Shared calendar- another method of control?

[NeedSleepNow]

Ex and I set up a shared calendar after mediation. I was asked to set it up and put all school holidays into it and then things that crop up affecting us both so I have been putting in things like school parents evening, school plays, sports days, parties or activities that fall on ex's weekend. He now wants everthing put in there that falls on my time with the children too - kids activities, play dates with friends, parties, trips to town. He wants exact times, locations of everything. To me this feels like another method for him to reclaim control, to check up on us, to know exactly what we are doing and where.

What do others do that use these sorts of shared calendars? Do you put absolutely everything in there?

The children live with me, ex sees them once in the week and has them every other weekend,more in the holidays. There is history of EA and control so I am trying to put some boundaries in place and retain some privacy.

I can see why you don't feel a need to update regularly in your situation and sounds like you make a good decision leaving him.
My ex left me when I was pregnant so I am probably being too nice to him when it was his choice to leave our little family

@Unexpectedlysinglemum we have 3 children between the ages of 7 and 14. Our eldest wants very little to do with his Dad. It's very difficult though as if he refuses to go his Dad just comes in to the house and starts arguments about it (legally he is still joint owner so can just let himself in), middle child is quite happy seeing him every other weekend and once in the week, youngest loved seeing his Dad for the days but really struggles with overnights.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I'm sorry you went through that when pregnant.

Thank you!! I'm being very well supported by friends and family and despite the broken heart I'm "Lucky" that he still wants to be a very involved dad to baby, also I guess in some ways easier split as this has been the 'norm' for me since day one and our finances are totally separate

I hope you are documenting the constant stream of harrassment and abuse. Maybe get a ring camera to record him shouting at your child too. All of this will be useful when divorcing him.
he will probably drag his heels and kick off all the time.

OP, he will get bored of it eventually as he doesn't have a genuine interest in his children's lifes. It's always the men that had no interest or involvement with their kids day-to-day lives before separation, that protest the loudest. Claiming that they are devastated or they turn into "disney dad".

Your kids probably get excited when he offers to take them home after club as they can't believe his sudden, new interest in them. They will be conditioned to grab at any crumbs of attention from a previously neglectful parent.

It has nothing to do with missing the kids and everything to do with control and finding ways to blame you for everything. The more control he loses, he more petty and ridiculous his demands will get. Basically, he could put his tshirt on inside out and he'd find a way for it to be your fault.

He is probably putting on a good show of a wounded, wronged father for his new woman, until he her hooked and then he can start controlling her and he will ease off you.

You could suggest as he can now see the benefit of them attending clubs, that he can pick up half the membership & kit fees. Suggest that everytime he shows up. Make him explain in front of his kids why he won't pay.

Stay strong.

Your 14 yo can refuse to see him. Family court wouldn't make him go. Dont be so focused on his right to enter the house. If he's shouting at a child then you leave him outside and call the police.

Next pick up, leave 14 yo in the house, tell them to put the chain on. Then he/she can text father that they dont want to come and turn off their phone. You wait outside with the younger two for him to turn up.

Let him lose his temper and have a tantrum. You need to be your child advocate and help them understand they can say no. Also that's its ok for them to change their mind and decide to see him next time. If he tries to get in the house, phone the police. You need to get his behaviour documented.

Don't be ashamed at the thought of neighbours seeing etc. The shame should be his. This is not normal behaviour. He is not doing what's best for the kids, he just wants control. Your child will need counselling. As do you, to process what has been done to you.

Please contact Domestic Abuse asap.

Thank you @bluedomino , I think my eldest in particular is in need of counselling, his mental health has really suffered this year because of everything.

I know I need to try harder to stand up to my ex. I posted about another issue with him a while ago, and I remember someone saying I need to show my children I love them more than I fear my ex and it's absolutely true. I do try to stand up to him but find myself sometimes slipping back to fearing his reactions and not saying as much as I should. I need to make sure I am always being my children's advocates and standing up for their needs and rights.

@NeedSleepNow I have been round this block and I might be very arsey, but now I would put a block booking across my time with kinds just saying 'spending time with Mum' which is the absolute truth and all the detail he is entitled to or deserves.
My ex also started the emotional abuse on my DD and that's when he really stood up to him as I needed my DD to see me do what she needs to do. It gave her the confidence to manage their relationship on her terms not his.

He really does not have the right to enter the house just because he owns it. That should be by prior arrangement, much as for a landlord. He is not habitually resident in the house (that kicks in after 6 months separation) and what he is doing is harassment in the eyes of the law.
It is difficult if the kids are letting him in though

I'm really sorry I don't have the read OP function so can't go back.

Have you got plans to resolve the housing situation?

We're still negotiating what percentage of the house we will each get when it is sold. I was hoping we would have agreed by now but he doesn't want to budge from 50% and he will have no problems buying a house after. Unfortunately I will struggle to get a mortgage as I took a long career break to bring up the children, so an now on a low income, because of this I was hoping for more of a 60/40 split of the equity from the house. As soon as we have agreed, we can apply for the final order and then sell the house.

As soon as they see his car outside they run to let him in, or when he drops them back they just hold the door open for him to come in. It's really tricky to not be the bad guy in their eyes but to try to have firm. Boundaries with ex.

You're never going to agree. Your options are to agree to the 50/50 split ot get it in front of a judge.

You need to end this ASAP. Your children are suffering and unlike you they have zero power to end it.
It's one thing to um and ar for you. But do you know what it's like growing up in a situation like yours?
Their childhood is going to effect them and their relationships for the rest of their lives.

Tell them to stop and he needs to wait outside.

Monkey see, monkey do. They are learning from him what language and behaviours make you do what they want. Enough. It stops now.

Toughen up with kids, tell them no, you don't let him in. Do you let yourself into his house unannounced? Then put the door chain/bolt up high so they can't reach it.
If the kids moan or say you are being mean/cruel, you need to let it not control your responses to him. Stop thinking this makes you the bad guy. He is the bad guy. Start thinking of yourself as the protector of your children. Everytime you stand up to him, you are giving your kids a better example to follow and a better life.

I have asked my solicitor to write to his to say we either plot 60/40 or to let a judge decide as if I agree to his 50/50 split of finances I won't be able to house the kids easily so it is really important. I want to get this sorted and the house sold ASAP

I will get a chain put on the door, that is a good idea to have it high up out of reach. No I would never just walk in to his place without him asking me in

Whether the kids let him in or not, it is still harassment because he is overriding your wishes and using the children.