Shared calendar- another method of control?

[NeedSleepNow]

Ex and I set up a shared calendar after mediation. I was asked to set it up and put all school holidays into it and then things that crop up affecting us both so I have been putting in things like school parents evening, school plays, sports days, parties or activities that fall on ex's weekend. He now wants everthing put in there that falls on my time with the children too - kids activities, play dates with friends, parties, trips to town. He wants exact times, locations of everything. To me this feels like another method for him to reclaim control, to check up on us, to know exactly what we are doing and where.

What do others do that use these sorts of shared calendars? Do you put absolutely everything in there?

The children live with me, ex sees them once in the week and has them every other weekend,more in the holidays. There is history of EA and control so I am trying to put some boundaries in place and retain some privacy.

1. No what happens on "your time" is none of his business.
2. I was asked to set it up and put all school holidays into it and then things that crop up affecting us both so I have been putting in things like school parents evening, school plays, sports days, parties or activities that fall on ex's weekend. why on earth was it decided you should be his PA? Can he not put those things in his own calendar?!

1. Like fuck would I be putting school events on there. He's a parent he can find that info himself you are not his secretary. Just say you will keep it to Dr's appointments and birthday parties.

1. I want a millions pounds. Just because someone wants something doesn't mean they get it. Get out of the idea that you have to accommodate him. The answer is no. You don't have to elaborate.

A simple "I won't be doing that"

Who asked you to set up the calendar?

The mediator

So someone with zero power over you?

Are you legally obliged to do this? If not, don’t.

I did point out to him that he can check these things himself but he is apparently too busy, and as I am the one doing school pick up/drop off it should be my role

Yes! I suppose I felt bullied into to it (along with many other things).

“No” is a full sentence..

I had this conversation with my husband that I'm still married to and in a happy relationship with that he has the same access to the school website as me.

Or just make up shit and put that on..
”Visit to Wonderland”
” Petrel Counting”
” Meeting King Charles for Happy Meals”
He’ll soon get bored.

So you then around and send one message telling him what will be happening.

He can then take it back to mediation which you Will refuse and then he can take it to court. Where you will not be made to be his free PA.

No I'm not legally obliged to.

I have so far been refusing to put anything extra in there other than school stuff or parties/activites that fall on his weekends. He just keeps pushing and pushing though, saying I am hiding things from him, stopping him knowing what the children are doing, where they are. Said he should be consulted before they try a new activity (on my time so no effect on him) or go out with friends/other family members.

I love that idea, I might try that 😂

I had an x like this op, you can ben over backwards til your back breaks and it won't be enough.

I would update calendar just enough so that he cannot use a lack of co-operation against you, and no more.

Sending you strength💪

But you know this is BS. Treat it as the African Prince who wants me to send him me details so we can fulfill his father's will.

Ignore him. Only ever reply to the relevant points. Ignore the rest and if the whole message is useless don't reply at all.

As he’s using it to bully you then I’d stop using the calendar - if he has access to school info you only need tell him about activities on his weekend.

He’s been totally lazy getting you to do the school stuff but for good will in the courts I would ensure every parents evening school fair etc is in the diary. However I would include nothing personal, no play dates, visits to town activities etc it’s non of his business and wouldn’t stand up on court. In fact his pressure for you to do this could be construed as harassment.

tell him no and don’t interact further on the matter. Him not knowing what his children are doing all the time is the result of you splitting and something he will have to get used to (as will you him as when they visit I feel sure he doesn’t give you a full timetable of events!)

No he doesn't tell me what they are doing and I'm really careful not to ask him what their plans are, other than asking what time he will be picking them up and dropping them back home after.

I think a shared calendar is a good idea because it minimises the communication you need to have with your ex. However, I would refuse point blank to enter details of what you're doing with the kids in your time with them. It's none of his business. Having set up the calendar for this current academic year demonstrates that you're co-operating fully with the mediation process but I'd tell your ex and the mediator that, since you did it this year, it's his turn next year.

I'm trying to get better at this.

I suppose I spent so many years feeling like I had to justify everything to him that I still get drawn into answering his every question, explaining the reasoning behind saying no to his requests.

I would not be doing all that. What mediators say are not binding.
School holidays should be on the school website and he should be registered with achool
so he knows event dates.

I definitely would not add details like play dates during your time with the kids. He only needs to know if it affects where he picks up from. Same with routine appointments like opticians - unless there's something to report like child needing glasses, none of his business. If he wants to manage appointments like dentists then that's a different conversation.

I am disappointed to see that the so called “professional” mediator gave the job to you and not your ex - therefore supporting the concept of “wife-work”.

He is apparentlyfar too busy to check school dates etc him self whereas I work part time so he and mediatior think I should deal with all the life admin like this stupid calendar.

He has no interest in coming along to things like Drs/dentist but makes out that I am excluding him if I have not made him aware of it beforhand. Same as if the kids are ill, he expects to be informed immediately that morning rather than me telling him later that day that they have been off school unwell.

He wants to know all activities/times/locations so that he can try to get involved and just turn up. He has done this in the past and once he turns up once he keeps doing it despite us meant to have a routine of the kids living with me and him seeing them once kids week. Last time he did this he started turning up at sports activities and then just coming back to the house for an hour or so (former marital home had not been sold yet so he legally can just turn up when he wants as he frequently reminds me) so I prefer not to tell him all of their clubs/activities times and locations of I know he will start trying to do this again.

Your right, I hadn't really thought of it that way. He told the mediator he was far too busy to check the school website for dates and as i 'just work part time' I could do it