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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ex asked not to have DD due to grief

105 replies

Somenewname · 01/02/2022 07:48

I may be unreasonable but I want to get views on this.
I just get annoyed how my ex seems to get a day off parenthood when there’s a problem. He has DD every Wednesday and EOW and he’s reliable and good most of the time. He does cancel for weird things like IBS flare ups etc which annoy me as I’ve had norovirus and looked after her before. Today he’s messaged saying he can’t have DD this Wednesday because his stepdads funeral is Friday and he needs time to think. I get that grief is hard but his stepdad died in December and he’s had her throughout January so I don’t understand why he can’t now? I just feel it’s frustrating and maybe him cancelling in the past for small things may have stained my view of this.
I see DD as a good distraction and love having her around especially if I’m feeling low but maybe we are different in that respect?

OP posts:

Original poster

Somenewname · 01/02/2022 08:48

@SallyAnn32 you have put my feelings in to words. I do often think that way in the midst of being frustrated at the imbalance etc, I know I am her constant and we will be so close as she grows up because she will feel that she has always been my priority above anything and It’s worth it all to have that relationship.
I’m sorry you aren’t feeling great 💐

OP posts:

BuickMcKane · 01/02/2022 08:53

The problem is, you can't MAKE him take her. I'm 8 years post split with my ex and it's just impossible to physically make them take the kids. You can say no sorry it's you're day all you like, but the bottom line is if he doesn't want to have her he just won't turn up. On the occasions my ex has relented, the kids have had a miserable time with a grumpy, resentful dad. I know it's shit, and you just want them to step up properly, but he sounds like my ex and many more on this site who see their kids as an option rather than a priority.

AuntieMaggie · 01/02/2022 08:55

I'm in a similar situation to him in terms of losing a step parent in Dec and the funeral being soon, and I don't think he's being unfair. Everyone grieves differently and I don't know what the situation is with his involvement with the funeral but if he's been working full time etc it may be that it's all feeling a bit much and real this week with the funeral approaching, and a 3 year old needs full attention. I'd give him a break this time due to the circumstances.

Original poster

Somenewname · 01/02/2022 08:59

@BuickMcKane I agree and that’s why I don’t argue with it because I’d rather her be with me then with a parent who’s reluctantly having her. Kids are intuitive and pick up on energy and for that reason I’d rather just agree and have her myself as I know she will get 100% from me.
It’s just helpful to get it off my chest on here because the frustration does get to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Somenewname · 01/02/2022 09:00

@AuntieMaggie I’m sorry to hear about your loss and I appreciate your thoughts on the situation. I won’t be making anything difficult for him because of it. I do feel his previous cry wolf type of excuses have tainted my view.

OP posts:

thenewduchessoflapland · 01/02/2022 09:01

Again the bar is set at ankle height for men.

"Oh just let him off on Wednesday because he's grieving" 🤔

In a reverse situation do you think it would be reasonable for the OP to contact her ex and say

"it's my step parent funeral on Friday so can you have DD on Wednesday and Thursday for me because I need to be alone?"

Do you think he'd rearrange his week so he could have his DD for his ex?

We all know what thé answer would be.......

Ugzbugz · 01/02/2022 09:03

Why can the NRP never cope with kids and life events or illness? My ex would expect the same but it wouldn't matter if my family was dying or I was, he would never step in and help.

DePfeffoff · 01/02/2022 09:14

@thenewduchessoflapland

Again the bar is set at ankle height for men.

"Oh just let him off on Wednesday because he's grieving" 🤔

In a reverse situation do you think it would be reasonable for the OP to contact her ex and say

"it's my step parent funeral on Friday so can you have DD on Wednesday and Thursday for me because I need to be alone?"

Do you think he'd rearrange his week so he could have his DD for his ex?

We all know what thé answer would be.......

This.

How many parents would seriously fob their children off onto someone else because they needed to "think" two days before a step-parent's, or even a parent's, funeral? Especially when they've had most of the rest of the week to think, to say nothing of over a month since the stepfather died.

