out (other than DS1).

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlotteBog · 19/09/2023 15:17

Indiacalling · 19/09/2023 12:06

I wouldn’t ask a PhD student; to me, that is mixing personal and professional aspects of my life.
My DS would not want to stay with his friends for a week, even if I felt able to ask them. It’s nothing to do with not having close friends, just a lot to ask when it is not family.
My older DD is 20 and away at university. While I get what you are saying about not wanting to depend on your son for childcare, it sounds like he was willing to help in the holidays and they can still have a sibling relationship with one of them doing the responsible adult bit. My DS loves for DD to take him out for the day. I can imagine it would be okay in a few years to ask DD to look after DS if I need to travel somewhere. She would say no if it didn’t work for her.

I have asked DS1. He will be honest with me.

I am reminded of when I came back from the conference I went to last September where I was away only 3 nights. DS1 remarked that it was hard work keeping someone alive. Obviously that was just his way of appreciating the responsibility that comes with looking after a child, as well as taking care of the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlotteBog · 19/09/2023 15:19

purplecorkheart · 19/09/2023 10:32

Have you spoken with your son about your local friend staying? Why do you think that he would hate it. That seems like the obvious solution to me.

Because she's a 62 year old woman and I have a small home. She would be conscious of that, but it would still be uncomfortable for him (and her probably).

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlotteBog · 19/09/2023 15:19

SpaceRaiders · 19/09/2023 10:41

You can’t leave a 14/15 year old alone for a week, don’t even risk it! School safeguarding would get involved and social services would take a pretty dim view of it. Not to mention if something were to happen you’re thousands of miles away and there’s no local family available to be on hand.

Op ask your adult son. It’s not like it’s a regular occurrence and that’s what families are for after all.

Don't worry, I have no intention of leaving him alone over night.

OP posts:
Certainlyreally · 19/09/2023 15:21

CharlotteBog · 18/09/2023 21:03

Possibly. The problem is that I would need to ask him to commit pretty soon and I don't want to tie him down. He's got no responsibilities and those years don't last long.

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It's 1 week, you're not asking him to look after a baby for years, 1 week!

randobear · 19/09/2023 15:24

Ask the older son and see what he feels about it? Ask with no pressure to accept, if he refuses see what else you can think of.

Indiacalling · 19/09/2023 15:24

CharlotteBog · 19/09/2023 15:17

I have asked DS1. He will be honest with me.

I am reminded of when I came back from the conference I went to last September where I was away only 3 nights. DS1 remarked that it was hard work keeping someone alive. Obviously that was just his way of appreciating the responsibility that comes with looking after a child, as well as taking care of the house.

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Aw, bless him, that made me tear up! A very nice gesture of appreciation for your work over the years.

rwalker · 19/09/2023 15:52

CharlotteBog · 19/09/2023 15:19

Because she's a 62 year old woman and I have a small home. She would be conscious of that, but it would still be uncomfortable for him (and her probably).

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At 14 I think there’s middle ground and compromise
he can come home from school on his own
she arrives later in the evening and stays
in the morning they’ll be up and out minimal interaction
just be organised with food for him
he doesn’t need a babysitter 24/7