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Lone parents

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Original poster

Ex asked not to have DD due to grief

105 replies

Somenewname · 01/02/2022 07:48

I may be unreasonable but I want to get views on this.
I just get annoyed how my ex seems to get a day off parenthood when there’s a problem. He has DD every Wednesday and EOW and he’s reliable and good most of the time. He does cancel for weird things like IBS flare ups etc which annoy me as I’ve had norovirus and looked after her before. Today he’s messaged saying he can’t have DD this Wednesday because his stepdads funeral is Friday and he needs time to think. I get that grief is hard but his stepdad died in December and he’s had her throughout January so I don’t understand why he can’t now? I just feel it’s frustrating and maybe him cancelling in the past for small things may have stained my view of this.
I see DD as a good distraction and love having her around especially if I’m feeling low but maybe we are different in that respect?

OP posts:

QuirkyTurtle · 01/02/2022 11:38

[quote Somenewname]@QuirkyTurtle i
You sound like a level headed person and a good step parent.
It is nice to be flexible and I am ok with flexibility - life happens and I get that!
I think I just feel angry at the past situations where he’s been so difficult with me at times and I’m always compromising far more. Hopefully with time this will get easier and level out.[/quote]
Christ, that's the nicest thing anyone has said to me on MN haha. Wasn't prepared for that.

Of course you know him best and if this has been an issue in the past then of course there's the chance he's taking the piss and using any excuse to get out of parenting. At least keep track of it and save messages. I hope things get better but if it does ever get to custody arrangements, you have that proof on your side.

Bertiebiscuit · 01/02/2022 11:40

1)make him explain to his child why they are so low on his priorities
2)tell him to grow up and start acting like a proper parent
3)point out to him that his child's disappointment with will always be her chief memory of her childhood - is that really what he wants

tara66 · 01/02/2022 11:53

As a parent he needs to do what is expected of him in good times and in bad.

starfishmummy · 01/02/2022 11:53

@FindingMeno

If he thinks his grief ( it can often be quite acute around the funeral) will be detrimental for your dd, I think its fair and sensible.

I agree.

And grief isn't linear. Just because his Step Dad died in December doesn't mean that he has done the worst of his grieving before now.

Theunamedcat · 01/02/2022 11:56

Dds dad lost a baby after we split i spoke to him and said I understood if he didn't want to see her that week under the circumstances he never saw her again really he had more children with his wife but never wanted to see his daughter

RobertsRadio · 01/02/2022 12:09

He sounds feeble as fuck.

ANameChangeAgain · 01/02/2022 12:09

I wouldn't challenge but I would think it was a cop out. He is supposed to be a co parent, it isn't like cancelling a play date.

Vloggamamma · 01/02/2022 12:10

He sounds very flakey. Surely his stepdad's death would make him appreciate family even more. " I need time to think" sounds more like "I can't adult today". Sorry but you have a child mate , a child with needs and feelings. Having a child isn't a la carte - it;s about showing up and being there no matter what. He needs to grow up before his DD is the one choosing her own step father over him.

godmum56 · 01/02/2022 12:15

right off topic but I wouldn't have a child to stay if I had norovirus unless I had caught it from them.....its very infectious and no one will be happy when it rips through the class at school or playgroup.

SunshineCake1 · 01/02/2022 12:22

I would do it this time but tell him from now on if he doesn't want to have his child then he pays for childcare.

SoupDragon · 01/02/2022 12:23

Today he’s messaged saying he can’t have DD this Wednesday because his stepdads funeral is Friday and he needs time to think. I get that grief is hard but his stepdad died in December and he’s had her throughout January so I don’t understand why he can’t now?

There was a similar time between my mum dying and her funeral. I was still a total mess before the funeral. Odd that you think he should have basically "got over it" by now. Funerals are hard.

I get that he's been unreliable on other occasions and you have my full sympathy there! I've had to deal with an Ex who appears to have used me as childcare on occasion. I bit my tongue on most of the occasions and held onto the thought that my children would remember that I was always there for them. Sometimes I said it wasn't convenient though so I wasn't a total pushover.

RussianSpy101 · 01/02/2022 12:31

YABU. Funerals are very emotional- regardless of the time that’s passed since his step father died.

RussianSpy101 · 01/02/2022 12:32

@Vloggamamma well he is hardly choosing his step father over his daughter- he’s died for Christ sake!

Goang54 · 01/02/2022 12:43

Having a child is not a job.

You do not get to opt for sick days or holiday.

As someone with serve ibs who ends up curled over a toliet in agony for days. This is not on. I am also a mother. And i am a mother regardless if im in pain, regardless if im sick, and most importantly regardless if im experiencing greif of depression.

My child will always instinctively come before my own wants and needs so its not even a struggle to put them before the bad or the good.

Being a parent is 24/7

The fact that he is pick and chosing is disgraceful despite the circumstances. If he lived with your dc all the time he would not have this luxury. I think he is using your current set up to his own advantage and to be frank he is taking the fucking piss.

Its his own child not anyone elses.

