How bad is being a single mom

[Zamummy]

I am about to become one and was wondering what to expect... anyone with experience?

It's a million, zillion times better than being in an unhappy/abusive relationship. Finances can be tighter. Time 'off' parenting can be less, especially if you don't have supportive family nearby. But life is much more peaceful, and much happier.

Best thing I ever did was get rid of my ex, that was 5yrs ago, he stopped bothering with our daughter about 4yrs ago. He started going back on arrangements he made etc so in the end I told him to go through the courts as it wasn't healthy for her to see us arguing everytime he came over. He knew he wouldn't get more than supervised visits with his drug habits etc so never bothered.
Since then though we've never been happier, she's 8 now so has gotten used to it just being us. Things are much calmer at home, she's like a different kid, her behaviour is spot on since he's not around. He would gas light me in front of her, wind me up then say 'mammys mental ain't she babe' when I lost my shit. She was like 4 ffs.
Financially it's more of a pinch but I budget quite well & we still go on hols & do things etc it just takes a bit more planning is all.
All in all once you adjust & get your own routine being a single parent can be amazing, I can't imagine being in a relationship now, I'm happy, my daughters happy & that all that matters.
You'll be fine, you'll surprise yourself at how much you like the peace of being a single parent 👌

For me the positives are that I get to make all the choices in my time. Ex makes poor choices around food, screen time, education etc but because he doesn’t have the kids much it doesn’t really affect us.

Im lucky that I’m financially secure. I feel like I get more time to myself- every other weekend from sat morning to sun afternoon - plus I only work 4 days so do gym/housework etc during school hours the last day. I have a fabulous cleaner once a week who makes a huge difference to the load that I carry.

The biggest negative is that I can’t ever go out in the evening without a babysitter. So no popping to the shops, going for a quick drink, fitting in an exercise class etc. Although I do socialise with the kids I find being so tied in the evening a bit lonely.

Despite ex not being a great parent the kids think he’s amazing. He’s more fun and more patient than me (because his time is so limited- he wasn’t like that when we were together) . Overall it’s good that the children enjoy going, and I suspect this may change as teens, but for me it is very very irritating!!!

Absolutely shit because society judges you. Authorities judge you. But infinitely better than staying in a relationship that makes your life hell.

Expect to be blamed for your situation.

It's awful I was one for 11 years.

I'm still very new to being a single mum (8 months in with 16 month old twins) but I would say on the whole I agree with what everyone is saying about it being easier emotionally than being in an unhappy relationship. Being a parent is trying as it is and having a relationship that sucks the energy out of you is tough.

I struggle most when it comes to "me time" as invariably any time I get to myself means sorting the house or going to the supermarket which doesn't really count?!

Despite not being someone who cares too much what people think, I feel an internal pressure to tell anyone new who I meet that my young children were products of a married relationship as I often feel that the assumption is I had a one night stand and got lumbered with twins as a result, because they are so young. That's something I need to work on, for sure.

Am heartened reading the posts on here about how it's been a positive thing on the most part for many.

I was on my own with two DC for eight years. It was difficult financially because my ex didn’t contribute. But I did have a steady and reasonable income of my own. I also had my mum’s support. And she is amazing. I’m married now and very happy. But I loved being on my own with my children and our relationships are all the stronger for it. You will adjust in time and grow to love the positives, I hope. I really wouldn’t worry about dating yet. Give yourself time to settle and breathe.

There's 'lone' parenting where there is no other parent at all, and single, where the other parent is involved to lesser or more extent.
I became a widow when my children were 4 and 6. They are 17 and 19 now.
Unlike other posters my marriage was good and strong. So losing my husband was devastating. And yes it has affected my children, more so my son. Without a male role model he has struggled. And I have struggled with having to make every decision. Childhood is easy peasy (barring any learning or behavioural issues) compared to navigating exam stress, peer pressure, first love, experiments with drink and drugs and life decisions about uni or not etc of teenage years. The psychological toll can be heavy, with or without a partner.
If you can co parent do so.

I've been a lone parent for nearly twenty years.
Partner was more involved initially having them 3 weekends out of 4 and paying maintenance, but that slowly dropped away to almost no contact and no money.
I was fortunate to be independent in terms of job and housing. Work were good at letting me work from home or take days off at short notice when the boys were sick.
I've never dated. Seemed like too much effort and worried that there might be conflict between my boys and a new partner.
They're now in their 20s and this time next month they should have left the nest permanently having found flats to buy and rent.
Parenting on my own was easier than parenting with a difficult partner (post the birth of ds2 when he went through mid life crisis).
There are times when it's been tough and lonely, but I seem to have brought up two lovely young men (according to others, nit just me)

It cuts out all the rubbish though which is good!

one of my friends has been a single mum since she had her daughter really young. Once she got rid of the guy she said it was like a weight has lifted and it was scary but she also felt free in a completely new way. You’re the only adult in your place, your rules. You make it work.

Oh and she now has a lovely boyfriend and it all started slowly and he really liked her from the start l, so that was that. She didn’t date apart from him as couldn’t face the rubbish.

The worst thing for the child ime is the conflict between parents. Have boundaries and a firm agreement right from the start if you are trying to co parent. My ex is a narcissist and I could have save my dd and I years of pain if someone had said this to me at the start .

I've been a single mum for the last 12 years. Before that ex was barely there in terms of providing any help so not much different.

Life is calm, happy, a bit manic and generally very busy.

No walking on egg shells, no arguments about anything. I get to raise my ds to be a kind, happy, well balanced son who has never seen his dad drunk (one of the reasons we left).

I found a superb childminder and just got on with life. Ex does about 20 nights a year. DS doesn't seem to mind.

Don't listen to all the doom merchants on here. It's hard work but a joy. I've never regretted it.

Nah this isn't true! I became a single mum when mine were 2.5yrs and 3m it was hard but calmer, I felt free. They are now 12 and 10. I'm remarried and have another child. My ex is not involved at all but my dh is the best father figure. You've got this. Embrace it.

Do you not think children conceived from a night stand and raised by a single parent deserve the same love and hold the same value as others?

@OJbreakfasttime I know you probably don't mean any offence by people who have got pregnant by a 1 night stand. It does happen though and I have read some sad stories on here and they sound like wonderful parents. The point is you shouldn't judge and you don't need to explain to anybody how you got pregnant. There's plenty of married people about and their husbands do F**K all to be Frank as you will well know.

Life has other plans. Don't worry about what others think!!

I am a single widowed parent of two sons, been on my own 10 years and no regrets. You get used to single life, you find your own way of making it work. I am a much stronger woman now and dating doesn't interest me. I can't imagine going back to that way of life again. I have a fantastic relationship with my sons, we are a great team, one good parent is enough.

Of course I do @RoyKent
I possibly didn't word it correctly, apologies. All children deserve love and respect and I have friends who have conceived children in all manners of ways and those children, and Mums deserve all the love and respect.
Sadly however, there is still a dim view in society of single mums, particularly single Mums with very young children. I've experienced it myself living in a village with lots of older generations. The things people say to me now on the street are very different to what they were saying to me when my husband was walking with me.
Didn't mean any offence at all.