Shared calendar- another method of control?

[NeedSleepNow]

Ex and I set up a shared calendar after mediation. I was asked to set it up and put all school holidays into it and then things that crop up affecting us both so I have been putting in things like school parents evening, school plays, sports days, parties or activities that fall on ex's weekend. He now wants everthing put in there that falls on my time with the children too - kids activities, play dates with friends, parties, trips to town. He wants exact times, locations of everything. To me this feels like another method for him to reclaim control, to check up on us, to know exactly what we are doing and where.

What do others do that use these sorts of shared calendars? Do you put absolutely everything in there?

The children live with me, ex sees them once in the week and has them every other weekend,more in the holidays. There is history of EA and control so I am trying to put some boundaries in place and retain some privacy.

This I’d agreed but then say you alternate and he enters all child info for next year

just enter all week child with mum each day

end of

Just no

You can't change the locks but you can put on a safety chain.

Stop engaging with him and do some work on yourself about creating healthy boundaries and saying no.

Ignore all his calls. Insist on text or email only, and that these are only to be about arrangements for contact with the children.

He is using the calendar as a control tool.

Also - it is well documented that mediation should not be entered into if the spouse is abusive.

Your children may need counselling which you should be able to access through the school.

Unfortunately seperation/divorce isn't necessarily a magic bullet for these particular kinds of men, and you will need to show him clearly and consistently that you're not going to be doing what he "expects" any more. Sit tight, when the financial settlement is done and dusted and he no longer has a key to your home things will get a lot easier. You're currently in a really difficult phase, hang in there.

You could try one of the coparenting apps, this worked much better for me than google calender, as my ex was prone to changing things/deleting things and swearing he hadn't, the app has a record of every action and who made the change. We use Two Houses, he absolutely hates it and is constantly threatning to stop using it, but it holds him accountable that's the only thing "wrong" with it and and from my perspective it's brilliant as it means we hardly have to communicate otherwise.

You are not his PA, it was not your job to provide him with a calendar of events when you were together and it certainly is not now. You do not need to let him know where the children are on "your time" and vice versa. You need to arrange pick up and drop off, where and when, and that's it. You can get your solicitor to write a letter asking for reasonable notice if he would like to visit the house, it's hard to enforce legally, but won't look great if he doesn't comply. Get a ring doorbell fitted.

If there is abuse, mediation isn't recommended, I'd stop that immediately. There's a podcast by a Caroline Strawson on Spotify that's pretty good on how to deal with divorcing someone like this, well worth a listen, there are some really helpful nuggets in there. He's got you asking how high when he says jump at the moment, which is a pattern that's set in over years but it's possible to unlearn it with practice. Don't explain, don't justify, keep it short and sweet, he feeds off your reaction so give him as little as possible, the idea being he will get bored and find someone else to energy vampire off.

Thank you @GoldDuster i'll have a listen to the podcast.

Sod him then

Brilliant!

I have a friend in a similar situation. She does drop off and pick up at a police station. She blocks any number he tries to contact her on and only does communication through a third party. As soon as the kids are old enough they will stop seeing their dad.

He cant. If you dont want him there this is what dvp orders from the police are for they will move him. Change the locks. I did without an order saved me a lot of grief.

It's unlikely you'd get a DVPO in cases of financial and coercive control, more likely in the immediate aftermath of an incidence of violence. It's so frustrating, hang in there, document everything.

If he turns up at the door kicking off cos you changed the locks they can.

Be petty and add the things in afterwards.

It's not legal to change the locks on a property that's jointly owned, and if it went to court it wouldn't do you any favours, however, glad that you found a route that worked for you.

Thanks @GoldDuster , I'm trying to stay strong. I had naively thought everything would be so much better after separation/divorce but some days it really feels like there's no respite from all his crap!

I would bolt the door when you're in. I know you still have to let him in but at least you're taking back some control.

Good idea. Would stop him just barging in. You're entitled to some privacy OP.

If you change the locks and he kicks off if he has somewhere else to live you can get an occupational order and non mol. In the interium if he is living somewhere else and you say hes not living there or welcome the police will remove him

He hasn't lived here for 2 years now

OP your mediator is "old fashioned" (sexist) but not old fashion enough to use a excel spreadsheet or similar calendar.

If you can't use a co-parenting app then the other way you sort out a contact schedule for the children find an excel spreadsheet or similar calendar then:

1. Get the school term dates and inset days. (So ideally you want to do the schedule around the end of June to end of July every year for the next academic year.)
2. You then put in the school holidays, inset days and important dates like Christmas, Easter, Mothering Sunday.
3. Then you mark off which parent the children are with when.

Then if there are any parties/events that the child(ren) are invited to on the other parent's weekend. You email the other parent as you are made aware of the party/event with all the relevant information and leave the other parent to accept/decline on the children's behalf. If you are asked by the parent doing the invitation whether your child(ren) are going or not you refer them to their other parent.

Please ensure the email address you use for him is for him alone. So set up a new email address and tell everyone else to use that new one for you. There are very good legit reasons e.g. account being hacked, receiving too much spam as to why you are asking other people to use a new address for you. Then ensure that you are not automatically logged into that email address so you specifically have to log in to look at his emails.

Also block him on messaging apps so he can only old fashion SMS you. You can also set your phone up so all his calls go straight to voicemail.

Once you have a child who is 13/14 and is sensible but definitely when they are 15, it is up to them to tell their other parent about parties/events/school trips etc not you. Then when they are 16 they are the ones to discuss school, exam grades, future plans, etc with their other parent not you.

Your ex will then try to use your children to get to communicate with you. You need to tell your children each time clearly that they aren't to pass messages as their father needs to contact you directly. Apart from it being a way to deal with his control issues it help stops the children playing you off against each other.

The school don't send out a newsletter, it's all on an app and their website but he doesn't have time to look at those apparently!

Most of these apps have a way of synching to your calendar. If you do that then it uploads everything in the school calendar
onto your joint calendar the he can't say you haven't given him the info- he will just get a whole load of useless info too

Good idea, it would probably upload everything for all year groups and make lots of work for him trying to work out what is relevant and what isn't

100% change the locks. I did mine myself but depends on the door. I just bought a new barrel and key from b and q.
Dont give him any information about yourself, dont ever explain yourself or your answer to him.
Put bare min on app and block him on everything else.

It is
Dont do anything for him. He's a grown man and perfectly capable of finding any information he needs.

Exactly this... would I fuck be doing this. This is already ridiculous and his newest demands of you documenting trips to town are fucking stalkerish to be honest. Just say 'NO'

It does feel like that, like we're under surveillance and being watched. I've had the same issue with phone calls from him, if we don't answer straight away he keeps ringing and ringing and wanting to know why, what are we doing, why are we busy, no one told him...

Whenever the kids tell him they've been somewhere, he complains to them 'of course I didn't know anything about it as usual, as your mother didn't put it in the family calendar'. I think he forgets that we aren't a family anymore