How bad is being a single mom

[Zamummy]

I am about to become one and was wondering what to expect... anyone with experience?

I'm guessing by the use of 'Mom' that you're in the US. I think it differs a lot there than it does to here.
It also depends on whether you're co-parenting or whether you're a lone parent. I'm a lone parent as my DH died when my DD was tiny. I'm solely responsible for my DD's upbringing and everything she takes influence from. That's daunting. As is being solely responsible for her financially and for keeping a roof over her head. Especially at first. I used to think "Shit. How am I going to create an entire (well adjusted, good mannered & kind) adult on my own???? Shit fuck shit!!!!!?! Then you eventually realise that well, you've got little choice so just get on with it and do the very best you can.

On balance, I'd say the emotional side is harder than it is physically. The loneliness is crippling at times, even when your child is right there (especially when they're babies/toddlers).
Also, trying to be that consistently 'happy mummy' when you're dealing with heartbreak/grieving/have the flu/fed up/going through depression or even just having a really bad day - that right there is the challenge of a lifetime and I'm not joking.

• Trying to keep a smile on my face and remain 'perky' around my child when I was deep in grief, heartbroken, all round devastated and NEEDED to curl up in bed to scream & cry - that was without a doubt THE hardest thing I've ever, EVER done. Especially when I saw his face every time I looked at her; But I guess that was specific to my situation.

Conversely though, it can be liberating and enjoyable! It certainly has its benefits to not have to worry about a partner's needs & wants and to not be resentful of how little they've done in the house compared to you etc.
To not have to bother about what I look like in the house and to come home to the house looking exactly how I left it!! (DD is not yet a teenager so that will no doubt change).

Swings & roundabouts in a slightly different park I guess!

As for how she is, it doesn't appear to affect her negatively right now (she's 8). Though I will say that for a long time, she used to look at other Daddies playing with their kids, with a sad look on her face and it broke my heart all over again. However that was when she was age 1/2/3. She hasn't done that in a long time. -It's worth noting here too, that when she did this, she didn't yet know what had happened to her Daddy as she was too small to understand. Sadly she doesn't remember him. So she knows no different now....

Hmm.

As PPs have said, it really depends.

Certainly, being away from my abusive ex is fantastic - I was close to a nervous breakdown when he left.

However it's hard otherwise. Really really hard. I have 3 DC, and the good stuff, as well as the hard stuff, all rests on me. If I've a proud moment with a DC, I've no one to share it with.

I don't have a social life, I work, exercise & ferry DC to sports.

I have not had a relationship of any kind since my marriage ended.

However, it is what it is & I know my DC are better off.

Do you have real-life support to help with a toddler & baby, as financially and practically that will be hard? I wish you well.

My observations 9 months in:

• The practical side is hard (I have a baby and 2 year old). My ex did barely anything with the children or house by the end but to have to take care of absolutely every aspect of life on your own is challenging e.g. taking car for service and no one to pick you up, moving heavy furniture, going to the hairdressers or dentist etc. There's work arounds for a lot of this and probably easier with older children but a lot of small things are more difficult on your own and there are so many of them. You're basically doing the work of two people alone so providing for children financially, practically and emotionally with all the admin, cooking, cleaning etc. that entails.
• Being ill yourself with small children is really tough. One of the hardest weeks of my life was having flu while both children also had it. In practice it's hard to get family or friends to help in this scenario - I didn't want to pass on what I had to my parents and wouldn't impose on a friend except in a real emergency.
• I agree that it can be hard to keep being chirpy / happy mum when you are having a bad day. I haven't always been the greatest parent this year - I'm not as patient or fun or organised as I'd like. I think having to fake it for the children has sometimes helped me though and lifted my spirits - you can't just lie around in bed feeling sorry for yourself after a break up and sometimes that's probably for the best. Sometimes I've had to make decisions which I haven't been comfortable with like leaving baby to cry more than I would have wanted to because my eldest needed something.
• It's nice to be able to focus 100% on my children. My ex wanted a lot of my attention and support and had little patience for the children so he would be obviously unhappy and stressed on days out etc. which would rub off on everyone. I like not having to factor in how he is feeling. I like being able to choose what we're going to do and when.
• I'm enjoying time to myself (when I get it in the evenings) at the moment. I have zero desire for another relationship right now. I'd never say never but it won't be for a long time and even then I will probably be very choosy and keep someone at arms' length for a while. When I first became a single mum I was very worried by the idea of being on my own long term - being in a couple was so much of my identity and I couldn't really understand how you could be happy alone - but I have no time, energy or inclination for a relationship right now.
• My toddler has found it really hard and that has showed up in his behaviour - he's very clingy with me, regressed a bit, more tantrums and anger, desperate to get control of his surroundings and pushes back on everything. He's obviously a toddler and there may have been some of this anyway but that his dad has had such limited and sporadic contact and that I'm splitting my attention between him and the baby with no other parent to support must have made it worse.

