Shared calendar- another method of control?

[NeedSleepNow]

Ex and I set up a shared calendar after mediation. I was asked to set it up and put all school holidays into it and then things that crop up affecting us both so I have been putting in things like school parents evening, school plays, sports days, parties or activities that fall on ex's weekend. He now wants everthing put in there that falls on my time with the children too - kids activities, play dates with friends, parties, trips to town. He wants exact times, locations of everything. To me this feels like another method for him to reclaim control, to check up on us, to know exactly what we are doing and where.

What do others do that use these sorts of shared calendars? Do you put absolutely everything in there?

The children live with me, ex sees them once in the week and has them every other weekend,more in the holidays. There is history of EA and control so I am trying to put some boundaries in place and retain some privacy.

Sounds like your ex is a lot like mine then!

Right now it just feels like I am under surveillance 24/7 from him and it's a horrible feeling

I’ve found no response is an adequate response. Often entering into a justification, saying no or I’ll think about it or whatever just fuels more of the same.

For a quiet life I would keep up with the shared school calendar which includes school holidays, when you are actually away on holiday or if your kids have a show / concert / parent watching week for an activity that he can attend, but apart from that he doesn’t need to know any more. Literally ONLY the things that might affect him in any way.

You can be general with the hols thing too - Cornwall, Greece, Family Party etc. That way you are seen to be cooperating and reasonable but without pandering to his pathetic “needs”.

@SpaceRaiders yes, I find any time I say no, maybe, or justification of why I won't do something, it just leads to more messages or emails from ex detailing how unfair I am, the impact on him, why I am going this to him...

No need for this shared calendar bollocks. He has the same access to school holiday information as you do.

That mediator is very old school in thinking this is a woman’s job.

School holidays are another issue. Even though he is at work for the majority of it he expects the children's whereabouts to be detailed. If we are away I put that in there but again he expects their day to day activities like 'DS out with friend at cinema, 1-4, location, film being watched etc., what time they will be back, how is he getting there'

I really think you need to speak to your solicitor about him turning up as he pleases. Don't be fooled into thinking this will stop when you move. I'm afraid it won't. You are never going to 'mediate' your way out of this situation.

Sorry to sound negative. I've been in this situation. Despite court being absolutely stressful, I went in prepared and came out with an order that suited my dc and me and in some way put a stop to the controlling behaviour. When he didn't stay in line with the order, I had more confidence to just say no, or to ignore him.

Well, he can’t have that!!!! He can only have information of the things in which he can get involved. Your day to day life is not one of those things.

Dear Mediator,

I am happy to do the exact same as ex.

This means, I am responsible for school activities on my days and he is responsible for school activities on his days. I am not responsible for his life admin as this is control over me. He has access to this information elsewhere. I am not with holding information.

All non school activities on his days I am happy to share and I expect the same in return.

All personal activities on my time are my business. I do not expect him to detail every activity and time he is doing things in his time. This is excessive and controlling and none of my business. In return I am not prepared to facilitate the reverse.

This is not open for discussion.

There is nothing to be mediated. Thanks for your help.

Do not budge.

That was my feeling too that he only needs to have information about the things that affect him like an extra activity or party on his weekend, parents evening, sports day etc. The rest is him just wanting to know everything as he hates not being in charge and in control

Anything school related - details of trips etc - you can ask school themselves to add him to the mailing list so he gets the same info you do. If he wishes to add it to the calendar then he can. You don’t have to.

Anything else - particularly school holiday plans etc - just ignore ignore ignore.

Ex and I have one as it lets us know when each of us is available so that we don’t double book. But we have a flexible arrangement and end up doing school runs, after school activities etc on each other’s days… your situation sounds entirely different and he doesn’t need to know what you’re doing?

Yeah, this is ridiculous and controlling. YANBU to tell him no.

I hope this thread has given you reassurance that you are not being unreasonable OP and your ex is a controlling arsehole.

Stand firm with the calander and if he keeps on at you report him for harassment.

Having read your updates, his requests are very unreasonable.
Your teen will end up having to stop telling you what he's up to if you have to tell Dad everything.

If you got a Child Arrangement Order then teen would be allowed to choose how much contact he had with Dad. He'd be allowed to say none at all. If you pursue this then you'll have to do it after you sort out him turning up at your home and at activities because that is unacceptable behaviour too. He doesn't need to know what activities the kids do or where they are held and what time unless he was paying towards them.

I can see the point of forwarding party invites and asking school to add him to the newsletter list

I always forward him party invites if it falls on his weekends, he let's me know either way and I will then rsvp to them. The school don't send out a newsletter, it's all on an app and their website but he doesn't have time to look at those apparently!

He doesn't pay towards any of their activities. When we were together he moaned that I spent far too much money on their clubs and that they were a waste of time. Now he likes to think he pays towards them as he pays cms

My friend had this with her ex. It's absolutely about control and him setting up as many situations as possible to have contact and criticise you

Could you decide what feels right and appropriate for you to share with him eg school holidays, parties that fall on his weekend and put them and only then on the calendar? Any other requests for info refer to school website and app? Ignore his questions about what your dc have been up to - it should be down to them to tell him.

Our school has a system where in the situations where parents have separated, they will send both parents texts or emails. Would your school do that?

Not shared calendar related but Cafcass at court asked me to notify children’s dad of all school events. I said I wasn’t his PA and he could find out from school the same way I had to. They didn’t have any issue with this.

The school might. They always send him copies of the children's reports as I gave them his address and everything else eg.letters, updates on after school clubs etc go on the app. which he won't download. In principle I feel it is his place to ask the school for info and I shouldn't have to ask them on his behalf.!

I had an ex like this. I didn’t engage at all. His reasoning for creating a shared calendar was the same.

I simply declined the invite and kept deciding the invite. In his case it was a fab tool, especially for deciding the holidays. He’d take dc away for ten days, return them home knackered with ten days of laundry. I’d do the laundry and let them recover (ASD) and then hey presto he’d plan on doing it all again five days later.

Meaning I couldn’t get a holiday in because DC needed down time and came home frazzled. Apart from it didn’t work like that, I hadn’t subscribed so I wasn’t aware so had to receive his disappointment by email.

Stop it now OP. It is definitely controlling from the wrong person.

Op if a party invitation or play date falls during his contact time you forward on the invite/say oh that's their dad's night here's his number". AND THAT'S IT.

As with the whole school calendar thing, you are not his PA and the longer you keep doing everything, the longer he will keep asking/pushing/expecting it and using it as a means of control.

He needs to be contacting school and getting non mailing lists, he needs to look up the diary of evening snaps he needs to remember special dates etc but if he doesn't, it's not your fault!!!!

And if by some miracle, he does actually step up and become a decent interested and involved parent, then that's a massive bonus for your children.

A few things …

Your ex doesn’t have time for life admin but plenty of time to chase your every move .

I would simply plonk newsletter is out all dates on school app on calendar . That would be my limit -
Your teen - he can decide what contact he wants . I would suggest that any activities with teen he communicates with Dad.

re dropping into home . I don’t believe he can do that - contact solicitor .

Do realise this man doesn’t want to co parent . He wants you to parent/ control his way on his terms.

look up grey rock . You need to not reply to most his messages.

you also need to inform him he has had two pay rises would it be easier to go to cms to check what payment is due or is he going to increase his payments.

@Starlightstarbright1 Unfortunately without some sort of court order in place he legally can, he could move back in tomorrow if he chose to. He never rings the doorbell, just walks straight in using his key (legally I can't change the lock unless I give him a new key).

I've seen greyrock mentioned a few times on MN before but have never looked it up so I will do that now. Thank you