As pps said if he tries to flunk on his ONE day of responsibility you DO NOT be the plan b. Then it is up to him to organise alternative child care and it is most define up to him to tell and dissapoint his child.

Some men honestly

Starlightstarbright1 · 01/02/2022 12:46

I can see why you are getting annoyed but this is the wrong one to fight..

I lost my best friend over Christmas a couple of years ago.. My DC was with me all the time as it was school holidays.. You just pull yourself together and do the parenting job.. I did cry at times its ok for them to see you are sad upset but also see that life goes on.

However I would not fight on this one.... Wait till the next excuse..

knittingaddict · 01/02/2022 13:00

@FindingMeno

If he thinks his grief ( it can often be quite acute around the funeral) will be detrimental for your dd, I think its fair and sensible.

I disagree.

Couples who are together and single mothers rarely get this luxury. They have to soldier on as best they can. I don't see why separated fathers are given a pass on coping with horrible life events AND care for their children.

Vloggamamma · 01/02/2022 13:02

[quote RussianSpy101]@Vloggamamma well he is hardly choosing his step father over his daughter- he’s died for Christ sake![/quote]
Take a deep breath and calm down.

QuirkyTurtle · 01/02/2022 13:07

Couples who are together don't need to deal with the complexities and general shitiness of co-parenting. Couples who are together have a lot of perks that co-parents do not have. Co-parenting has almost zero positives, the one perk you get is that you can rely on your other co-parent to make things easier in these types of situations. Just because other people have to suffer through it doesn't mean people in co-parenting situations need to suffer equally if the ability and willingness of the other co-parent to help is there.

Vloggamamma · 01/02/2022 13:14

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

weird things like IBS flare ups

Do you have understanding of how debilitating (and embarrassing) IBS flare-ups can be?

It sounds as if you have no empathy whatsoever.

as much as he stayed with me and tried to help DD is very clingy to me and when we’re both together she always wants me anyway

I think you need to read your comments back to yourself.

Being a single parent is hard; but it does sound as if he will never match up to your expectations.

That’s a bit harsh . How do you know she has no empathy ? Actually she seems like she’s been too empathetic putting up with his BS. As other posters have said they can be in agony with IBS and it doesn’t stop them parenting. He certainly didn’t have a problem making the child , so he needs to actually be her parent. He will be the very type when he’s elderly and frail that will expect said DD to look after him, I’ve seen this so many times with friends and relatives. His child needs him just like one day he will inevitable table need her, and hopefully she won’t be the one making excuses like “ I need time to think”.

WetLookKnitwear · 01/02/2022 13:28

I think he’s full of crap given the backstory. You’ve been too nice and he’s taken advantage.

Its true you can be so badly affected by grief you can’t safely look after a child, so you have to let this one go. But in the future when he’s saying he’s got IBS or whatever tell him you’ve got plans so he’ll have to arrange childcare.

Theunamedcat · 01/02/2022 13:35

FWIW I have ibs I still have to parent on my own

AnneElliott · 01/02/2022 13:49

I agree the bar is set low for men! No way would a mum be told that it's fine to drop her parenting responsibilities in the same situation- although very few would even try to!

I don't think you pick this fight but next time he can't make it I think you should be form and tell him he'll need to sort childcare.

Winchestercollege · 01/02/2022 14:53

if I can stay awake all night cluster feeding and rocking DD to sleep as a newborn after a c section and major hemorrhage, he can have her when he has IBS

Having had both, I can assure that IBS is the one that would be harder to care for a child with, if it's bad. I obviously don't know if his IBS is debilitating but it really could be. You don't want your child with someone doubled over in pain stumbling to the bathroom every five minutes. It's not a nice environment. I have been unable to get a breath due to Ibs pain and no way would I have discharged responsibilities to children in a satisfactory way at such times.

He needs to try the fodmap diet though. It's very hard work and if the IBS is that bad he'll be willing to do it. I would have no patience if he doesn't go all out to address it.

TheOrigRights · 01/02/2022 15:21

@Winchestercollege

if I can stay awake all night cluster feeding and rocking DD to sleep as a newborn after a c section and major hemorrhage, he can have her when he has IBS

He needs to try the fodmap diet though. It's very hard work and if the IBS is that bad he'll be willing to do it. I would have no patience if he doesn't go all out to address it.

The OP has stated with regards to his IBS "The reason I’m suspicious is he never once mentioned having IBS during our relationship and it conveniently only ever flares up on weekends when he has DD. He’s never had a sick day off work in a public facing, demanding job due to IBS and frequently prides himself on how he’s never had a sick day."

sadpapercourtesan · 01/02/2022 15:24

I'm with those who say he should maintain his commitment to his daughter regardless of circumstance. Being a child's parent isn't like any other relationship, its not optional and it's not something you get to switch on and off. We've been through some pretty hair-raising things since we had our children and of course it isn't an option to just have a break from being their parents. We knew that when we had them.

That doesn't mean you can't have compassion for his grief, or his medical issues, or whatever other challenges he's facing. It just means he doesn't get to opt out of being a father because of them.

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