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Original poster

Ex asked not to have DD due to grief

105 replies

Somenewname · 01/02/2022 07:48

I may be unreasonable but I want to get views on this.
I just get annoyed how my ex seems to get a day off parenthood when there’s a problem. He has DD every Wednesday and EOW and he’s reliable and good most of the time. He does cancel for weird things like IBS flare ups etc which annoy me as I’ve had norovirus and looked after her before. Today he’s messaged saying he can’t have DD this Wednesday because his stepdads funeral is Friday and he needs time to think. I get that grief is hard but his stepdad died in December and he’s had her throughout January so I don’t understand why he can’t now? I just feel it’s frustrating and maybe him cancelling in the past for small things may have stained my view of this.
I see DD as a good distraction and love having her around especially if I’m feeling low but maybe we are different in that respect?

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 01/02/2022 07:50

You can't force the other parent to be engaged unfortunately. Your DD will see through him as she gets older

Fallagain · 01/02/2022 07:51

How old is your DD? Do you get him to explain to her why he isn’t going to spend time with her? Honestly he sounds like he needs to step and parent, he has plenty of time without her to think.

Branleuse · 01/02/2022 07:51

I think if its a one off then its a fair request.
I always complied with stuff like this that were occasional, as it made for an easier coparenting relationship and he woukd sometimes take ds extra if i needed him to

Smartiepants79 · 01/02/2022 07:59

As a one off (or rare event) I think it’s ok to compromise and be flexible. In the specific circumstances I’d be understanding.
The bigger question would be, would he do you a favour in return and have her when you needed him to.

Inspectorslack · 01/02/2022 08:00

It’s right in the teeth of the funeral. I’d cut him some slack personally.

Original poster
Somenewname · 01/02/2022 08:01

DD is 3 and I don’t argue with him about these things I do just say ok, because I’d rather her be with me than him reluctantly have her if you know what I mean.
I just feel it’s weird and sometimes his reasons are strange. He’s been working full time and seeing friends etc without a problem so I guess i just get frustrated that having her is the one thing he can’t do this week.
He has form for being a bit of a victim and I’m not taking away his grief as I know that it’s very real. But it makes it hard for me to empathise with him when I know he has past form for picking and choosing when things bother him and although he’s been consistent for the last year or so, it’s really stained my view of what he says and does.

OP posts:
Original poster
Somenewname · 01/02/2022 08:03

Thanks for the comments so far by the way. He would be flexible with me if I needed a favour but he’s had a couple of relationships since DD has been born and when he’s been with someone he’s been difficult and totally inflexible, when he’s alone though he’s much easier and will usually comply with change if/when necessary.
I think maybe I’m bringing the past in to this situation perhaps.

OP posts:
MoreHairyThanScary · 01/02/2022 08:04

I think you're making it all too easy for him, he's is able to step out of childcare when he feels like it.

I would say "sorry I have plans you will need to organise childcare".If it costs him money and effort I suspect he would stop messing you around so much.

Lampshading · 01/02/2022 08:08

@MoreHairyThanScary

I think you're making it all too easy for him, he's is able to step out of childcare when he feels like it.

I would say "sorry I have plans you will need to organise childcare".If it costs him money and effort I suspect he would stop messing you around so much.

Yes I agree with this, if he feels he cant have her then he needs to arrange something. If it was actually very occasional then that would be fine, but sounds like he has many excuses and knows he can opt out as he pleases. Its tricky as heartbreakingly if he doesn't want to see her then you can't force it and forcing her to go is not good, but similarly yes he needs to step up and accept some responsibility and not rely on you to pick up his slack, especially as he is inflexible himself!
Firefliess · 01/02/2022 08:14

If him not having her is causing you problems with work and childcare then the answer is " I'm sorry but I can't have her Wednesday as I'm working. You'll need to find someone else to have her" It took me a while to get my ex to ask me if we could change the routine, rather than simply telling me that he couldn't have them one day - but I did get there.

But if you're not working and would be able to have her that'll look a bit petty so might be best just to let it go.

Would swapping to another day be an option?

MiddleParking · 01/02/2022 08:15

Fuck that. If it was the actual day of the funeral it would be fair enough. He has “time to think” on all the other days he doesn’t have her.

Original poster
Somenewname · 01/02/2022 08:19

@MiddleParking this is what my first thought was. The weekend just gone was my weekend so he’s had all of that time to think/process plus all the other days this month where he’s been alone. He will have the evening before the funeral to himself and the whole day/evening of the actual day.
But then I felt guilty like in my mind I’m minimising the grief he feels. It’s just frustrating how differently we think and that’s what bothers me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Somenewname · 01/02/2022 08:21

@Firefliess funnily enough I did offer this evening to him and he said he’d rather be alone because he's feeling ‘quiet and reserved’ and thinks it would be best for him to have time to reflect.