AuntieMaggie · 01/02/2022 09:18

@Somenewname Thank you. I can see how his previous behaviour has made you feel about this situation, and I don't think you're wrong to feel the way you do or to address it but I think you need to tread carefully with the current situation. I'm not making excuses for him or his past behaviour (it's not good enough) I can only share my experience. I've been off work but don't feel like I've had time to process it. It's hit me harder than I thought it would. I have 2 young children and at times they provide a much needed distraction but others they just make me feel worse as I don't feel I can engage with them as much as I'd like. Grief is complicated especially when it's a parent.

misssunshine4040 · 01/02/2022 09:20

@Inspectorslack

It’s right in the teeth of the funeral. I’d cut him some slack personally.

Sounds like he's been cut plenty of slack! He's a parent not a babysitter. He gets on with it and that's it like everyone else does

user33323 · 01/02/2022 09:25

Agree he is a parent not a babysitter. If you were living together then he wouldn't get to lock himself away in a room from her so he could have indulgent time to think, parenting is constant and relentless. You need to stop letting him opt out, tell him you have an appointment/work, at the very most, swap days, not skip days.

emsmar · 01/02/2022 09:28

@MoreHairyThanScary

I think you're making it all too easy for him, he's is able to step out of childcare when he feels like it.

I would say "sorry I have plans you will need to organise childcare".If it costs him money and effort I suspect he would stop messing you around so much.

Totally!

Blurp · 01/02/2022 09:29

Why do you have to struggle through when you're sick but he doesn't? Is it because you don't ask him to help out? What would he do if you texted and said "Could you take DD for a couple of days; I have a stomach bug and need to rest?"?

If he would do it, but you just don't ask, that's very different than if you ask and he says no.

I'm just asking because I have a relative who's an absolute martyr like this; she'll battle on no matter what's wrong, rather than messaging her ex who would be happy to help if he knew about it - then she'll complain that he asks her for help if he's ill.

Poppop4 · 01/02/2022 09:31

When my dad died I physically couldn’t parent for a while. Then I picked myself up and got on with it but the week of his funeral I was a mess. I couldn’t sleep all week, couldn’t eat, felt weak and parenting a toddler was very difficult.
After attempting to parent well for 2 days my partner ended up taking a few extra days off work because I simply couldn’t cope.
Everyone grieves differently. He’s grieving give him some slack.

MadgeMak · 01/02/2022 09:35

@Firefliess

3 year olds can be quite full on. And dads who only have them a day or two a week are often not so used to managing them alongside getting other stuff done If it's not her main home and she's used to having his full attention when she's there he maybe is feeling not up to having her. I don't think this would be the best opportunity to challenge him over generally being a bit crap and unreliable.

Fucking diddums. I bet OP, or indeed any woman, doesn't get to opt out of parenting if she doesn't feel up to looking after her child. He's had plenty of days to get other stuff done whilst OP was doing the job of parenting, renegading on his one day is pathetic.

Serendipity79 · 01/02/2022 09:40

Posts like this make me realise I'm not alone in this situation. My first ex who I have two children with is exactly like this. When i left him I offered shared custody as it was back then - within a year he'd moved away, found himself a new fiancee and was down to seeing our kids once a week for tea. I learnt quickly not to rely on him, I asked him just once to take one of them to the dentist as I was double booked with our other childs dance class and I never heard the end of it. Now they are grown up he likes to spend more time with them - mainly in the pub....

My second ex, who I also have two children with simply never looked back when I left him and they've not seen him for over 3.5 years. I remain firmly committed to being a single parent as I realise I made crap choices in terms of life partners.

Those of us who are the main parent just don't have as many options when it comes to "having a day off from parenting" - there was a post on here yesterday where some chap tried to justify the limited amount he saw his child by saying "I need a life too". Most of us accept when we have children that our life will revolve around them for a good few years. You cant (or shouldn't) just give up for a bit when you have other stuff to do.

