Shared calendar- another method of control?

[NeedSleepNow]

Ex and I set up a shared calendar after mediation. I was asked to set it up and put all school holidays into it and then things that crop up affecting us both so I have been putting in things like school parents evening, school plays, sports days, parties or activities that fall on ex's weekend. He now wants everthing put in there that falls on my time with the children too - kids activities, play dates with friends, parties, trips to town. He wants exact times, locations of everything. To me this feels like another method for him to reclaim control, to check up on us, to know exactly what we are doing and where.

What do others do that use these sorts of shared calendars? Do you put absolutely everything in there?

The children live with me, ex sees them once in the week and has them every other weekend,more in the holidays. There is history of EA and control so I am trying to put some boundaries in place and retain some privacy.

Telling him every detail is a control thing and I would worry that it's setting your child up for interrogation and control by him. Did he interrogate you when you were together ? I can imagine a controlling man wanting to know everything like how much does the activity cost (because men like this think that his CMS payment will have you living a life of luxury ) .
This kind of man will be hyper vigilant of you moving on or having fun without him too. Him knowing details will lead to more interrogation of you too as he jumps to abusive man conclusions that meeting people means something deeper than wanting the child to play or for you to have a natter.

As a pp said you could just do it for this academic year then suggest he looks for the dates on the school website for the other dates for next academic year. My ex was a project manager and it took 10 year me for him to realise that the dates are actually on the school website and there isn't some sort of secret communication between school and I. 🙄 Don't get into discussion about it. If he takes the legal route he will be told that it's not his business unless it affects his time with the kids.

Controlling and selfish of him.

I would be tempted to add calendar entries that say "school event" and put a link to the school's website.

Or put lots of stuff in to send him on a wild goose chase.

He is being an absolute arse.

No, of course you don't have to tell him about DC activities when they're with you, and if he wants to keep abreast of their interests, then he can do it by the traditional way of actually talking to his DC.

If this was a functioning co-parenting relationship, then filling in all the DC's activities would actually be a good thing, so that then you can see what they are up to, and can complement activities, avoid over-scheduling etc.

But this is not that, and don't let him bamboozle or sledgehammer you in to thinking that it is.

I'd probably stick all school stuff in (for the sake of the DC) or at least all the stuff that the DC would see as important. If other stuff gets missed, then I suggest a breezy "oh yes, I think that might have been in the newsletter, you really need to check them"

He was very controlling:
-Lots of financial abuse as he was always in control of money
-he would ring on his lunch break every day wanting to see where I was, what I was doing. If I didn't answer my mobile would ring over and over, then the land line. I would get messages saying I don't expect to be ignored if.

-Now he does similar on the days he is meant to speak to the kids, if we are eating dinner and I don't answer my phone rings, then the land line, then eldest child's mobile, over and over until someone picks up...

• tells the kids I am hiding things from him not putting them in the calendar
• yes he thinks his cms pays the mortgage, for the kids and much more. He actually pays less than the minimum (he has had 2 pay rises since we calculated his cms payments) and he tells the kids, family, mutual friends that he still pays for the house etc. Told me he pays the mortgage not me (I have paid the mortgage and all household bills for 2 years now!)
• he wants me to agree to never to leave the kids with anyone other than him if anything crops up even for just 10 minutes. I swiftly said no to that but he is still complaining about it
• he turns up at the house when he wants to, stays hours when dropping the kids off, who's around through stuff. I can't wait for the house to be sold!

This is the thing, they never really want to talk to him. He doesn't ask about their interests, clubs etc and doesn't show a real interest in what they do just moans that I don't inform him of everything.

If he showed a genuine interest in their lives they might talk to him about the things they live and enjoy a bit more

In your situation I might put the school events and parties but only because I would put them onto my own calendar anyway so it makes no different.

In my own situation when DD was small I told ex nothing unless it involved his weekend and I expected the same back. School events I told him to notify the school and to provide them with his detail if he wanted to know what was happening. Dr's visits etc I only informed him about if its serious or DD has had medication etc. All that stopped once DD hit 12 and she and he sort out contact and Dd tells him what she wants about her medical care.

It upsets me to read your posts OP as I've been where you are. I'm a long way down the line. Ex hasn't changed but his affect on me has, so while he will still make completely unreasonable requests I no longer question myself and I'm not scared to say no.

Your ex has no right to know what is happening in your life and your time wirh dc. He has no right to come to your house unannounced.

You shouldn't have been in mediation with this man. It makes me angry that mediators can be so ignorant as to not see how these men use mediation to continue to bully their victims. I think they're just happy to take the money. It happened to me, but we did go on to court and ended up with arrangements that were more binding. Court would remove some of the control that he's exterting.