OP posts:
FindingMeno · 01/02/2022 08:23

If he thinks his grief ( it can often be quite acute around the funeral) will be detrimental for your dd, I think its fair and sensible.

TheOrigRights · 01/02/2022 08:27

It's sad when a parent doesn't want to spend time with their child, and listing the reasons is pathetic (nb I am not minimising how bad grief feels, but you don't use that as a reason not to be with your child).

Competing over who doesn't get to be with them Sad

I don't have any advice because DS2 doesn't see his Dad at all now. I don't have to deal with any of this nonsense, but also get no down time - or grief time, or sick leave etc.

Firefliess · 01/02/2022 08:30

3 year olds can be quite full on. And dads who only have them a day or two a week are often not so used to managing them alongside getting other stuff done If it's not her main home and she's used to having his full attention when she's there he maybe is feeling not up to having her. I don't think this would be the best opportunity to challenge him over generally being a bit crap and unreliable.

TheOrigRights · 01/02/2022 08:30

...and yes, it's not like he's had NO time or head space to think. That I could understand e.g. asking to have an afternoon to himself. But this is the other way round. He's had loads and loads of time and now wants more.

TheOrigRights · 01/02/2022 08:32

@Firefliess

3 year olds can be quite full on. And dads who only have them a day or two a week are often not so used to managing them alongside getting other stuff done If it's not her main home and she's used to having his full attention when she's there he maybe is feeling not up to having her. I don't think this would be the best opportunity to challenge him over generally being a bit crap and unreliable.
So, he can spend time with his daughter while not getting any other stuff done. So what? That's what being a parent is. You can't just opt out because you're not up to it.
ElBandito · 01/02/2022 08:37

I think this time it isn't a hill to die on. It would be very easy for him to use it against you. Possibly he may have been supporting his mum a lot this week and need time to himself, but you would have a better idea of how likely that is.
He shouldn't be telling you he can't have her, he should be asking.
Next time he can't have her for a less emotionally charged reason either insist that he does or tell him you have an appointment and he will need to pay for child care.

Inthesameboatatmo · 01/02/2022 08:41

You have my sympathy op my ex is the same. I'm just waiting for him to run out of scenarios and excuses.
You can't force him to see the child unfortunately but you do need clear amd firm boundaries. Keep a log of all his bullshit and flakeyness. Times dates excuses etc.

SallyAnn32 · 01/02/2022 08:42

My ex is like this. I currently have covid and I'm struggling on my own with 2 kids whereas he had only himself to look after. I got upset with myself about it this morning but then I thought well it's a short space of time and I will get better. I get all of the nice stuff (alongside the shit end of the stick like when they argue and when they're unwell) but I'm their go to for everything and I hope it will make us even closer when they're older. Kids don't forget stuff like this.

As PP said - you can't force him to be engaged. Something I've been trying to encourage for almost 3 years!

Original poster
Somenewname · 01/02/2022 08:46

Thank you. I definitely won’t be challenging him on this because the reasons are very personal and it is genuinely impossible for me to know how he’s feeling but inside I just feel angry because I spend so much of my time feeling burnt out but always show up for DD and give her my best so my attitude is just to carry on as her feelings come above mine IMO. I also work full time and have had an operation recently. Two days after my operation it was his weekend to have her and he ended up bringing her back to my house because she was upset and being hard work! I made him stay in the house though because I couldn’t pick her up etc and he did. But I needed time then and as much as he stayed with me and tried to help DD is very clingy to me and when we’re both together she always wants me anyway.
That part isn’t really that relevant I’m just ranting now. I am lucky that he sees her as much as he does but I occasionally do get triggered when I see that his idea of parenting and the responsibility that comes with it is not the same as mine.

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 01/02/2022 08:46

I know what you mean op I've only been at this single parent lark a year and have already had ti step in to manage the situation on occasion as he just doesn't think of how the kids might feel.

I'm in a similar boat this past couple of weeks. I've had to cancel 2 shifts at work as he's been in hospital. Fair enough i guess but it's the whole -I'm sick so I make arrangements. He's sick so I make all the arrangements thing thats annoying.

Wheres the part he sorts out childcare of he's sick and I'm.working..

Elieza · 01/02/2022 08:47

Tell him, ok problem what days do you want to take her for instead as I’ve had Norovirus and I’m absolutely knackered and need to rest and recuperate.

Elieza · 01/02/2022 08:47

I think you’ll find he no longer winges once he realises his excuses don’t get him out of his responsibilities.

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