Being a single mum isn't (so far) anything like as bad as I imagined though and certainly better than a bad relationship.

Good, nobody to answer to, you make your own routine, only you & dc to clean up for. Bad, nobody to back you up, nobody to step in if you are ill (ds & I both had flu a month after we moved in to our first home in winter 2010 & were snowed in with flu, it was hell, trying to care for him while having flu & having to recover from a big operation) It can be very lonely when dc have gone to bed when you are on your own. As dc get older it can be hard when they get to the arguing stage, nobody to back you up & just say do as your mum has told you. I loved being a single parent for the years until ds got to puberty then it got hard, we were on our own from him being 6, being in our first home together was amazing, the first night we cuddled up on the sofa eating pizza & watching television together.

Split with ex dp when partner was a toddler and it was great. Ex has always paid regular maintenance and the relationship is amicable. I did decide to buy ex out of home so the first year was working quite crazy hours in a full on job and looking back that year was a bit mental but worth it in the long run. Spent over 2 years single before I even considered dating. Me and dd had a lovely life, although I was the only single parent in my friendship group I never felt any different and we had lots of great holidays and days out with close friends. Met dp after I had been single for about 3 years. He wasn't phased that I had a child but certainly makes you think about things alot more when it started to get serious. We've been together for years now and have added another dd to the crew. To dd she has 3 parents who love her and support her and their relationship is amazing.

What I would say is take time for you and your kids. Enjoy that time, get everything you need to in order with both practical and emotional stuff and then a few years down the line think about dating

I loved it. I had a great time with my children. I could just concentrate on them and making our own life fun and carefree. We didn’t always have lots of money but we had enough.
They are adults now and tell me they were happy then. They are wonderful, kind adults.
I don’t think I would have such a close relationship with them if I had stayed in a relationship with their dad.

I'm enjoying it. I'm a lone parent in many ways, as DCs dad lives overseas. My quality of life was massively improved by getting a WFH job with flexitime. Before I was either working or looking after DC. Now I can squeeze in exercise, trips to the hairdressers and dentist and such without having to taken annual leave.

I actually look back fondly on my time as a single mum to my now 12 year old. Government benefits weren't plentiful but it was enough to pay rent and I worked a decent part time job to top it up. I enjoyed being the only decision maker, the lack of extra washing, the quiet evenings. It was difficult on the weekends as my friends would do family things on the weekends. But it really wasn't too bad in my experience. I'm far more stressed now as a family unit! Lol

During the baby and pre-school years it can be super tough if you've got no-one to share the load. I nearly went insane at times. The lack of sleep, the negative effects on your health, stress etc. Probably made easier if you have someone you can hand the kid over to who is local (family, ex). I didn't have financial support or local support either unfortunately so it was super tough. Much easier when they go to school. Still not easy though. I don't want to scare you but the reality is very different for everyone depending on your situation and support levels. It can be gruelling at times. But in some ways simpler. And you will become stronger because of it.

mine are older but I’ve been a lone parent since my youngest was 9. I love it, I’m lucky to be financially secure so don’t have that worry but I really love it and the relationship I have with my kids. I have a partner but wouldn’t live with him while I have kids at home. Our home is calm and relaxed and the children are thriving

Can you contact CMS? Why isn't he paying for his child?