I don't buy into any of the "you're lucky to get child maintenance, you're lucky he sees them sometimes, you're lucky he will occasionally put himself out for his own child. The bar is set far too low for absent parents so I feel your pain - but your child will learn who the constant in their life is

Branleuse · 01/02/2022 09:40

I think I would use this to say to him that its fine if he cant have her this time as hes feeling low, but youd appreciate, going forward if he showed you the same compassion when you need help with parenting, and remind him of the occasion he brought her home after surgery rather than let you recover. Tell him that you want to have a mutually respectful parenting relationship and for it to go both ways, as thats best for all three of you, and that you hope the funeral goes ok

Original poster

Somenewname · 01/02/2022 09:41

@Blurp that’s ok, it’s a reasonable question to ask. He helps when it’s convenient and doesn’t impact his life. I’m not afraid to ask if I need it. I’ve had to take all parental leave for my DDs sick days so far bar one day, even when they fall on my partners contact days. We both work the same hours in the same industry but his work is always more urgent and important.
When I’ve asked him to be with DD if her sickness falls on his contact day there’s always loads of reasons why he can’t do it. The last time I point blank refused to have her because the nursery was shut due to COVID (DD wasn’t ill) and she needed one of us off work with her. He eventually gave in but it was an absolute faff getting him to see that it’s his day therefore rightfully his responsibility. It’s easy to fall in to martyrdom though because sometimes the fuss it causes isn’t worth it.
I have asked him to have her once when I had flu about 18 months ago and he had her for me then by having him on the Tuesday I was ill rather than his Wednesday-so has helped previously
but it is disproportionate to the amount he’s cancelled for IBS and various things.

OP posts:

Phobiaphobic · 01/02/2022 09:50

You're not minimising the grief he feels, OP - you just don't see why it has to be centred above all else. Plenty of grieving parents don't have the luxury of opting out of childcare to nurse their feelings.

SallyAnn32 · 01/02/2022 09:50

[quote Somenewname]@SallyAnn32 you have put my feelings in to words. I do often think that way in the midst of being frustrated at the imbalance etc, I know I am her constant and we will be so close as she grows up because she will feel that she has always been my priority above anything and It’s worth it all to have that relationship.
I’m sorry you aren’t feeling great 💐[/quote]
It's almost like they just think I've had enough of grown up life. I'm bored now. And off they f@ck. It's taken me a long time to get around to this way of thinking.

If he's grieving then that's fair enough but it sounds like any excuse to shirk the responsibilities of parenthood. Their loss and all that xx

JohnKettleyIsAWeatherMan · 01/02/2022 09:51

Most of us accept when we have children that our life will revolve around them for a good few years. You cant (or shouldn't) just give up for a bit when you have other stuff to do.

So people aren't ever entitled to any space or time for their own priorities if they happen to be parents? Not even any space or time to grieve a bereavement? Sheesh.

silverbubbles · 01/02/2022 09:56

YANBU. He can use the day to tell his daughter all about his stepdad and what a great parent he was who stepped up to his responsibilities like a proper Dad should.

It's weak / selfish behaviour that is not reciprocated when you were not well.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 01/02/2022 09:56

I don't know what your relationship with him is like - would you be able to agree to this but also tell him that you are worried she will start to think she is a nuisance to him and only welcome at his house when it is convenient?

Winchestercollege · 01/02/2022 09:58

He sounds dreadfully annoying but you should be aware that IBS can be unpredictable and totally crippling.

DePfeffoff · 01/02/2022 10:02

I have asked him to have her once when I had flu about 18 months ago and he had her for me then by having him on the Tuesday I was ill rather than his Wednesday-so has helped previously but it is disproportionate to the amount he’s cancelled for IBS and various things.

Wow. He brought his normal contact forward for one whole day. He couldn't even be bothered to do it additional to his normal day. I'm guessing you hadn't undergone a miracle cure by Wednesday?

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