The mediator can do one

@Singleandproud this is what I'm doing, all school events that he could attend are in the calendar and anything that falls on his weekends like parties etc. He also now wants details of any school trips the kids go on in there but it doesn't affect him as parents don't go so it seems a waste of time me having to put in the details.

My eldest is a teenager now with his own phone so could sorry contact with his dad himself, talk when he wants etc but their relationship is very stained and ex won't accept that DS doesn't want to tell him everything, doesn't want him at various clubs/activities

Stand your ground. He's also abusing your teen by insisting on access to events your DS doesn't want him involved in.

I do this with my ex. We are largely 50/50 though and I got bored of the daily call to find out what the dc are up to after school. It’s a Thursday they are at swimming lessons like they have been every Thursday for 2 years.

He will volunteer to have them for dinner after though so it’s helpful. Given your contact schedule I’d only put stuff that applies to his days.

He even had the cheek in mediation to say that I am bullying him but not immediately selling the house and giving him half the money, that I am excluding him and have made him unwelcome in his home...

He wants to keep going with mediation but I have had enough. I have wasted so much time, energy and money on the process I will just go via my solicitor now.

I would love something more binding but I worry that if we go to court he will end up with 50/50 shared care of the children which I think would be disastrous for them. Our eldest has a poor relationship with his Dad and it would really affect his mental health if he had to live with him half the time, middle child is very homely and likes spending weekends with Dad but wouldn't want more time and youngest now has bad separation anxiety. He screams when he has to go with his Dad (he enjoys going out for the day but is struggling with overnights and it is really unsettling him). If they lived with him he wouldn't be able to take them to half their activities because of the times he works, he wouldn't want to pay towards the clubs etc, doesn't value trying hard at school, completing homework etc..

From what I've read the chances are that he would get 50/50 if he takes it to court so I am really hoping to avoid it, but it means in the mean time having to deal with all of this bill shit he tries to enforce.

DS spends many a night crying about it all and how much he hates his Dad, doesn't want to see him etc. but given their past relationship he is, unsurprisingly, scared to tell him how he feels so ex thonks I am shutting him out and excluding him just to be difficult when in reality I am putting our son's needs above his.

I can see it working well for 50/50 shared care, particularly if the days the children are with each of you vary from some weeks to the next.

You are wasting money with mediation. You're paying to be bullied and to make arrangements he won't stick to.

It doesn't matter how reasonable or accommodating you are, it won't make any difference. He'll just push and push it further.

I can understand your anxiety about court, but for a start, if your eldest is a teen, the court won't order contact that he doesn't want.

Does your ex definitely want 50/50? Or does he just want to control you and the dc?

Court does not protect you from this type of control, if anything this type of person will use the system to continue perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

Op you really are under no obligation to share intricate details of your life with him, neither do you have to be his PA because he’s ‘too busy’ to read emails/newsletters. Firm boundaries will serve you well.

Dont do it. Youare doing more than enough and dont engage in any further conversation about it.

Or be really childish and put absolutely everything in, homework, reading, play dates, baths, what you bought and how much it was. ... dont do this but seriously its like they think they get the raw deal.
Ignore

@Doyoumind at the moment it looks like he doesn't necessarily want 50/50 (although has threatened it in the past and said it is his right), right now he wants absolute control to be able to come round whenever he wants to, to turn up at any activities when he feels like it, to know everything, to even come round and supervise homework if he wants. It boils down to him hating anyone saying no to him and telling him what he can or can't do. If you say no, he just pushes and pushes more for what he wants

@Redlarge I'm trying really hard not to engage with him and to just say no! I won't lie, I do find it hard though and tend to feel I have to justify everything to him.

You do not. Sometimes lovely the best thing to do is nothing at all. You cant win with them.
Dont react, dont explain, dont communicate, dont be dictated to. Hes not your dad. F him.

I love this too....
Children assisted me looking for a new dad on tinder.
Children helped me pick an outfit for date night.
Children helped me count all my money.

Dont say no then. Use phrases like. Ill get back to you when ive thought about this... then dont.

I think that in your position I would text him back once to the messages to say “I wont be doing that”. And then ignore messages for a bit.

If he keeps arguing I would progress to “I wonder if we should move to having individual calendars if the shared one is damaging our co parenting relationship”

and if he really keeps going “I have moved away from the shared calendar because it is damaging our coparenting relationship. You can find the school calendar online here and I will give you any party invitations which arrive for your days”.

Yes! My ex was told off in family court for critising me for not informing him of every single school related thing. They told him its not my job to be his secretary and to use the website like all the other parents. Its just control control control. Also if hes like my ex, he can see when you are child free so in his eyes obviously shagging the whole town and he turned up at the house to keep tabs on me.

@Namechangedforthis2244 thank you, I really like that way of phrasing it. If he continues like this I will try that