Ultimately it depends on your support network this makes all the difference. If you have these things it's easier by far and as for dating even my single friends struggle!

I love being a single mum, its a great life.

freedom, no compromises, your word is final!

Really hard and ex husband pays and does nothing so have no time "off" but is still fuck tons better than being in an abusive relationship and it is so much better for my children.

I’m single. It was a blessing for me. Ex is abusive. He doesn’t pay support.

choose carefully where you live and schools and support. Offer to support to other mums.

consider role models eg cubs and beavers normally great

explain it to the school and encourage feelings and cuddle time

we have no tv Monday to Friday
we have family board game night
we have animals and counselling when needed
does the school have a good male role model
encourage reading and discussing characters and how they feel etc m what about a dog? Always happy to see you
dont date
the boys and you are enough - they are enough…

OP date if you want.

It's the money that gets me. I see children of friends having treats and holidays and new clothes. It's hard not to be able to give the same.

@RoyKent The pressure of being the sole breadwinner can be a lot. Does your workplace or local council offer any free training opportunities or mentoring programmes to help you progress/increase your earning potential?

No matter how hard it gets (and sometimes it is hard), it is not as bad as sharing your life/home with someone who despises you, criticises you, belittles you, tries to control everything you do.

In really difficult times I ask myself would I prefer to be raising children with other people’s partners and the answer is always no. There are the terminally lazy, who take the bins out or change one nappy and expect a medal and a lie down. There are the untrustworthy, who cannot be relied on to do anything so invariably you end up doing it yourself. There are the Cheshire Cat ones, who pop in and out on their own schedule, oblivious to what happens when they are not there. There are the theoreticians, who read a book about parenting once and will question everything you do (but don’t actually want to take over themselves). And there are the My-Timers, as in “My time is more valuable than yours so it’s only right that you bear 100% of the tiresome end of child-rearing”.

Am about to get out too and can't wait. Whatever the challenges life will be much better than living with someone I hate

Not my experience at all. I am happily married but my 3 closest friends are all separated/divorced and all have new partners.

I love it. Been a single mum since DS was 9 months. He is now 12. No family local so did it alone. His dad barely sees him.

Calm home full of love and peace. Super close bond. Lots of adventures. Great memories. Open house for DS's mates. They must like our place as always have a house full haha. Hope this carries on into teenhood.

It used to be hard juggling work/parenthood when DS was a toddler but got through it with a childminder. Now DS is more self sufficient, work is much easier to balance.

Life is what you make it. I don't link my happiness to a partner.

I separated from h about 8 years ago with 3 dc. It was both relief and hard work. I've been on my own since then and no other partners involved. I manage fine generally but more recently had some health issues which scared me a bit and I started to feel quite alone at night. Now I have a list of emergency numbers I can call just in case and get to know the neighbours if you can.
The other thing which is hard is finding work to fit in with school runs and childminders etc. I've worked in school now for several years and this works for me but I rarely get out of the house by myself.
If you have friends and family around to help and support, you'll be fine. Even without support, I've managed.

I have built up my confidence and found it quite empowering in many ways having been trodden down for so long. I felt proud of myself for working, bringing up the kids and just generally getting everything done. If the kids are younger imo, it's easier. I think it might be harder once they are older.

I didn't want to get into any relationships afterwards because I wanted to just be there for my children and I was too busy anyway. It's a big change for them and bringing in a new person too soon could have negative consequences I think. However, I've left it too long probably now to ever want to again.

Loads of experience. I love it. Can’t imagine having a partner. I love being just me and children.

''Calm home full of love and peace. Super close bond. Lots of adventures. Great memories. Open house for DS's mates. They must like our place as always have a house full haha. Hope this carries on into teenhood.''

This! My house is very calm too even now the kids are teens and pre teens. We get arguments but they are generally quickly burnt out.